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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

253 replies

Wildswimming2022 · 15/06/2023 17:04

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

OP posts:
LifeIsPainHighness · 15/06/2023 21:40

redskytwonight · 15/06/2023 21:37

I really wish wedding gifts were a thing of the past. In the last wedding gifts would be household items because the B&G would be living together for the first time after the wedding. They were also smaller affairs.

I wish that gifts were something that you freely gave to someone because you wanted to and not just because they were "expected".

I know a couple of people who married during the Covid restrictions and had to pare down original plans for much larger weddings. They both said how much they had enjoyed the more intimate setting and felt it made the wedding much more special. I was hoping this might have spurred on a trend for smaller weddings but sadly it seems not.

I wonder when the CoL issues start to bite more, we'll see changes.

Indeed, there’s a real lack of sensitivity around expectations of people these days and complete blinkers on when it comes to what other people may or may not have.

traintraveller · 15/06/2023 21:41

I would never attend a wedding or reception without a card and gift but this is one of the many subjects that I'm in the minority on mumsnet. MN hates weddings, hates gift lists, hates poems asking for money, hates weddings expecting people to travel more than 5 miles. This is the wrong place to ask your question OP but I agree.

Spirallingdownwards · 15/06/2023 21:43

"Your presence is enough...." I would take that as we have been living together for ages and don't need any more random crap foisted upon us

BelleMarionette · 15/06/2023 21:49

You say you got married recently, so maybe the gifts are in the post?

Otherwise, yes, it is extremely rude. I thought it's basic etiquette to bring something for your hosts, whatever the situation.

Bunbuns3 · 15/06/2023 21:52

In the traditional sense, yes it would be extremely rude not to bring a gift or a card, however modern weddings have lost almost all sense of tradition.

It would never have been traditional to post links to gift lists and honeymoon funds. Yes that is grabby.

It also would not be traditional to print "your presence is enough" on a wedding invite. It is definitely giving out mixed signals.

TunnocksOrDeath · 15/06/2023 21:54

Not taking a card is just rude. But if you did say you didn't expect gifts, with everything else that's happening right now, its not surprising that a lot of people didn't.
Don't listen to people who tell you gift lists are "grabby", with no idea of what you put on it. We had a gift list - nothing on it was over £25, cheapest item £2.50. (In 2016). So the people who did want to buy us something gave us things we like and are actually using, and for which we are extremely grateful, rather effectively wasting their money on stuff we didn't need/want.

Flossflower · 15/06/2023 22:08

Are you sure that nothing was stolen by staff at the wedding. Some people put cheques or cash in with their cards. Staff at wedding receptions know this.

LifeIsPainHighness · 15/06/2023 22:13

Flossflower · 15/06/2023 22:08

Are you sure that nothing was stolen by staff at the wedding. Some people put cheques or cash in with their cards. Staff at wedding receptions know this.

This sadly happened to my friend at their venue, who did fuck all about it. They wondered where all the cards they knew they’d received had gone

Busybutbored · 15/06/2023 22:14

You said you didn't want a gift, so you didn't get a gift. I now genuinely don't want any more 'stuff', and I wouldn't ask for money as we are what some might call well off. So these people probably presumed you meant the same. YABVU

Busybutbored · 15/06/2023 22:15

TunnocksOrDeath · 15/06/2023 21:54

Not taking a card is just rude. But if you did say you didn't expect gifts, with everything else that's happening right now, its not surprising that a lot of people didn't.
Don't listen to people who tell you gift lists are "grabby", with no idea of what you put on it. We had a gift list - nothing on it was over £25, cheapest item £2.50. (In 2016). So the people who did want to buy us something gave us things we like and are actually using, and for which we are extremely grateful, rather effectively wasting their money on stuff we didn't need/want.

This

Irked · 15/06/2023 22:28

You are not being unreasonable to think it is conventional to get a card/girft, but you are being unreasonable if you haven't factored in the expenses your guests are having to pay for already. For my friend's wedding, I'm spending almost £600 on the hotel, travel, hair & makeup, shoes, dress alterations and the hen party. I'm in my 40s now so most friends are married or unlikely to marry so this'll probably be the only wedding I attend this year. 10 years ago, I had 6 weddings in one summer - luckily most were local (& therefore not as expensive to attend!)

Yes, I will get them a present and card because that is conventional/expected, and it is a close friend I have known for 30+ years but to be perfectly honest I do slightly begrudge it because a lot of the expenses are due to the couple choosing to get married far away from where we all live. I'm a single parent to 2 DCs and would have preferred to spend the money on a holiday with my children rather than having to drive across the country and back for the wedding weekend and pay out for an expensive hotel.

Lemonfizzy · 15/06/2023 22:30

Traditionally, you bring a gift/card to a wedding. But lots of guests don't, not sure if this is a recent thing? BIL (29) was just saying the other day after going to a wedding that he had absolutely no idea you're meant to take anything. Several years ago I went to my ex's stepbrother's wedding (they had a close relationship), and my ex hadn't thought about a gift or card at all. I ended up getting a card from a petrol station on the way and stuffed some cash for their honeymoon into it.

I'm guessing years ago you were more likely to have a local wedding, with more local guests? It didn't cost as much to attend? I went to a wedding last summer where the cheapest drinks were £10-12 each!

Also I think people's attitudes towards weddings have shifted? People seem to treat them like they're a chore to attend rather than being delighted to have been invited.

8misskitty8 · 15/06/2023 22:33

A friend of mine did this. Not even a card from her. She came to the wedding all day with her partner as well.

woodhill · 15/06/2023 22:34

Extremely rude

Yanbu

Wasley · 15/06/2023 22:52

I'm not being nasty but most people unless they are close relatives of the bride and groom just see it as a nice day out or a fee meal . I personally think it's rude not to bring a card , but people go online now to give their best wishes . I think cards will
Slowly die out .

Wasley · 15/06/2023 22:54

Flossflower · 15/06/2023 22:08

Are you sure that nothing was stolen by staff at the wedding. Some people put cheques or cash in with their cards. Staff at wedding receptions know this.

That's why at some weddings there is like a sealed Mini posting box to put cards in

Alaimo · 15/06/2023 23:15

You said no gifts required, I don't blame people for taking that literally. I requested no presents at my wedding. Quite a few people did feel the need to bring a 'token' gift. The wine and whisky were appreciated, pretty much everything else went straight to the charity shop because I had no use for it. Such a waste of people's effort and money.

MysteryBelle · 15/06/2023 23:29

I was surprised to read somewhere years ago in one of those etiquette books that a guest has one year after the wedding to give a gift. I hope I’m recalling that right but it was so strange I’ve always remembered it.

So perhaps they’ve been busy and are planning on sending a gift and card soon. Or, they are going through a tough time right now that you’re not aware of and can’t afford it so we’re grateful that you specified that only their presence was wanted. Or, they simply took what you’d written at face value. Another possibility is that these guests have had to attend other weddings recently and can’t spend the money.

You say that many of the guests didn’t give gifts. Either they think you’re well off or they truly thought you meant it when you said their presence is enough, that means to not bring gifts, in my mind.

You basically said you only want their presence not gifts. Even though you put links, you wrote their presence is enough.

They did what you said.

MysteryBelle · 15/06/2023 23:32

So their presence wasn’t enough, Op? I’m sorry, I can’t resist, it is rude of them but on the other hand, they did what you said 😅

TheChosenTwo · 15/06/2023 23:32

I think it’s poor form to not take a card if nothing else but for a nice keepsake!
and that’s from me who hates cards and doesn’t ever display a Christmas card 😂
I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed and always happy with a gift list but happier with a request for cash, easy peasy and requires absolutely no thought which is most welcome while we are trying to organise outfits, hotels, travel etc. money for the card is easily sorted!

Opaque11 · 15/06/2023 23:37

I think presents have had it's day. Weddings are such a costly affair these days - outfits, travel, babysitters etc. it's really not that simply done as it was back then. People are forking out to celebrate your day- that's present enough. You're surprised that people have done that but it just proves that things have changed. I even think cards are dead now. I haven't received or sent cards in a very long time.

Opaque11 · 15/06/2023 23:40

Wildswimming2022 · 15/06/2023 17:22

The presence thing was more because there was a handful of people we knew would have to travel or might struggle to give anything, so we didn't want those people to feel bad and really wanted them to be there. But really it's the lack of even a card from a significant number of people that I find very surprising.

Yes but they saw you and congratulated you so why would you need cards only to be chucked away somewhere. Again, times have changed and the amount of people who haven't given you proves this.

Orders76 · 15/06/2023 23:43

I don't know how you can accept an invite and not budget in for a gift?
I've gone to weddings where I had 100 available, or 200 for a gift. If I didn't have that I would probably decline and send a much smaller token of affection.

Orders76 · 15/06/2023 23:45

Bit also in a COL crisis, adding that wording may indicate you really don't want a gift.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/06/2023 23:46

LittleRobin01 · 15/06/2023 17:27

More people are environmentally conscious these days and don’t want to waste their money on a present especially when you explicitly said you didn’t want one.

Oh yeah, that's what it is, they're so environmentally conscious they don't believe in presents 🙄. For all the reasons for tightness, that's one of the worst because it implies you're a good person for giving nothing, talk about a win-win.