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Original poster

Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

198 replies

Elemento · 16/06/2023 21:48

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 07/08/2023 16:09

I’ve seen a few people developing relationships at work, it’s cringeworthy, and other colleagues do notice it and gossip about it. It’s so disrespectful to your husband and his wife. Nip it in bud ASAP is my advice.

BatheInTheLight · 07/08/2023 16:16

If you husband is as bad as you say he is (which I'm not disputing), why don't you just leave? You should just get a divorce.

IhearyouClemFandango · 07/08/2023 16:20

Of course they're both wrong. But he isn't the one posting here.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2023 16:23

Elemento · 07/08/2023 15:10

The thread can be reported the Mumsnet but they will confirm I am a genuine poster who has posted under other usernames prior to the first post and between then and my update.

I feel completely swept away by this man, however cheesy it sounds. I haven't told anyone in real life, they would all think exactly the same as you all do, as I would do if I was reading this from the other side. He's making me feel more wanted and appreciated than I have done in a very long time. I know know KNOW it's absolutely morally reprehensible. I know it will end in tears, either I want more and he doesn't, he wants more and I don't, our spouses find out...

I know I need to shake myself and say "Elemento, what the fuck are you doing?!" but I'm actually happy for the first time in a long term. Yes I know, I don't deserve happiness from this. The affect this is having on me:

1 - my husband verbally abuses me, incredibly nasty things, and I believe him. I go to bed in tears. I am now deaf to this, it's him not me, and I haven't gone to bed crying like I usually do.
2 - I actually feel worthwhile, like someone could actually love me for who I am
3 - my confidence has increased so much, I feel I am the person I am supposed to be, colleagues have noticed I am a different person
4 - I emotional eat, I am an absolute pig when my mental health is low - but all of that has stopped, I am in a good place

I know we are being despicable. I just need an outlet to say how good it's actually for me, however wrong that is.

To be honest, you are revelling in it.

Why is your affair doomed to fail because "either he will want more and I won't or I will want more and he won't"? Because you are missing two options which both take more maturity and effort - both of you realizing that this was stupid and you don't want more, or both of you wanting more and commiting to achieving it.

It's melodramatic to frame it the way you have.

The psychology of "I fancied him, so chose to shag my emotionally abusive husband more" doesn't really track either.

Vent your feelings, get it out of your system with us, whatever, but at some point you're going to have to start being a grown up about this.

(P.s. in case you're wondering, a guy who cheats on his wife is not a great relationship bet)

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2023 16:26

(P.s. in case you're wondering, a guy who cheats on his wife is not a great relationship bet)

Exactly this. This man is NOT a catch.

Mirabai · 07/08/2023 16:29

Elemento · 07/08/2023 15:10

The thread can be reported the Mumsnet but they will confirm I am a genuine poster who has posted under other usernames prior to the first post and between then and my update.

I feel completely swept away by this man, however cheesy it sounds. I haven't told anyone in real life, they would all think exactly the same as you all do, as I would do if I was reading this from the other side. He's making me feel more wanted and appreciated than I have done in a very long time. I know know KNOW it's absolutely morally reprehensible. I know it will end in tears, either I want more and he doesn't, he wants more and I don't, our spouses find out...

I know I need to shake myself and say "Elemento, what the fuck are you doing?!" but I'm actually happy for the first time in a long term. Yes I know, I don't deserve happiness from this. The affect this is having on me:

1 - my husband verbally abuses me, incredibly nasty things, and I believe him. I go to bed in tears. I am now deaf to this, it's him not me, and I haven't gone to bed crying like I usually do.
2 - I actually feel worthwhile, like someone could actually love me for who I am
3 - my confidence has increased so much, I feel I am the person I am supposed to be, colleagues have noticed I am a different person
4 - I emotional eat, I am an absolute pig when my mental health is low - but all of that has stopped, I am in a good place

I know we are being despicable. I just need an outlet to say how good it's actually for me, however wrong that is.

Well it’s clear you need to get out of a bad marriage. And it’s clear now why this crush has happened. So let this be the catalyst to divorce and find yourself again.

He’s not likely to leave his wife/family and it’s certainly better for his kids if he doesn’t, but you can find someone else and build a better life.

Charlize43 · 07/08/2023 16:30

Tabitha005 · 07/08/2023 13:22

Personally, I think handing your notice in at a job you're great at and enjoy because you fancy your colleague is drastic and unnecessary. There's no guarantee you wouldn't end up working with someone you fancied just as much - if not more - than your current colleague (I'm only half-joking).

Thinking about other people when you're having sex with your spouse isn't a crime, either. The amount of strident catastrophising and sanctimonious comments on this thread aren't useful. Calls for the OP to: 'pull herself together' and 'stop being ridiculous' are of no help whatsoever.

Op, if I were in your shoes, I'd recognise your current interest in your colleague for what it is: a nudge to take action in your own marriage and relationship with your husband.... which may, ultimately, result in you not staying together in the long run or entering a new phase that might be better than you could ever have imagined.

Ignore the snarky comments, you're not stupid or ridiculous. You're just human and subject to the same pushes and pulls of emotional responses as anyone else.

Show quote history

She shagged him. Are you happy now?

Think of the children.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 16:37

Elemento · 16/06/2023 22:10

I know you're all correct. I just wish these feelings would stop as my job is very unique and suits my skills and interests perfectly.

I don't know whether deep down inside if I want to know if he feels like this too. Because if I knew he didn't I think that would help me to stop feeling like this.

Aaaarrrgghhh!

HNRWT- Am I the only one who thinks just tell the colleague: he will do nothing out of shock anyway; he might respond that he does not fancy you or might say nothing. However, if you tell him, both of you are likely to stop talking about sex lives and the closeness will naturally disappear.

I doubt very much he is looking to leave his wife for you as he would have already made a move- men are rather black and white about these things and only think of consequences later.

Or just leave the job.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2023 16:39

@Elemento be v v careful my mum was in a similar situation 35 years ago and it caused her to have a complete breakdown. The man left his job (teaching so easy to find) it rocked my parents relationship (my dad was more self absorbed/distance) and had a huge effect on me.

What strikes me from this is you like him because he liked you, the time he spent, the way he looked at you and how that made you feel. Nothing else.

i hope I am wrong but all that points to is a particular type of man, one who will never leave his wife, one who doesn’t have the same feelings and one who has preyed on your weaknesses and who has the power to chew you up and spit ypu out.

Even if he is a nice lovely man you has these feelings putting your self esteem and worth into the hands of another is incredibly dangerous.

my advice, end your marriage, end your affair and work on yourself. Before you end up having a breakdown

SwishSwishBisch · 07/08/2023 16:43

I agree with everything @5128gap said.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/08/2023 16:43

Just read your update OP . This is exactly what happened to a family member of mine ( they were not the one who cheated ).Started as friends , then escalated over time until the effect was two broken marriages and some devastated children who no longer have their father at home . If your marriage was over you should have left long ago . There is no excuse . End one relationship now . I wonder how much trust there will be in this new relationship with both of you knowing you are both cheats .

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:07

Just saw OP's update. So she didnt have it under control as she lied to us. I did doubt her carefully worded op was not true but just toned down for her audience- us. I feel like such a fool to believe you.

I was at the receiving end of a horrible crush by a married man when I was single...he was absolutely gorgeous but with small kids. I was absolutely in control of myself and slowly pushed him away (I had to be gentle as he was absolutely smitten which we didn't even think he knew what he was thinking himself) ( I would have also pushed him away harder and faster if I thought I was not in control of myself). I got married soon after and he still invited me for a drink which I knew was no drink at all, so I politely DECLINED.

OP clearly wanted this affair to begin. I am sorry, but I am not sorry.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/08/2023 17:12

Patiently awaiting this all coming crashing down around your ears when the hormones wear off and he loses interest in you in favour of the next dipshit who'll give his dick and ego some attention.

This isn't love OP, it's limerance combined with a healthy dose of delusion and stupidity. No amount of "oh poor me my life was so hard until this man cured it with his penis" is going to get you much sympathy.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:12

yes, during that horrendous time, I was being helped very beautifully by a very switched on friend - who actually picked up this horrible crush and warned me- but at no point did I lie to her about what I wanted to happen or how, what I was really feeling- the more he made himself appealing to me, the sooner I started thinking maybe he was genuine but I was clear, I did not want him as I did not want his life.

I would have felt bad had I lied to my friend throughout that horrendous time- for me.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:14

*time to me. not for me.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:17

picked it up on his side- I had no idea I made such an impression on me, nor was I impressed by him. I just saw a good looking man- delete that- gorgeous man with his young family- and that was that. nothing more.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:18

on him.

Sorry, I am SHOCKED by OP's behaviour can't even type.

5128gap · 07/08/2023 17:19

I think its also worth revisiting a very telling comment from your first OP. He's not your type and you have nothing in common.
Given your update about your marriage its seems highly likely that you don't even want this guy. You want that he wants you, and the ego boost that gives you. And I'm willing to bet, like a lot of less than attractive guys who persue married women, he knows this full well and is capitalising on it.
I get when you're feeling under appreciated in your marriage it erodes confidence and makes this sort of ego boost very attractive. But honestly, it's so not worth lying to your family and having sex with a guy you wouldn't normally have looked at sideways to get it.

GoingGoingUp · 07/08/2023 17:25

Oh there it is. The “oh my husband is so nasty, he emotionally abuses me, I’m so unhappy”, yet she forgot she mentioned he loves her more than she loves him.

It’s as though she’s revelling in the situation and is only posting about it because she wants to share the news but knows everyone in real life will think she’s nasty.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 07/08/2023 17:28

5128gap · 07/08/2023 15:18

Its not your affair that's causing all those positive changes. Its an increase in self esteem.
You are now seeing yourself as someone desirable, worthwhile, who deserves care, and doesn't have to put up with poor treatment. All of which is great, but because its been generated by the interest of another man, who could withdraw that at any time, it's a house of cards.
The affair is serving to show you who you could be if you had higher self esteem, so its useful in that. However having self esteem riding on this man's interest in you, is highly dangerous and the fall if /when it ends, could take you further down than you were in the first place.
You'd be far better looking for healthy genuine ways to feel good about yourself than the whim of a cheating man.

Perfect advice.

mealtickett · 07/08/2023 17:29

Livebythecoast · 07/08/2023 13:25

Have you not read her update? She's already shagged him!

Show quote history

@Livebythecoast well said. hahaha made me chuckle. My heart is raising I am really shocked as I really believed OP was in control as she repeatedly lied to us- I cannot get over that lie.

MimiSunshine · 07/08/2023 17:29

Elemento · 07/08/2023 15:15

And to those saying it's going to cost me, him or both of us our jobs? Please explain how... I've read our policy and it's not prohibited. It says we need to declare it if it could cause a conflict of interest. I might be totally thick, but I'm not sure being with someone who is the same level as me is a conflict of interest... And even if it is, how it would result in one or both of us losing our jobs?

Because it’s highly likely that it’ll all end in tears and then it’s likely one of you will have to leave. Even if it’s not you that leaves, it will hugely impact your reputation at work and hang over you.
If it is you that leaves, you’ve lost a job and company that you love.

madeinmanc · 07/08/2023 17:35

I think people should stick to advising the OP rather than revelling in the moral pile-on. Some people are seemingly loving the chance to chastise an adulterous woman rather too much. This isn't the Handmaid's Tale. And no, I'm not defending affairs and I've never had one before someone says that.

FatNoMoreSue · 07/08/2023 17:40

Ugh. How sordid.

GloryBees · 07/08/2023 17:40

OP you need to put yourself first and try and think calmly. The nest of vipers which is Mumsnet is not the place to bet some calm advice. People have had affairs for years, sometimes these things happen and yes they can be the catalyst for you to value yourself and who you are. It’s is rarely as black and white as many posters like to suggest.

Regardless, I’d suggest you get yourself some counselling. You need to share this with someone, you’re going to struggle to find support in real life.