Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be seething she made a cake

427 replies

TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:27

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 18/06/2023 07:49

Alongtimelonely · 18/06/2023 06:31

yabu

My mum is dead. How I wish I had the luxury of being outraged she brought a cake to my dc’s birthday.

Seriously - check yourself.

This is not fair. People are allowed to find relationships with their living friends/relatives/colleagues difficult.

I am sorry for your loss but you are not entitled to shut other people down in this way.

Eyelashesoffire · 18/06/2023 07:49

I agree with @bussteward

I think the “it’s just cake!” crowd are interpreting this as literally about cake, when it’s actually “my mother doesn’t listen to me and does exactly what she wants at all times”.

I totally get it.

PetitPorpoise · 18/06/2023 07:49

YANBU.

I've had similar with my mum. She has a very big garden and my eldest has a summer birthday, so a few times she has suggested thatbwe have a garden party at theirs', and I end up feeling like a guest at my own child's birthday.

I realised that she would try to catch me off guard by asking what my plans were months in advance, so that I'd end up agreeing that her suggestion was a lovely idea etc.

I've had to learn to listen out for such things now and have an answer ready.

AnImaginaryCat · 18/06/2023 07:51

Did she walk in holding the cake aloft to the sound of Circle of Life?

Though in all seriousness, unless she did do the above (or similar attention seeking behaviour) then there's no reason why it would have been centre piece of the party.

Do you mean it ended up being the cake being the tradtion centre piece because it was the one with the candles on? In this circumstances we probably need more info. (As in if you had planned on the cake and candle thing, why wasn't your cake used. Or if you had planned on the cake candle thing how did it end up happening? Did you mum bring candles too?)

So whether you are being unreasonable or not depends whether it is just about this cake or if its about your mum overriding and being controlling.

If it's the latter then YANBU. You can ignore all the posters that think it is. But you need to understand its not about cake too. You've going to have to work on how your mother's behaviour affects your behaviour. You can't change hers but you can change yours.

Lifescary · 18/06/2023 07:55

If grandma is better at making cakes than you, don't deprive your child of the better cake just because you want to be the centre of your child's world.

Given that most of us love cake I really can't see the problem of 2 cakes. Either put both out or chose which one you want as the centrepiece. Even if grandma's looks better most of us are wise enough to know that you can't judge a cake by its cover and the proof of the cake is in the eating.

If it is not just the cake but grandma insists on taking over everything, then you do have a battle on your hands, but seething won't help. Battles are won by clear heads not seethers and sulkers.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 18/06/2023 07:56

Who knew 'no' actually means 'yes' in some instances.

And apparently, when someone turns your no in to a yes you should thank them for it.

I do think that a fruit sponge is an odd choice for a 4 year old - it's basically going against your wishes with a way to claim she hasn't.

If she has form for wanting to be at the centre of things I can imagine why it would piss you off even more.

Absolutely hate it when people overstep

53andABitPodgy · 18/06/2023 07:57

My MIL used to undermine me at every turn when I was younger and inexperienced in all things hosting. She would publicly strip your confidence and then step in and save the day and announce it was a good job she was there or there or we would all die of starvation.

Over the years I have become a great home cook thanks to Nigella and when I was a SAHM I went on a cake baking and topper course. My MIL used to turn up with a cake that looked pretty grim, and mine would be a 3 tier cake with a different level for Spiderman, Batman and Superman.

She once got very upset none of the DC wanted any of her cake, and then she stopped doing it.

A bit of an extreme reaction for me, but it was worth it. Plus, I make cakes for people I love and they really appreciate it. I've never, nor will ever make her one!

Ladybug14 · 18/06/2023 07:57

OK....I'll play.

So... if I look at the argument that this ISN'T about the cake it's about the OPs wishes being ignored and no not meaning no....

  1. Is this the first time it's happened? If so, let it go with grace and keep an eye open for further similar events
  1. Does this type of thing happen all the time? Then the OP will have been expecting a second cake and will have a plan of action in place already. No need for fury as its a regular annoyance and the OP will know how to deal with it.
  1. The OP has a really toxic relationship with her mother, is thinking of going NC and this cake is just the icing on an already intolerable relationship. Then say this. Don't make it about a 2nd cake which is no big deal in and of itself
Namechangers123484 · 18/06/2023 07:59

Honestly wouldn’t care, don’t sweat the small stuff

KTheGrey · 18/06/2023 07:59

Yes, @Ladybug14 , yes.

Cake good. No cake blaming.

Thegoodbadandugly · 18/06/2023 08:00

Why didn't you use the cake you bought and then used your mother's later, it's not a huge deal really is it?

avio · 18/06/2023 08:02

YANBU but people will assume she was acting kindly. My MIL used to do this. Then go on and on about how expensive it was to make it and not buy dc a birthday present citing the cake was expensive to make (they had enough money and we'd rather have not had the cake then grandma turn up without anything other than a cake that inevitably got poked by several dc before dc saw it anyway at the party)
It was quite obvious she wanted to be grandma of the year despite no other actions to show this for the rest of the year,
And a cake in the centre of the attention somehow proved this.

We finally put our foot down and she turned up with nothing at all to dc party that year. She wanted to be centre of attention and didn't get that so she sulked. That is the issue. If you have a kind mil or mum it's very very difficult to understand when you don't ime.

TallerThanAverage · 18/06/2023 08:04

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

I would say speak to your mother but as it was a few weeks ago the opportunity has passed so you seriously need to let it go.

mycoffeecup · 18/06/2023 08:06

Well why didn't you just say 'thanks Granny, but as we told you he has a birthday cake already. Let's put that one aside and we'll use it at home later?'

YoucancallmeKAREN · 18/06/2023 08:07

So you are hacked off because you wanted to be centre of attention and your Mum burst your bubble. As it was your Son's birthday it should have been about him.

defi · 18/06/2023 08:07

It just really isn't something I could get worked up about. Surely the more cake the better. Your life must be void of actual problems. Lucky you

Ladywillpower · 18/06/2023 08:08

What type of cake was the “usurped” birthday cake? 😀

Fandabedodgy · 18/06/2023 08:08

Seething about a cake?

Really?

Welcometothecheapseats · 18/06/2023 08:10

I voted yabu but only with the voice of hindsight.

YANBU to be furious - I was when this happening to me after DH bought a massive luxury chocolate cake to a dc bday party after I’d asked him not to as it upstaged my home made but nothing fancy birthday cake. Id asked him to get roulades and puddings for the grown ups but not a cake.

It hindsight it was a stupid thing to lose my mind over. Controlling and high maintenance of me.

If she’s not made a 4 out of raspberries on the top I don’t think she was trying to upstage you. She didn’t listen but grandparents often don’t and in this instance I don’t think it’s a massive crime.

debbs77 · 18/06/2023 08:10

Totally understand that!

My ex MIL did this but for her adult son on his 40th. I even offered for her to make the cake as I knew she would love that and is great at baking! Said no, she wouldn't have time.

I spent hours making a cake and I was so proud of it. Only for her to turn up with one. Luckily it was on the birthday day, not the party.

PinkIcedCream · 18/06/2023 08:12

You are being completely ridiculous OP.

It was a sponge cake decorated with fruit, not an extravagantly decorated fairytale castle.

Were you a petulant child too? 😂

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 18/06/2023 08:13

This sounds like a mother crossing boundaries by bringing a birthday cake when op distinctly told her it was sorted. It's not about a cake. To all those who say it was only a cake and why deprive the child if granny makes e, normally a conversation would have happened where mum and granny agreed on that. That wasn't the case here. It's about riding roughshod over plans made. I would have been cross too. I used to make my children's birthday cakes and I would have been annoyed if my mum had brought along a second birthday cake. My daughter makes fabulous cakes for her children. It would never cross my mind to bring a second cake. Does your mum have form for this kind of behaviour? You are now warned and can put plans in place to subvert any more nonsense, not that I think you should have to.

Roundtoedshoes · 18/06/2023 08:18

So you had a cake already and she bought a cake?

All you had to do was say thanks, but we already have one - that will be what we put on the table/blow out the candles on/take pictures with, but we are happy to cut yours up after that as an alternative/extra portions.

I get it’s annoying, but it’s not that big a deal.

Pottedpalm · 18/06/2023 08:18

MustardCress · 18/06/2023 06:39

YANBU. Some people will tell you to turn the other cheek/be kind or some other appeasing guff, but kindness works both ways. She’s had her turn at making birthday cakes and it’s not kind to stop you from having your turn, especially when she knows you want to do it. It’s really sad to see such casual selfishness Flowers

This ‘she’s had her turn’ crap and talk of boundaries … It’s a bloody cake! As others have said, remind her you have the party cake and will keep hers for family tomorrow.

gelijkheid · 18/06/2023 08:19

A sponge cake decorated with fruit is not a child's birthday cake.