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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents of children who are in childcare would like to see them more often?

1008 replies

tori32 · 21/02/2008 21:46

I CM and have several sets of parents who finish work early on many occasions who never collect their child early. I know I am paid and it does not bother me in the slightest to look after them for their agreed hours, I just feel sorry for the child because they are missing out on this extra time with parents who work full time.

I was a working mum for 3 months (as in not CM) but always collected dd early when I finished early because I wanted to spend time with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 23/02/2008 20:54

I was a sahm with dd but am a wohm with ds.

With dd I had the time to do things like painting, baking, going for long walks in the park, meeting other mums and making friends, going on days out, etc. Yet it drove me mad as I lost my sense of identity.

When ds came along I decided to work. When he was 1 year old I left him in a nursery whilst I worked part time and that's how it's been since, he's now 4.

I like working, I get my sense of individualism back, I am once again a person and not just a mum and wife.

But I miss ds and can't help feeling that he has missed out too. Now someone else does painting and baking with him. I'm too tired when I come home to do these things. I hate leaving him at nursery and he doesn't like it either, he'd much rather be at home.

When I don't work, I always pick him up. I have left him in nursery on occasion when I've needed time to myself, but not very often. I miss him a lot and just want to have him back with me again. I'm more relieved now that he's fast approaching school-age.

I don't think you can win really.

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 20:55

Nicetry - I don't have a pension. Need someone to pay for me to go into a good home when I'm 80. Of course, that isnt what I told the social worker.

NiceTry · 23/02/2008 20:56

Elffriend Hi, I am an educated woman and teach teenagers with special educational needs.

MsHighwater · 23/02/2008 20:56

chelsygirl, I can handle not being discussed in glowing terms by my dd's nursery nurses. I'd be severely pissed off if I found out that they talked about how they thought I was being a bad parent because a) I put my child in childcare and b) sometimes I do it even when I'm not at work.

glucose · 23/02/2008 20:56

please can people STOP posting on this thread, I just can't help myself but read it, and it's all so destructive. Who would like a nice cup of tea?

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 20:57

bethelsie - come sit over here with me and we can laugh at each others jokes.

I'm so thrilled that someon is with me - I was beginning to feel quite ignored.

spicemonster · 23/02/2008 20:57

@ kewcumber. I don't care if my DS's carer hates me, he thinks she's fab and that's all I care about really

I do think it's amusing/ironic that there are CMs on this thread slagging off their employers on a board which is largely read by their clients. Talk about biting the hand that feeds

bethelsie · 23/02/2008 20:58

I dont think nicetry gets light hearted humour? your not angry are you?

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 20:58

yes please glucose - am gasping - I've been glued to MN waiting for DS to go to sleep but little bugger has only just dropped off. WOuld murder for a nice strong cup.

WallOfSilence · 23/02/2008 20:59

I left this morning, but I have had to come back.

I still can't believe how narrow minded some posters are being.

I was at an art exhibition this afternoon with my children & my niece.

I was standing beside a group of 3 women (whom I didn't know). They were chatting amongst themselves & although I heard some of their conversation, I was not eavesdropping.

One of the ladies walked off in the direction of the toilet... and the other 2 started into slating her Saying they have no idea why she came.. she obviously didn't want to be there, she obviously had no interest in her child seeing as she works all week... I felt so angry... how dare they stand there and patronise her, asking her how her dd is doing in school etc....

When I went into the car I told dh what I had heard.. we were still sitting when the group of 3 came out.

Dh knew her.

He told me her dh died 6 months ago. He had hung himself due to the amount of debt they were in...

And her supposedly named friends were slating her for working all week. The pair of cunts.

Goes to show there are more reasons than what are on the surface!

NiceTry · 23/02/2008 20:59

Chelseygirl, I work with teenagers who go on work experience placements at nurserys and are horrified by what they see and the amount of parent slagging that goes on.

AprilMeadow · 23/02/2008 20:59

I work 20hours per week but put my two children into nursery for longer than i actually work. My ds does the same number of sessions as he did when i was working full time for 4 days per week. I have monday mornings off and thursday afternoons to specifically spend with them. As of April i will be also having friday pm's off with them. By having 2/3 afternoons to myself allows me to get the house up straight and run any errands i need to do without having to lug the dc's around with me. I can have hair appts, dr's, dentists etc therefore making my time with them completely devoted to them rather than dragging them food shopping or having to leave them playing whilst i clean the house.

Yes i would like to spend more time with them but i also think that i need to have just a small amount of time to myself to just be me.

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 20:59

but spicemonster - we don;t think that we are those terribly unreasonable paretns. And obviously I'm not but you might well be...

chelsygirl · 23/02/2008 21:00

MsHighwater, do you really think they don't discuss B?
they will, I'd be amazed if they didn't

spicemonster · 23/02/2008 21:01

chelsygirl - you've illustrated what I find so annoying about this thread perfectly in your last post. Those of us who put our kids in childcare are horrible and cruel, and to be blunt, shit parents. Judgey, judgey, judgey, smug, smug, smug.

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 21:02

I slag off my boss all the time. I rather like him though. Why is slagging off parents a problem - they;re paid to be nice to the children not the parents.

You see obviously the problme is that I'm an accountant, I;m used to people being horrid to me - I think its the natural order of things... (or am I just really a cow

NiceTry · 23/02/2008 21:03

bethelsie, Kewcumber - I see this sort of subtle bullying everyday at work. I have grown a thick skin since school!

glucose · 23/02/2008 21:03

kewcumber
I am really too glued to MN tonight for my own good, I really need the loo and to take my dog out to do the same. I just get totally caught up in MN stuff, this thread in particular. Sorry to hear about DS. This evening we all pretended to go to bed to get dd in bed!

Sad, must not hijack thread, and must not post on it, as I want it to stop.

spicemonster · 23/02/2008 21:04

I don't know about you KC but I'm not remotely unreasonable. Not ever ...

MsHighwater · 23/02/2008 21:05

chelsygirl, I daresay they do discuss parents. I also don't doubt that they don't approve of or agree with everything that they see of how their charges' parents run their lives but I would still think it unreasonable of them if they found the parents wanting solely for putting their children in childcare.

Kewcumber · 23/02/2008 21:05

anyway if a childcarer talks about what a bad parent I am then then must really suck at being a child carere because despite being such an awful parent my DS still prefers me to them . I have tried to put him off but he insists on thinking I am the bees-knees, bless him

bethelsie · 23/02/2008 21:06

Its not that, i was actually trying to be fun and light hearted as everyone was being so serious, but you got very aggressive. I didnt realise you didnt understand the humour. sorry to offend you, tht wasnt ment to happen.

Elffriend · 23/02/2008 21:06

Hi Nicetry.. Tough job that. Has that job influenced your views on parenting at all (just interested)?

I was not, by the way, judging whether or not you were educated (don't know you - even in mumsnet world) but one natural consequence if women were to all stay at home (which is your stated preference) would be that much of the ground that has been gained by women in many professions would be lost.

Anyway, why DO you chose to work?

Personally, I have never been able to reconcile in my own mind the idea of not working/being dependent on another (not judging those who do by the way, it's just not an ethos that works for me). that means there have to be trade-offs if you do decide to be a perent. You work, you know this. You are clearly fortunate that you do not have to use external childcare but I am still not convinced at all that my child is fundamentally more damaged because he does not have me 24/7 - or any less loved/cared for. There are SO many variables.

blueshoes · 23/02/2008 21:07

Nicetry: "I have never met a nursery worker who would put her own baby in fulltime daycare (why would they, they've seen the reality) unless it was the one she worked at -and that's not the same because she is there!!"

Er, the nursery manager at my dcs' nursery sends her son ft - she does not work in any of the rooms. Maybe because she Knows the quality care they provide. And maybe because she is the most highly paid person there and can afford it.

You don't seem to be responding the heaps of reasoned and well-explained answers you got to your 18:15 post of "My arguments are that the ideal situation is for a very young child to be cared for by it's parents....". I took the time to do a point-by-point reply.

Perhaps you are not interested in the answers? None so blind as those who will not see.

chelsygirl · 23/02/2008 21:08

mshighwater the way I read it that was option A, which I didn't say they discussed

but I imagine they would discuss option B as I said before

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