MIL telling DD how babies are born

[7whiteclouds]

My DD (6) has just said to me “when I had a sleepover at MIL’s a couple of weeks ago - MIL said to me that me and siblings were born by you having your tummy cut open but daddy was born by coming out of her vagina”.

AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?

I am all for giving my children honest information about human biology, in an age appropriate way and at a time, that I as a mother, feel is best for my children.

if DD had asked me how she was born then I would have explained to her, in the way that I want her to be taught. But DD didn’t ask MIL this question - MIL just told her this info (not sure the context of the conversation). I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information. She’s not asked me for a while but if she had come to me now and asked, then yes I would have explained how babies come out.

I think it’s really selfish and insensitive for her to have shared not only my personal information with DD, but the important conversation that I believe a mother should have with her DD - not the MIL. I remember when I found out how babies were born (at around DD’s age)that I was felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed about it - I didn’t want DD to feel the same; hence why I was waiting for her to ask me the question and for me to be able to explain to her in a way that suits my DD.

AIBU to say something to her about this or should I just stay quiet?

At 3 years old, I didn’t feel the need to explain to my 3 year old that they were surgically removed from my womb. So at the time I made a light hearted comment about him “coming out of a special door in my tummy” too buy a little bit of time so I could fully explain to him factually, at an age when I felt he would be more understanding of the information. It then just carried on as a light hearted comment. I honestly wouldn’t worry about it. If I felt that it was the right thing to do for my children at the time and it’s done them no harm then I am an entitled to do that

I thought it was your daughter?

I don’t think there is anything wrong in telling a 6 year old grandchild how babies are born. My 6 year old has been asking me questions about babies since she could talk and has known how babies come out for years. I’d much rather a grandparent told the truth, when asked, than a made up story about special doors or storks etc

But there seems to be a much bigger back story here, and so really your problem is
something bigger than this one conversation. So my opinion on this one conversation is irrelevant!

You are not unreasonable. I am sure children talk about these things but, as a grandparent, I would tread very carefully on these sort of topics. I think my children would prefer that they were the ones to tell their own children.

Firstly this sounds like your first and only child. Not a criticism but it does affect how parents view these things. Sex, periods, babies etc is much better when it's talked about. Even better when it's talked about by others. It becomes more normal and safe. Once something is a safe subject for a child to talk about it they will. As she gets older and maybe feels she can't come to you she now has another person in her arsenal to talk to about this delicate matter. I think it's the correct thing for your mil to have done and should not be discouraged.

Mine have been known from very young 2-3ish) that they were born by c section. I was matter of fact about it - I had an operation, but they gave me special medicine so it didn't hurt, they cut me open, got you out and sewed me back up again. But that not all babies are born like that, but that's how I washed to have you.

They both know what operations are (one has had multiple) and they were fine about it.

They know their birth stories in a lot of detail - first cuddles, what don't they were born to etc.

Maybe it was a bit easier because my buyers went exactly how I'd planned (maternal choice sections), and were painless and lovely. So there's no trauma or sadness thankfully. It probably means we talk about it a lot more than we otherwise would. If there's a lot of trauma then it's difficult to talk about, and even more difficult to talk about positively.

Okay so I’ll rephrase since having a realisation from another poster since my OP…

AIBU to feel annoyed because MIL likely told my DD how she was born, in a way to gloat that she herself birthed “the correct way” and I birthed “the wrong way” in MIL’s eyes?

because knowing my MIL, that is realistically what is going on here. It’s likely to be a dig at me. Obviously I hadn’t realised this when writing my OP. Hence the further comments etc.

I certainly wouldn’t use the term “poor mil” if you knew her like I do.

“wanging on about a special door” - where do you assume that I wanged on about it? By mentioning it once to a 3 year old as a light hearted comment instead of explaining a surgical delivery to buy me a little time until she would have been able to mentally understand - there’s no harm in that.

I am also a healthcare professional myself.

I agree with you, I would be annoyed too. It’s up to you what to tell and when to your child about these things.
However I would ask MIL politely and calmly first how the topic came out. It might be that something prompted the conversation and she just answered the question, a bit clumsily but not intentionally. I would just tell her then that you would prefer to talk about these things with DD herself first to be in line with school info.

In the op she says her daughter has siblings (plural) and they were all born by c-section. So understood at least 3 kids

This!

Son or daughter? I’ve never accidentally referred to my daughter as a him…

Thank you. I appreciate that.

For goodness sake… yes I’m just wasting my entire time lying about something that never happened..

Just get a fucking grip. It’s not that serious at all

Again it's personal circumstances. My DD has one toilet in her house, sometimes she has to hurry off to let one of her DD's go and there's blood in the toilet. Coupled with having unspayed female dogs, an explanation has to be given. It might as well be age appropriate factual. My GC have known about periods since 4/5. The conversation around babies is going to come up if their friends are getting younger siblings.

Sorry I was explaining how the comment first came about when I first used the “special door” thing to my older DS when he was 3.

and then just used it again for my DD when she was 3 as it worked perfectly fine with my DS until he got to the age where I felt it was more appropriate to give a clearer explanation. There was no problem with it being used with DS.

Realistically, none of this is even about the “special door” so I’m not sure why it’s being brought up so much.

This was my reading of it, I must admit - the fact that she drew such a clear contrast is rather strange.
I wouldn’t have this conversation with someone else’s child. If the child asked, I’d have said that mum will explain and alerted mum.

Read the update. It’s midnight, cut me a bit of slack for maybe not being fully clear.

Let me guess if it had been your mum having this conversation and talking about fairies it would have all been fine

As pp have said this is nothing more than yet another MIL bashing thread

OP, apologies if I’ve missed a response to this but at one point I think you said your MIL had raised a narcissistic son. I assume that’s your partner. I realise this isn’t linked to your DD and your MIL’s discussion with her — but it seems to me that might be a bigger issue?

AIBU to feel annoyed because MIL likely told my DD how she was born, in a way to gloat that she herself birthed “the correct way” and I birthed “the wrong way” in MIL’s eyes?

Yep. You are totally and utterly unreasonable to think that your mil wanted to portray the birth in the wrong way.

Even you didn't think that when your daughter told you. And you've never thought that. You've only latched onto it because you want that to be the truth because it portrays your mil in the worst possible light. You don't even know what was said or how it was said. You and the other poster have totally invented a right way/wrong way scenario and you're now putting it in speech marks as if to make out that those words were actually said.

Truth is, your daughter has the actual facts and she isn't traumatised. And you're put out because she spoke to her grandma about it and not you. Why on earth do you want to make it more than it is to cause drama. How is that nice for your daughter?

You do realise we all have different values, we are different people and different things that are important to us? And have had different life experiences to lead us to what bothers us? the whole point of discussing is to see where we could be going wrong, where we could improve. No need to be rude about it.

Does it matter? In my posts I often change the sex, age and number of kids I have to preserve a bit of anonymity if they aren't relevant to my post. I thought everyone does that.

Op, apart from using the word fairy (which your mil may or may not have done) I think she's given a good explanation and just based on her words there is no reason to believe it was a dig at how you gave birth. But then you know her better than we do.

Having said that in theory I agree with the majority of posters that your mil hasn't done anything wrong and it's good for your DD to have these conversations normalised. However, my own mil has a massive history of overstepping, crossing boundaries and acting as if she is the parent so if I hadn't discussed this with my DD before if would have upset me too. Only you though can know what kind of relationship you have with your mil or what kind of person she is so it's impossible to say who is being unreasonable.

Thank you! And this is exactly the type of person she is - there is history of similar behaviour. I just hadn’t realised this when posting the OP as I hadn’t given myself time to think clearly enough.

why did she need to say where daddy came out of? Why not just say “other babies come out of vagina’s” (or in her case she would have said fairy - I feel like I need to fully explain this before someone comes at me for saying the opposite thing again)