His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Don’t marry him. Has he had decent debt advice? Your local Citizens Advice Bureau can help. If you have put up with this for years, why hasn’t he got a DRO (Debt Relief Order) or filed for bankruptcy, if he owed over 20K? If you don’t stand up for yourself, you will find yourself stuck with him forever. He’s obviously quite comfortable with the situation! With a child, if you leave, you may be eligible for local authority housing, just check you don’t do anything which will enable them to say you made yourself intentionally homeless.

It is hard to believe that this post is real OP. You are fully aware of being financially abused, lied to, gaslighted, taken grossly advantage of, totally exploited etc etc etc etc
You entered the relationship knowing that he was in debt, got pregnant knowing this, continue in the relationship knowing that you are being treated like shit, yet still plan to MARRY your abuser.

So you come on here complaining about the situation. You receive tons of excellent feedback and advice. Yet you apparently take NONE of it onboard, and seem intent on carrying on being financially abused. Really?

This is a very different situation though as your DH effectively bought a career, short term pain for long term gain. The OP’s DH hasn’t got any fall back from his debts, there is no positive side to his debt.

So he's a gambler and his parents went bankrupt too? Leave him and them before it gets even worse.

This can't be true, firstly he wouldn't be able to claim bankruptcy with debts of 10k, and whilst 10k isn't ideal, it wouldn't leave a man with a full time job and no real outgoings with no money at the end of every month. It's also incredibly suspicious that he won't be open and hoe at with you about is income and outgoing - could he be gambling? If you really want to make this work, insist you sit down and go through all of your finances, and agree a budget and a repayment plan for the debts, and make.sure he is contributing to his child (I would recommend not making it work though, you will be so much better off without him)

Do you live with your parents? If so bin him, if not, can you? Get some maintenance off him and start living your life.

Agree also with @ReadingSoManyThreads second hand clothes and shoes are fine for babies, they grow out of them so quickly, also consider selling some of your child's clothes they have grown out of to get some more money. Look at vinted for you too, they have some bargains.

Leave

Find a way to get out of this before it gets any worse

Luckily a while after Bankruptcy, it will start to get a bit better, so long as you don't let him get a credit card or anything that can get him bet into debt.
Sadly my partner is really crap with money, he makes a fair amount, but likes to drink (too much) then gets the munchies, then buys junk food and crap. Burning through most of his money. We haven't a holiday in a while, because we don't have any savings and he useless at saving. I have been stuck in part time minimum wage jobs, I have debt, which is down to a bank giving me a loan they shouldn't have. It was a home owners loan, but we were renters, then I got in credit card debt, I am paying it off, but it will take ages.

@Lidale , you mention this : "I had savings for a deposit that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. " Are you saying that the moment he sees money he still spends more than he owns? Because in that case, you don't need to go away, no, you need to run, as fast and as far as you can. Don't you see it yourself? It will only get worse when you get married, he will poach of you no end! Try and get away with your child to a friend or a relative who will home you for a short time. Save all of your wages untill you can rent for your own. And I'm sure there are organisations who can and will help you. What your partner does is extortion and mistreatment!

I can’t get the figures to compute at all. I assumed you were the higher earner and he was sponging from what you said. So can you break down where his money goes to help. If your combined earnings are £2500, take off say roughly £500 for tax, NI etc. so overall combined we’ll say roughly £2000. What do you contribute to the home you live in with his family, what is left after this?
He’s lying about being declared bankrupt, the point of doing that is to write off the debt and he says he’s paying it still. If he has less than 10k debt and that much earnings coming in, why is it not clearing?
Truthfully, I suspect he’s gambling what he is earning and leaving you on a very small wage to pay everything. There’s no other justifiable reason for his money to be disappearing but the debt not shifting

If he’s paying £1 a month to all his debts then he is not bankrupt!…. Bankrupsy wipes most debts except things like council tax, which since he’s living with his parents he wouldn’t have!
He’s lying to you … I think you need to demand to see his bank statements and figure out where all this money has gone and continues to go!…. If he won’t show you and tries to shift the focus by calling you controlling or whatever then he’s 100% hiding a gambling addiction and a real problem!
Could you move back to your parents? Honesty you’d be better at this point presenting yourself to your local authority as homeless and being put up in a B&B or hostel and being urgent on the council lost for housing! Apply for payments from him and ask for them to be taken straight out of his wages due to gambling addictions…
What a nightmare both he and his family sound…. It’s a shame you told him you had money. He wouldn’t have ploughed more money into his debts, he just gambled more!!

Wow, there's some serious judgement in some of these posts. I'm 9 years into a relationship where my OH was in serious debt, went bankrupt a few years in. We've just bought a house and are getting married in a few months. It gets better. If he has gone bankrupt, this should last 12 months of him needing to pay what he can afford, then the rest should be written off and he's free of it all. You'll get there. Sometimes it seems like life is all about money. But it gets better. Take the lead on financial matters for a while and 12 months after his bankruptcy is over, get him a CC for those with bad credit and allow him to gradually build up a credit rating again. Its an uphill battle. But if you love him more than you love money, it's a beautiful view from the top. Good luck xxx

Snap

I thought if you were bankrupt then the debts were written off? No? I am probably wrong but that was my understanding.

If he’s earning 2k per month is that after tax? I don’t understand how he’s in 10k worth of debt and can’t seem to clear it when you live with his family so your outgoings can’t be that great. If he’s paying off debt every month to such an extent he can’t financially contribute then he must be paying at least a grand off per month.

Somethings not adding up, he’s clearly a liar. You should leave him. Go to your council and say you’re homeless. Anything’s got to be better than hanging on to that useless idiot who’s clearly dragging you down.

Don’t marry him until his debt is gone. Does he work? Can he work more? I’m sorry to say he’s using u. Hugely. I’m not saying leave but you need a serious chat.

100% correct

hes lying. I’m my job I’ve supported people to go bankrupt and he’s 100% lying about all this…

Him being in debt might be fine but you paying for his debt isn’t. My partner and I have entirely separate finances. I know he is in debt but I don’t know the extent of it and I don’t want to. He is incredibly bad with money but pays for everything including rent, bills and maintenance for my stepdaughter. I don’t know if he puts anything towards his debt and, again, I don’t need to know about that.
What I will never do is marry him, open a joint account or tie our finances in any other way. I will consider buying a property together as long as the terms are clearly outlined regarding our shared responsibilities. This is workable for us.
Your situation is entirely unworkable and I appreciate you feel stuck. But the first step is to recognise that you have a problem and this is not going to get better for you. There are places like wine’s shelters, there is a local council who can support with temporary housing (his family can give you an eviction notice), there are organisations who help women escape abusive relationships and yes, you are being financially abused). You have to want to end it, which you don’t seem to be ready to do at the moment. But there are always options, even if it means sleeping on your parent’s couch for a couple of months.

Dump him. He's obviously got no financial sense at all. It'll never get any better!

You are in a good situation now as you are living with your parents. @LaDamaDeElche op is living with p parents not her own.

I just reread all of OP's posts and I can't see where she said that.

I’m sorry if he’s not good with money now who’s to say he will be in a year or twos time when the debt is cleared many people can clear debt then it build back up again. You need to be realistic here for you and your child

Sorry can I ask why are you marrying him if he's not really bringing anything to the relationship

Do you feel trapped into staying in the relationship because you live with the in-laws and can't afford to move out?
You say his debt is only about £10K and he earns £2K a month, that shouldn't be too bad so either he actually has a much higher debt and is lying to you or he is wasting money on gambling and get rich quick schemes and wasting money. Either way, there's no way you should marry him.