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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be seething she made a cake

427 replies

TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:27

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

OP posts:
LacewingOrpington · 18/06/2023 07:10

RiseYpres · 18/06/2023 06:43

@Alongtimelonely it's not just a cake. It is a living deliberate example of a mother undermining her own adult child. It is most likely representative of a history of difficult behaviour or competitive behaviour from the mother. I have a mother who likes to compete with me; set me up to fail and to 'show me up',. I have had 50 years of that ... I am sad your mother has passed, and obviously you had a good relationship with her which is wonderful. But not all maternal relationships are like thisl Some are deeply complicated and troubled... some of the time; occasionally or all of the time. The fact the OP is still upset - impotently so because she is venting here rather than than addressing it IRL- means that the dynamics at play are complex and deep rooted.

Not just 'cake'.

My DH had similar relationship with his parents. It is awful to live with, especially when it comes with a lifetime of conditions when you’re a dependant child. Its impact on me increased a zillion fold when the kids came along. My DH went for some counselling and we implemented ssfrict contact rules and medium chill. It’s so hard to explain to people as each individual example is minor but the impact is accumulative. I have similar but milder in my family, which is why I tolerated it so long!

Op, the only person’s behaviour you can change is yours but it is possible to get to a place where you’re free if the impact of this. It might mean having some professional help to work through the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). The posts on here demonstrate why your mother’s approach is so effective. We had a lot of people thinking it was us. When we started medium chill, it included not talking about them to other people and actually that helped. Lots of people saw more of their behaviour when we stopped sharing our angst. We also gave his parents an impact score (counsellor’s suggestion). Worked a treat. We split it in two - a score for the effort we perceived they put into the particular behaviour and a score for its impact on us. It really worked to help us leave their behaviour with them and not within our marriage.

Lcb123 · 18/06/2023 07:10

I think you were being unreasonable in the first place. You should have accepted her kind offer. Honestly, life is much easier if you chose the simple option and let things go

londonrach · 18/06/2023 07:10

More cake to eat...just cut cake up before you put it out.

CornishGem1975 · 18/06/2023 07:12

Think I'd struggle to get upset about this.

autieawesome · 18/06/2023 07:14

You should have chopped it up. Did u do happy birthday with yours?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/06/2023 07:14

Yabu.

I honestly don't get attitudes like yours.

Isn't it just awesome that Bob now gets two fabulous cakes. Lucky child.

I am just grateful whenever anyone else does anything nice for my child. Because I want my child to be as happy as they can be, which an extra cake would result in, so why be furious at someone who's done something nice.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/06/2023 07:14

No child wants a sponge cake decorated nicely with fruit as a birthday cake. They want a character cake covered with bright coloured icing. So the cake from DM is perfect for adults and cake from parents perfect for kids.

P0mbears · 18/06/2023 07:14

What was your cake like? And did you eat both in the end?

I'd find it slightly annoying but to be honest like others have said it's a sponge with fruit, not necessarily what most 4 year olds would be impressed with. I'd have given that to the adults and the one I'd made to the kids (chocolate as that's what my kids would have wanted)

Doingmybest12 · 18/06/2023 07:16

A sponge cake decorated with fruit doesn't sound like a birthday cake for a 4 year old, so it is just a cake. I would just ve taken it , not commented and cut it up for the table. I'm sure your cake was mutch more to your 4 year olds interests.

loveandpoprockz · 18/06/2023 07:17

It’s not about you though is it. It’s not your birthday

Lacucuracha · 18/06/2023 07:19

loveandpoprockz · 18/06/2023 07:17

It’s not about you though is it. It’s not your birthday

This wins the award for the most batshit respponse.

Fisharejumping · 18/06/2023 07:19

loveandpoprockz · 18/06/2023 07:17

It’s not about you though is it. It’s not your birthday

This.

romdowa · 18/06/2023 07:20

Are posters here still drunk? Or just purposely being dim? It's not about the cake ffs. It's about ops boundaries not being respected, probably not for the first or the hundredth Time either🙄🙄
As a pp said above , your the mother and you need to take control. Pop the spare cake in the fridge , cut it up or bin it. If you don't stand up for yourself and reaffirm those boundaries, this woman will just continue to take over

Fisharejumping · 18/06/2023 07:21

@loveandpoprockz you’re right. They’ve both made it about them and their relationship.

justsaxy · 18/06/2023 07:22

As long as it wasn't a showstopper, I just could not get upset about this. It is a cake covered in fruit.

When my BFriend got married, I made the wedding cakes (traditional and gluten free). My mum was worried that there wouldn't be enough (there was) and so she made a spare! I found it hilarious, but also insanely sweet. I also know my mum, she likes to be involved and she loves to bake. We popped it under the cake table (covered) and the newly weds took it home the next day. I believe it was shared out at work...

You choose your battles.

You can either make it into a big deal and cause bad feelings, or laugh it off and use it as a antidote about your batty mother/grandma).

I know which way I would go. (And we often dine out on the spare wedding cake story.)

RandomUsernameHere · 18/06/2023 07:22

YABU, your cake could still have been the "centrepiece". I'd be glad she had made the effort and there was more cake to go round!

itsgettingweird · 18/06/2023 07:23

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:31

yabu

My mum is dead. How I wish I had the luxury of being outraged she brought a cake to my dc’s birthday.

Seriously - check yourself.

My mums dead.

I'd have been annoyed if she did this (she never would because she wasn't a self centred twat!)

And I don't think the OP is BU.

Just because some of us sadly lose parents young doesn't mean everyone else should put up with parents who treat them badly.

SideWonder · 18/06/2023 07:24

LordEmsworth · 18/06/2023 06:33

So there were 2 cakes?

Presumably you put hers aside and cut it up before taking it out, so it wasn't a centrepiece? And said to her oh we asked you not to, why did you ignore us, at the time?

This is the sensible non-PFB approach. More cake!! Can’t be a bad thing …

Fisharejumping · 18/06/2023 07:25

romdowa · 18/06/2023 07:20

Are posters here still drunk? Or just purposely being dim? It's not about the cake ffs. It's about ops boundaries not being respected, probably not for the first or the hundredth Time either🙄🙄
As a pp said above , your the mother and you need to take control. Pop the spare cake in the fridge , cut it up or bin it. If you don't stand up for yourself and reaffirm those boundaries, this woman will just continue to take over

With due respect we don’t really know what it’s about, do we? And op doesn’t either if she’s asking our opinion. If it runs deeper then op needs more help than we can give to sort it out. As it stands, for most of us it is a simple war of cake.

Apple95 · 18/06/2023 07:25

This is something mildly annoying at best, to be ‘seething’ is the most unreasonable thing I’ve seen on here in a while.

Zebedee55 · 18/06/2023 07:26

A cake with fruit on is not really a child's birthday cake. It's just a cake.

Surely you've got better things to get stressed about? 🙄

arethereanyleftatall · 18/06/2023 07:27

But.

Say, hypothetically the mother is controlling. Say hypothetically she made the most marvellous centre piece paw patrol cake.

Even so.

Like a poster just now said, this particular occasion isn't about you.
It's about your son having the best possible birthday he can have. And for kids, the more cake, the better. 'Look how many people love you Ben, you lucky boy.'

If she's controlling, use it to your advantage. This is one such occassion. 'Yes please mum, can you make him a paw patrol cake, he'd love that'. One less thing for you to do. Or, if you love making them, two cakes. Either is a win.

Lacucuracha · 18/06/2023 07:28

romdowa · 18/06/2023 07:20

Are posters here still drunk? Or just purposely being dim? It's not about the cake ffs. It's about ops boundaries not being respected, probably not for the first or the hundredth Time either🙄🙄
As a pp said above , your the mother and you need to take control. Pop the spare cake in the fridge , cut it up or bin it. If you don't stand up for yourself and reaffirm those boundaries, this woman will just continue to take over

Agreed.

Sounds like DM likes taking over from OP’s second post.

DM has had her turn with he kids, just let your daughter organise her child’s birthday. If she asks you to bring something, bring the thing she asks for, not the cake.

Doingmybest12 · 18/06/2023 07:28

Op said it was about The Cake the centrepiece. Another cake arrived that was not The Cake. I can't imagine setting a boundary about a cake arriving .or seething about it several weeks later.

JMSA · 18/06/2023 07:29

This is really no big deal. It's not even the child's first birthday. And you can never have too much cake.
YABU.