Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

[Elemento]

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

I’d at least try and put some boundaries in place and learn about limerance and see if you can stop feeling this way before jacking your job in, OP. Seems like an extreme measure before you’ve tried exercising more restraint.

What does he look like?

So you say you grumble about your marriages and sometimes talk about your sex lives 🤔. Your playing with fire, you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be on here asking, you know you will get burned.

This thread has a familiarity about it, have you posted before?

Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if it was your husband “grumbling” about your marriage and sometimes mentioning his sex life with you and he was speaking to a female colleague about it? You might not think it’s exciting then.

It’s okay to have a great relationship with a male colleague, but I think you know the line has already been crossed or it’s very close to being crossed.

You've probably got the whole 7 year itch thing. I'd just wait it out as everything else sounds great at your work (which is hard to find). Maybe start focusing on his ick factors.

This too. My friend got caught almost about to DTD with a colleague by her husband. Afterwards she was still a bit infatuated with the colleague although they never spoke about it. A month later she was totally over him, had no idea what she even saw in him. Now she can barely stand him. I feel it will pass if you don't act on it. If you think you will though, then maybe it's better you leave. The fact you would consider leaving says you don't want to pursue a relationship with this person

It never ends well OP, even when you think you'll be the exception to the rule.

Just wait until the workplace gossip and rumor mill starts, which in kind honesty, if your manager is already commenting on how well you work together, they are likely already picking up on, and it's only a matter of time. It's far less inconspicuous to yourselves than it is to everyone else, and having people gossip and make assumptions about your sex life and private relationships is no fun, intrusive, and humiliating, even without cause for gossip other than being good friends.

You're infatuated, what was the phrase, limerance? You'll need to do something before (and I'm not trying to be unkind here, I'm trying to give you straight-up advice to help you), you make a complete show of yourself.

This.
Your poor husband and his poor wife - they both deserve better. Sort yourself out ffs

Can you take some annual leave, op? It might help dissipate the feelings a bit. Then, you could decide if you need to look for another job, assuming you want to stay in your marriage.

If you want to keep your job then treat it as a madness that will pass, just a bunch of hormones coasting through your body. Grumbling about your marriage with someone you fancy is a complete redline, its very disloyal.

I can trust myself not to do that, I don't think anything will happen, at the moment it's enjoyable chat and that is the way it will stay.

I do sometimes look what else is out there, and this post was sparked by that really. I had a meeting with another organisation yesterday, and they passed me a job description for a new role they were just about to go out to advert for and said they hoped I would apply. I'm not going to (mainly because I'm happy where I am at the moment and think I'd struggle to work for their manager) but it's given me some confidence that if things were continuing to go down that path and I concluded did need move on, there are jobs out there that I stand a chance at getting.

Thank you, you are 100% correct

Definitely time to focus on the ick factors.

(I had accidentally typed u instead of o in focus and my phone auto corrected and my reply was almost 'definitely time to fuck' 🤦‍♀️ good job I spotted that!)

Then maybe look at ending your marriage if it's not fulfilling - possibly your husband also feels the same as you and is scared to say it. Do you really think it's fair to string him along while you are in love with someone else?

Also, it bugs me when grown adults say passive things like 'it just sort of happened' about their marriage or children - no, actually you made choices, presumably nobody forced you into getting married?
You may not like the outcome of those choices now, but you had options and went along with it.

There seems to be a bit of theme here of you framing things like you just drifted into things without any input or autonomy from you - your marriage, this emotional affair.
But you have control, and are making decisions and you need to take responsibility for that. For example, the decision not to put in place boundaries with this guy, and allow this to keep going is a decision, even if it may feel like you aren't actually doing anything.

He's not awful, and my husband is better looking. He's also only about an inch taller than me but I like tall men usually. He has an awful tattoo, I'm not against them but it's hideous. I think this is doing me some good actually!

What you're describing here is a common as a rainy Bank Holiday. You think this is a unique and special one off that's about the dynamic between you and this one guy, when in truth, it happens ALL the time, and there's a good chance exactly the same could happen with another guy in a new job.
Marriages get dull. Spouses stop having fun and making each other feel good. Colleagues are in a better position to show you their best selves, achieving, supporting, laughing together. It's a breath of fresh air compared to domestic life. It's not real though. If you had the full time they'd end up much like the one you have already.
I think you'd be better being a bit firmer with yourself than running away tbh.

No it’s not doing you good. I think you should take the other job. Just take it, it’s not perfect but it’s a door out of this.
be honest, if your colleague was gone tomorrow to another job, your current job would have no interest for you. He is the reason you love going in every day.

if you marriage is going to end, don’t let it be this way.

Id take the other job

Reminds me of a story I heard from a colleague in my first job. She frequently talked about her married friend who was having an affair and how she wanted to leave her husband. Then one day she did. Few days later, she went back to her husband having realised there was no substance to her feelings. Don't know if husband knew or what happened thereafter, but it was a salutary tale which is probably why I remember it.

You don't really fancy him, you don't know him outside the work context - shared work experiences are powerful and can feel intimate but they don't always translate to life out of work. I suspect it's more about boredom in your life - far better to work on what you have at home.

I have had work crushes though never seriously considered doing anything about them. One guy was gay, which I knew full well, not attractive and a controlling character but he was incredibly funny and we shared some interests (eg enjoyed the same books). He lit up my day, especially at work parties, and I had stupid fantasies about "turning him straight". But I knew it was all just that, fantasy.

These comments are so ridiculous .

This is entirely normal and happens with so many people so don't feel guilty .

Being married doesn't make you a saint or dead from the waist down.

I'd recommend independently working with a therapist to dig into your emotions here, is own marriage just stale - do you have other things going on?

I wouldn't be leaving a job in this economy!

Oh yes, if you're going to get a tattoo get a proper one. I like how you say he's not awful. He seems kind of interesting actually. I suppose he had to invest in his personality which isn't a bad idea because he's not a bore 😅

If you know the relationship will not become sexual (you seem to be very confident of that) and If you are interacting with your male colleague in the same way you would interact with a female colleague then there is no need to change jobs. In fact you should stay.
You and a colleague have a close friendship which is a force for good.

You can’t help your feelings.

However you CAN help what you do about them and you know full well that you’re indulging it by flirting and talking negatively about your relationship.

So stop. And if you can’t stop - leave.

He's the reason I go in every day? No he isn't, I've said earlier I have lovely colleagues, and that I love my job (and I think I'm good at it!)

I'd be sad if he left, but equally I'd be sad if anyone left (well almost anyone!)

I don't want to take the other job as I don't want to work for that manager

Thank you! I don't always fancy him - sometimes he says or does something that puts me off him, and I've gone a few weeks thinking what did I see in him.

But he's charming! Don't deny yourself a bit of levity whilst working. After all, you are a human being too, and you deserve some charm in your life