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Original poster

I think I annoyed my SIL

176 replies

bly · 15/06/2023 18:58

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

OP posts:
GeekyThings · 15/06/2023 19:06

I'm not sure about shutting up, but did you start with the whole things will get better stuff, or did you say something to commiserate too, like oh no, that must be so hard, how awful?

I find the positive stuff only works in that kind of conversation if you've acknowledged how tough it is for the person first. If you don't it can sound more like a dismissal rather than sympathy.

It's hard to tell without being there, but that would be my guess!

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 19:07

GeekyThings · 15/06/2023 19:06

I'm not sure about shutting up, but did you start with the whole things will get better stuff, or did you say something to commiserate too, like oh no, that must be so hard, how awful?

I find the positive stuff only works in that kind of conversation if you've acknowledged how tough it is for the person first. If you don't it can sound more like a dismissal rather than sympathy.

It's hard to tell without being there, but that would be my guess!

I can't remember exactly if I did or not

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 15/06/2023 19:09

Sometimes you just want someone else to acknowledge your feelings, or sympathise. No need to have a solution for everything. Theres a point where positivity can be toxic in if itself.

bibbityboppityboo · 15/06/2023 19:10

Sometimes I just want someone to acknowledge or even validate my feelings rather than offer solutions! I'm sure she knows it will get better, but when it's crap right now that's all pie in the sky!

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 19:10

Does she want to put the child in nursery?

GeekyThings · 15/06/2023 19:11

bly · 15/06/2023 19:07

I can't remember exactly if I did or not

Show quote history

Well, whether it was that, or just that she's so stressed, either way it sounds like she's feeling touchy about it. Probably the heat too, that's making everyone more touchy at the moment, I've noticed!

Maybe leave it for a bit, see how she is in a day or two?

TheSnowyOwl · 15/06/2023 19:13

Sounds like she just wanted some acknowledgment and understanding rather than a positive boost (and it might not be easier when older either; just different challenges).

PuffinsRocks · 15/06/2023 19:13

Do you not think she might have been stressed because she was ill and trying to parent when you're subpar with sickness is horrendous? What you said did sound dismissive and like you didn't really get why she was unhappy. She probably wanted some empathy and recognition that being suddenly thrown into parenting your children alone when ill and trying to stay on top of work is hard.

PuffinsRocks · 15/06/2023 19:15

Also maybe look up "toxic positivity".

Papernotplastic · 15/06/2023 19:15

bibbityboppityboo · 15/06/2023 19:10

Sometimes I just want someone to acknowledge or even validate my feelings rather than offer solutions! I'm sure she knows it will get better, but when it's crap right now that's all pie in the sky!

This ^

Acknowledge her feelings. It only needs, “That does sound stressful.”

BurbageBrook · 15/06/2023 19:16

She sounds very sensitive!

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 19:23

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines.

She seemed fine after. But I just think it was a bit much. I was just trying to help and say something positive.

OP posts:
WunWun · 15/06/2023 19:25

When people are relentlessly positive like that it comes off as dismissive/as if they think the other person is making a fuss about nothing.

WunWun · 15/06/2023 19:25

Jesus Christ, you sound horrible.

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 19:30

WunWun · 15/06/2023 19:25

Jesus Christ, you sound horrible.

Really ?? For saying something positive ??

OP posts:
Papernotplastic · 15/06/2023 19:30

I was just trying to help and say something positive.

Sometimes people want a pep talk or help finding a solution to a problem but often they just want a sympathetic ear. Even if they do want a pep talk or a solution, a bit of validation first wouldn’t hurt.

namechange55465 · 15/06/2023 19:30

bly · 15/06/2023 19:23

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines.

She seemed fine after. But I just think it was a bit much. I was just trying to help and say something positive.

I was sort of on your side until this.

The passive-aggressive "oh I just won't say anything next time then" is not a good look.

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 19:31

@bly she didn't want clichéd positivity. She wanted your sympathy.

Wendysfriend · 15/06/2023 19:34

I don't see anything wrong with what you said.

It sounded like you were trying to be positive and share advice on your own experience on how things will be.

In saying that, I do find many people don't like when 'you' Share experiences etc it is best all round to nod and agree with people, throwing in the the odd look of sympathy.

JenniferBarkley · 15/06/2023 19:34

bly · 15/06/2023 19:23

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines.

She seemed fine after. But I just think it was a bit much. I was just trying to help and say something positive.

I didn't think your OP was that bad, although "I'm sorry that's shit" is always likely to go down better in these situations because, let's face it, it is shit.

This is awful though. I'd be distancing myself fast from anyone who spoke to me like that.

FabFitFifties · 15/06/2023 19:34

Do you have a nanny OP? If you don't, I wonder if you were subconsciously irritated by her woes.

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 19:35

FabFitFifties · 15/06/2023 19:34

Do you have a nanny OP? If you don't, I wonder if you were subconsciously irritated by her woes.

I don't have kids yet

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 15/06/2023 19:36

bly · 15/06/2023 19:35

I don't have kids yet

Show quote history

Oh man. She is going to have So. Much. Fun when your do.

TheSnowyOwl · 15/06/2023 19:36

bly · 15/06/2023 19:23

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines.

She seemed fine after. But I just think it was a bit much. I was just trying to help and say something positive.

If you said that to her then I’m sure you have annoyed her. Do you usually struggle with social cues?

TheSnowyOwl · 15/06/2023 19:37

bly · 15/06/2023 19:35

I don't have kids yet

Show quote history

That’s pretty obvious.