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Original poster

Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

198 replies

Elemento · 16/06/2023 21:48

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 16/06/2023 21:51

If you want to stay married, yes.

You’re already humiliating your husband by talking disparagingly about your marriage. You’re an inch away from an affair.

I was too close to a married man once (when single) and I left my workplace. Sometimes you need to make the choice that helps take away choices you don’t want to make. That aren’t who you are.

3luckystars · 16/06/2023 21:54

Definitely move away from the situation fast.

CalistoNoSolo · 16/06/2023 21:56

You're having an emotional affair. And how would you feel if your husband was shagging you more often and more passionately because he was thinking about the woman he works alongside?

continentallentil · 16/06/2023 22:01

Yes look for another job - and in the meantime don’t talk about your sex life again (bejaysus - how would you like it if your husband did?), no more physical contact or flirting.

Obviously don’t quit without something to go to, just get a grip and set some boundaries in the meantime.

Highlandhome · 16/06/2023 22:07

So, the above advice is all true & very good.

But ... do you actually fancy him? Or is he just good company, with at least one thing (work) in common, who you don't have to battle with over dirty dishes or bins or credit card debt or whatever. Loads of people seem wonderful when we don't need to think about the reality of life with them.
Either way, real feelings or perceived, it really doesn't matter if it's impacting your marriage.

Original poster
Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:10

I know you're all correct. I just wish these feelings would stop as my job is very unique and suits my skills and interests perfectly.

I don't know whether deep down inside if I want to know if he feels like this too. Because if I knew he didn't I think that would help me to stop feeling like this.

Aaaarrrgghhh!

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 16/06/2023 22:11

Do you realllly fancy him?

You say he's not your type: do you fantasise about having sex with him, being naked and intimate?

Or are you just impressed with his skills at his job, admire him massively and have a bit of a crush on him?

JRHartleysmum · 16/06/2023 22:11

What do you actually want ? To destroy two families for a few shags ? Grow up and nip this in the bud now. Keep your distance, you’re completely in control and don’t be so bloody stupid

Original poster
Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:15

Highlandhome · 16/06/2023 22:07

So, the above advice is all true & very good.

But ... do you actually fancy him? Or is he just good company, with at least one thing (work) in common, who you don't have to battle with over dirty dishes or bins or credit card debt or whatever. Loads of people seem wonderful when we don't need to think about the reality of life with them.
Either way, real feelings or perceived, it really doesn't matter if it's impacting your marriage.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I guess I'm probably at the point in my life where things are a bit stale in my marriage, kids, work & chores mean little time for each other. Whereas he is a break from reality, and if I was with him that lust would soon wear off and I'd be picking up his dirty pants, he'd be farting in bed and we'd be ignoring each other on an evening & playing on our phone

OP posts:
LillyoftheMountain · 16/06/2023 22:16

Stop talking about your sex life with another woman’s husband! Seriously leave him alone and start focusing on your own husband and marriage. Your poor husband.

Original poster
Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:17

CantFindTheBeat · 16/06/2023 22:11

Do you realllly fancy him?

You say he's not your type: do you fantasise about having sex with him, being naked and intimate?

Or are you just impressed with his skills at his job, admire him massively and have a bit of a crush on him?

No. I don't think I do. I think I just like the attention, and think he's a lovely person. He's not physically my type (I know I'm not his either), and I don't think we have really much in common.

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 16/06/2023 22:18

Go and read about limerance.

You can choose to encourage these feelings and the rush of feeling as if you are out of control, or you can recognize that you enjoy his company and could fall for him if you let yourself, but that you’re not going to, because you can control it, you just don’t want to because you like it.

I had a similar experience a couple of years back. I got my feelings under control and now look back and wonder that I felt that way. He’s a nice man, but that’s all.

JRHartleysmum · 16/06/2023 22:18

You’re flattered, don’t do something you will bitterly regret because someone blew a bit of smoke up your arse

JRHartleysmum · 16/06/2023 22:20

And he’s not a nice man if he’s flirting and discussing his sex life with another woman

tiaandduck · 16/06/2023 22:21

Get out of this situation now. It will not end well in the long run. Your already wondering if he's feeling the same and you will push and push him to confess what you want to hear for the validation...then what? Because if you knew he felt the same then you will push the boundaries more and more.
It's all lust and romance until people get hurt...until your sharing custody of the kids and your in financial ruin...until you have to watch your ex husband move on with someone else...meanwhile your shacked up with mr impressive and his ex wife wants him back and won't leave him alone...before you know it you've lost your family, your home, your job and mr impressive. You have nothing.
Please just think this through. It's not going to get any better whilst you work with him.

Original poster
Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:22

LillyoftheMountain · 16/06/2023 22:16

Stop talking about your sex life with another woman’s husband! Seriously leave him alone and start focusing on your own husband and marriage. Your poor husband.

I didn't talk about my sex life as in "we do this and that", it was leading on from the TV show Naked Attraction - he said he would sleep with someone based on looks whereas I said I couldn't have chemistry with someone without liking them as a person. That's the same conversation I might have with a female friend or close colleague. I wouldn't talk about anything personal per se. I don't actually think if my husband made a comment like that I would be overly fussed.

OP posts:
Nicecow · 16/06/2023 22:24

You said it's just a crush, just wait it put. You'll get over it I'm sure

HandlebarLadyTash · 16/06/2023 22:27

Stay away.
My husband flirted for years and then they facetime mastubated together for a couple of years.
I found out recently and am devastated, we are trying to work through it but I know it will take years.

Original poster
Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:32

Nicecow · 16/06/2023 22:24

You said it's just a crush, just wait it put. You'll get over it I'm sure

This is what I'm hoping. Even if I did look to leave, I've got a 3 month notice period.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 16/06/2023 22:32

In your OP you mention your husband very little. Do you love him?

How would you feel if you knew he was having these thoughts and flirtations with a female work colleague? Would you be devastated, or relieved?

Maybe your marriage is over already and this has given you the impetus to see what you are missing (which sometimes happens) or maybe you're bored and this guy is a nice distraction and ego boost (which happens more often).

If it's the first thing, figure out a way to end your marriage with the least amount of devastation to everyone around you. If it's the second one, put boundaries in place before you become a walking cliche of a workplace affair.

Bromptotoo · 16/06/2023 22:35

Been in a similar thing two or three times in 40 or so years.

Work is an emotional place; folks tell things about themselves both in and outside the work space and get close. You might share 'in jokes' and be together for tea, coffee and even the odd drink after work. But, and here's the clincher, you've nowt in common outside of the job.

If it goes no further than that; neither of you try to 'push the envelope' beyond a parting hug then it's OK.

I described the most recent of these relationships, with a woman ten years younger and both of us with kids in their twenties, to my daughter. She laughed and said my colleague was my 'work wife'.

OneCup · 16/06/2023 22:35

Your poor husband.
Can you ask to be moved to another section? Can you change roles? Or at least ask to work with someone else instead?

youhavenoshameonyourface · 16/06/2023 22:35

I think I'd try some DIY aversion therapy. Every time you have a sexy thought about him take a big whiff of an onion and imagine that's what his pants smell like. Imagine him clearing phlegm from his throat when you think of kissing him. His breath smells like cabbage and he's really, really boring and coy/shy/simpering at sex. He eat his own bogeys and snores like a walrus too.

pizzaHeart · 16/06/2023 22:36

I think it says more about your home life than about your feelings towards your colleague - you are just bored with monotony of your home life. So I would look at it (home life) more closely: what could you change? You said that you spent more time with him then with your DH so it’s the first thing to think about.
And I agree with @JRHartleysmum - he is not nice, he is crossing boundaries with you stroking his ego.

LadyJ2023 · 16/06/2023 22:43

Wow over a year, tbh your sick in the head and I feel heart sorry for your husband. You've already cheated so don't forget to tell him