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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 20:32

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 17/06/2023 16:55

Can you have people over, for example for book clubs and the other things you want to do, whilst he is at work?

Show quote history

Yes and I tend to do my socialising while he is at work. Which works well for most of my needs, but it's the literally odd occasion with friends that's the issue

He used to be rubbish with my family but he's getting a bit better

We had counselling nearly a year ago and I was ready to walk

I literally had in my head that I have my life journey and he either keeps up or he doesn't

I can't live such a small existence

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 20:35

Borris · 17/06/2023 15:49

Hopefully he can agree to you throwing 2 or 3 social events at your house per year. And you can agree to not dragging him to other events?

This is what I am going to suggest tonight when we talk 2 or 3 events a year where I would expect him to socialise with me + others....

Wish me luck

OP posts:
boringlady · 17/06/2023 20:39

Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2023 20:43

Something has got to give, op. Raising your kids in such a dysfunctional environment is going to cause a lot of damage. Stop looking for permission to leave him. You don't need it, you have very good reasons for needing your marriage to end.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2023 20:44

I have to add, just wanting 2 or 3 times a year is in no way enough. You are still going to be miserable.

Iknowthis1 · 17/06/2023 20:52

Introverts do socialise. They just prefer one to one or smaller groups. They have friends. Your husband might be an introvert but there something else going on too.

Ponderingwindow · 17/06/2023 21:08

If you leave him, you will still be socializing alone. You won’t have accomplished anything and you have broken up your family.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 21:09

Well that conversation went down like a lead balloon

I honestly tried so hard to be calm and open and honest and tried to explained my feelings and also explored how I think he must feel too

I was met with basically aggression, "your friends are idiots.... Your friends are cunts.... "

"Why would I want to spend my free time cooking a BBQ and making small talk with people I have nothing in common with".... On this note I said u have never met the groom of this wedding....how do u know u have nothing in common with him.. how can u possibly pass judgement until u have met someone...his answer was that he doesn't like my friend (the bride ) very much and if he is marrying her then he must not have anything in common

He keeps going back to that he never stops me seeing my friends and I can see them whenever I want.

OP posts:
Spareus · 18/06/2023 06:51

I’m so sorry @MTM2255 I think you know where you need to go from here - be happy xx

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/06/2023 06:52

OP your last post confirms this. He called your friends “cunts”.

This has Jack all to do with introversion. It has to do with him wanting to limit your world and control you.

You need to leave.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2023 07:03

This sounds like him being deliberately controlling OP

Original poster
MTM2255 · 18/06/2023 07:41

I don't see it as controlling as he says I can see my friends whenever I want, he will take care of the kids etc... But "stop forcing me to see your friends"

It's really difficult 😔

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2023 08:24

Is it making you doubt your judgement of your friends characters though, it all sounds very manipulative to me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/06/2023 08:31

Maybe controlling is the wrong word. But he is calling your friends “cunts”.

Think about that for a second. Let it sink in. He is giving a horrible, aggressive, misogynistic insult to people you love and want to spend time with.

What does that say about how he sees you? What signals does that send to your kids about the way he perceives you? Can you imagine spending your life squaring a circle in which the person who is supposed to love you most thinks that all the other people in your life are “cunts”?

I am astonished that people keep suggesting that this is something you need to accommodate.

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/06/2023 08:33

I have an introvert/autistic husband. He has barely any friends and he is rubbish at staying in contact, out of sight, out of mind.

He never goes out on his own.

But when I suggest going places or doing things, he is very enthusiastic and I can count on one hand him saying no to an idea I've had!

Things like, all night rave in the forest during lockdown (just the 2 of us and a speaker), going raving (he never did it before meeting me)
Camping (we now have a caravan), going to coffee shops (we love the £1 Costa deal from three!) Cosplaying at conventions. You name it, he is always up for it!

The point to my somewhat gloating post is that I think you SHOULD dump your husband and live it up.

My ex argued about every idea I had, every trip, every fun plan. I couldn't even drag him on a family holiday without major arguments.

My now husband is shy yes. But he absolutely loves the adventures we go on. That is the relationship YOU deserve op! (And there is something magical about doing something with someone and it being their first time doing it)

billy1966 · 18/06/2023 08:37

MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 21:09

Well that conversation went down like a lead balloon

I honestly tried so hard to be calm and open and honest and tried to explained my feelings and also explored how I think he must feel too

I was met with basically aggression, "your friends are idiots.... Your friends are cunts.... "

"Why would I want to spend my free time cooking a BBQ and making small talk with people I have nothing in common with".... On this note I said u have never met the groom of this wedding....how do u know u have nothing in common with him.. how can u possibly pass judgement until u have met someone...his answer was that he doesn't like my friend (the bride ) very much and if he is marrying her then he must not have anything in common

He keeps going back to that he never stops me seeing my friends and I can see them whenever I want.

He sounds awful.

What disgusting language to use to describe your friends.

He is controlling.

He refuses to allow you have visitors to your home.

This is not normal.

Have a think because he really sounds awful.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2023 08:41

How does he justify such strong language? Have these friends of yours actually done anything to him?

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/06/2023 08:43

OP should have a life partner who shares her enthusiasm for living life to the fullest!

autieawesome · 18/06/2023 08:58

I don't think it's reasonable to force him to social because you want to. It is reasonable to use your house to socialise although he shouldn't have to attend.

VeryLargeRadish · 18/06/2023 09:06

What a pompous arse. If he thinks you're the kind of person that only has idiots for friends how does he really view you?! Why doesn't he think you and your happiness isn't worth putting himself in social situations like he did before marriage?

You are allowed to want a fulfilling life.

BookLover7777 · 18/06/2023 09:14

MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 21:09

Well that conversation went down like a lead balloon

I honestly tried so hard to be calm and open and honest and tried to explained my feelings and also explored how I think he must feel too

I was met with basically aggression, "your friends are idiots.... Your friends are cunts.... "

"Why would I want to spend my free time cooking a BBQ and making small talk with people I have nothing in common with".... On this note I said u have never met the groom of this wedding....how do u know u have nothing in common with him.. how can u possibly pass judgement until u have met someone...his answer was that he doesn't like my friend (the bride ) very much and if he is marrying her then he must not have anything in common

He keeps going back to that he never stops me seeing my friends and I can see them whenever I want.

Well, there's your answer. It's nothing to do with him not wanting to socialise but everything to do with him wanting you isolate you and your DC from everyone who loves them. It's controlling and abusive and I can say it with certainty because my sister is in a relationship like this. When we were younger she was life and soul of the party, always out, loads of friends, loved socialising. Then she met her partner.

He hated her friends and the fact she was close to me and our parents and wanted him just for herself. She would go out still when they first met but eventually her world got smaller and smaller because people just pulled away. Now, thirty years on from them meeting, she has one friend she sees every few months if that. She sees my parents once a year and I see her once maybe every four years. Her life is going to work then going home to him, rinse and repeat. They don't have kids, thankfully.

Right now, your DH is letting you see your friends. LETTING you. Think on that and think about what this will do to your DC if you let it continue, then get the fuck out of there. Don't be my sister, who has less than half a life.

BookLover7777 · 18/06/2023 09:15

Sorry, I mean wanted her just for himself. Blame the upset typing. My sister's life has been ruined by this man. Don't let yours be.

CatfoodOzymandias · 18/06/2023 09:17

My god he is horrible! My Dh is very introverted. But he will socialise with me for family events, certainly more than 3 or 4 a year, will attend important weddings, come out with me to see plays and gigs. Admittedly I don't have people over because I don't like entertaining at home.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 18/06/2023 09:19

He's calling me spoilt.... Because he allows me to go out and see my friends whenever I want to... Stop forcing me to see your friends

I'm seriously questioning my judgement

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 18/06/2023 09:27

MTM2255 · 18/06/2023 09:19

He's calling me spoilt.... Because he allows me to go out and see my friends whenever I want to... Stop forcing me to see your friends

I'm seriously questioning my judgement

Stop questioning yourself OP. Your instincts are screaming at you that this is not right. They are correct. Listen to them. You know you can’t spend the rest of your life with someone who has so little respect for you.