To leave DH because I want to socialise more

[MTM2255]

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

This is what worries me for DC

I know this may not go down well, but could he read a few books like The Art of Conversation or How to talk to Anybody?

If he can't cope with talking to people after having been educated on how to then he really isn't willing to put the effort into any uncomfortable situations for yoir sake.

It seems to have sufficated you social life by default of being with him. I don't think that is acceptable.

It doesn't help that we both work shifts and 99% of the time the shifts are complete opposite... So quality time.together is also short

He would argue that he hasn't suffocated my social life tho as he doesn't mind me going out

I think it also helps children to see the adults in their life model social skills.

I agree with you that him not allowing her to invite friends round is limiting and if he doesn't like visitors he should allow her to do as she wishes in her own home and go out if having people in the house makes him anxious.

We see this very differently, but it doesn't matter how we see it does it?
It's how the OP sees it. She and her OP are very different and always have been. Having young children has masked the difference and it's coming to the fore again now.

That's not what I've said at all. I am trying to say that the OP wants to go back to socialising as she did before their children arrived and not only that but she wants her husband, who has never been sociable, to want that too.

For him the idea of socialising is and always has been a strange concept.

I think you need to lay down some rules and be blunt about the fact this is permanently damaging your relationship to breaking point. I totally get that he doesn’t want to go to parties etc but his refusal to do anything sociable no matter how low level is extreme. I left a bf for the opposite reason (too sociable, it was never ending and I am more an introvert), it’s a valid reason for a relationship to break. Unfortunately as there are children in the mix it does make it more complex. He really needs to agree to some compromises to keep his marriage intact.

Qoute the bible to him since he went into a marriage....

A key verse in Ephesians 5 deals with a husband's responsibility to dispel loneliness in his home

he signed up to marriage he signed up to that. * *

Hmm. I think he's got to the point now where he's bordering on controlling, the op should be able to freely invite someone into her home. If he has social anxiety, he needs to seek therapy. Four or five events per yr isn't a lot.
He should be dating his wife regularly and taking his family out.

On the broader point of friends and family of the other, I certainly know from experience some of my exes' friends and family could be described as marmite, and that's being kind.😂
I'm very sociable however I do have friendships that span 40-50 yrs, and they're my benchmark, those friendships are built on solid foundations and we understand each other.

I have to say that would be a dealbreaker for me. My dh and I are really socialable which would cause arguments when kids were younger as we would be fighting over who got to go out!

I think you will really feel it when kids get older. Our eldest is old enough to babysit now so we go out most weekends or have people over. I wouldn't have felt it as much when they were younger but it would be very hard for me now if dh wasn't the same as me

Does he enjoy himself when he does go out? Like is it the thoughts of it more than the event itself?

I said to him yesterday that we need to talk about this and I said we will talk about it tonight

I don't want him on complete wavelength as me as that BU

I just want a compromise

I'll happily fulfil most of my needs alone

But I would like occasionally to not have to do everything social alone

My husband doesn't really care for social events, although the difference is he will always come to family events or stuff with the kids without complaint, even though I know he'd rather not! But he accepts that's what you have to do when part of a family sometimes.

The fact he isn't willing to put himself out for special occasions would be the dealbreaker for me, not that he wasn't much of a socialiser generally as I'm not really into couples events or don't really have any desire to go out 'together' for evenings out with others - I have my friends and go out with them/do stuff whenever I want and he will always be happy for me to do so and happy to stay home with the kids. We do stuff together and as a family too of course.

But part of being a family is sometimes sucking up the stuff we don't like and getting on with it when it's important. My husband is currently blowing up balloons and power washing chairs in the garden for our DD's first birthday party. We have a lot of people coming round, it's out of his comfort zone and I doubt he's looking forward to it, but it's a thing for our family so he does it without complaining about it.

Maybe make a list of the type of events you feel he should attend so it stays focused on what is important. His acceptance that sometimes (just sometimes) you want to entertain at home, again you can underline which of these he should attend (at least for part of the time) as not all will require his attendance. Hopefully you can both come to an agreeable compromise. 🤞Good luck!

@MTM2255 yes usually just female friends or family, where obviously partners are involved.

This is completely reasonable OP.

It’s fine that he’s not a social animal and prefers time at home. Many many people are like this. You clearly are not needy and perfectly happy to socialise on your own, which is great.

But it isn’t reasonable of him to make you feel uncomfortable about having people over in your joint home. It’s not reasonable for him to refuse point blank to attend significant events such as weddings or to refuse to do anything outside with his wife and children. And it’s absolutely awful that he is modelling this to his children as acceptable behaviour.

I think you will get a sense from his reaction as to whether he can meet you halfway here. If he shows he can understand the impact this is having on you and demonstrates some willingness to compromise you may have a future.

Otherwise I think it’s game over, it’s no way for you and your family to live.

Agreed.

Good luck, OP. I hope he feels able to compromise. If not, I think you're right to want to end things and make a life for yourself elsewhere.

If you break up with him, you will forever be socializing without him.

I personally couldn't and wouldn't break up my family - with 2 kids, because my husband didn't want to go our drinking or partying.

The OP will be able to host parties and dinners in her own house without her husband sulking. She will be able to have a friend round for a cup of tea without her husband sulking. She will be able to look forward to family weddings and parties without having to coax him into going -- she might even form a new relationship in which (gasp!) the other person actually looked forward to these events.

My DH is like this. I guess I've just accepted a more lonely life because I'm much more sociable ,but get a bit anxious about nobody wanting to hang out, so I tend not to ask. I relied a bit on more confident previous partners, so it's more of a both sides issue for us.

Hopefully he can agree to you throwing 2 or 3 social events at your house per year. And you can agree to not dragging him to other events?

@RoomOfRequirement

If you break up with him, you will forever be socializing without him.

I personally couldn't and wouldn't break up my family - with 2 kids, because my husband didn't want to go our drinking or partying.

But it's not about "drinking or partying". It's about limiting his and his family's world in so many ways. It presumably doesn't stop at "drinking and partying" it means he doesn't have any hobbies, doesn't want to go on family outings, doesn't want to go to the cinema or a museum or art gallery or a sporting event or the theatre or the park. And not only this but he wants his wife and kids not to do this either.

He may be technically correct in that he doesn't actually stop her going out but his whole state of mind says: at says "I don't want to leave the house ever, I want to live in a small world without outside influences or anything interesting or noteworthy in my life. And I want my wife and kids to live this way too because they are basically my belongings. So I will sulk if they ever try to overreach this mean, miserable little life." So the OP has to do everything in her life on her own, or sit in the house all day. What's the point of being married to a man like this?

I was married to a man like this and it was an absolutely miserable existence and it's a shit way to bring children up. It's a deliberate attempt to close down your family's world and limit their existence. I got out and I am still thankful on a daily basis that I got out.

I'm quite shocked that so many people think this is normal and justified behaviour.

Can you have people over, for example for book clubs and the other things you want to do, whilst he is at work?

OP,

You are completely mismatched.

He sounds very controlling and wants everything his own way.

It will only get worse as he ages and as your children age, they too will realise they shouldn't bring friends home.

Not everybody likes to socialise a lot and that is their bag, but you do and to know that he refuses to "allow" it and makes friends and family feel unwelcome is a complete deal breaker.

This doesn't have to be your life.

YANBU.

Time to lay it out to him, you made a mistake, you are completely mismatched, best to separate.

Having more children will just make it harder.

Get out now and plan on co parenting well together.