AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

My exact thoughts.

To be honest, Op, it’s a hassle to go to a wedding. It’s an expense and a chunk of time and effort for the guests even if they don’t give a gift. Outfit, childcare, makeup and hair and nails having to look presentable, transportation even if in same city, some cities are big and it takes time to get from one end to the other, the whole day and evening, hours and hours in pinching shoes and uncomfortably formal clothes, waiting for the ceremony to start, waiting for the ceremony to end, waiting for the reception to start, waiting for the reception to end….

That’s why traditionally the guests have always been “paid” to attend with a five course dinner, gorgeous cake with delectable layers, drinks and dancing in exchange for their attendance (and yes usually a gift but nowadays meh!) to make the whole exhausting thing worth it. Nobody loves the idea of weddings more than me, and I love everything about it, the dress, the cake, the flowers, the sacrament itself, everything but the actual attending 😄 just because it seems to take so many hours. My own wedding and reception party included. My cheeks were sore for days afterward from smiling so much in one day. At the end of it all, I was so relieved to be driving away with my husband to our honeymoon destination far far away from people, people I loved yet people I was ready to get away from 😂 and probably they felt the same about us 😉😅

Be thankful they came and supported you. Think of it this way, it will be that many fewer thank you cards you’ll have to write on your new stationery embossed with your married name, stationery that you’ll never set your eyes on again but stuff in a drawer haha. The mountain of thank you cards to write, be glad you won’t have as many.

And congratulations! Best wishes for a wonderful and fruitful marriage ❤️

When we got married ( about 10 years ago) we specified no gifts but said we'd love everyone to sign our guest book and add a card to our folder as a reminder of the day for us.
The people who did sign the guest book were the same people who brought a card and/or a gift.
A goodly proportion did none of them, which was disappointing.

We asked for no gifts or cash and were roundly ignored and ended up with tons of cards with cash. It was appreciated but wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest if people hadn’t done so - I didn’t want people to feel they had to spend a fortune on my wedding, I was happy for them just to come and celebrate.

I've never seen a wedding invitation with 'your presence is enough' or similar message stating they're not fussed about gifts. I've only ever used that phrase myself for party invitations when moving house and really really didn't want more stuff.

I'd probably stress out trying to second guess whether they really wanted something or not!

I've already had to fork out serious money for a themed outfit, travel, overnight hen etc to accommodate the couples' fancies that would sway my decision.

*If I've already forked out...

'your presence is enough....'

Sorry, but I would read that as "present and/or card NOT required."

Wow. Ask people not to bring gifts then add info about the gifts you actually want then somehow link how much you spent on your wedding to gifts given then start a thread on mumsnet accusing your friends and family of being rude.

Classy.

Logic, op, you told basically told them no gifts

OP, it’s a bit silly to write “your presence is your present,” and then get annoyed about lack of gifts. Some people may have interpreted this to mean that you actively don’t want gifts because you are trying to avoid clutter, prefer to choose your own stuff, or are about to move and want to minimize the amount of stuff you have to drag to the new place.

Honestly, though, this is why I prefer the East Asian practice of giving money; the couple can put it towards a property or holiday and it’s a lot easier all round.

Something else I would add is that giving mixed signals on gifts can really embarrass your guests. Some people will have turned up with a gift, seen others with no gift, and thought “Oh dear, am I burdening the couple with clutter? Should I have read between the lines differently?” Other people will turn up with no gift, see others giving gifts, and feel mortified: “Oh no, it WAS a gift-giving event after all! Now I feel awful; I obviously should have brought something.”

I think it’s fine to have gifts or no-gifts at any type of event, but you need to communicate really clearly, otherwise you can create a lot of bad feelings at an event that is supposed to be a happy time.

So basically you wrote you didn't want presents so you didn't get them

And will the 'they are not short of money' (the idea even if different words used) type thing ever end, that is probably the bit I think it rudest assuming anything

I wanted people at our wedding I did not give a second thought of who gave money/presents or not regardless of what was spent or even cards, that much thought is money grabbing no matter how it is dressed up

I love weddings. I recently travelled hundreds of miles very inconveniently to go to one. I love dancing and drinking and eating and celebrating love.

What I don't like is all the PA bollocks and petty sniping. Asking for money is twattish. If you don't want presents, and I didn't, say so and mean it. If you do, great, post a gift registry.

Pretending you don't want gifts to look nice while secretly expecting them is far worse than turning up without when you've been told not to. And asking for cash is awful. People can give you cash but asking for it is like charging admission.

Well said.

Don't write "your presence is enough" if you meant "your presents are enough" in future.

You can't say your presence is enough then moan it's not.

If you said no gifts on the invite then of course they didn't bring any! Why did you write that if you wanted presents?

I think your presence is enough does make it complicated @Wildswimming2022 many would take that literally though really poor form to not even bring a card.

I will say the last two weddings I went to there was not a thank you card nor mention of the gift ever. Both had registries and we purchased several things for both, probably spending 75/100. The most recent one I never heard from until the baby shower and that was an e-invite over FB followed by an 'oh ya, thanks for the wedding gifts'. This was a year later.

I do think manners have slipped massively - both those giving & those receiving. It's unfortunate.

Hmmmmm, you did say “Your presence is enough…”

Good friends of mine added after this the names and websites of a couple of charities they supported. So we donated in their name.

We had a destination wedding. We said no gifts and we meant it. We didn't need anything. People had spent enough. People had travelled. We were honoured that they did that for us.

Maybe I'm just old and curmudgeonly, but under those circumstances I just wouldn't go! I'd send a card saying hope they have a lovely wedding with some cash or a voucher in it.

I think this is an unreasonable expectation of anyone, and if the expectation is unreasonable then I have no qualms in rejecting it! Just say no, take your kids somewhere nice instead.

Im interested by what people consider to be ‘token gifts’. If someone said no gifts, and theyve been living together, id assume already set up and no gifts meant they didnt want a house full of things they didnt need it want. 50 random token gifts would, i believe, be unwelcome in such a case.

Oh dear, I would have taken “your presence is enough” literally 😳

and if there then was a link to gift list, I’d have thought that was for family who like/insist on traditional gifts for the house

maybe you should have left that sentence off?

The last 2 weddings I attended did not say anything in the invite about gifts. However they were both in Ireland and I was told it was expected to give a cash gift so I went along with it and put the cash inside a card.

Incidentally, I did not enjoy either! I don’t think it’s a privilege to be invited, more an obligation to attend and pay for the privilege. In our case over £1000 (family of 4) for accommodation, clothing and travel. We gave €200 to each couple which we were told was mean (family wedding, DH nieces).

If you say you don’t expect a present - then frankly don’t be surprised when you don’t even get a card.

I often forget a card.

Gift is ordered online ages in advance but the card I have to remember to buy and then write and take along on the day.

(Unless it's evening invite and I do £20 voucher in a card)

Also cards are awkward-when do you give them to the couple in the day? Usually No safe place to leave then to prevent them being nicked.