His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

leave him. Go to the council. Be declared homeless due to relationship breakdown. You’ll spend time with the kids in a hostel then be houses. You will have a brighter future alone than with him though it will be tough for a period

this is financial abuse and manipulation, not love. You deserve better.

Why on earth haven’t you pushed this? Why are you afraid to upset him? What do you think will happen if you push him (in your eyes) too much?

If you're still reading @Lidale, I really hope you're ok. There's a lot on here that must have been very hard to read, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're feeling a bit shell-shocked.

There is help out there if your partner is prepared to face up to whatever his issues are.

If it's gambling, Gam-Anon can support you, and Gamblers Anonymous can help him, if he's ready to seek help. Both have websites with how to get in touch with them.

If it's not gambling, and he simply can't control his spending, if he's prepared to let you take control of the family finances and not have access to all his income, that's quite easy to do. He can have his wages paid into a different account that he doesn't have a card for, and you can give him a set amount of cash each week for his spends.

Step Change, CAB, Christians Against Poverty (who don't preach at you or anything) are all very good at finding the best possible debt solution for his circumstances.

The only way to find out what the cause of his spending is by asking him, and asking to see his bank statements. If he doesn't agree, then you know he's hiding something. It's time for a Serious Talk, if you haven't already have it.

If he's not prepared to talk, then he's not ready to change. You then have to decide if you can face bringing up your child in dire financial circumstances.

I hope that, if you decide your relationship has no future because of this, you can take to your parents and maybe move back in with them.

Good luck.

Do you love him enough to see it through, do you laugh together have fun together have a good sex life are you friends? If after all those things your answer is yes it’s worth time trying! If no you need to leave the relationship!

Managing debt is about attitude towards money and his is bad. It would appear to be learned behaviour from his parents and his approach is unlikely to change. This situation is not going to improve any time soon, and is making you unhappy . Get out now before you get dragged into his miserable future

@ilovesushi

@Harmonypus that is such an appalling situation! I am so glad to hear you are rid of his debt now. He must be absolutely devoid of any humanity to allow you to carry his debt all these years.

It's been horrendous. Holidays were only dreamt about, days out were only ever local and free or really cheap. I did everything I could to make my kids happy, but on a shoestring, so I could try to get rid of his debts ASAP. I feel really guilty for them missing out but they do say they were happy because whatever we did, we did it together, and they're so pleased that financial millstone has now gone from around my neck.

Devoid of humanity is a polite thing to say about him!
He remarried, then lost his second wife, my youngest was just 13 at the time, he knew her and wanted to go to the funeral, but was completely ignored by his father.
Then a week later, he sent me all photos he had of our son and a letter, which said he wanted nothing to do with him.
My son saw and intercepted the envelope, read it and responded to his father (without telling me until 2.5 years later), telling him that I'd not seen his letter and the photos, saying exactly what he thought of his attitude and the fact he'd lumbered me with these debts, and never paid any maintenance for either of us, making it clear that he didn't need him because I was the only one who'd done all the parenting, and he was perfectly happy to never have contact again. He kept a photocopy of the letter he'd sent his father and showed it to me when he was almost 16. i was so proud of my boy for standing up to his father and supporting me, even though he was barely a teenager when he intercepted the letter, plus it wasn't his responsibility to stand up for me.
My son's 27 now, and we've not seen anything of his father in the past 14 years. He did approach my son on FB about 7 years ago, but he told him to (not so politely) go away and never make contact again.

I would recommend you spend some tiime with the website of Surviving Economic Abuse.

You may not realise it but a lot of what is described there applied to you.

Good luck.

Surviving Economic Abuse: Transforming responses to economic abuse

Im surprised they can come after the ex wife for debts in the husbands name(or vice versa)-i thought if it was in one name nooneelse was connected to it

You'll have money, once you stop contributing to, and propping up, this utter waste of space.

This will go on indefinitely, because you're staying with him.

Is it possible to get his Experian report? That would show you his full credit load and what kind of risk he is viewed as by lenders. It summarises every card and loan. Wouldn’t include borrowing from friends etc of course but would have the rest. You have a right to know the extent of the problem if your life is so dramatically affected by his decisions

@whynotwhatknot

Im surprised they can come after the ex wife for debts in the husbands name(or vice versa)-i thought if it was in one name nooneelse was connected to it

Yes, they can, whilst you're still married, which is what happened to me, and then because I'd made payments (even if I'd only made one payment), I was told they were now MY debts, and would remain that way once we were divorced.
So basically, if you're married, and one partner says they can't (or won't) pay the debts, the creditors can definitely claim from the other partner.
I don't believe they can claim debts that pre-exist the relationship (not just the marriage), but they can definitely hold you responsible for any debts accrued since the start of the relationship, up until divorce, and as can be seen from my case, you can get stuck with them for decades until they're paid off.
Any debts accrued after divorce are their own to deal with.

I am a 58yo woman who has been married 25 yrs, divorced, put myself through college, and now have a career and take care of myself. Based on my experience, no matter how much you love him, this is not something you should take on for life. He is irresponsible with money. He may be “trying”, but that does not imply he’s succeeding. Don’t make excuses for him, and do not let him drag you down anymore. There is a way for you to get out of the relationship, you just need to look for it. Family? Friend? Someone who can give you a place for a brief time until you figure life out. It can be done, and you will be better off mentally and financially. Period.

I know you have a child together but my advice would be to RUN. Things will never ever change please believe me.

Would your parents give you money for a deposit for a flat. Im sure they would be happy to help for you to get rid of him

This!!!! With bells on!

You’ve got no money because you’re propping him up.

Also, do you not find this trait in him with money and lack of providing for his children extremely unattractive? This would be such a huge turn off for me.

We both work and contribute to the household but my husband is 100% the provider and man of the house and that’s how I want it. He is however SHITE at managing the household funds though and literally transfers a huge chunk of his wages to me. If I left everything to him we’d live on takeaways because he’d forget to order food shopping, we’d have a 65 inch tv in each room and the electricity bill wouldn’t be paid 🙄 I make sure everything is paid, he calls me his treasurer 😂 He then asks if we need anything and will cheerfully hand his card over/transfer me money for anything we need/want. Always has. I know all relationships work differently but would he be at all willing for you to “take over” the payment/financial side of things so you can get things under control? It’s the only possible way I can see or saving your relationship.

Do you love him enough to see it through, do you laugh together have fun together have a good sex life are you friends? If after all those things your answer is yes it’s worth time trying! If no you need to leave the relationship!

Sorry but this is terrible advice - even if all the above were true, he's lied to you, he's still lying to you and he's grossly abusing you financially and through coercive control. Run for the fcking hills OP, he's disgusting

I think a lot of people posting on MN are being unkind and don’t understand the situation. I found myself in a similar situation, but I am convinced my husbands spending habits were almost an addiction, and like all addicts, he was very clever at hiding the true position.
The best thing you can do is gather up as many facts and figures as you can, and take them to the Citizens Advice Bureau, who may be able to help you see clearly what avenues are open to you. You are not liable for his debts unless you have inadvertently signed for say a credit card or a loan, which he is using.
At the moment you are going round in circles, the CAB or a debt counsellor, or a solicitor will be able to help you see things clearer.
Good Luck

@Keeper11

You are not liable for his debts unless you have inadvertently signed for say a credit card or a loan, which he is using.

She's not liable for his debts YET, but the minute they get married, she'll be jointly liable, then if they were to split up and he said he couldn't pay, the creditors will go after her for the money - Been there, got the tee shirts

Realistically you took this guy's problems on when you became a couple. You've obviously had happy times and had a child. I feel that you are now reconsidering what your life could have been if he hadn't had this debt issue, and you're mulling over what the more optimistic financial situation you could be in now. Look it's entirely up to you. There's nothing wrong with having a moan, we all do it, but you must think about your and your kid's future. I think you love the bloke, and that's fine, but a life of penury is fucking misery. You must consider your future together - what's past is done - you have to look hard at today and tomorrow. He's not accepting any discussion about finances because you took him on knowing that he was in debt. TBH he sounds pretty irresponsible, but you went along with his behaviour. Don't have any more kids with him and don't marry him for Christ's sake. I don't know how old you are but you don't have to commit yourself to a life of drudgery. Doesn't he care that you have no fucking new clothes to wear? I think he's been using you for a while and it will only get worse. To be honest I would get out of this mess asap before it really is too late.

FFS! There are millions of loveable men who are good in bed AND do NOT have massive debts, a gambling problem, shit parents and bad character.

She has to look out for her fundamental security and that of her children; love is the fucking least of it at this point. She is looking at ruining the rest of her life over sentimental hogwash.

To quote MN you need to get your ducks in a row.

1. Go to CAB and work out what you can get as a single mum. Childcare help, housing, etc.

2. Write down everything you know about his debt. Get an Experian report, ask his friends. When the the numbers are there, they are likely to shock you, but you have then there in black and white.

3. Make a decision. For me, the lying, stealing and gaslighting would be enough. You don't trust your partner which is enough to end the relationship. However, I appreciate it's harder to do, especially with a child. Bear in mind, no matter what you decide, this is what your life will be like. He is a gambler. You can't rely on him. You can't trust him. He will never support you.

4. Don't marry him and (I can't emphasize this enough), don't get pregnant again. However bad the situation is, it will be even worse if you take on joint responsibility for his debts and give up work for a baby. It would be financial suicide.

thats awful and unfair

It is awful and unfair, but it's reality, I know, because I've lived it for the past 30 years, but have finally escaped it, literally 2 weeks ago.
My life is now mine, and I'll never fall for the same thing again!

As someone who has been in a similar position, I want to say run.
He has prioritised himself financially, he will never prioritise you or your child over himself.
He will eventually drag you into his financial mess and hurt your prospects.
Leave. Figure out a way whilst you still can.