MIL telling DD how babies are born

[7whiteclouds]

My DD (6) has just said to me “when I had a sleepover at MIL’s a couple of weeks ago - MIL said to me that me and siblings were born by you having your tummy cut open but daddy was born by coming out of her vagina”.

AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?

I am all for giving my children honest information about human biology, in an age appropriate way and at a time, that I as a mother, feel is best for my children.

if DD had asked me how she was born then I would have explained to her, in the way that I want her to be taught. But DD didn’t ask MIL this question - MIL just told her this info (not sure the context of the conversation). I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information. She’s not asked me for a while but if she had come to me now and asked, then yes I would have explained how babies come out.

I think it’s really selfish and insensitive for her to have shared not only my personal information with DD, but the important conversation that I believe a mother should have with her DD - not the MIL. I remember when I found out how babies were born (at around DD’s age)that I was felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed about it - I didn’t want DD to feel the same; hence why I was waiting for her to ask me the question and for me to be able to explain to her in a way that suits my DD.

AIBU to say something to her about this or should I just stay quiet?

Knowing MIL, she would have told DD that DP came out of her “fairy” for a start.

You put "vagina" in your quote at the start, as what your daughter said? Do you think MIL said fairy and your DD changed it when she told you?
A lot of the responses have been based on the fact that MIL gave factual info. If she actually said fairy (and it sounds like you don't know that), you'd have had some different answers I think.

How do they get to the womb? Wouldn't be by making an incision in the lower abdomen by any chance?

You didn’t say all that in your OP though.

I don't think it is much of an issue. I also rather doubt that MIL just randomly brought up the subject herself so DD probably did ask something.

When my DD1 was 3 years old I was heavily pregnant with DD2. DD1 was definitely aware that I had a baby in my tummy, as she liked to tell everyone. She also understood pretty accurately how it would get out too (she wanted to know that from an early stage, no hiding anything from her 🤣).

I wouldn't say anything.

I kind of had an inkling that could be the case.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you’re probably going to have to seethe inwardly otherwise you’ll blow the whole thing up. Just be careful what you tell her going forward if you think she might enjoy using her grandchildren as an intermediary to point score.

This.

DD used the word vagina to me, she would have changed it as MIL only ever uses the word fairy but I tell DD not to use the word “fairy”. So DD knows not to use “fairy”

sorry I should have made that part more clear.

Is your husband as angry about this as you are?

Yes, which is not my tummy, a shortening of the word stomach. And I was at no point "open" in the usual sense of the word. The incision is so small they have to squeeze the baby out.

I'm all for scientific fact. This isn't it.

And none of this addresses the highly personal and intrusive way she told OP's birth story specifically. As I say she could have kept it general or about a famous mother (eg the Queen etc).

My birth story is for me to tell, not for others to gossip about

This is very confusing, because now it all seems to be about the MIL using incorrect and unclear language and judging the OP for how she gave birth, but the questions in the OP were:

”AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?”

what exactly is bothering you, OP?

I understand the frustration at something like this if MIL bypasses OP's wishes constantly. But personally with regards to that conversation topic I'd be glad MIL saved me from having to do it🤣😂
Also children are being introduced to 'all sorts' via school or media or other peers etc that we can't always prevent or delay, so having it come from a trusted family member might have been better on this occasion. But....I do totally get that there's a risk of DC sharing that newly learned knowledge with other kids if not managed well

How do you know that MIL only ever uses the word ‘fairy’ for vagina?! What sort of conversations do you have?

Well my DC4 has been telling people at nursery “soon my mummy is going to have a baby come out of her bum like a very sore pop”… so it could be worse haha

seriously though, I think I would be a bit gutted if my DC got this information from someone else. I think that’s probably MY issue, because I do like to be in control of everything when it comes to my DCs

children are naturally inquisitive and will information about this, Santa, sex etc from all sorts of places over time and we just have to accept that we can’t control it, just try to manage it when they come to us about it later on.

I don’t think it’s worth being angry at MIL, just let it go. But you can correct things she said to your children to suit how you want them to think of it - or at least that’s what I would do

@Mummy08m no one has told your birth story, I'm not sure why you are taking this so personally or splitting so many hairs things about the terms used, it's slightly odd.

You’re the ones out of order in this story. The parents are perfectly entitled to tell their child about a natural function- it’s not their fault you have issues. Your dh telling a 5 year old to be quiet “in no uncertain terms” sounds unpleasant and like it would make all 3 children present think there’s something shameful about periods. It’s the monthly shedding of the womb lining - why on earth is that unsuitable for children to hear?

There might be lots of things that you decide to keep from your kids but other parents don't. It's fine. It's just different parenting and neither is necessarily right or wrong.

I do think it was harsh and unfair of your husband to cut down your nephew just because his parents decided to share more information than you. How was your nephew to know that you consider periods to be something dirty that shouldn't be discussed at the dinner table?

I think you're being bizarrely controlling, OP. You possibly already dislike your MIL...? It sounds like quite a bonkers power struggle.

You repeatedly say you don't know how it came up, yet are so very sure your MIL brought it up. How are you so sure? On the balance of probabilities, it's equally if not more likely that a curious child asked. Most children ask.

Plus if your MIL is the kind to say "fairy", is she really the kind to bring it up? Unless you mean she happened to mention babies/birth, which led your DD to ask. So no one in your family is allowed to mention ANYTHING baby or birth related around your daughter, lest your daughter get curious?

If it came up in conversation, what did you expect your MIL to say? If she says it's a top secret conversation your DD should wait to have with her vagina authority mother, wouldn't that make it weirder?

I can understand wanting your children to have a clear picture. But if it comes up in conversation, you can't censor all the close/loving adults in her life.

That’s my point, (obviously not made clearly) MIL would have made it sound scary - hence “cut open” etc. I would have explained in a reasonable, unemotional and factual way - given the chance. I would have ensured there was no fear of a surgical delivery in DD’s mind.

however, as another comment hit the nail on the head I think - it’s possible that MIL brought this up to gloat about how she birthed “the right way”, and I “didn’t”.

she has raised a narcissistic son, who she believes can do no wrong and yet I never seem to be able to do good enough in her eyes.

we get on for the sake of keeping the peace. I do not choose or ask for the childcare/sleepovers. I agree to the bare minimum to keep the peace between me and my partner who asks for DD to go for sleepovers there.

I probably should have given the deeper relationship details in the OP, but I didn’t want to ramble or feel like I was deflecting from the main point.

I'm sympathising with the op. I'm only responding personally in response to someone quoting me. No one has told my birth story. Op's MIL has told hers. I think she is not unreasonable and I've explained why, using myself as an analogy.

You are being quite thread-policey when I haven't been rude to anyone, although I'd argue your comment to me is quite rude.

No I dont think it was her place to give out this information. I would be a bit annoyed too.

At that age I had noticed an aunt change pads (bringing into the toilet) and sort of cottoned on about periods, but it was a sort of shameful dirty thing in my family, just like in yours! Hard for me to shake that stigma even as a grown up now

It seems like you're changing the story as you're going along to make your mil sound as bad as possible. You don't know how the convo started but you're all het up to make your mil unreasonable when you have absolutely no idea what happened.

Your daughter seems none the worse for the experience - 6yos are allowed to giggle. Your mil sounded like she did a good job.

I have heard her talking to my children and nieces and nephews - when she’s taken them to the toilet, bathed them etc.

“wipe your fairy”
“time to wash your fairy”

I also imagine, given your DH's behaviour, that yours is the kind of family where periods are particularly taboo around men. Too dirty to be spoken about in front of men's delicate ears! My family was also a bit like that, less than yours though. :/

I haven’t mentioned it to him. Because she can never do wrong in his eyes and he defends everything she does - rightly and wrongly. Not worth an argument with him over it.