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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I annoyed my SIL

176 replies

bly · 15/06/2023 18:58

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 15/06/2023 19:37

JenniferBarkley · 15/06/2023 19:36

Oh man. She is going to have So. Much. Fun when your do.

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So true, assuming she hasn’t ghosted the OP by then and has no further contact.

Lacucuracha · 15/06/2023 19:37

She was probably after childcare, OP.

Does she ever sit and let you have a moan?

LillyoftheMountain · 15/06/2023 19:41

Is she always this uptight?

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 19:42

I don't have kids yet

So you didn't even know what you were saying... kids in nursery get everything, which she will know as she has a child in nursery

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 19:43

LillyoftheMountain · 15/06/2023 19:41

Is she always this uptight?

She's stressed, unwell and worried about job security.

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 19:45

This video explains really well why we shouldn't say 'at least....' to cheer others up. It is 2 mins long and has helped me be a much better communicator!

Brené Brown on Empathy

What is the best way to ease someone's pain and suffering? In this beautifully animated RSA Short, Dr Brené Brown reminds us that we can only create a genuin...

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/06/2023 19:53

OP. It sounds like you were people pleasing, trying to jolly her along. Feeling that you had to provide some positive words.
When that didn't work - because what she really wanted was a little moan to express her worries - you got upset yourself and a bit resentful and snapped back at her.

I think that she expressed herself quite patiently - explaining what she wanted. Although that was effectively saying that she didn't want jollying along, she was communicating why and giving you an insight into what was wanted.

In my experience, people pleasing which gets turned down can make the pleaser feel resentful. You don't have to always be super helpful, thinking of solutions or trying to lift the spirits with positive comments. That's like worrying that you are doing the right thing and have to rush in to provide support. Its a bit too much and also becomes a burden to you, which is why you can resent if it they don't respond the way y out think they should. Sometimes its enough just to listen with empathy

At the same time, you do seem very worried about having annoyed/upset her and you are worried about what you've done "wrong". YOu havn't. it was a conversation where you both didn't quite meet each others requirements.
You win some, you lose some, try not to worry about it and try not to "please" so much next time. That is worrying more about doing the right thing, when sometimes people just want a friendly ear. Im sure she will be fine with you next time. She was just under the weather.

Caramelatt · 15/06/2023 19:59

I think pp meant for what you said afterwards.

Caramelatt · 15/06/2023 20:03

bly · 15/06/2023 19:23

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines.

She seemed fine after. But I just think it was a bit much. I was just trying to help and say something positive.

She was ill and didn't have someone to look after kids, her kids going to nursery in future wasn't going to help with her problem in that moment. So it was not helpful, nor it was an acknowledgement.

goldenlocks · 15/06/2023 20:08

I think you have a learning opporunity here OP if you want to take it

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

goldenlocks · 15/06/2023 20:08

I think you have a learning opporunity here OP if you want to take it

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 15/06/2023 20:27

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

So go no contact.... win win for both parties

(That's giving you the benefit of the doubt that it was "well intentioned")

Woodywoodpeckerharrison · 15/06/2023 20:28

I think your SIL sounds a bit privileged and hard work. She should count her lucky stars she can afford a nanny and not moan the minute the nanny isn't around. You were just responding in a caring way but that wasn't good enough for her either. No thanks.

Vallmo47 · 15/06/2023 20:29

The only thing you needed to say was “what time do you want me to pick them up?”

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 15/06/2023 20:29

No OP. A learning opportunity that you dismissed someone's stress / difficulty / unhappiness with empty platitudes. Effectively saying, oh well, never mind.

Then when they said that didn't help you made it all about you with passive aggressive taking of offence.

Which will also not have helped, and will have in fact made her feel worse.

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 20:29

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

So you don't care that YABU then? Nice one.

WunWun · 15/06/2023 20:29

bly · 15/06/2023 19:30

Really ?? For saying something positive ??

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No, for completely dismissing her offloading then saying "well what do you want me to say ? I should just shut up next time then"

You might as well have said "Stop moaning, I don't give a fuck about you"

WunWun · 15/06/2023 20:31

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

Wow, it gets better and better.

You sound like a genuinely unpleasant person.

Findyourneutralspace · 15/06/2023 20:36

She just wanted some empathy on her current situation. That’s all. It sounds tough for her, and she was looking for a bit of understanding.

Avondale89 · 15/06/2023 20:38

On the bright side, I doubt she'll confide in/complain to you again.

Avondale89 · 15/06/2023 20:40

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

I don't think wanting some empathy counts as being sensitive to be honest and intention is largely irrelevant here. I'm sure you didn't intend to upset her, but you did and she was honest enough to tell you so. Most people don't bother to do that and just simmer with resentment. Maybe take some time to reflect. I think you could have responded with a bit more kindness.

ChubbyMorticia · 15/06/2023 20:40

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

Wow. Yeah, can’t imagine why your SIL would have a problem with you or your family. You seem like an utter delight. 😬

Fairyliz · 15/06/2023 20:45

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

Looks like sil is not the only one who is sensitive.

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 20:45

bly · 15/06/2023 20:22

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

Show quote history

I think I am missing the 'well intentioned' bit?

You dismissed her by saying to ignore how she is feeling and focus on the future
You guilted her by saying I was only trying to be nice
Then you made yourself the victim and turned it round to you by saying you won't be nice in future

Did you say something else that you forgot to write which is the nice bit. Cos all of this is what I would expect of someone who did not have my best interests at heart and was actually out to make me feel worse

saraclara · 15/06/2023 20:49

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '.

Ouch. Now THAT was far worse than your attempt to be positive. I'd be pissed off with you for that. You empathy chip appears to be missing.

And fo the record, you don't have to shut up next time. You just express sympathy and try to unnderstand how she's feeling.