To still be seething she made a cake

[TheCakeConspiracy]

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

And a themed birthday party is pretty normal - dinosaur, princess etc.

Yes, put it in the fridge for tomorrow and put yours out as the centrepiece. If mum complains just say, "you were clearly told I was providing the party cake, however, yours does look delicious and we will definitely enjoy it as a family tomorrow. Come round for a cuppa and share if you like?" big smile and carry on and ignore.
Best way to deal with this kind of passive control and upstaging is to put on your thickest skin and plough on regardless and ignore, ignore, ignore whilst smiling sweetly and being ultra polite.

I've had the opposite happen. My SIL insisted on making and bringing birthday cake to my DS 1st birthday party. I said I wanted to make it but MIL talked me around, saying it was lovely offer and saves me a job.
Not only did she bring NO cake, she didn't mention it beforehand and give me a chance to buy one or even better, more notice and I could have made one. I have no photo of him with a 1st birthday cake. I'm still seething years later!!

My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Something else being cake, cupcakes. It seems like a misunderstanding in that the OP has said they want to provide the cake so tells mum it’s ok to bring cupcakes. I’m sure the mums rationale is that it’s ok as long as it’s not a birthday cake. Which a sponge cake with fruit on, for a four year old is not. Next time don’t tell her to bring cakes if you don’t want cake. Get her to make some sausage rolls or cheese straws.

I would do this but with even less discussion.
“Thanks so much Mom, that looks delicious.”

Put in kitchen and if she says anything further, “we’ll surely you didn’t bring a cake to be served when you knew I was providing the cake?”

My mum always supplies the cake. I'm terrible at them. Just a tradition we run with. I probably would be annoyed if I had specified do not bring xyz though. Maybe she thought she was helping.

Because she ignores her own family when asked not to do something. Then takes them handling it politely as evidence they actually appreciate her overstepping.

If someone gives me food I explicitly said I don’t want, I take it. But it goes in the bin the minute they are gone.

Oh my god you throw out perfectly good food that was made with love and the best intentions and IM the rude one???

I didn’t made the child a birthday cake 😂😂😂 I didn’t do the tractors, cake topper, name imprinted on the side, fondant clouds, buttercream grass - all the things that would have made it a birthday cake.

I made a chocolate cake and it was on the table with all the other cakes and buns that my SIL supplied and that everyone else brought. I don’t think any of my family came that day without something, we’re obviously in different families. He blew out candles on his bday cake and all the other stuff was eaten throughout the party. You sound absolutely mad to me to be honest, I can’t imagine a world where making a cake with love and care and effort could ever be construed as an insult or overstepping.
FOR A FOUR YEAR OLD

No I won’t.

these replies where someone pops up to say “my mum is dead so you can’t moan about yours” is tiresome and tone deaf.

like there is some kind of gavel, some level of authority because a parent has died and nobody else who has theirs still living should complain about their mother ever because they may cause offence.

nobody has the right not to be offended. Be more resilient and understand the bigger picture

Oh and I don’t need to check myself tuvm, I’m more than emotionally intelligent enough to know that not all people have good/bad parents and there’s a spectrum. I won’t however accept the anonymous online post of exasperation be dismissed because someone somewhere has absolutely no idea of tricky relationships.

@Eggs2022 how many children are at these parties that require several cakes, plus 'buns' which I presume are cupcakes/fairy cakes?
One cake, and maybe some cupcakes is surely plenty for the average party?

I can’t imagine a world where making a cake with love and care and effort could ever be construed as an insult or overstepping.
FOR A FOUR YEAR OLD

Well either you have no imagination or live in lala land.

And cake is made with eggs, flour and sugar

...and hot air it seems.

Yes, almost all leftover sweets after a party go in the garbage at my house.

Bringing unwanted/unnecessary food to a party is so wasteful. It’s not about anyone but the person bringing them. It doesn’t make anyone feel good to have food forced on them.

Sugar-laden food is not “perfectly good” and I’m not going to keep it around out of guilt because someone chose to bring it and dump at my house after being told it was not needed.

I try to send leftover things like this home with whomever brought them. If they insist we keep them, in the garbage they go. I’m not rude enough to tell them I’m throwing it out, but no, it’s not rude to fail to eat things that I don’t wish to eat. I’m not a garbage disposal.

Cake <> Love

I’m afraid I’m another one that thinks this was rude. Sil had declined your offer of a cake. Why on earth did you think it appropriate to turn up with one, even if it wasn’t the actual birthday cake?

Only so much cake gets eaten. If people eat yours it detracts from the birthday cake and it’s wasteful. Sil had calculated the amount of cake she wanted and you overstepped.

That was my immediate reaction too! I guess it is annoying but nice that she is alive!

This isn’t about cake. It is about boundaries, priorities and motivations. OP set a boundary, she didn’t want anyone else to bring a cake to her event. OP’s priority was to provide the cake that her DC wanted. There appears to be a history of OP’s mum doing things to outdo the OP, motivated by wanting attention or accolades or to play Granny of the year.

I’m not diagnosing OP’s mum with a personality disorder or saying she is toxic. I am saying she purposely ignored OP’s boundaries and brought the one thing that OP asked her not to bring. She behaved selfishly and without consideration for OP’s feelings.

It is difficult for people who have normal, loving families to understand. They think it is just cake and how wonderful that OP’s mum went through the trouble of making a cake. Their own mums wouldn’t dream of ignoring their boundaries, so they can’t comprehend that someone else’s mum would purposely cross boundaries. Some people don’t understand how cake could be a boundary and think “the more cake, the better”. People are getting stuck on their preconceived notions of a loving mum with good intentions and wanting to have cake.

Those of us who have dysfunction in our families can empathize with OP. We immediately understand that the arguments over cake are a straw man. We can see that OP’s mum has a history of ignoring OP’s boundaries, so something that wouldn’t be a big deal in most families ends up causing OP to be upset. OP is going to have to be really firm with her mum and not give her a single inch. When something like this happens again, because it will, OP is going to have to stop worrying about causing her mum to be upset and keep her boundaries. If mum would ruin the party because her cake was put in the kitchen for later or wasn’t given a prominent spot on the table, then maybe a compromise would be to not invite her to the party, but have her over for dinner on another night to celebrate and then her cake can be displayed and eaten. OP is going to have to figure out how to enforce her own boundaries, but they are legitimate boundaries, even if it just involves cake. Hopefully, her mum will realize that what she is doing is hurtful to OP and will change her behaviors.

This isn’t about cake.

It's about batshit overreactions.

Those of us who have dysfunction in our families can empathize with OP. We immediately understand that the arguments over cake are a straw man. We can see that OP’s mum has a history of ignoring OP’s boundaries, so something that wouldn’t be a big deal in most families ends up causing OP to be upset.

Actually, we can see that OP had to dig around for similar "transgressions" and the one lame one she came up with was pathetic.

Or maybe when you tell your mother ‘we really wanted to provide the cake’ and you ask her to bring something else, don’t tell her to bring cupcakes! I don’t blame her for thinking that it would be ok to make a non birthday cake too. The OP isn’t entirely blameless in this.

@Alongtimelonely i get you. Some people like to feel aggrieved, looking for something to be upset about rather than appreciate someone loves their child and wants to be involved.

No matter how much you 'love' someone else's child you should respect their parents wishes. You should never undermine a parent, especially not with displays disguised as love.
No matter how blinded by 'love' you are, you should be able to see that 'love' does not express itself by buying a bigger birthday or Xmas present than the parent gave. If you can grasp that, you can see the problem with the cake.

Safe adults model safe behaviours for children.

I am agog that this is enough to make someone seethe.

I mean, get a grip. It's a cake. Literally noone cares who's made it.

It's not the cake, it's what it represents - a history of being u detained and ignored.

Honestly, I would have put two cakes out and seethed about something more important (assuming that she is usually a nice person and wasn't trying to be difficult about it!)

@Tremel I have sene you on another thread being sneery and supercilious towards posters.

Don't you have something else to do?

*seen