I think I annoyed my SIL

[bly]

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

Jesus you and your mum are the assholes. Does your brother think his kids are neglected? He seems happy enough to go off on business and leave her to handle the kids and work.

Ever told her she's doing a good job? Asked her what she needs? Or just that her kid's fingernails are a bit long?

Seriously you sound insufferable.

Can I ask why you have posted op? You are not listening to any advice and despite 99% of posters saying you are unreasonable you are still convinced you are right.
The more you post the more I feel for you sil.

Not sure.

I guess I just felt pretty rubbish about it and wanted to make sense of it.

I can kind of see another side to it now from all the posts. Although I do think some posters have been unkind towards my family and I.

@bly in response to your comment to me, you have been drip feeding your backstory and rather than changing my mind, I can honestly say the more you post the more I'm shocked that this saint of woman who endures your and your mother's nasty behaviour, I'm shocked she hasn't gone scorched earth and cut you both off.

"Although I do think some posters have been unkind towards my family and I".

You seem to be able to give it and not take it. You have rightly been called out on this thread for the way you both have treated your sil, so take this as an opportunity to pull your head in, stop nit picking and treat your sil with the respect she deserves.

I can tell you now the way you both are behaving, she will be well aware you don't like her. So I would start and make an effort to be empathetic and kind, and if you don't have anything nice to say keep your trap shut and stay away and give her space.

I do get what you're saying. But some of the stuff is just so extreme. Some of the things she gets annoyed about or seems annoyed about are just every day things we do when we are together for a meal or whatever. They're natural, normal, helpful things and she still gets funny. For example, I saw her feed her baby with a fork and as I was standing by the cutlery drawer, I asked if she needs a spoon instead. Is that really so terrible ? She probably just couldn't be bothered to get up again to get a spoon to feed the baby, so, as I was up anyway I offered her one. I wasn't trying to say she was doing anything wrong, I was just trying to be helpful. Or if I see my niece struggling to sit on a chair, I'll help her and put a pillow under her. SIL looks pissed off.. it's like everything is us interfering, when actually they're just normal day to day things.

OP we've been through this. Stop giving unsolicited advice. They might seem like helpful things to you, but to her it might seem like a constant stream of nitpicks. If any of my family were like this I would react like her too! Stop giving unsolicited advice!

Ok thanks for your insight. I'm just finding it difficult to understand, but I'll try.

Have you ever spent time with her and not commented on something you deem to be 'wrong'?

The fork/spoon thing - you say you are being helpful but cannot see that could come across as if you are undermining her? Like you don’t think she is doing it right and your way is better

If it was a one off and/or you had a good relationship with her then it would be seen as helpful. But to her it’s probably yet another thing to add to her list of things she know you think she is doing wrong

I think this is a big part of your issue. You feel like you need to understand and agree before you'll change your behaviour.

Instead, you could try listening. Really listening. Accept that a different way of thinking is ok. You don't need to agree with it. The fact you don't really understand it doesn't make it wrong. Just different. And she's telling you really, really clearly that she finds your behaviour upsetting and hurtful. 'I didn't mean it' isn't an excuse we accept from school kids once they've been told something is hurtful. You certainly shouldn't expect your 'good intentions' to paper over the fact that you've repeatedly been told that your SIL really doesn't appreciate the way you behave to her. If you want a relationship with her, and her kids, you should think about listening to her.

I can see that. But it's dangerous to feed a baby with a fork. My mum has also offered her a spoon when she's seen her do it and my SIL stubbornly refused. She keeps doing it. But I do see how I'm clearly thinking my way is better.

"I can see that. But".... All of your replies on here have started the same way! There's no need for the but. The but is what's making her annoyed.

I’m missing the point but things get much harder when schools are involved and god knows why people say otherwise. Very few jobs fit around school hours.

I'm a bit speechless if I'm honest - bless your SIL for dealing with this on the daily...!

An example that you might understand: imagine she comes over to you with a hairbrush and starts brushing your slightly out of place hair, then the next day she pinches your cheeks because "you look tired darling", then the following week she tells you this great sale from X brand that "you might do well in going so you can take advantage to renew your outfits on the cheap"...

On paper, all valid points to "improve" your life and "help you cope better" etc... but the baseline is a constant pointing of things you should do different, of "correcting" you/her because "she has too much on her plate"...! When the first thing we all learn from MN is to do the best we can in life/parenting and that's more than enough.

Why is it dangerous to feed a baby with a fork?

I can see that. But it's dangerous to feed a baby with a fork. My mum has also offered her a spoon when she's seen her do it and my SIL stubbornly refused.

Are you basing all your opinions on what your mom tells you?

It's fine to feed a baby with a fork (especially when you're their mother and you're used to feeding them and know their personal limitations). What's the worst that can happen (other than being judged by someone else for using it)?

Long nails that need to be cut aren't the end of the world, either (in our household the conversation goes "ooh, haven't your nails got long, let's sort them out"). Most parents are usually focused on the bigger picture but will always sort the small stuff as and when noticed. The bigger picture is more important: that children are clean, fed, safely housed and loved.

Pick your battles. You sound as though you mean well, but you're judging and interfering unnecessarily. I used to do this to my older siblings when they had young children and I didn't know better. Now I'm a parent, I cringe at some of the things I did and said!

"The only "perfect" parent is someone who isn't a parent".

Unsolicited advice is criticism. Period.

Intention doesn’t negate impact.

Neither you nor your mother are parenting these children. You don’t know them, or know what they need, better than their actual mother. Quit trying to impose your opinions on your SIL. Neither of you get a vote. Parenting isn’t a committee job.

You’re not being supportive. Neither of you. You’re being critical and undermining under the guise of ‘helpful,’ so when someone calls you out, you can protest that you’re only trying to help and she’s Mrs. Sensitive. You’re not trying to help, you’re trying to control, because your mother believes her way is the only way, and you, either through ignorance or blind loyalty, believe her.

Your mother was the expert on HER children. Your SIL is the expert on her own. Try respecting your SIL and keeping your opinions to yourself for a change.

Best. Post

@ChubbyMorticia 👏👏👏👏

Its posts like that which make me wish MN had a like button

OP read the post above and keep reading it. You say you are taking things onboard but you really need to read this and take it in

I saw her feed her baby with a fork and as I was standing by the cutlery drawer, I asked if she needs a spoon instead. Is that really so terrible ?

yes, it is. Everyone has told you that it is. They’ve patiently explained why, over and over. If you have children yourself at some point, please do remember this post.

your mum has also done the spoon thing. Do you think sil can’t see what you’re up to when you do the same. She knows your mum has talked about it to you, and now you’re both at it. Sil feels judged and she’s not wrong.

please don’t join in. It really feels awful when in-laws do this. It really does.

Op you sound very emotionally immature and can't take any feedback.

You posted to ask 'should I just shut up next time' which tells us you obviously think yanbu and want everyone to agree with you. Do you flounce off a lot in real life ?

People have kindly suggested how you could approach it next time and you reply
'A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family'

Seems like you think you know it all, so just crack on why don't you

I guess it's a tough pill to swallow, that even though you have good intentions, someone else just ends up hating you for trying to help.

It's hard to not make it about that person and their deficiencies.

But this thread has shown that perhaps my SIL isn't the only one that would react that way.