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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be seething she made a cake

427 replies

TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:27

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 18/06/2023 06:29

I clicked this wondering how on earth a cake could be enough to make someone seethe, but YANBU. Stealing your thunder when she’d been asked not to !

RiseYpres · 18/06/2023 06:29

Hmm.

Was it the first birthday?

Does she have form for trying to undermine you?

What sort of cake? (If a swiss roll and not obviously a birthday cake that is one thing. A Thomas the Tank Engine extravaganza is another. )

I think based on what you have said so far I would also be well and truly annoyed.

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:31

yabu

My mum is dead. How I wish I had the luxury of being outraged she brought a cake to my dc’s birthday.

Seriously - check yourself.

Bogggle · 18/06/2023 06:33

@Alongtimelonely whilst it’s very sad about your mum, that does not mean that everyone else’s relationship with theirs is good. There is clearly more background to op and her mum so your comment is completely unnecessary. There’s no need to judge her like that

LordEmsworth · 18/06/2023 06:33

So there were 2 cakes?

Presumably you put hers aside and cut it up before taking it out, so it wasn't a centrepiece? And said to her oh we asked you not to, why did you ignore us, at the time?

Willmafrockfit · 18/06/2023 06:33

did she have two cakes?

RiseYpres · 18/06/2023 06:34

Bogggle · 18/06/2023 06:33

@Alongtimelonely whilst it’s very sad about your mum, that does not mean that everyone else’s relationship with theirs is good. There is clearly more background to op and her mum so your comment is completely unnecessary. There’s no need to judge her like that

Agree with @Bogggle

Flocider · 18/06/2023 06:36

Decent cakes are expensive, I'd be delighted if she wanted to sort one every year (deal buying we chose which sort etc). It's annoying she went against your wishes but I just don't think I could get worked about this unless it's a small part of a bigger set of issues.

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:38

@Bogggle It’s only a cake.

And OP literally asked us to judge her (“AIBU to still be seething she made her a cake,”)

Mildly annoyed for a few minutes is one thing. To still be seething? Massively unreasonable

if OP took issue with the cake all she needed to do was say, “oh mum what a beautiful cake! We will enjoy eating that tomorrow as I think the party cake I have made will probably get shared round all our guests.” Then whisk it away and use her own cake.

OP needs to assert herself, not sulk.

MustardCress · 18/06/2023 06:39

YANBU. Some people will tell you to turn the other cheek/be kind or some other appeasing guff, but kindness works both ways. She’s had her turn at making birthday cakes and it’s not kind to stop you from having your turn, especially when she knows you want to do it. It’s really sad to see such casual selfishness Flowers

ProfessorXtra · 18/06/2023 06:39

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:31

yabu

My mum is dead. How I wish I had the luxury of being outraged she brought a cake to my dc’s birthday.

Seriously - check yourself.

I am sorry your mum has died but that’s really out of order.

My mum is also dead. She used to actually make all the birthday cakes and I would give anything to have another birthday with her and one of her cakes.

Thats doesn’t impact anything to do with the Op at all. Just because our mothers are not here and we would do anything to have them back, doesn’t mean someone else can’t be upset about their mother ignoring them and stepping on their boundaries.

Original poster
TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:41

RiseYpres · 18/06/2023 06:29

Hmm.

Was it the first birthday?

Does she have form for trying to undermine you?

What sort of cake? (If a swiss roll and not obviously a birthday cake that is one thing. A Thomas the Tank Engine extravaganza is another. )

I think based on what you have said so far I would also be well and truly annoyed.

4th birthday but first actual party. It was a sponge cake decorated nicely with fruit.

There is some form for being the host/provider/center of things.

OP posts:
Toottooot · 18/06/2023 06:41

Wooptie fucking ping - its a cake 💁🏻‍♀️

CandidClarisse · 18/06/2023 06:41

Where there 2 cakes then? Why did you let hers be the centre piece? I'd have kept hers to one side or in the box etc and made yours the focus!

PineappleLatte · 18/06/2023 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiseYpres · 18/06/2023 06:43

@Alongtimelonely it's not just a cake. It is a living deliberate example of a mother undermining her own adult child. It is most likely representative of a history of difficult behaviour or competitive behaviour from the mother. I have a mother who likes to compete with me; set me up to fail and to 'show me up',. I have had 50 years of that ... I am sad your mother has passed, and obviously you had a good relationship with her which is wonderful. But not all maternal relationships are like thisl Some are deeply complicated and troubled... some of the time; occasionally or all of the time. The fact the OP is still upset - impotently so because she is venting here rather than than addressing it IRL- means that the dynamics at play are complex and deep rooted.

Not just 'cake'.

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:43

@LordEmsworth Exactly. There are ways to politely and kindly put dm back in her box and take charge of the situation.

“Mum! I said don’t bring a cake as I have made the cake for the party this year. Never mind we can enjoy your cake tomorrow and it will be all the more delicious as we will have it all to ourselves, perhaps you’ll pop back for a cup of tea and a slice yourself?”

If she plonks it down as the centrepiece on the party table, then you unashamedly move it to the side and tell all your guests very proudly that Granny made a wonderful cake as her gift to DC and won’t DC enjoy eating it tomorrow.

Theblackdogagain · 18/06/2023 06:44

So similar here, my DT have a birthday this weekend and every other year I've made cakes but this year its too hot so I was going to buy them but my mil wanted to get them today as they are going round for father's day. So we did our cakes on Friday and second cake with in laws today. Kids are happy as that's 4 cakes in the house to eat! I think in 5 years will it matter and one day mother or in law won't be around anymore so it's a memory. (I've lost my mum and miss her). I get why you are annoyed but it'd one day and one birthday in many.
And yes each twin has their own cake, they like different things so we had one coffee and one chocolate.

Lacucuracha · 18/06/2023 06:44

I would have just kept her cake in the fridge and used yours.

What did you do?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 18/06/2023 06:45

It's all very well telling you that you could've chopped it up, or put it away for later, but you didn't get a chance to do those things, she totally over-rode your boundaries, and presumably does this kind of thing a lot.
YANBU - and please ignore those who don't even get why you're upset. miss their mums.
Was this your baby's 1st bday? So the first time she's done this to you? If so, at least your DC won't remember, and when they look back will remember all the cakes you made for them. You've got a year to strategise for the next one, and tbh might even decide not to invite your mum to the next party...

Theoldgreygoose · 18/06/2023 06:46

What on earth is wrong with people these days?!!

It's a cake, you are being ridiculous.

MustardCress · 18/06/2023 06:46

CandidClarisse · 18/06/2023 06:41

Where there 2 cakes then? Why did you let hers be the centre piece? I'd have kept hers to one side or in the box etc and made yours the focus!

I think this rather misses the point that generally people who deliberately ignore you and override your wishes aren’t shy, delicate wallflowers who fade into the background but who, as the OP quite predictably says, have form for taking over and making themselves the centre of attention whether anyone else likes it or not.

Grow up with someone like this and it’s hard not to become worn down by it and saying something to the obviously makes no difference.

Abouttimemum · 18/06/2023 06:46

I couldn’t get worked up about this at all. DS had about 5 different cakes at various times for his 4th birthday, including 2 at his party. It all gets eaten. He liked the one my mum made the best!

Obviously something else going on with your relationship with your mum, maybe having form for not listening to you?

Flocider · 18/06/2023 06:47

There is some form for being the host/provider/center of things.

This is the real issue. Id be blunt with her and say how it makes you feel, she might think she's helping and even if she knows she's being overbearing and selfish, having aired it and been open about it helps in future discussions and disputes.

Fisharejumping · 18/06/2023 06:47

I am with mum - the more (cake) the merrier. If you wanted your cake as the centrepiece you just…um…doll it up and put it at the centre of the table. Or was her cake so spectacular that it outshone yours?

Honestly, life is too short; leave people like dm to do their thing and try to find a way to benefit from it - more cake.

Are you seething because she didn’t do what you told her? In that case you sound quite similar. Stubborn. She would have been seething if she had done what you told her because she doesn’t want to be controlled - just as you don’t.