His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

How much debt does he have and how many years has it been?

Lidale · Yesterday 06:47 don't feel sorry for my dc they never go without

How many DC do you have as you say ‘They’

You mention that you are able to borrow from you family, they must realize that you are having problems. Would they open their doors to you and their DGC, it would allow you to get things straight head and money wise as your partner is not supporting you nor your DC. Then go to CAB to see what they suggest you can claim for.
Do not marry your DP under any circumstances, things WILL not get better. He has lied to you.

I hadn't seen anyone mention a gambling addiction which was what I immediately thought was his problem and posted as such and then I saw yours post and a couple of others also have mentioned it...the OP said that she was probably naive when she got together with him even though she knew he was in debt well, I think she's being even more naive and gullible now! 🙄It's as plain as day that he's got a problem, encouraged by his feckless parents by the sound of it!! God, at 75 when I see what BS some women put up with it makes me furious and soooo frustrated that they just can't see the wood for the trees!! OP's guy sounds defensive and not in the least bit interested in changing so ideally OP needs to step back and take a long long hard look at what her future with this blood sucking man-baby would be like! 😱 As for marrying him...if she does this she's doomed and he might also very quickly change if and when they ever get to live somewhere away from parents as it's a fact that gamblers are very moody and often take it out on those closest too them when they are losing...I know this because I am the daughter of a compulsive gambler and had my childhood ruined by it 😡 I had to watch my poor Mum bear the brunt of his temper and I fear for the OP and all women in the same situation and there must be a lot of them as it's so easy to gamble these days...lets face it there's nothing the industry likes more than an addict?! 🙄

Cariadm, you are so right in everything you say and I too have been close to someone with a gambling addiction and this guy seems to be a textbook case.
The other thing I would say is although this guy's actions are despicable without the addiction he would probably be a nice person. I think of "the addiction" as a devil on the shoulder, it cares for nobody else apart from feeding and satisfying itself, it will make you lie and cheat to anyone and everyone, it has no shame or remorse and it will suck the true personality out of the host.
Unfortunately the OP and parents are enablers, they are feeding the addiction with money and naviety and until this stops and he hits rock bottom or has a light bulb moment he will never change and the pattern will continue.
He needs to then realise that he really is a compulsive gambler, come totally clean with his trail of hidden debts and mess and realise that even if he won a million he would gamble it all away plus more, a compulsive gambler will always be a compulsive gambler even when/if they abstain for for the rest of their lives, the person has to recognise that and take measures to keep it under wraps. I would urge the OP that until this happens to back away and protect herself and child.

My advice for the OP is, whatever you do,
DON'T MARRY HIM!
You'll see from my personal experience, why you shouldn't…

I've been in a horrible financial situation for the past 30 years because of my ex-h.
When we met, I had a 4yr old child from previous relationship (whose father never paid a penny in maintenance). I earned about the same as my partner but was expected to contribute ⅔ of household finances because of my child, which I originally accepted.
We got engaged, I bought my ring (£650 in 1994), he never gave me a penny towards it.
We married, I paid about 80% of the £6k the wedding cost.
We went on to have a child together.
He gave up work 3 months before child was born, and has never worked since (child now 27).
When our child was almost 2, I'd had enough, and left him (took the kids with me).
It took just over 2 years for the divorce to go through, but in the meantime, he accrued around £45k of debt, and refused to pay any of it.
Because we were still legally married (despite being legally separated), his creditors came after me for payment of those debts. I tried to say no, but was informed that whilst we were still married, his debts were my debts, and I was forced to make repayments.
When the divorce came through, I went back to the creditors to say that we were now divorced, so I wouldn't be making any further payments, and they should go back to him for money, but I was told that as soon as I'd made the first payment, the debts were now legally mine, and they wouldn't be asking my ex to pay them because they could legally pursue me for them.
I've never received a single penny towards these debts from my ex, nor did he ever give me a penny in child maintenance for our joint child.
I'm also disabled, and had to give up work 12 years ago, so I spent 13 years on a rubbish wage, raising my kids on my own, then more recently, living on benefits.
Those debts have absolutely crippled me financially (never mind what they've done to my mental state all these years).
Fortunately, a couple of years ago, I was able to finish paying my mortgage, and have been paying extra off those debts and building a little bit of savings.
Then, literally 2 weeks ago, I was able to talk to the last two creditors and asked them for settlement figures on their accounts. It's taken all of my savings but I've just paid them both off.
So I'm now, finally free of my ex-h and his debts. It's taken 25 years, but I can now breathe more easily, knowing I can move forward with my life, with no-one chasing me for anything to do with him.

My ex did this to me and I ended up £11k in debt because of him. I ended it and paid it off, even though I was then paying all the rent myself. I’d had enough of being someone else’s cash point.

@Reigateforever

How many DC do you have as you say ‘They’

People may say 'they' even when referring to only one child/person, asa way of not divulging gender, so it's pissible that there is only one child in the OP's life, not that it matters how many, even one child in this situation isn't fair, as you'll see from my own experience above, I had 2, and I know they didn't get a much as I would have wanted them to have, all because of my ex's debts.

@Rainbow1901 has hit the nail on the head. Talks will only be productive if he engages with you fully and understands fully how the situation is making you feel. You have to paint the stark picture and if he doesn't like it then it's time to move on. There WILL be help if you need it.
Don't be afraid of polite confrontation. He needs to grasp the nettle and you have to make him see that he's eroding your relationship. Once trust has gone you have nothing.
Wishing you luck and strength to get through to a brighter future.

@Harmonypus you sound really strong. You fought your way out in the end!

If he's cut all his payments back to £1 a month each and he brings home £2000 whilst you earn £500, why the hell are you helping him with money? He doesn't have over 1,500 companies that he owes money to and hence he now has less money than you each month.

Why are his £1 a month debts stopping him from paying for things?

You live with family. He should be OK financially.

There's something else going on here!

OMG do NOT take out a credit card in your name for his debts.

Do you honestly think his attitiude to money and debt will change after all these years?

No. So leave. Anywhere else you'll be better off.

@BastetsWhiskers

@Harmonypus you sound really strong. You fought your way out in the end!

Thank you, I had to be for my kids.

So many people just don't realise that they can end up responsible for their spouse's debts, regardless of when they've accrued those debts. It's totally unfair.

OP - I just want to echo pp. Something else is going on here.
I don't believe he's being paid in advance, I don't believe his repayments are only£1 .
On a £2k salary he could pay £10k debt (yeah right) off within a year.
He gets annoyed when you bring it up because he's feeling guilty and scared of being found out.
Wishing you all the best, OP.

Almost always going into serious debt is a life choice unless you get scammed and lose your money to a third party.

There is no such thing as 'someone who is bad with money' just people who choose to spend extravagantly and wastefully.

Generally these folk rarely change that pattern and certainly not if they can hook up with someone who can fund them.

Try and look at the situation honestly, only you can judge if you should stay with him but no one here can tell you it will ever be 'ok'

@Harmonypus it is unfair, some people act unethically.

It can feel insurmountable at the time so it was good to read a positive story.

OP you sound exhausted and worried, something is not right here

Oh I could not live like this. It’s already killing your relationship. Why can’t he improve his situation? Can he get a better paying job? He’s taken all you have: don’t let him take your best years too.

I’d ask him to move out. You can parent and be happier without him.

@VestaTilley

I’d ask him to move out. You can parent and be happier without him.

She can't, they're living with HIS parents

@supersop60
For about 27 years I personally knew a couple who relied on their state pension. The husband liked people to think he had more than they really had so bought a second hand Merc, flashed a gold Dunhill lighter (yeah ..sad isn't it?) and talked down to his wife and most other people all the while living in rented accomodation and being bankrupt.
He laughed about it and happily wrote out 3 cheques every month for £1 each to his creditors, all the while running an unlicenced BnB which sold alcohol to residents.
I know these facts as I had been with him when he banked hundreds of pounds weekly. The DWP and HMRC wouldn't believe me even though I had proof, was with him when he banked money and saw him write the cheques. He even, on occasion, asked me to bank money but I declined. His car was never taxed or MOT'd either.
He lived a lie.

If he's bankrupt why is he paying the debts? The whole point of going bankrupt is not to pay them.

It doesn't make sense.🤔

@Zebedee55 i was thinking the exact same

@Harmonypus that is such an appalling situation! I am so glad to hear you are rid of his debt now. He must be absolutely devoid of any humanity to allow you to carry his debt all these years.

Get on to the local housing register, get on and make sure you know what income/benefits you could have if you left and lived alone. Speak to your family for help leaving. I think your aim needs to be to separate from this man. If I were you I’d set up a secret savings account too and start squirrelling away money. Get as much out of him as you can in the meantime and keep your own finances as separate as possible.

I presume his wife knew and colluded???
It makes me go hot and cold.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Any debt he accrues then becomes your shared liability, and this extends to any debt he has since the start of your relationship. Do not do this to yourself and your child.