His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Is OP still here? Definitely don't marry him. It sounds like he is completely awful with money and has no need to change, so you are going to have to take control and be very firm about it.

When he earns 2k a month before tax and his debts are around 10k, yes it sounds bad but it is VERY VERY doable to pay them off and fast. Especially when living with parents! He is being absolutely ridiculous reducing them to the minimum payment, that is a TERRIBLE idea because the interest on the debt will be more than what he is paying in every month and the debt will go up even if he doesn't spend another penny.

He is using his money so selfishly, it's quite disgusting that he doesn't even spend on his own child. Is it at all possible for you to start to earn more? I understand that you are probably part time and it isn't fair because he is the one being useless, but if he wont co-operate it might be your only option to start putting together savings and have more options to leave if you need to. You need at least some money of your own that you are fully in control over. Can you cut back a little bit on some of your monthly spending? (I know, unfair, but long term you will be so much better off! Your child will understand)

@LaDamaDeElche

@Endlesssummer2022 don't feel sorry for my dc they never go without. Also didn't come on here to moan but just because I've not left him as soon as you all say go doesn't mean im doing nothing. I live with HIS family and have no where to go on my end.

Thank you 🙏 I clearly need glasses. Read the OP's posts twice 😅

How old are yous?
When I was younger i was stupid and got into a lot of debt (including debt i stupidly took on with an ex). Me and my partner have been together 8 years and both work. I'm paying off my debt still and do not expect him to help me pay it, but he does contribute to other things where I cannot because I'm paying this stuff off. We live with my parents as we cannot afford to move out, and we have a daughter. Although I could not really afford a kid, we were told that if I wanted kids I needed to have them soon as although I'm young, my biological clock was a lot older than me.
There will be and end to this debt, and I imagine he doesn't like the fact you are paying. Did he gamble with stocks hoping to make a profit? I understand if he did, he was problably looking for an easier quick solution and didn't want to see the negatives. I've also done this.
Although I am confused, who proposed to who? And why? I know me and him are not getting married anytime soon as we cannot afford it.
I think you do need a sit down and work out all his debts and see how long it's realistically going to take to pay it all off.

He's a knob, leave him for your future security and your child's.

Took the words right off the ends of my fingers!! OP obviously very little or no respect for DP nor does he deserve any by the sound of it? In my world without respect love withers and dies and without either she has no real relationship, she just has two dependents/children? I think she probably knows this but reading between the lines he sounds also quite domineering and defensive so she is possibly a little apprehensive of raising the subject of ending things, especially if they are living with HIS parents?! Tricky and sad situation that many women are probably living with...😥

It’s on page 11

omg when I had my same situation I did everything I could to get back on track myself. I finally managed it after a long time and about 3 years of weekends and holidays spent doing all the hours I possibly could. From what I can see, it doesn’t look like he’s making much effort to do everything he can to make things better for you all. If I was in your situation I would leave but I’m not in your situation but have sympathy for you.

@Lidale if he’s laying minimum payments to debts and earning £2k or more and says he owes under £10k but is always skint… come on!!! He’s bullshitting you.

he’s either spending it on gambling, porn or substances or has a lot more outgoings then he’s letting on.

get him to do a free credit history check with credit karma and he has to show you.

do one for yourself as well to make sure he’s not taken out cards or credit in your name.

I’d be asking for access to his bank account so you can see where it’s going.

I’d be creating a joint family budget showing both your income and expenditures (and his debts) so you know what you should be able to afford.

I’d also be insisting he pays for more. He covers the bills and cost of his child first. What’s left goes towards his debts.

he’s absolutely bullshitting you with this. I wouldn’t be getting deeper financially involved or connected with this man as it will start (already has) impacting your financial
status and disposable income.

£10k debt or less, live with your parents….should be Abel to pay off at least £1k a month and be debt clear in 12 months easily… something he’s telling you still don’t true, but I don’t think you need us to tell you this.

His parents are irresponsible with money and he grew up with no direction when it came to managing money.

personally I think you need it all out in the table, you need to be privy to all his financial affairs so you can work out a way forward, if he’s not prepared to be open honest and provide access to that you have no future, that’s the bottom line.

Please don't think I'm being rude- but you've used the word 'gamble' quite a few times in your replies. Do you think he could have a gambling problem? If so nothing will change without him getting treatment. Whos parents do you live with? Have you had some advice on benefits as for 500 per month you would likely be eligible for top ups of uc etc.

If he owed more than £5k he could declare himself bankrupt.

*owes

You don't explain how he ended up with so much debt, but you made the decision to be with him, on top of which you say he still makes stupid decisions that made the situation worse. Your not married so there is nothing stopping you from walking now....... in fact you probably should!
How do you know its going to be any better once you do get married.

OP, from reading nearly every page of your thread I can see all the signs that he is probably spread betting which a gambler will class as investing.
This is really easily solved, DEMAND to see his bank account and credit card statements, if he gets nasty, defensive, blames you, makes all the excuses under the sun keep calm and continue to demand to see them.
If he continues to deny you access this will be 100% because he does not want you to see the multiple withdrawals on the statements and you definitely need to leave. If he does show you take a note of any same name regular withdrawals and look them up in Google as spread betting firms will often put an innocent reference name against them.
If there are payments going out to clear off credit cards, DEMAND to see those CC statements and look for the same patterns.
Other things to look for:
Is he constantly on his phone/laptop positioned away from your view
Up and down mood swings
Always got a story on how things will get better
Doesn't want you to see letters/email etc
Arguing with family and friends
Bouts of remorse.

You need to protect yourself and little one. Please take control of the situation x

Your only way to end this, is to leave. My husband is the same. Gets into debt, I help pay it off (by paying the bills and letting him use his money to clear his debts). 2 years down the line he is in debt again. He is rubbish with money and I,know now will never learn or change. I see where your coming from. My kids and I miss out because of him. I never have any money because I take the brunt of the bills. Wish I had left the first time he did this. Its not so easy to leave, because we are married and the savings I have managed to save, he will get half off. The house, on which I have paid the morgage for years and paid to have it renovated, he will get half of. The best I got do was have a seperate bank and savings account. Dont marry him, that way financally you wont owe him anything when you split, and keep your finances separetely. Have your own bank account, and never get a morgage together. Good luck

An IVA or similar to clear his debt is potentially your only option, if you want to get everything cleared sooner than just paying every month & honestly if things are that bad I would seriously consider the option.

If the debt was his from before you got to gather why are you paying any of it?
Even if myself & my partner could afford to live together I’d still pay my debts & him his then we’d spilt the house bills/costs.
If either of use was struggling we’d have to renegotiate our repayments on our debts or possibly borrow from the other BUT that money would be replayed asap!

Sorry to say but there are all sorts of red flags coming up for me on this one & the main ones are that he seems to be taking you for a financial ride while gaslighting you & treating you like you are below him despite the fact that financially it sounds like you are the reason your are managing financially!!

Stop paying any of his debts & let him get on with sorting them himself, like every other adult does!

Oh dear...it has to be said although nobody else seems to have picked up on it that all the signs point to your DP having a gambling problem and has chosen to disguise this by talking about making bad decisions buying stocks and shares etc which of course sounds much more 'respectable' but it's just gambling by another name! Everything you're describing points to text book gambling addiction, his lying, procrastination, refusal to take responsibility for his own child, having no shame when he constantly asks his parents (and you!) to bail him out and the fact that he doesn't appear to be handling his money any better now than he has been doing absolutely confirms it for me...I'm sorry you've been caught up in this and yes, you were naive, but haven't we all been there, done that at some point?! There is NO EASY OPTION but there is no future in this relationship and I speak from experience...My father was a compulsive gambler and my and my younger brother's childhoods were dominated by this...he was a terrible father (not a Dad) and an unpredictable nasty husband... Your child will not suffer at all from the lack of DP's presence believe me as by the sound of it he doesn't intend to face up to his problems so you have to face up to it, you have to leave, you have to be strong and resolute, the very fact that his parents sound cut from the same cloth and will always be on his side is NOT in your favour either so go and do it ASAP!!! 😢😱

Hmmmm...

He is earning £2000 a month, you live with parents, you pay nearly everything and yet he still has massive debts?!? Something smells of bullshit!

I would be asking to see his bank statements for his personal accounts or thr relationship is over. Bet you anything he is spending money on some sort of gambling or similar!

I’m so sorry OP.

I honestly think this is not fixable and you need to leave.

He is a liar. He is taking your money.

OP it's abundantly clear that your DP has an active gambling problem and is gambling away his income every month. You would be a fool to marry this man. He will always always make your life a financial struggle. Just get out now before you end up getting further messed up into his financial affairs (eg taking out credit in your name to pay his debts).

Ok op, if you both want to move forward and stay in this relationship, you really need to get on top of this debt, which is pretty much a joint debt now as far as I can see. To do that, you both need to be completely transparent about your finances. He needs to show you his exact debt, get it all together in one account and show clearly where his earnings go. How much towards the debt & how how much towards other things. You also do the same. You need to see this debt going down if he is telling you the majority of his income goes on it. Problem is, I don’t think he’s being completely honest with you and it does seem like he is in cloud cuckoo land with gambling and getting rich schemes. He doesn’t have the money to gamble, he needs to prioritise paying off the debt, stick to it, and then you can plan a future. You should be able to work out how long it will take to clear the debt too. I also think he needs some counselling help with money. Some people do not know how to save or manage money, they’ve never been taught or never had to learn because there is always someone there to bail them out. Stop being that person. Expect him to contribute equally to bills and your child. You need to tell him you can’t just keep going on like this without not knowing when it will ever end. If he can’t be honest and transparent with you, then I would really start planning your exit. Goodluck.

Could he be bipolar?
The get rich quick ideas, the complete unawareness of his spending, the down playing is situation, the hiding the true story of his finances from you before things got serious but then still not really disclosing everything.
Amongst many other situations you are saying (read all your posts in this thread ), it really does sound like it.

If that's the case.... I'm sorry to say, but he (you) will never be debt free.

Unfortunately, he's in charge of his money..you have no idea of his true spending. You've not seen a bank statement of his.

He could potentially have more cards /credit cards he's taken out without your knowledge.

Whilst you are in the dark with all this... You are gonna have to accept (if you choose without proper help) you will be in for a very hard, mental draining, frustrating and difficult journey for the time you are with him.

You need to speak to a Dr, debt management... And more so to... get his full financial credit score sent to you.
If he doesn't go along with the full financial credit request (he has to do it obviously), then... If it were me. I'd panic.

if your OH is now bankrupt how can he still have debts?

This exact situation happened to me and I am only just out of it a year from separating, it didn’t get any better, only worse. Look up Gamblers anonymous and/or Debtors anonymous, sounds like this could be an issue and he won’t change whilst in denial so you can only save yourself. Be strong there is lots of hope :-) you deserve so much more.