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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I annoyed my SIL

176 replies

bly · 15/06/2023 18:58

She was complaining about how everything falls apart when her nanny gets sick ( she has two small kids and the nanny looks after them ). Her nanny has got sick this week and my SIL has also needed some time off work because she was sick too, so I guess she's stressed about being behind on her work. ( started a new job recently ).

I replied saying that it won't be like that for long and that once she puts the little one in nursery, things will get easier and once they go to school, it will get easier again.

She works full time and has the nanny / nursery for the older child while she works.

She seemed a bit annoyed and said something like, it would be nice if her feelings were acknowledged about the situation.

I was just trying to be positive. Should I just shut up next time ?

OP posts:
goldenlocks · 15/06/2023 20:56

She may also be sensitive. But you can also see how different people want different things out of conversations/interactions. It's easy for me to say as I have no emotional investment in your relationship. You both sound at the end of your tether.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 15/06/2023 20:59

I have to say I hate it when I tell someone I'm having a tough time and they talk about how things will get better soon, or it could be worse. It may be trying to be comforting, but feels like minimising <looking at you, DM>

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 21:14

saraclara · 15/06/2023 20:49

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '.

Ouch. Now THAT was far worse than your attempt to be positive. I'd be pissed off with you for that. You empathy chip appears to be missing.

And fo the record, you don't have to shut up next time. You just express sympathy and try to unnderstand how she's feeling.

I guess it's really frustrating when you're trying your best to support someone and then they react like she did. I felt frustrated. I literally don't know what to say next time.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 15/06/2023 21:17

Just sympathise. Even more so given that you don't have kids so have absolutely no idea what you're talking about in your platitudes.

Reacting the way you did was just toddler behaviour and very manipulative, making yourself into some kind of victim.

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/06/2023 21:18

From your implication does this mean she is married to your brother? By it all falling to her is he not pulling his weight?

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 21:21

Next time just say:

  • that sounds hard, it must be tough to be sick and not have the support you usually have.

That is literally all that is needed (even if you don't believe it).

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 21:21

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/06/2023 21:18

From your implication does this mean she is married to your brother? By it all falling to her is he not pulling his weight?

Yeah she's married to my brother

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 15/06/2023 21:43

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 20:29

A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family

So you don't care that YABU then? Nice one.

I don't think your DSiL is super sensitive. I think you are the one who's sensitive! Your reply to her was passive aggressive and making it about you. All she needed was a bit of sympathy not suggestions, especially from someone who doesn't even have children!

WoolyAndYug · 15/06/2023 21:47

You sound overly consumed by the fact she has a nanny and seem to think she is too career focussed so I imagine she's picking up these vibes.

WoolyAndYug · 15/06/2023 21:50

Ah I see you don't have kids yet - that explains the nonsensical nursery comment!

Curseofthenation · 15/06/2023 21:54

I think it depends on your relationship, do you seek out sympathy and emotional support from her? If you don't and she is in the habit of saying 'woe is me' then I would get irritated too.

I don't mind occasionally saying 'oh, that must be difficult' to a friend that is having a hard time but I definitely don't want to be a go to friend for whinging about slightly challenging moments in life on the regular. It's draining. I don't expect that from my friends though.

For some reason people that don't need to whinge about every struggle in life and don't want to hear about their friends minor struggles are considered deficient. I think it's just a case of being different types of people.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 15/06/2023 22:05

I hate these pile on’s so much.

YANBU

The sil sounds like a cunt.

Going by the nasty comments here, next time just say ”yes dear, your life is shit, too bad you made the choices you did, it’a all horrible”.

WunWun · 15/06/2023 22:11

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 15/06/2023 22:05

I hate these pile on’s so much.

YANBU

The sil sounds like a cunt.

Going by the nasty comments here, next time just say ”yes dear, your life is shit, too bad you made the choices you did, it’a all horrible”.

Like knows like innit!

Original poster
bly · 15/06/2023 22:26

WoolyAndYug · 15/06/2023 21:50

Ah I see you don't have kids yet - that explains the nonsensical nursery comment!

I don't get it. Surely when both children go to nursery, it will be easier as the nursery won't just suddenly close and she'll always have the childcare she needs, to enable her to work?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 15/06/2023 22:34

@bly kids get ill all the time when they're at nursery.

Why isnt your brother having time off work if shes recently started a new job?

Let me guess, hes got a big important man job and your family feels like she's indebted to you all?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/06/2023 22:39

*I said 'well what do you want me to say?’, ‘I should just shut up next time then’.

Wow-that’s empathic of you.

When the child starts nursery and mixes with other children, they will probably catch every bug and infection going from all the new children they interact with, and then the nursery won’t take them until they’re better. Not the magic solution.

Confusion101 · 15/06/2023 22:39

bly · 15/06/2023 22:26

I don't get it. Surely when both children go to nursery, it will be easier as the nursery won't just suddenly close and she'll always have the childcare she needs, to enable her to work?

Show quote history

Even if it this was true (which it isn't), do you just expect her to OK waiting around until that day? She is stressed today! Thinking that long term isn't helpful.

Your responses were sharp, harsh, uncaring... Your attempt at being positive was poorly delivered. Your response was the same as saying to someone who is angry "calm down". It never works!

LeroyJenkinssss · 15/06/2023 22:46

Jeez. I could see where you were coming from initially (but also think just commiserating with someone’s feelings rather than trying to problem solve us better). However your follow up comments were just nasty plus the mrs sensitive comment just makes you seem horrible that won’t allow people to express their feelings. She wasn’t having a go at you, just trying for a bit of empathy which you seem to be lacking.

WoolyAndYug · 15/06/2023 22:48

Nurseries close for random training days, they don't open on bank holidays (when many people are still expected to work) and bugs spread like wildfire meaning children are often off sick or sent home sick and told they can't return for 48 hours. Most parents I know haven't managed a full week of work in the first six months of their child starting a nursery.

ModeWeasel · 15/06/2023 22:54

She’s communicating with you, just listen and respond with some empathy if you want to build a positive relationship?

Codlingmoths · 15/06/2023 22:57

Dear ms ‘I just won’t say anything again’ I see this post: A learning opportunity that my sis in law is once again Mrs Sensitive and turns even the most well intentioned things into something negative from me and and my family and I think that your sister in law is not the sensitive one, and really you are quite passive aggressive which probably drives her batshit.
But to help, can I explain some of the continued challenges of parenting when your dc go to nursery?
They don’t go when sick. They are sent home and you have to look after them, in some cases it’s policy to get a gp appt to clear them to send them back for infectious diseases like hand foot and mouth. Nannies will come more days eg for colds, nothing classified as an infectious disease but they don’t have strict gp policies, once the child is better they can come back. You may have to make their lunch for nursery, no nuts. You have to pick up tired children and try and feed them in about 20 minutes before they are ready for bed. This is unachievable so they get steadily more tired.
assuming your older child continued to get older, you have to get them all ready then drop one at school then one at nursery and only then can you work. The mornings we have a nanny come are SO much easier.
its just a juggle being a working parent and a little sympathy would go a long way. I get that you were trying to be positive but if you reflect on this thread you can see that perhaps you should try to be supportive instead. Picture yourself home for 6 days with gastro, vomiting your guts out. Do you want your friend to message A: that sounds so shit I’m sorry you poor thing or B: never mind! You’ll have forgotten about it in a few days!! If you actually do prefer B the learning point is that other people mostly think differently from you and would prefer A, and if you can’t manage that as you don’t want to change your natural style, then yes you should just not say anything, preferably without the passive aggressive hump to go with it.

Els1e · 15/06/2023 23:02

YABU. Your SIL is having a down moment and just wanted to vent. All you can do is come up with some if’s, what’s and maybe’s for the future. Yeah, you’re right, don’t bother with trying to offer some sympathy or empathy unless capable of a modicum of understanding. Remain in your bubble. 🤷‍♀️

Womencanlift · 15/06/2023 23:03

I said ' well what do you want me to say ? ' ' I should just shut up next time then '

You actually said this? No wonder if she was pissed. That is pretty rude, whatever the scenario was. You don’t need to have kids to know that’s a shit thing to say

Bunce1 · 15/06/2023 23:07

URRRGH!

I moved to SE Asia when I was 21 and expressed some normal homesick emotion to my new work colleague and she replied- build a bridge and get over it. I laugh now but it really felt like a sucker punch at the time.

You have reminded me of this instance. You’d be the dead inside work colleague.

WesterChick · 15/06/2023 23:13

Are you my MiL? Lol. I'm so happy to see that your response is so vilified on here.. I had an awful time when I was postnatally struggling with my third and my MiL was very toxically positive, I was never allowed to be struggling or feeling overwhelmed. Not related really but the concept of 'toxic positivity' has really rung a big bell for me. And the pp who linked it to being a people pleaser too.. my MiL NEEDS everyone to be Happy All Of The Time.

So yeah... maybe work on your empathy, it's a skill you lack and a super important one for being a good friend / relative.