Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

[Elemento]

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

Aye. Hoping it’s not for real as the op has disappeared after dropping that one in but if it is, it was obviously what she wanted from the start.

Sorry but why does "limerance" have to get brought up any time a woman has sexual feelings that are not towards her husband/partner on Mumsnet? It's tedious and actually really sexist to frame women's sexuality as "limerance". Men's wanting to shag randomers doesn't get knowingly chalked up as "limerance", does it? Ask yourself why. 😑

Don't you dare have the audacity to act shocked at your own behaviour OP - "what the fuck am i doing?"

You know full well what you're doing.

The posters on this thread could have written the script.

The fact you came back to tell us and the tone of your update is disgusting.

You're proud of yourself. And its gross.

This doesn't happen by accident, you have full control of yourself and your actions. So own them and grow up.

You obviously haven’t read the OP’s update. She’s having a full blown affair with this man.

Riiiiight.

Firstly - am gonna report the thread to confirm it's a genuine poster.

Secondly - IF it's real: yikes. Time to tell your husband and deal with the fallout. Honesty is all you have now. PPs are coming in hard with the abuse, mostly fair, but sometimes this happens. You massively f**ked up, but don't do anything stupid out of guilt. You can still 'do the right thing' after doing the very wrong thing.

Stop the affair immediately. Tell your DH. Adult.

Yes!! Thank you. I always wondered why that sentence annoys me so much, and you've hit the nail on the head here. I managed to both dismiss and pathologise women's romantic and sexual feelings all in one swoop. I have had feelings that I consider to be real love, and feelings that I consider crushes described as limerance and it really irks.

It manages ** that should say...... Oh for an edit button.

Why would you even do that? You're just creating extra work for MN for no good reason. Do you really struggle to believe that women have affairs or something? What a bizarre reaction to report it 'to confirm it's a genuine poster' 🙄

Yeah Limerence is tedious every poster crushing is premenopausal and limerent and everyone is also a narc 🙄🙄🙄

Blowing your life up in slow motion. This will wreck your marriage and your career

Ruining your marriage, being an absolute prick to your poor husband and kids!

Seeing your children every other week is going to be very hard. Even if it "works out" with this other guy that is a cheat and you have nothing in common with, his and your children and spouses will hate you both.

Are you new here? Aibu is Troll Central, many posts are looked on with suspicion. MNHQ would much rather genuine threads be reported than endless pages of ‘I don’t believe this’ totally derailing a thread. There is more than enough here to raise suspicions about hairy hands - over detailed, fantasy situation, affair goading, perversion, op doing a runner after dropping a bombshell. All troll 101 behaviour.

Yeah for some reason this just doesn't seem real to me. The escalation was far too quick.

I believe it. She seems totally delighted that he feels the same way.

Eh? Too quick? It’s been nearly two months since the original post. Perfectly plausible.

The thread can be reported the Mumsnet but they will confirm I am a genuine poster who has posted under other usernames prior to the first post and between then and my update.

I feel completely swept away by this man, however cheesy it sounds. I haven't told anyone in real life, they would all think exactly the same as you all do, as I would do if I was reading this from the other side. He's making me feel more wanted and appreciated than I have done in a very long time. I know know KNOW it's absolutely morally reprehensible. I know it will end in tears, either I want more and he doesn't, he wants more and I don't, our spouses find out...

I know I need to shake myself and say "Elemento, what the fuck are you doing?!" but I'm actually happy for the first time in a long term. Yes I know, I don't deserve happiness from this. The affect this is having on me:

1 - my husband verbally abuses me, incredibly nasty things, and I believe him. I go to bed in tears. I am now deaf to this, it's him not me, and I haven't gone to bed crying like I usually do.
2 - I actually feel worthwhile, like someone could actually love me for who I am
3 - my confidence has increased so much, I feel I am the person I am supposed to be, colleagues have noticed I am a different person
4 - I emotional eat, I am an absolute pig when my mental health is low - but all of that has stopped, I am in a good place

I know we are being despicable. I just need an outlet to say how good it's actually for me, however wrong that is.

And to those saying it's going to cost me, him or both of us our jobs? Please explain how... I've read our policy and it's not prohibited. It says we need to declare it if it could cause a conflict of interest. I might be totally thick, but I'm not sure being with someone who is the same level as me is a conflict of interest... And even if it is, how it would result in one or both of us losing our jobs?

Its not your affair that's causing all those positive changes. Its an increase in self esteem.
You are now seeing yourself as someone desirable, worthwhile, who deserves care, and doesn't have to put up with poor treatment. All of which is great, but because its been generated by the interest of another man, who could withdraw that at any time, it's a house of cards.
The affair is serving to show you who you could be if you had higher self esteem, so its useful in that. However having self esteem riding on this man's interest in you, is highly dangerous and the fall if /when it ends, could take you further down than you were in the first place.
You'd be far better looking for healthy genuine ways to feel good about yourself than the whim of a cheating man.

Blah blah blah, my husband is mean, I feel good, living on cloud 9. What do you want @Elemento seriously? Because it seems all you’ve actually wanted from your first post to now is just for one person to justify your want of an affair. It’s not going to happen and now you’re actually doing then nothing you say is going not make you the ‘bad guy’ in this. Why are you doing it anyway, are you hoping to hurt your husband? Hope that the other man will fall madly in love with you and take you away to a new life? What’s the end game here exactly, because I promise you the only way you’re going to find any positive out of it all is to completely turn off your feelings to how others will react when they find out. If you can ignore the absolute heartbreak from your spouses and kids, the utter disgust from those who know you, then you’ll be fine. I’m not sure that’s the person I’d ever want to be though, so emotionally selfish that I can’t see beyond my own sexual and emotional wants.

Divorce your husband. it's clear neither of you are getting anything from the relationship.

Your work colleagues will have noticed. 100%. People aren't stupid. We had two managers carrying on with each other at my old job and we used to sit there eye rolling whilst they exchanged "secret" glances and texting each other in the same room before looking at each other and smiling. It was painfully embarrassing and cringy to those observing.

I'm glad you're feeling better, but at least have some dignity respect for the children and partners who will be tangled up in this mess.

All the posters who are saying that you've messed up the marriages, children, etc. Seem to forget there's a man walking around getting his end away who's also contributed to this. You're both as bad as each other. He's not some poor vulnerable man who's been led astray by a husband stealing woman. They're both wrong

you owe it to your husband to end your relationship before you start a new one.

that’s all I’m saying. However bad he is, don’t deceive him.

How can you do this to your children, seriously?

You need to put them first, not your fancy man.

Tell your DH the truth and either try and work on the marriage, or end it officially.

What you are doing is so deceitful.

I genuinely don’t know how you can look in the faces of your children whilst you are being so selfish?

How can you look at them, as the person they trust most in the world, whilst knowing that your lies and actions are going to blow their world apart?