MIL telling DD how babies are born

[7whiteclouds]

My DD (6) has just said to me “when I had a sleepover at MIL’s a couple of weeks ago - MIL said to me that me and siblings were born by you having your tummy cut open but daddy was born by coming out of her vagina”.

AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?

I am all for giving my children honest information about human biology, in an age appropriate way and at a time, that I as a mother, feel is best for my children.

if DD had asked me how she was born then I would have explained to her, in the way that I want her to be taught. But DD didn’t ask MIL this question - MIL just told her this info (not sure the context of the conversation). I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information. She’s not asked me for a while but if she had come to me now and asked, then yes I would have explained how babies come out.

I think it’s really selfish and insensitive for her to have shared not only my personal information with DD, but the important conversation that I believe a mother should have with her DD - not the MIL. I remember when I found out how babies were born (at around DD’s age)that I was felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed about it - I didn’t want DD to feel the same; hence why I was waiting for her to ask me the question and for me to be able to explain to her in a way that suits my DD.

AIBU to say something to her about this or should I just stay quiet?

Might MIL have thought she already knew? I doubt it would occur to me that this was something not previously spoken with or in any way a sensitive topic.

my BIL and SIL were not there and my DH asked him to stop. “Taking it out on him” is a massive overstatement and very typically mumsnet 😂 you can politely but firmly ask someone to stop and change the conversation.

I don’t want a 5 yr old telling my kids about periods.

Blimey i told my son almost exactly this when he was 5 (after a series of confusing questions), he could easily have told any of his mates at school. Once we had to share a very compact changing cubicle at swimming and he said loudly "which hole do babies come out of?"

I find it best to demystify this stuff and make it boring, inane knowledge. If you make it a forbidden topic they wil only ask you about it more.

YABU. Your mother in law has done nothing wrong IMO.

Do you think your MIL was making a judgement about it in the telling? Ie she had her child ‘the right way’ and you didn’t.

Be warned, once kids are at school, they hear all sorts from other kids and you simply cannot control it all.

YABVU I can't imagine this didn't have wider context. It sounds like your MIL handled it perfectly and in an age appropriate manner.

You may have been "waiting" for your DD to ask you, but she didn't... she asked your MIL The moment questions are asked or something comes up and it's in context is the best time to share the information. If you leave it or defer it, it makes it's a bigger deal than it actually is.

I wouldn’t worry about the special door thing…it was a light hearted comment I’d had with 2 of my children and it was fine for us all. Personally I didn’t want to scare them with the idea at the age of 3 that childbirth meant being cut open.

Gosh careful you don't put your shoulder out with that reach

I'd be fairly sure your MIL didn't suddenly decide to tell her - your dc must have asked. And she answered - very well imo.

MIL should have mentioned to you though I'll give you that.

I get that it might have been something you wanted to tell DD about so MIL may have overstepped the mark a little, but I wouldn’t be bothered about it unless this is something she does regularly.
When DS was about 10 we were watching one of those real life midwife programmes and it explained what happens in a c section. I was a hero in his eyes for quite a few weeks after!

Of course they don't need to know, and I can understand why someone wouldn't want a conversation about blood etc over dinner. But I can't think of any reason why it would be bad for them to know.

Besides this is different to the OP, because an explanation from a 5 year old is likely to be a less accurate description. Which I can understand wanting to avoid, even if I disagree with your general view that children of that age shouldn't hear about periods.

You obviously don’t know my MIL then by making this assumption.

I’m assuming you know MIL and her intentions well then?

Yanbu OP- my own mil would never do this.

Also, my MIL (and everyone who cares about me) knows that I'm sensitive about my car crash birth experience and I'd be beyond furious if anyone went behind my back and said something like "Well I had your baby out of my vagina but your mummy had to be cut open". There's no shame in c sections of any kind, they're a medical marvel. But it wasn't what I'd wanted. She may not have meant it like that but that's how I'd have taken it. Your birth story is your private story to tell.

I'd maybe, maybe think it was OK if she kept it general "some mums have vaginal births, some have c-sections". Or mention a famous person eg the Queen had a c-section and 3 vbacs. But not to tell your birth story, it crosses a line.

As for people mocking you for the special door. Sure that is silly but no more silly than "tummy". Babies do not gestate in tummies, they gestate in wombs, even my 2yo knows that word.

My lovely MIL would have deflected with "ask your mummy, she'd want to tell you about it herself" and/or "I'll tell you in the morning" before a quick text to me about what I'd rather she said.

I’m assuming you know MIL and her intentions well then?

It sounds like you have reasons for thinking your MIL had ulterior motives here.

Adult tells child scientific fact. Oh, the HORROR!

You are being precious. I'm sure you daughter knew anyway. Most six year old would.

DD didn’t ask. Although as stated, I’m not sure how this conversation came about just yet. It wouldn’t have been a truly factual conversation. Knowing MIL, she would have told DD that DP came out of her “fairy” for a start.

and that’s what I meant by having the conversation in the best way for my child - I would have been factual, I would have used correct terminology and I would have had a clear conversation to ensure she understood and didn’t feel awkward or embarrassed and could ask me any questions.

Instead it’s taken DD 2 weeks to tell me about this conversation and was really giggly and silly about it. Normally DD is comfortable to talk to me about ANYTHING, but for some reason she’s been left feeling silly and awkward about it.

Absolutely not. Why do you assume I have an issue with the way I birthed?

Also, "cut open" ffs is needlessly graphic and exaggerated. It's a 10cm incision, it's not like you were gaping open with your guts spilling out. You weren't sawn in half like a bloody magician's assistant. A young child has a vivid imagination.

"A small cut in the womb" is all it was.

I'm in the minority here I can see. But I think yanbu. I'm just thankful everyone around me knows not to talk so flippantly about my medical trauma, to my daughter or anyone else

Things aren’t scary if you explain them in a reasonable, unemotional and factual way. You’re projecting to think they’d be scared by the idea of a surgical delivery.

And if your MIL is someone you neither like nor trust, which you seem to be suggesting, why’s she having DD on her own?

There are two separate issues. You don’t like your MIL, fair enough but don’t use her for childcare. And you think her explanation was wrong/damaging, but it wasn’t, it was fair and accurate.

How are you going to handle periods and conception? If you don’t want anyone else to tell her first I’d use the delivery chat with MIL to deal with the rest of it asap. But please be honest and open and unemotional and steer clear of silly expressions which are vague and confusing.

This is the thing - it’s very much a personal opinion/choice. I don’t want my kids knowing about periods that young. I don’t know why they’d need to know 🤷🏻‍♀️ and then as you say they retell it and it’s not correct and littered with inaccuracies.

OP you’re not wrong - your choice is your choice whether the internet agrees with you or not. It’s pointless putting these things out to vote. Especially in AIBU

Knowing my MIL, yes this is a strong possibility.

A c section is not a "tummy" being "cut open". It is a relatively small cut, to the womb.

She didn’t ask.