I think I annoyed my SIL

[bly]

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

If that was your attempt at supporting someone you're pretty lacking in awareness or empathy. You initial response comes off as dismissive and fails to acknowledge what she's dealing with now, and your follow up is passive aggressive bollocks for "I don't know how to speak to people so I'm going to make that YOU'RE problem".

How old are you to be so lacking in communication skills? Is there a big age gap?

I wonder if we have the same sister in law! Is she the type who is very privileged and out of touch, and thinks her life is so difficult?

It's sooo hard to find good help these days, darling!

🙄🙄🙄

Oh wow ok..

I'm 26

"Oh, that's tough. Poor you."

Rinse and repeat.

You seem nice.

I think the correct response next time is “ughh that sucks, is there anything I can help with?” Or just a “That sucks and can’t be easy”.

Ughhh another oversensitive (I'm guessing young) mother. Ignore her OP.

Being supportive is not saying "don't worry it will all get better in a few years".

Being supportive is sympathising and perhaps offering a solution that will help now - such as practical support.

If you've not got children you have no idea but to be honest I don't know why she was complaining to you - that is a bit insensitive of her.

This big is sarcy.

1. Most women want acknowledgment of their feelings rather than advice or being told how to feel ('that sucks' 'poor you' 'oh no!' Is more validating than 'at least...') rushing to provide answers is something than men especially tend to do and can make the person feel dismissed (are you a woman or a man btw?)

1. Depending how close you are, I think she was a bit out of line for telling you in that tone how you should respond to her and how to support her- you didn't ask that and it's not really your job you're not her partner or best friend.

1. The defensiveness in your reply to her is pretty passive aggressive. You could have given more grace and just said ok or just not replied.

If that was your attempt at supporting someone you're pretty lacking in awareness or empathy. You initial response comes off as dismissive and fails to acknowledge what she's dealing with now, and your follow up is passive aggressive bollocks for "I don't know how to speak to people so I'm going to make that YOU'RE problem"

This.
Your posts also make it pretty clear that you weren't really trying to be supportive. Your real feelings are way too obvious for that 🙄

I agree

This big is sarcy.

• Most women want acknowledgment of their feelings rather than advice or being told how to feel ('that sucks' 'poor you' 'oh no!' Is more validating than 'at least...') rushing to provide answers is something than men especially tend to do and can make the person feel dismissed (are you a woman or a man btw?)

I am a Woman and I just like to be practical and get on with stuff. No point in dwelling. Just think of how to solve it / the positives and move on.

1. Depending how close you are, I think she was a bit out of line for telling you in that tone how you should respond to her and how to support her- you didn't ask that and it's not really your job you're not her partner or best friend.

Well, a while ago she randomly showed me some stuff about toxic positivity and we talked about how everyone does it sometimes but how it can be unhelpful. She reminded me of that today and basically implied that's what I was doing. It's not up to her to tell me how to talk to her. She does this to my mum too. As always manage to offend her / speak to her the wrong way.

1. The defensiveness in your reply to her is pretty passive aggressive. You could have given more grace and just said ok or just not replied.

I guess you're right. I just got frustrated as it's not the first time she's mentioned to someone in my family that she doesn't like how she's spoken to.

Well she shouldn’t be expecting any sympathy from you because you wouldn’t know much about babies and kids. She sounds hard work.

You’re 26@bly and have never had dc. Don’t worry you weren’t deliberately rude.
I cringe at how lacking in empathy I was 30 years ago.

A tip for the future if your not sure how to respond is to be bland with your reply
eg. Gosh, that sounds tough.

From your latest post she sounds like my dsis who thinks she can teach us all how to be better people.🙄
I wonder if your dsil thinks her dh is also like you and your dm and is trying to change you all. I bet she gossips about you behind your back.

Your OP was fine but this is awful!!!! I would be staying well clear of you after comments like that. I suggest you apologise.

Yeah honestly I don't know who she thinks she is.

We just want to help her and she's forever getting offended. My mum can literally not do anything right by her. She's forever getting offended at random things and we don't even know how to talk to her.

Wow. I'm totally with your SiL. She basically asked for more sympathy and instead you gave an arsey reply. See the difference in these 2 replies you could have given?

"Sorry, that came out wrong. While I've said it gets easier, it must be difficult for you right now. I was just trying to say it won't always feel so bad. Hang in there. In the meantime is there anything that would cheer you up we could find time for?"

As opposed to:

"Well what do you want me to say?! I won't say anything in future, I'll just shut up!".

Your poor SiL probably feels she's walking on eggshells round you. With friends like you who needs enemies?

It was toxic positivity. She's absolutely right.

And if you've learnt that attitude from your mother she's probably right about her too.

If she's repeatedly telling you she doesn't like the way to talk to her, have you considered not talking to her that way?!

You seem convinced she's wrong, has the overwhelming ratio of people telling you she's not, made any impact at all?!

Well, a while ago she randomly showed me some stuff about toxic positivity and we talked about how everyone does it sometimes but how it can be unhelpful. She reminded me of that today and basically implied that's what I was doing. It's not up to her to tell me how to talk to her. She does this to my mum too. As always manage to offend her / speak to her the wrong way.

So she's already tried to tell you in a more gentle way that she doesn't find it helpful but you still did it?

Look, maybe your SIL is over sensitive, maybe not - but if you react to everyone like that whenever they have a moan, then she won't be the only person you're upsetting. She might have done you a favour by pointing it out.

I was thinking the same as @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut

I suspect you and your mum bolster each other’s view that SIL is the problem with the all the “I can’t do right for doing wrong!” stuff people come up with when people push back against behaviours they’ve told you they don’t like.

So yes; listen to what she says she doesn’t like and try not doing it. So interesting that a random poster recognised toxic positivity from your brief post and you then confim that SIL has actually mentioned the same thing. That said, if I were your SIL I think I’d just have backed off from you both rather than valiantly tried to educate you 😂

You and your mum clearly don’t like her much. Perhaps you could try giving her some space or is she always coming round and asking you to visit? If your help consists of advice on how to do things better or differently then it’s probably annoying. Has she asked for help? Most people aren’t requesting help when they complain something is difficult, they are just venting and possibly looking for sympathy. If I’ve got a banging headache and a professional exam tomorrow I’m not expecting you to do anything about it, I’m just moaning and maybe hoping for a brief “Poor you! That’s shit.” Try NOT helping unless specifically asked, not that either of you are obliged to help.

It sounds like there is some resentment of her coming from you or your mum. She has a career, a lovely child and your brother…do you and your mum think she should be more grateful or that she’s “up herself? If so, the problem is almost certainly you. People have different family cultures and it sounds like she is different from your side. That doesn’t have to be a problem but you need to stop reading her through your family lens and treating her as you think you would want to be treated and expect her to be grateful. At least she’s bothering to try and tell you how to make the relationship better.

I also have to say that starting a new job and having to be absent due to childcare issues is a very stressful situation; you worry your new colleagues and employer will be wondering if you are going to be flakey, add to that the strain of looking after children while feeling shit yourself. Poor thing! It’s a shame your brother couldn’t take the time off given she’s got a new job. That would have been help.

Pointing out the fact her youngest will be in nursery in the future really isn’t much help is it? She already knows that.

Yup. If your brother didn't take the day off and expected her to when she's in a new job, then who could blame her if she's not feeling particularly positive about him or his family.

I hope this is a reverse because you sound awful, saying "Mrs Sensitive"?! She is stating she is dealing with something tough, you don't have children and I'm sorry until you do you don't have the faintest idea. Another mumsnetter posted a video on empathy and I suggest you watch it, as you sound passive aggressive and nasty.

"I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '. She then said that she understood how it was meant, but acknowledgement is also sometimes nice or something along those lines."

My mother in law and her family are like this. This is why I leave any contact with them to DH. He's welcome to go see them but I don't encourage the relationship and leave it up to him which means that they barely see us. Their loss as they miss out on having a close relationship with their grandchild

All they need to do is behave with the most basic civility and manners, which for them is impossible. I hope your SIL wises up and cuts you and your ghastly family loose.

I think if you knew the backstory and how my SIL has spoken to my mum and I and how kind we are to her, you would feel differently.

My mum just tries to give advice on grandkids but can't even do that. SIL just explodes