To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

[Sazzle2012]

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

HE got redundancy..for the mortgage
I pay the bills...

You don't sound like a very "together" couple - I'd never dream of thinking in terms of my money / partner's money.

Sons girlfriend good degree in marketing has been applying for work for twelve months. It's stagnant. She's running a bakery type franchise for now

Friend became a teacher when her banking career hit a wall. She took a temporary flexible job while doing her PGCE.

my advice approach temping agencies and try everything. I did after a career break it was interesting and valuable

I think he would’ve been able to find a job in two years if he really wanted to. I understand he has had a corporate job and may have struggled to find a similar role, but he could’ve taken something more junior or in a different field and he would’ve done this if he really wanted to. It’s no wonder he’s feeling a bit depressed.

Perhaps he needs to make a decision here. He is either going to be a SAHP in which case he needs to pick up the majority of the housework, home admin, childcare, etc, or he gets a more junior/any job?

You surely can’t go on like this he will become more depressed and you will be more resentful that you are doing everything

Do you honestly think a supermarket manager who probably only has a levels himself is going to employ a degree educated sales manager with 20 years in a corporate environment.

Yes. It's not 2008.

You don't sound like a very "together" couple - I'd never dream of thinking in terms of my money / partner's money.

I would if I was paying for everything and had a cocklodger for a husband.

Oh have all the egos deflated now ?

It isn't easy to get jobs, even if there is a lot out there right now.
My advise would be to join a temp agency. Almost immediate work, often weekly pay, can leave if not suitable and may lead to something better.

My DH was similar. He took a night shift security guard job at the 24 hour Asda near us when he went back to university at 34.

I've no idea. But there are far more jobs than there are people to fill them at the moment and lots of places are desperate for staff. Very much an employee's market. The job market was completely the opposite after the financial crisis and it was very much an employer's market.

He gives me the ick!

He hasnt had a job in 2 years. He should already be doing everything around the house, the mental load and the heavy lifting. It is absolutely ridiculous that you've allowed this to happen. 2 YEARS!!

He is either a house husband or he works. He cant not work, and be a lazy twat.

Also, how pathetic are men! Depression because he cant find a job... imagine if women acted this way... just imagine.

Oh ffs! It’s not really going to change OPs situation though is it?

I was in similar situation OP. He needs to get a job.

He obviously has an up to date CV, and it sounds like job opportunities are fairly limited in your area. There’s no way that job hunting is a full time job.

my (now) ex wouldn’t lift a finger when not working, so you need to get them in a job as it’s often the only way some men will contribute.

sorry don’t have much advice - just wanted to say it’s not you BU. You are right to feel this way and you need DH to get any job!

It's pretty close to average wage!

Even 40 hours per week at minimum wage is £416.80. More if shift work/anti social hours.

Literally everywhere are short staffed. Just tried to book my car in for a service - 2 month queue "due to staff shortages", tried another garage, the same! Village bakery/pie shop have cut their opening days from 6 to 4 "due to staff shortages". We were due a boiler service, but can't get one until September. Signs in literally every restaurant and pub advertising for staff. Tried to get a couple of external advertising signs replaced for my office - none of the 3 local firms would even quote citing "full order books"! Our joiner has given up his self employment to become a lorry driver - immediately doubled his income!

Yes, some jobs need skills, qualifications, etc., but 2 years is long enough for re-training, getting new qualifications, learning to drive, etc. He could have been 2 years through a degree. Could be a qualified HGV driver, train driver, bus driver. Could have learned a trade - i.e. heating engineer, electrician, etc.

The OP's hubby has just wasted two years doing absolutely nothing. That's simply not acceptable. If he won't buck up his ideas, she needs to throw him out.

Agree with the poster who said to encourage him to sign up for temp agencies. Especially if his confidence is gone and he's rubbish at interviews they can get him in the door as a temp and there's always a chance of it becoming permanent.

Make sure he's on LinkedIn if he isn't already. Make sure his profile has a picture and "Available for work" set. Re-connect with any ex-colleagues he can remember - many of them will have all moved on to different companies so casting the net wider.

My DH will also look up businesses he knows and will try and connect with someone on the management team there, then message them directly. He got his current job (contract) by doing this.

Put his CV on CV-Library and let recruiters and employers come to him too.

It sounds like your DH has got himself in to a bit of a vicious spiral of not doing well so it knocks his confidence, which means he performs less well in the next interview.

Next interview he gets the first thing that someone will likely ask is "Hello, how are you?" to which he should have a standard reply ready "I'm OK thanks - very nervous though!", so at least the interviewer can attribute any iffy answers to nerves.

He has the perfect story for his career gap "I was unfortunately made redundant in a significant restructuring, but it gave me the opportunity to spend time with my young children, which I'm eternally grateful for. They're growing up now though, so don't need me so much and I'm able to get back to doing something for me now."

For me, I'd put it to him to:

• Give you last massive push to get back in to his career - use the above tips and also make sure he's registered with as many agents as he can - get his CV spread as far and wide as possible. Set a time limit - 3 months?
• Failing that, he must apply for anything and everything. My Uncle took an interim job while waiting for another job to start (clearance delays!) and worked for a supermarket doing deliveries for a few months. I just looked - Waitrose pay £12 per hour near me for a 37.5 hour week. That would bring in just over £1,600 a month, which is £1,600 a month more than you're getting now. Sainsburys pay £12.50 an hour which would net around £1,700 a month. Both jobs likely come with staff discount so could save money on your groceries too.

I don't agree that it's that straightforward to be honest.
With that said, OP's husband needs to work and that's why I suggested temp agencies. I know 3 people who went down this route after they got made redundant including members of my own family. Even the application process for that was a total ball ache but it's a good idea as not tied to anything, can be flexible and it is as I say, often weekly pay.

Dh was the same a few years ago. He literally applied for everything he could find.

He did some stewarding work at football matches, cricket, outdoor gigs (Elton John). Not full time, but brought in some much needed extra cash.

He did some support work for a friend of ours who can’t do her garden due to limited mobility etc

YANBU
I think it's a bad idea for him to be jobhunting in any area related to what he did before - if he got a redundancy package big enough to pay his way for a year, one look at his CV would tell any potential employer that this is someone who will be difficult to manage, will have far too high an idea of their own knowledge and importance, and will expect to be treated with a seniority they haven't earned. The vast majority of employers will actively prefer someone with less experienced compared with that.
He should start completely afresh in something totally unrelated like plumbing or tree-surgery, on an apprentice wage and fully expecting to be right at the bottom

He eventually got an Agency job which then helped him get a perm job at the same employer.

I have a friend in this situation. The Dh is useless. Won't consider other jobs even though his 'skills' are highly transferable, won't retrain and on top of that does very little when it comes to kids, around the house etc.
She got made redundant a few months after he did - and found a job that wasn't ideal but swallowed her pride and got on with it.

We all think she should dump him. He criticizes her, mopes about feeling sorry for himself, won't help raise his own kids. Time for her to move on.

He's not trying his best. Trying his best would be to go and work in the local pub or similar to bring in some money - hospitality is still crying out for staff - which may or may not lead to other opportunities. There's loads he could do.

When my dad got made redundant when I was a kid, he worked 3 PT jobs and retrained in another industry. And while he did that my DM worked her FT job and took on evening and weekend work in a pub til they were back on their feet.

That's what adults do. Not sit around feeling sorry for themselves while someone else has all the stress and responsibility

No way should he be able to be a 'SAHP' long term when your kids aren't tiny so there's not much to do.

It'd be one thing if you could afford to support him, but you can't/shouldn't really.

Virtually no woman wants a man who isn't doing what he can towards the family income to an acceptable extent.

It happened with my parents for the last several years of their marriage. I'm sure it must've been at least part of why they split up in the end, as my mum had to be the sole earner to support us all and keep us from losing our home. No way would I respect a man who acted like my dad did. It even made me have no respect for him when I was a teenager.

He needs to get a job or you need to consider if this is the future you want.

Two people I know of similar ages and situation to OPs husband took lower level, lower paid jobs more aimed at recent graduates. This worked to get them back in work, looked good to other employers and they went on to get jobs at or near their previous level after this. Another woman I know eventually took voluntary work in the field she was trying to get a job in and then got a decent job in the public sector (which she had never wanted to work in). The point is they all were prepared to change their expectations, take the work they could and this experience and attitude enabled them to get back to where they wanted to be.

He needs to get any job.
He should also try temping.
He doesn't get to sit around for 2 years doing fuck all.
He's tried to get jobs in his field and it hasn't worked out so he needs to do something else.