Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

[Elemento]

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

Advise her with what? A lot of us advised her at the time to stay well clear and nothing good will come of it. She ignored all that advice and started an affair…and came here to gloat with a fake call for help.

Leaving this thread. All pointless now as OP won't ever listen to any advice. NONE of us said she could TRY shagging him and then off she went to shag him. WHY come here if you really want helpful advice?

Affairs happen - the right thing to do now is to tell your husband.

As she's shagged him (see update) her professional reputation will be in tatters. I once worked at a place where two married department heads with children were shagging each other and although they genuinely thought that nobody knew, EVERYONE knew as they'd been spotted fumbling in the car park. The only people they were kidding were themselves, because everyone was sniggering about them behind their backs and they were the subject of much gossip... and people are also judgy.

You are more likely to get away with shagging your co workers if you are known to be single, but if you are known to be married with children then that is less forgiving: Women especially tend to get the brunt of disrespect and blame more, as the men are often seen as office Lotharios. That's the unfair society we live in... and offices can be very back stabby.

Sadly, everyone will be speculating if he'll be prepared to leave his wife for her and the more malicious might tip off the husband/wife. In the case above, the guy's secretary informed his wife, as she hated her boss!

I don't know what happened to either of them as shortly after the company restructured and the woman was let go. He left after 3 months later.

I think you have to be an idiot of a certain type of person to have an affair at work as you risk jeopardising everything, most of all your professional standing.

WHY come here if you really want helpful advice?

The op never wanted advice, she just wanted someone to know of her dirty intentions as part of the ‘naughtiness’ of it all. She’d carry it on from informing us of the affair, eventually she’ll start another thread about how new man is blowing hot and cold, or her husband found out and why can’t he and the kids just not understand that love just happens 🥺, sometimes you just can’t help yourself right 🥺🥺, all the anger in the world won’t stand in their way because it was meant to beeee 🥹.

Some of you come across as unhinged.

OP it's likely he'd shag a scabby horse. These men do. You're not special to him just another willing participant in a sleazy physical relationship.

Grow up, divorce your husband, heal from not feeling wanted, from being abused and then enter into a healthy relationship which doesn't involve hurting other.

Then why don’t you both divorce your spouses? Neither of you are happy in your marriages so instead

Sent too soon. Instead of having an affair you could both just have a relationship, out in the open.

It does sound as if you need to leave your abusive husband (my sympathies go to you, genuinely) but honestly, leave the innocent woman’s husband out of it. Don’t be that person. He probably won’t leave her, and if he does, wouldyou really want him?

Crack on and enjoy yourself.

Ruining innocent lives.

Hang on a second. At the beginning, you said that you were having great sex with your partner as a result of your friendship with a smile. You also said things were a bit stale.

Now you are saying that your husband is really abusive, emotionally. Why didn't you mention that before as it sounds to me as though you are now trying to justify things.

You were always going to have an affair, and you were never going to leave your job. Pretty pointless thread, you got what you hoped for. I'm afraid it will all come crashing down though.

You’re doing exactly what you were always going to do and you knew it and did nothing to stop it. You pretended you could trust yourself. Unfortunately your husband couldn’t.

This ^

i hope you grab your new-found self worth with both hands @Elemento and find a genuinely happy situation - with or without a man.

Fucking hell, OP. As someone whose marriage and family has just been devastated by finding out my husband was having an affair with a work colleague, this thread is hard to read. Just stop the affair now and either leave your husband or try to work on things with him. If you want to see how it feels from the other side, just read my thread in Relationships.

Obviously I mean your relationship with this man.

It’s obviously bullshit. She wants to make herself out to be a lonely and abused wife stuck in a dead marriage, but she forgot she already told us otherwise.

It’s when things turn nasty right? At this point, you’re both happy with where things are but as soon as the tide turns, one of you will turn against the idea. No matter how good the sex is, no one wants to risk their reputation or marriage for a colleague. It will be a sink or swim moment

Seeing as this thread has popped up again - how's it going @Elemento ?

How are you @Elemento

I had a huge crush once on a coleague and now years later I understood that the only reason for my crush was that my marriage was not happy and I tried to distract myself by thinking of anything else other that fixing my marriage issues or husband.
Crushes through the years made my abusive marriage easier to tolerate and now I am getting a divorce.
Now being alone and a bit happier I have stopped having crushes.
Are you truly happy in your marriage ?
Disclaimer crushes can happen even in happy healthy relationships if that is the case here.