Fancy a colleague. Do I leave my job?

[Elemento]

I've changed my name for this, but I'm a regular poster & don't want this linking to my other posts.

So... I fancy the pants off my colleague. He is the person I work most closest with in the whole organisation. We have a laugh and a joke, but also can produce some brilliant work. We are the same level as each other, and our manager has told each of us she's pleased with how well we work together, that our skills compliment each other and it's great to see us learning from one another.

He is married with children. So am I. Nothing is going to happen, I know it's a crush. I am not sure if he feels the same way. He's not my type in looks, and we've not got a great deal in common.

I spend more time with him than I do my own spouse. We talk (well grumble!) about our own relationships & there's been the odd mention of our own sex lives. We playfully nudge each other. We tease each other. I recently had my appraisal with our manager, he asked how it went, and I told him I his name was mentioned, his face lit up when he asked why, and I explained that our manager was pleased with how well we got on.

I've sometimes come home after having a particularly lovely day with him (some days I fancy him more than others) and had good sex with my spouse. I've had more sex with my spouse recently, because I'm feeling more turned off after spending time with my colleague.

So. I am now pondering, do I look elsewhere for a job? I love what I do, I am good at it. There's a lot in the organisation that I'm working towards changing, and my colleague is instrumental in helping me make this happen. I have lovely colleagues who I care for and who care for me. I don't want to leave. But these feelings are, well, driving me wild.

I've been feeling like this over a year, and it's getting worse, we are getting closer (we now need to work closer than we did a year ago) and I can't see how this feeling will pass.

Apologies for the long post ... TL;DR - I fancy my colleague and it's getting worse.

So please, power of Mumsnet. What do I do? How do I get over him? Or is it time to look for another job?

I like Jason Momoa type tattoos. His are related to his favourite football team.

I am fairly academic and quickly rose the ranks at work, whereas he's taken a long time to get where he is, we do have conversations and debates, but these aren't the same as I'd have with my husband. His interests are completely different to mine, whereas my husband's aren't the same to me but we've got much more in common.

I think the attraction is he pays me attention, and it's escapism. He needs to get rid of the twinkle in his eye and then I think I'll be okay haha!

Thank you. Much better to work with someone you have a spark with than it being a chore. He and our manager have said as much, there was no co-working with the person who previously did my job. I need to cut myself some slack and tell myself these feelings are good for our productivity and organisation as a whole 😉

I could have written this as in a similar situation. I feel it's fun, makes the day go faster and not harming anyone.

UPDATE: a group of colleagues ended up going out for a bite to eat and a couple of drinks. I ended up taking him back in my car. We ended up chatting, the chatting turned in to innuendos. The next day at work, we kept smiling at each other. That night we messaged each other and the innuendos became blatant sexting. We both said how much we fancied each other, and ended up sleeping together. We now are having a full blown affair. What the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck are you doing? Being a colossal dick by the sounds of it. You knew you were heading for an affair for going through this thread, you evidently didn’t want to stop it happening. What do you think anyone is going to say about this update? ‘Oh you’re obviously star crossed lovers? You can’t help who you fall for?’.

You're horribly selfish people who have put your own sexual gratification ahead of your spouses and children. Now the line has been crossed the consequences will be yours to reap. Your poor families that’s all I’ll say.

This. You’re both despicable.

You deserve everything that’s coming to you. The fact you were well aware of where this was going, yet chose not to put a stop to it, is despicable. You’re jeopardising your job, your family and your reputation here, and you’re going to massively struggle to pull this back. You’re fucked, really.

Wow, that was an update I wasn’t expecting.

I don’t mean that sarcastically by the way. I really thought you weren’t going down that path.

You think that this is some Burton-Taylor thing but really, it’s rather seedy and your colleagues are probably sniggering about it or feeling sorry for your children.

I understand. I’ve been in a similar position although it didn’t get that far and he had no children.

It’s not too late to reign it in. And to work on your marriage if you feel that it’s salvageable. Or separate amicably if it’s truly moribund.

That escalated from I can control myself... 😳

Oh dear.

An update that shows when you play with fire, and everyone tells you it’s a bad idea, but you carry on, then the thing that every knew would happen actually happens.

you missed your chance to be a decent person because you didn’t want to stop. You’ll get very little sympathy now, or when it inevitably blows up and wrecks not just your life but a couple of other peoples too

Can't you just enjoy getting on well with someone at work without it needing to lead to anything?

Surely there will be dozens of people we are attracted to and may be attracted to us in everyday life but when you are committed to someone else you put up boundaries so that nothing happens?

Thought you had it all under control op? Thought you were able to prevent this from happening with your apparent iron will?

Congratulations you have now blown up your entire life, your job , his job and the lives of your husband and children and his wife and children because you couldn't keep your knickers on. Despite everyone telling you this is the way this was going to go if you didn't get a grip on yourself and behave like a decent human being. Bravo. Be proud. You lived up to everyone's evaluation of your poor character spectacularly.

Not sure if this is thread,bin particular the update, is complete BS. Some people are complete fantasists.

How embarrassingly predictable.

Your colleagues all know, btw. You shagged the married man with the bad tattoos.

How sobering.

OP, you probably need to end your marriage if you can't stay away from him.

If this is real, then you are an idiot 😂

Uh oh. Maybe just get it out of your system, make sure no one ever finds out and get back to normal as soon as you can.

Sometimes these things happen. It doesn't have to mean that you destroy your marriage or his, just keep it out of the workplace.

Was it worth it?

Now tell your DH!

Hopefully he runs and never looks back. This time next year I hope he's happy with someone else and your single lusting for a man who is married.

Not sure why you even bothered with the original post when you knew exactly what you were doing and were trying to get sympathy from us as the unappreciated wife in a loveless marriage.

PP put it perfectly when she simply called you both despicable.

I thought that but it's unusual for trolls to set it up then come back 2 months later.

In the offchance it's real - you have kids. Pack it in. One of you needs to leave and then you need to decide if you want a divorce, because you are clearly not happy.

Yeah, something about this thread and the latest update in particular doesn't ring true.

He and his wife could be feeling exactly the same. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong it just means real life is not a romance movie. If you were married to this man you’d probably both be feeling just as stale as you do now. As another pp said you don’t have to think about bills or kids or whose turn it is to cook/wash up etc when you’re with him. Don’t destroy two families for a teenage style crush.