MIL telling DD how babies are born

[7whiteclouds]

My DD (6) has just said to me “when I had a sleepover at MIL’s a couple of weeks ago - MIL said to me that me and siblings were born by you having your tummy cut open but daddy was born by coming out of her vagina”.

AIBU to be really annoyed that MIL has told DD this information without 1) asking me if it was okay to have this conversation, 2) considering whether I wanted her to know this information yet and 3) whether it was ok for her to be the one to share this information?

I am all for giving my children honest information about human biology, in an age appropriate way and at a time, that I as a mother, feel is best for my children.

if DD had asked me how she was born then I would have explained to her, in the way that I want her to be taught. But DD didn’t ask MIL this question - MIL just told her this info (not sure the context of the conversation). I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information. She’s not asked me for a while but if she had come to me now and asked, then yes I would have explained how babies come out.

I think it’s really selfish and insensitive for her to have shared not only my personal information with DD, but the important conversation that I believe a mother should have with her DD - not the MIL. I remember when I found out how babies were born (at around DD’s age)that I was felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed about it - I didn’t want DD to feel the same; hence why I was waiting for her to ask me the question and for me to be able to explain to her in a way that suits my DD.

AIBU to say something to her about this or should I just stay quiet?

To be honest reading your further posts this sounds like you are making this into more of an issue than it needs to be because of the deeper problem of you not liking you MIL/having issues relating to MIL & DH

(rightly or wrongly, idk all the details and no judgement here!)

Children only get frightened or shamed by normal biological facts when you disrespect them by saying ridiculous things like they came out of a 'special door' 🙄.

I totally understand.

I'm very open and honest with my children about reproduction and childbirth BUT my eldest does not know that she was born by c-section and I don't want her to know (I nearly died during it and ended up suffering for years with birth trauma), and it's nothing to do with her age, it's because I find it painful to talk about and think about and I'd rather her just continue to believe that she was born by my vagina, which is what she assumes as her younger sister was.

It wasn't your MIL's place to tell her how she was born.

To you this was a dig about how you had a c section and that's why it's hit a nerve. If you were at peace with your birth story maybe it wouldn't be so triggering still? I'd tell her not to share info again and instead say ask your mother or father.

But she didn’t explain to your daughter how the conception happened she only explain the birth part, so I don’t understand what the problem is? When my youngest was born my 2 older daughters were 3 and 6 and they saw me have a sweep and were with me at home during my labour. It’s never done my girls any harm to know where a baby comes out of.
you should try having my MIL she asked her sons (when they were little) if any men had touched their bottom In the toilet and gave my 10 year old a Chinese burn. Hence why she doesn’t see my children anymore.

Children feel "embarrassed" to learn about human biology because adults come up with ridiculous stories about "special doors" in tummies through which babies are supposedly born, plus cutesy names for body parts and other silliness.

MIL hasn't told her some huge shameful secret. She's told her a fact about human biology. Would you be bent out of shape if she'd told her about the bones in the human leg? Or how our digestive system works? As long as she was told the facts without embellishment in a way that was accessible to her, there is absolutely zero issue here.

Are you going to just ask your MIL why she said this to your DD? What the context was?

Also, I don’t personally think she’s told your birth story. My experience of child birth, and therefore my birth story, is not just whether I had a vaginal birth or a c section. There was a lot more to it and I certainly won’t be sharing that with my child as it isn’t something I feel she needs to know. The rest is just literally how a baby enters the world; vagina or abdomen.

Personally I think children should know about periods and childbirth at an early age. It is not a shameful secret and it is not a special mother/daughter moment either.

I don't actually think what you outlined is so unreasonable. I presume the unreasonable bit is more about your bad relationship with her and therefore attributing other possible motives and coy language, which none of us can get from the original post. So on the original post and the questions then no I don't think it was unreasonable of her. I also can't see how you know how the conversation came up. You are asking if something is unreasonable based on the particular knowledge and bad relationship you have with someone but that is quite different. I don't really think this would be a hill I'd die on and from what you describe your daughter sounds more giggly than disturbed. Actually, surely this is ok. She is too young really to understand really the full import of such information and it is clear she has not picked up on what you were saying about how her grandmother was trying to make it sound very scary. So maybe your mil didn't try and make it sound that scary. Maybe she did end up in a conversation with questions she had to choose how to answer and did it to the best of her ability.

At the end of the day your relationship with her may not be good but that doesn't mean she's been mean or gloating or tried to make your daughter fearful. There doesn't seem to be any evidence of this from what you say or the reaction of your daughter. If she used silly coy or dated terminology that's really not the end of the world. Just tell it your own way instead.

It wasn't her job to tell her that

I think the op only is taking it as a.dig because another poster suggested it might be. She hadn't thought that before.starting this thread. So it hadn't hit a nerve.

Can’t understand why you’re upset about this to be honest, it’s common basic biology. Hardly a bit secret.

Thank you. Exactly this. I hadn’t thought of this before. And then when the another poster mentioned it, I realised that that’s what I believe MIL’s intentions behind the conversation/comments were.

YABVU. From your updates, it sounds like you have issues with both your MIL and your partner. That seems to be clouding your judgement on this. Your poor MIL doesn't seem to have done anything wrong here.

You had your chance to give your child this information and you blew it by wanging on about a "special door".

I wouldn't be too dogmatic about the use of "fairy", either. I tried to bring my children up to use correct anatomical terminology (I'm a healthcare professional). But actually all of their friends at nursery/school used the local colloquialism for their genitals, and my children felt confused - we've relented and now use the local word at home and they're ironically much clearer now in what they are describing. I am aware of the safeguarding reasons to encourage the correct use of terminology, but it was certainly counterproductive for us.

I was waiting for my DD to come to me to ask this question - she previously had at a younger age and I’d just light heartedly said to her “through a special door on my tummy” (partially true for a CS) - until she was ready for more information.

A special door? What a bizarre thing to say. No wonder so many kids are so clueless and confused about basic biology.

You say you were waiting for her to come to you, and she did, yet you still didn't begin a factual conversation. If she asked, which she did, she was ready for more information. Instead, your kid is thinking you have a door to Narnia in your stomach.

I don't think you're being unreasonable! I was babysitting my 5 year old niece recently and we went to visit a friend with a newborn. On the way home my niece asked me 'how do babies get here?' I just said 'oh that's a big question, why don't you ask mummy and daddy when you get home?' Then I later texted my brother to let him know the question was coming his way.

I think your MIL explained it in an age appropriate way but it wasn't her place to share it. She should have redirected DD to you.

It sounds fine to me. At 6, kids have some basic ideas about the facts of life and do/should ask questions about this kind of stuff and no doubt it came up in some way. Even if it didn't, I can't think what harm it's done. I think she explained it well. I don't think it's something she should have to check with you first.

I have 2 DD, dd1 by vaginal and dd2 by ELCS. The first birth was traumatic and I needed 2 operations to repair my prolapse. My dd 9 and 11 have both known the basic facts of this from a young age and I'd never think to hide it from them. They remember me being in hospital; they were 3 and 5 then 4 and 6 (operations a year apart).To change the story so would mean lying which I'd only have to explain later.

Okay, well it sounds like things are very difficult with your partner and his mother and you have my sympathies for that. Any relationship which relies on one of the people in it to keep the peace by doing things they’re unhappy with isn’t a good one. You could start another thread asking for support about that.

I maintain that her explanation wasn’t wrong but given the bigger picture you’ve gone on to describe I can see why you’re sensitive about it.

Sorry for any confusion.

it’s the fact that MIL thought she had the right to impart this new knowledge on my daughter before i had. I feel like it wasn’t her place to say. As another poster had mentioned, which I hadn’t of thought of before I posted - I truly feel that MIL wouldn’t have given this information because she wanted to make DD knowledgeable about human biology; it would have been more about how in her eyes she birthed “the correct way” and I didn’t.

I have no issue with having had surgical deliveries, none whatsoever.

I was mindful of not rambling too much in the OP, but if you all knew MIL like I do, I imagine there would be some different views perhaps.

"Ask your mum", then mil should say what's happened. Anything else is not acceptable.

I had a mum complain my Dd told her Dd how babies were born. They were 4. Her sisters were born by csection (twins) so we’d explained and talked about being careful with mummy’s tummy 6 months earlier and she’d asked if that was how she was born and I said no actually you came out of my vagina but it’s very clever and can open like a trapdoor (I kind of panicked but she doesn’t seem too traumatised).

i would assume Dd said something to mil and in answering the question in the moment that’s what mil said. If she’d told some nonsense about a magical fairy tunnel (like the complaining mum described to me) then I’d have an issue but she didn’t, she was factual and honest. Lovely Dd and her grandmother can have a nice relationship.

I think mil was out of order in not telling you this conversation had happened- fine for her to answer dd if asked (although I appreciate you say dd didn’t ask) but she absolutely should have then told you so that you were able to follow up with dd if needed or deal with anything that was worrying her.

Absolutely not. I am 100% at peace with my birth stories and always have been - no issue there. Like the below poster said - I hadn’t thought about how this could actually have been a dig at how she birthed the correct way in her eyes, and I birthed the wrong way. Knowing my MIL like I do, I feel this is a strong possibility.

If the real issue is that you have a narcissist partner whose mother always oversteps your boundaries, yet you send your young DC there overnight anyway because it’s “not worth a fight” then you have bigger issues than whether your MIL uses the term “fairy” instead of vagina and who tells a 6 year old when about childbirth.

‘through a special door on my tummy’ 🙄