To leave DH because I want to socialise more

[MTM2255]

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

Literally why would he call your friends cunts? There are a few friends of DH's I don't like and I may moan about them a bit, but not like that! More sort of "gosh, does your friend ever stop boasting about her children?" And I still go out with him to see his friends. ( though sometimes I need a lie down later).

This is what I mean. He ALLOWS you to go out. Like he's your fucking keeper and you must obey him. And then you are spoiled because you even want to. How long before he wears you down so you decide going out isn't worth the rows with him? This is just the start.

He's also gaslighting you to make you think you are a terrible person in forcing him to socialise with people he has decided are c*nts. If he thinks that of your friends, what does he think about your family and you?

Honestly, why on earth would you want to stay married to someone who holds the people you love in such contempt?

I guess I'm questioning it because I know there are some relationships (albeit abusive) where the partner isolates them from the friends/family and causes issues when she/he sees them until they wear them down

DH never causes issues about me seeing my friends alone/going out/away weekend etc.

In fact my DC cause more.of an issue me going out 🤣 because HE never goes out and I do, and I'm their favourite, they get the hump when I go out.

Name calling my friends aside (which I think is a deflection tactic away from his social abnormalities) shouldn't I be grateful that I have the freedom to see them whenever ?

Am I selfish for wanting more?

Eh I see my friends whenever I want to. I am a lot more social than DH and go out more. I go on trips away too.

What freedom? It's not his job to allow you to do anything.

Is it my job to tell him what to do when he doesn't want to tho

I think if you are married, you compromise. I don't expect DH to come with me for everything. But recently my sister, BIL and niece visited for 10 days. I took some annual leave and went out with them nearly every day or after work, and Dh came out with us for a weekend trip, and once in the week.

Similarly he attends important weddings, comes out with my mum to lunch, comes out with my friends if he is not too busy at work, and so on. I don't expect him to accept every invite , but say one or two in four? If friends came over, of course he would come down and greet them! He's not 14. My house isn't set up for entertaining, so we don't any more. Plus we are in our 50s and knackered. But I used to host book clubs back in the day, and he would always put in an appearance to hand around nibbles and be pleasant.

I'm like your DH and my partners like you. We compromise, so I will join him but limit the time out, he will take note if I start to get quieter (social battery draining) then make a thing to leave.

We do social times sometimes at a restaurant, it's not a long night and over a meal the social aspect doesn't feel as intense.

Name calling my friends aside (which I think is a deflection tactic away from his social abnormalities) shouldn't I be grateful that I have the freedom to see them whenever ?

Only because right now, in his words, he ALLOWS you to see them.

I couldn't deal with this, I would have left years ago.

MN is full of very socially anxious people, so the replies you get will be biased. But it is not normal to never go anywhere, never have any friends, never do anything with your partner, just rot inside the house. It would give me the ick too.

"Allows you".🙄

Clearly you are desperate to yourself around.

Fair enough.

He is an ugly controlling man who will only get worse.

He is determined to to control the home and who enters and will as the years go on shrink your life.

But it is your choice to accept that and carry on.

I agree.

I think forums in general attract people with social problems. Agree this level of isolation isn't normal or healthy. It would be different if he were seeking support for this and acknowledging the situation as abnormal.

He may "allow" you to see your "cunt" friends whenever you want but don't you worry his behaviour could escalate?

Also with family you have to make some effort unless they are abusive. DH's parents can be annoying, his brother can be too, but I suck it up for a short visit. I have strategies like retreating to my room or going for walks if they annoy me.

People are fixated on his “introversion” and “social anxiety” but this is a complete red herring.

It’s true as @CatfoodOzymandias points out that a lot of people on here can be quite militant on behalf of socially anxious people that they have the right to withdraw from society. And I think this is skewing people’s perspective here.

This is not a shy or introverted or anxious man who struggles with social anxiety. This is a nasty, controlling arsehole who is trying to separate his wife from her support network.

I am open mouthed that we have had people on here saying he should be left to his own devices and not expected to socialise. This isn’t what he’s about. He is negging and bullying his wife and trying to diminish her life. Let’s please call this as it is and stop with the bullshit about him being an introvert.

Yeah, introverted people don't call other people cunts.

The bible says you should obey your husband and that he is the head of the house. When you signed up to marriage did you change the rules?

This is a whole other thread, but it sounds like you got married without reading what marriage means. Neither of you. If you are struggling to understand the terms of your arrangement you need to speak with your local priest. You entered a religious based legally binding agreement that has a rule book called the bible.

I'm not a bible botherer. I had a look at it and didn't like what I was reading. We have chosen not to get married. We both have maintained our financial independence. We are free to be united without the expense of marriage and we are free to leave without the expense of divorce. We have got insurances out so that if either of us die before our dependents are adults we will be financially secure. Our relationship is based on respect, either of us is free to leave at any time and that leads to each of us knowing boundaries can't be selfishly pushed by one or the other. We will probably get civil partnered when it becomes financially necessary, but we will most definitely get the terms of our civil partnership clear beforehand.

Love is blind and it appears you've both gone into marriage blindfolded.

I'm sorry you are having these problems and you have got some difficult decisions ahead. I hope you find a way forward and have a good life ahead of you both.

WTF? Who cares what the Bible says?And why would you assume she is Christian?

@Peopledrivemenuts

The bible says you should obey your husband and that he is the head of the house. When you signed up to marriage did you change the rules

I don’t think anyone other than a small handful of evangelical Christians has signed up to this nonsense about “obeying” your husband for about four decades.

What on earth has this to do with the OP’s situation?

Sorry, I will rephase... whatever religious based legal agreement you entered into they will be a scripture that explains expectations of the man and wife. People can also seek guidance from their place of worship respresentative.

It's not a WTF thing. If you get married you are entering a religious based agreement. Other options exist other than marriage.

Many religious texts state the the wife must obey her husband. I don't want to derail the thread. I think if anyone wants to discuss it they can start a new thread about marriage and the meaning of it.

Nope. Marriage doesn't have to be a religious based legal agreement any more. I didn't enter into any such.

Ok OP, what marriage did you enter into?

He sounds like an insufferable boorish uncompromising prick

Obey my husband?

Pah! I dont think so

In my first marriage I attended many social events without my exh. He wasn’t very sociable and not interested in other people.
In my present marriage, we socialise together
(as well as independently)and I appreciate it so much. It makes me feel closer to him. He’s interested in getting to know my friends and their partners.
There’s an element of validation, I think. If your husband isn’t interested in the people in your life, is he really that interested in you?