MIL telling DD how babies are born

[7whiteclouds]

My DD (6) has just said to me “when I had a sleepover at MIL’s a couple of weeks ago - MIL said to me that me and siblings were born by you having your tummy cut open but daddy was born by coming out of her vagina”.

AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?

I am all for giving my children honest information about human biology, in an age appropriate way and at a time, that I as a mother, feel is best for my children.

if DD had asked me how she was born then I would have explained to her, in the way that I want her to be taught. But DD didn’t ask MIL this question - MIL just told her this info (not sure the context of the conversation). I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information. She’s not asked me for a while but if she had come to me now and asked, then yes I would have explained how babies come out.

I think it’s really selfish and insensitive for her to have shared not only my personal information with DD, but the important conversation that I believe a mother should have with her DD - not the MIL. I remember when I found out how babies were born (at around DD’s age)that I was felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed about it - I didn’t want DD to feel the same; hence why I was waiting for her to ask me the question and for me to be able to explain to her in a way that suits my DD.

AIBU to say something to her about this or should I just stay quiet?

Why do people think its inappropriate for young children to know how a child is born? It's the most natural thing in the world and if you shy away from answering as you did when she first asked then off course she will ask other people! Chances are she had heard it from school friends anyway, My dd has knew from about age 3 when she first asked then that was that hasn't mentioned it again untill recently learning it in school year3.

My mum would have directed her to come and speak to me about it as my mum respects my right as a parent to have important conversations with my child.

Agree with you, I wouldn’t like my 6 year old being told this kind of information. Personally don’t think they need to know all the details at that age

100%.
not sure if you also saw the update about how it is likely that MIL used this as a way of telling DD that she birthed the “right way” and I birthed the “wrong way”.

there is history of similar behaviour. I can also never do right; DP (her son) can never do wrong.

there’s definitely a bigger issue.

You cannot police the conversations other people have with your children. This really isn’t a big deal unless you decide to make it one. Perhaps you should give her a laminated list of permissible topics to discuss with your daughter.

So you know my MIL personally do you? You know the history? Sorry if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure I know her a lot better than you do. So I know what is more likely than a complete stranger.

Or how about my DD told me this 5 mins before I posted on here? And I posted on here to gauge whether I was BU to stop me from sending a message to MIL and to allow me to get some perspective and give myself time to think rather than acting in the heat of the moment?

I’m not one to see the bad in people; I try not to jump to conclusions - hence why it wasn’t my immediate thought. I didn’t think that people would actually stoop that low… but when I add it to the history; it is exactly a plausible explanation.

I beg to differ. I most certainly would police conversations if I thought they were inappropriate. Close friends of mine had a major issue with both sets of parents using racist terms in conversations with their children. They did have to intervene and lay down what could and could not be said in conversation with their children.

@7whiteclouds if she has explained it to her using stupid inaccurate words or information I would be pissed off too. I explain all sex and body stuff in clear, factual ways with no euphemisms.

I imagine your special door is quite like the giant salad tongues my son was dragged out with (forceps delivery). He could tell you all the correct terminology but the ‘bloody great salad tongues round my head’ are a thing of family lore now!

I think a trusted family meme ber answering a direct question honestly and factually is fine tbh.
It's not like she was explaining how they got in there, whilst hastily scrawling a few diagrams for good measure

So did your DD say that her grandmother said vaginal birth was the right way and c section the wrong way?

Just seems a random poster mentioned that and you have run with it due to the amount of people saying YABU.

I would assume your DD has been told at school how babies are born and spoke to another presumably trusted adult about it as when she asked you previously, you told her a load of rubbish about special doors.

Not to pile on, sorry OP, but just find your reasoning unconvincing.

If you'd said "okay, that post helped me realise the underlying reason why I'm so triggered by this is that MIL was taking a dig at my c-section", okay fine.

But instead, you've now decided that's an additional reason for you to be angry at your MIL? In addition to her purposely without your child asking (which we don't know for sure) giving your child sacred info in a way you don't deem appropriate (also, I appreciate your child is a wee bit older now but if special door is ok why is fairy not)?

It sounds like you just dislike your MIL and want to read terrible intentions into anything she does. Which might be accurate on your part, in the long term. If so, why are you asking for justification from MN?

On the strength of this issue alone, YABU, the consensus probably isn't going to change no matter how much you embellish your justification!

YABU to be annoyed your “special door”
talk was ruined. Just use actual facts to start with and there would be no problem

Your DH sounds awful.what a thing to do. Hope prudish. Periods are just a bodily function. Does he not talk about weeing and pooing? Or is it just female bodily functions that are taboo?

In my opinion, if the child asks her grandparent where a baby comes out of (you say she didn't, but I'm sure the conversation naturally occurred)

It is better for them to be factual rather than say 'ask your mum's because it makes it sound taboo and secretive. It is far better to be factual, especially at 6. Rather than make a big deal out if it.

YABVU, it’s absolutely fine for your DD to know how babies are born, she’s clearly not scarred for life after finding out. My 3 year old has been told this, there’s no reason to keep it a secret.

Your problem is obviously with your MIL and it just sounds as though you don’t like her. From what your DD has said there’s nothing to suggest she was saying a c section is not the right way to birth a baby, you’ve come to that conclusion yourself. I agree she should be using the correct terminology and not ‘fairy’ and if you’ve asked her to do this and she’s not that would annoy me.

Are you really happy for her to be looking after your child?

Absolutely nuts to tell a child she came out of your tummy through a special door. The world is strange and confusing enough for children without needing to make up weird shit. Your MIL is 100% correct. Children can know where babies grown and how they are born from as soon as they know enough words to ask.

Also it’s more likely to cause embarrassment if it’s not spoken about. If it’s spoken about openly your DD will see no reason to be embarrassed by this and will just think it’s normal.

I was 6 when I learned all about human reproduction from a couple of (slightly) older friends. They wisely told me to not let my parents know I knew.

I don’t know as the conversation didn’t go any further at the time - I didn’t want to ask too many questions and make her feel like there was an issue. But as previously mentioned; knowing the history, it is not unreasonable for me to believe that it is a possibility.

it doesn’t bother me that most are saying I am BU, I don’t think it needs to be assumed that I’ve ran with that idea. It is justifiable to be presented with a potential explanation/idea that you then realise fits and is a possibility.

just because it hasn’t happened in your life, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen for others.

all of the people accusing me of MIL bashing obviously have great relationships with their MIL and their MIL must all be great. again, doesn’t mean everyone has a great MIL.

Sorry if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure I know her a lot better than you

Except, if you know her so well, it never even occurred to you that she'd told her your daughter something to denigrate you. So surely that's what you should be thinking about her - that that's not something she would do. Not some random theory by someone else.

I’m not one to see the bad in people; I try not to jump to conclusions - hence why it wasn’t my immediate thought. I didn’t think that people would actually stoop that low…

There are no bad thoughts you haven't had about your mil. You don't even want your daughter to go stay with her. And yet it still never occurred to you she'd done that. So if you don't think people would stoop that low, why are you thinking it now? Could it be because you'd actually like that she'd done it because it reinforces your dislike if her.

Why not get the full facts before speculating on her actions and purpose?

I’m not here to convince anyone of anything.

it’s not an additional reason - I’ve gained another perspective as to what the potential intention for the comment could have been, again - knowing my MIL’s history.

I was asking for justification so that I could gather some opinions so that I didn’t just immediately message her and later potentially regret it.

fairy - safeguarding issues.
Special door - no safeguarding issues.

im okay with people thinking I’m BU.

At the age of 3, there was no problem. We’re all different, we all parent differently, there’s no right or wrong. It was a lighthearted commented made once - really don’t know why people are making such a huge deal of that rather than discussing the actual issue but okay.

They learn it at 7 in year 3 as my 7 year old has just started it.

As an Aunty my nieces and nephews have asked me very direct questions about sex, babies and the difference between boys and girls. The answers I gave were (i hope) age appropriate BUT ALWAYS told their mum and dad exactly what they had asked and what I had replied.
In my opinion MIL should have told you what she said as soon as possible after the converstation.
I have never heard the "fairy" reference...sounds a bit wierd to me. My mum was very srtaight forwards with me, answering the question with out going into huge detail.
My approach doesnt always work though LOL. Took my neice to a local pond where I found HUNDREDS of frogs mating. (she was about 6) I explained they were mummy and daddy frogs , mummy was laying eggs and daddy was needed to make them into babies (ok this is 40 years ago now) She happily accepted this at the time. Three days later niece proclamed "you are a liar, daddy says they were fighting !"

The difference between vaginal birth and caesarian I would never explain to a child of 6. I can not imagine a child of 6 would ever mention it.

The ONLY explanation I can think of is if a child overheard adults talking.

Adults suddenly think their children are deaf ! Kids seem to be happily occupied but (if like me ) are listening avidly. I can remember being sent to my room by a very flustered mum when I asked "MUM whats a prolapsed uterus" I think ! was about 8 at the time.

OMG I now need to prepare for the Great nephews and nieces to ask questions (GRIN)

I am not clear how you can be adamantly sure that your DD did not ask but not know the context of the conversation.

Regardless there is clearly a MASSIVE back-story here relating to your strained relationship with your MIL.