I think I annoyed my SIL

[bly]

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

Op I mean this gently - you STILL haven't acknowledged you may have been out of order. It's still her 'deficiencies' and 'other people would react that way'.... yes they would, because it wasn't due to her 'deficiency' - you clearly have form for belittling her feelings and parenting even though you're not a parent and haven't a clue.
I think it would be best for her if you did keep a distance tbh.

I was trying to say that since having read all the replies, I can see how many women would feel similarly and how it's not a character flaw she has. We just all thought she wants to hate us and will find any reason to. And that she's too sensitive, but perhaps it's not quite that way.

But that’s still not an acknowledgment that you and your mum have been out of order and wrong about things

You are still not taking responsibility for your own actions. It’s all “well I see others would act the same” not “we were wrong”.

Is this a reverse? The OP sounds very much like an immature 26 year old girl I work with. She's ND and has never had a relationship and dreams of a big white wedding and children. She's very jealous of her SIL.

No it's not and I am not jealous of my SIL and I've had relationships. Nothing like your colleague !

@Achwheesht well my mum and dad are in their 50s and 60s and think SIL is unreasonable.

But after this thread I'll talk to them about it and hope they can see her point of view a bit more.

Op, I can see that you are listening and that’s good because this is an important relationship.

when you have a baby it’s the most important thing in the world to you and it’s absolutely gruelling at times too. And when someone knows better, and undermines the things you do, it’s absolutely awful. Really it’s like stealing joy. These things you mentioned really are so tiny and irrelevant. your sil will be over the moon if you just step back and see that these little things don’t matter.

next time say, it sounds like it’s been really difficult for you this week, but you’re doing such a great job and we’re here for you. And then make her a cup of tea.

Well this has been an infuriating read!

OP You do not have kids but you're trying to tell your SIL how to parent hers. You're being extremely unreasonable, interfering and unkind. Stop listening to your dm about all the things this poor woman is doing "wrong", and start being kind, compassionate and actually listen. Unsolicited advice is just not on. Stop giving it!!

Oh come on...

OP is now listening and reflecting to a much greater degree. Give her a break.

You know the thing that would help your relationship with SIL the most? Next time your mum tries to tell her how she should do things, stick up for SIL. It doesn't have to be in an argumentative way, just "she's fine mum, it's not a problem" is a good start.

That's a good idea. I've actually done that naturally before. My mum has a habit of always commenting that clothes SIL buys for the kids are ' too small '.. I've said a couple of times when she's commented that I think they fit fine.

OP, does your mum spend a lot of time praising the things your sil does, either to her face or behind her back?

No

That was very aggressive!

Surely it’s not that hard just to say ‘That must be tough at the moment’.

This is reminding me of when a friend of mine was receiving end of life care in a hospice, and I was visiting and obviously sad about it, and my mother would phone and say ‘Ah, please God — you never know!’ I mean, his organs were shutting down, he was days from death.

OP, in my experience, lots of grandparents think they know better, but realistically they don't; their opinions are just different. They'll be exactly the same if you were to have children.

You and your family sound a right pain OP. Stop giving SIL unsolicited advice. You don't even have kids.

Do you/your parents 'advise' criticise your brother to the same amount? Is he hands on/supportive of sil?

This is reminding me of when a friend of mine was receiving end of life care in a hospice, and I was visiting and obviously sad about it, and my mother would phone and say ‘Ah, please God — you never know!’ I mean, his organs were shutting down, he was days from death.

When I went to see my manager (I was on compassionate leave.to care for my terminally ill DH) to let her know that all treatment had been withdrawn and he was going to die within one to two weeks, she told me off for being negative. She was one of those people who would never accept that anyone had a problem, and was only interested in solutions. But even so, I was horrified when, instead of acknowledging that I had terrible news to come to terms with, she said."For goodness sake. Be positive. Miracles can happen".

I have never forgiven her for that. I was speechless.