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Original poster

Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

198 replies

Elemento · 16/06/2023 21:48

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

OP posts:
Name99 · 07/08/2023 11:50

Well aren't you a selfish dickhead

QuizzlyBears · 07/08/2023 11:54

Ruining lives, being massively disrespectful and a selfish bitch. That’s what you’re doing. And the fact that you came back here to update, and the tone of that post - sounds like you’re proud of it. Your poor husband, get in the bin.

AmazingSnakeHead · 07/08/2023 11:55

I think you should end the affair and tell your husband, in that order. Is it worth sacrificing your family and job, for an idiot with bad football tattoos?

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2023 11:58

Cupcakekiller · 07/08/2023 11:24

OP, you probably need to end your marriage if you can't stay away from him.

And if you don’t want to end your marriage you need to get a new job.

nidgey · 07/08/2023 12:06

pizzaHeart · 16/06/2023 22:36

I think it says more about your home life than about your feelings towards your colleague - you are just bored with monotony of your home life. So I would look at it (home life) more closely: what could you change? You said that you spent more time with him then with your DH so it’s the first thing to think about.
And I agree with @JRHartleysmum - he is not nice, he is crossing boundaries with you stroking his ego.

This is good advice, focus on having more fun with your husband.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/08/2023 12:07

Elemento · 07/08/2023 10:21

UPDATE: a group of colleagues ended up going out for a bite to eat and a couple of drinks. I ended up taking him back in my car. We ended up chatting, the chatting turned in to innuendos. The next day at work, we kept smiling at each other. That night we messaged each other and the innuendos became blatant sexting. We both said how much we fancied each other, and ended up sleeping together. We now are having a full blown affair. What the fuck am I doing?

What are you doing?

Destroying your life. Destroying your DH’s life. Destroying your DC’s lives. Destroying his life. Destroy his wives life. Destroying his DCs lives. Ruining your career.

This will only end one way. Is he really worth throwing away everything you’ve worked for in terms of family and career? I hope he will make you very very happy when he is the only thing left of your life.

SwishSwishBisch · 07/08/2023 12:14

Fucking hell OP. “What the fuck you’re doing” is burying your marriage, and his.
Tell your spouses.
Now.
It is about the only decent thing left that either of you can do now.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re both still utter shitbags but there is no other morally acceptable outcome to this now.
You've made your bed.
Now lie in it.

Narjilla · 07/08/2023 12:15

Oh no what have you done?!

WantingToEducate · 07/08/2023 12:17

This time last year I met someone and felt an instant attraction.

I couldn’t really avoid them as our children were best friends at school.

I knew it was just me crushing on them but after about 7 months I realised that it no longer felt like an innocent crush….it had become something more and although I didn’t really understand it I knew that it was wrong and I felt like I was deceiving my husband, who I love very, very much.

As a result I called off our friendship and explained why.

I stayed away from them for about two months and in that time I started reading about Limerence and that described the situation perfectly.

After those two months of staying away we have now re-built our friendship, sort of, and I don’t feel anything. We aren’t friends like we used to be, we never go out together just the two of us anymore, I barely text them etc and when we do chat we keep it quite superficial, no more talking about our partners and relationship problems etc.

That’s what you should have done OP. The minute you realised that what you felt was beyond an innocent crush was when you should have stepped away.

I am Gobsmacked by your update….you almost sound proud of what you’ve done.

You’ve both put a bomb amongst your families and when it blows up, which it absolutely will, then you will deserve the loss of your family.

Your poor husband and your poor children.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

5128gap · 07/08/2023 12:21

WTF are you doing you ask? Well instead of saving yourself while you could, you've taken a path that will be hugely stressful, upsetting and destructive.
Very few people manage to run two relationships at the same time without there being major fall out. One of the following is likely to happen:
You may be found out and may lose your marriage.
You may fall in love with OM and have to choose between him abd your family if he feels the same way. Or be badly hurt if he doesn't.
OM may fall for you and could make your life very difficult if you don't feel the same way.
You may get away with it, but at the huge expense of your peace of mind, focus on your family, and time and head space you could be devoting to your real life.
And for what? A guy who will happily cheat on his wife, so isn't even a good bet.
Whats done is done, and it probably feels great right now, but truly, you will very likely regret it, and the longer you carry on the more chance of that there will be.
If you've any sense, you could still get out. But you won't I'm sure. So buckle up, because there's tough times ahead.

3luckystars · 07/08/2023 12:25

I know you didn’t want to listen the first time but please do now. Get away, fast.
you are not just cheating on your husband but also your family.
Its awful altogether and you can stop it.

Sothisiit · 07/08/2023 12:48

I am currently working through the decimation of my marriage on the other end of an emotional affair with my OH had with a colleague in their department.
Unfortunately I work in the same building in a different area. It's bloody awful and has caused may whole world to be destroyed.
The only thing keeping me from going insane and falling apart is that I have to keep it together for my DC.
A fling at work has now destroyed a marriage , 18 year relationship, family life, and my future happiness as well as being a total humiliation. I will likely have to change my work too.
Please if you value your family and marriage respect your OH and stop this humiliating behaviour now.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 12:51

What you do is either change jobs or start behaving like a proper grown up and have some boundaries

3luckystars · 07/08/2023 12:52

@Sothisiit You should not feel humiliated. They should. If you heard if a colleague doing this you would be disgusted and feel compassion for their wife. Well done on keeping strong for your children.
These things never work out. I read the statistics before and they just never work after it all comes out.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2023 12:55

JRHartleysmum · 16/06/2023 22:20

And he’s not a nice man if he’s flirting and discussing his sex life with another woman

Christ, this.

I had to sit through a friend having a mega crush on a man who told her all sorts of shit about his pregnant fiance.

The slimy git was clearly a complete toad. Very unattractive.

IhearyouClemFandango · 07/08/2023 13:02

Being a complete pillock. Slow clap.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 07/08/2023 13:04

Oh shit OP. I could've been you, but fate stepped in really and separated us at work, which has helped although I'm struggling with it a bit.

I don't know what to say really. Apart from don't shag a guy with football tattoos.

VioletVesper · 07/08/2023 13:16

Wow OP. You realise by sleeping with him you will potentially now lose both your marriage AND the job you say you love? It is really hard to have any sympathy for you when so many previous posters spelled this out for you and gave you solid advice. ….I hope it was worth it.

Farahpascalmoges · 07/08/2023 13:21

OP:
We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other.

No, you have gone way, way too far. Your husband would be heartbroken at this attachment and you know it.

Tabitha005 · 07/08/2023 13:22

Charlize43 · 16/06/2023 23:03

Look for another job immediately. So totally unprofessional to be behaving like this, not to mention the fact as you've already stated that you are both married. Something a bit cringe about it all.

Personally, I think handing your notice in at a job you're great at and enjoy because you fancy your colleague is drastic and unnecessary. There's no guarantee you wouldn't end up working with someone you fancied just as much - if not more - than your current colleague (I'm only half-joking).

Thinking about other people when you're having sex with your spouse isn't a crime, either. The amount of strident catastrophising and sanctimonious comments on this thread aren't useful. Calls for the OP to: 'pull herself together' and 'stop being ridiculous' are of no help whatsoever.

Op, if I were in your shoes, I'd recognise your current interest in your colleague for what it is: a nudge to take action in your own marriage and relationship with your husband.... which may, ultimately, result in you not staying together in the long run or entering a new phase that might be better than you could ever have imagined.

Ignore the snarky comments, you're not stupid or ridiculous. You're just human and subject to the same pushes and pulls of emotional responses as anyone else.

Gerrataere · 07/08/2023 13:24

Tabitha005 · 07/08/2023 13:22

Personally, I think handing your notice in at a job you're great at and enjoy because you fancy your colleague is drastic and unnecessary. There's no guarantee you wouldn't end up working with someone you fancied just as much - if not more - than your current colleague (I'm only half-joking).

Thinking about other people when you're having sex with your spouse isn't a crime, either. The amount of strident catastrophising and sanctimonious comments on this thread aren't useful. Calls for the OP to: 'pull herself together' and 'stop being ridiculous' are of no help whatsoever.

Op, if I were in your shoes, I'd recognise your current interest in your colleague for what it is: a nudge to take action in your own marriage and relationship with your husband.... which may, ultimately, result in you not staying together in the long run or entering a new phase that might be better than you could ever have imagined.

Ignore the snarky comments, you're not stupid or ridiculous. You're just human and subject to the same pushes and pulls of emotional responses as anyone else.

Show quote history

@Tabitha005 youve missed the update. Op came back and said she’s now in a full affair with the guy.

3rdtimemumma · 07/08/2023 13:25

youhavenoshameonyourface · 16/06/2023 22:35

I think I'd try some DIY aversion therapy. Every time you have a sexy thought about him take a big whiff of an onion and imagine that's what his pants smell like. Imagine him clearing phlegm from his throat when you think of kissing him. His breath smells like cabbage and he's really, really boring and coy/shy/simpering at sex. He eat his own bogeys and snores like a walrus too.

I love this answer. Don't go near him and keep contact professional op!

Livebythecoast · 07/08/2023 13:25

Tabitha005 · 07/08/2023 13:22

Personally, I think handing your notice in at a job you're great at and enjoy because you fancy your colleague is drastic and unnecessary. There's no guarantee you wouldn't end up working with someone you fancied just as much - if not more - than your current colleague (I'm only half-joking).

Thinking about other people when you're having sex with your spouse isn't a crime, either. The amount of strident catastrophising and sanctimonious comments on this thread aren't useful. Calls for the OP to: 'pull herself together' and 'stop being ridiculous' are of no help whatsoever.

Op, if I were in your shoes, I'd recognise your current interest in your colleague for what it is: a nudge to take action in your own marriage and relationship with your husband.... which may, ultimately, result in you not staying together in the long run or entering a new phase that might be better than you could ever have imagined.

Ignore the snarky comments, you're not stupid or ridiculous. You're just human and subject to the same pushes and pulls of emotional responses as anyone else.

Show quote history

Have you not read her update? She's already shagged him!

Tabitha005 · 07/08/2023 13:25

@Gerrataere - oh, blimey, what a fuck up!

Farahpascalmoges · 07/08/2023 13:25

"Nothing is going to happen" You said in your first post. Now he's fucked you and your marriage is fucked as well.

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