To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

And all the nonsense about telling trade secrets, sharing friends affairs, talking about colleagues’ secrets…. Is just not relevant.

The above…. Unreasonable to share as your partner is either wholly unconnected to the person in question OR it’s illegal

This scenario is very much firmly putting the SIL slap bang in between two brothers, one being her husband

-and I remain confused why the op and her dh was so sure SIL would not tell a soul but OMG OMG OMG the brother now knows so shit shit shit “our hand has been forced” assarrrrggghhh

@sandyhappypeople "The key difference being if he found out later somewhere else and found out I already knew about it he wouldn't be bothered by it because it doesn't have any bearing on him or our relationship in anyway."

And as I said-if he's bothered by the fact that you kept a friend's confidence by not telling him then he's a controlling dick. And I don't use the word controlling lightly.

Still no suggestions about what point in a relationship this automatic sharing thing kicks in....

I don't think it was fair to expect her to keep this a secret from her partner.

She didn't agree to keep your secret and was open when you asked her to.

Honestly, you are blaming her totally unfairly.

Because it’s a bloody stupid question

no one, absolutely no one has said or even implied that there is a specific point in a relationship where this happens to those couples that share secrets

get over it 😂

I don't think it was fair to expect her to keep this a secret from her partner.

So you're saying that a pregnant woman and her partner don't have the right to tell members of their family at a time of their own choice? That someone's relationship with their husband is more important than a pregnant woman's right to give her news when she wants to and to who she wants?

Let's be clear about this. Anyone saying 'of course SIL has the right to tell her husband something told to her in confidence' is saying that a pregnant woman has no right to the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news.

Of course this would be a whole different thread of it was the MIL who spilled the beans🙄

I'm not sure why you're labouring this point, how long is a piece of string, which came first the chicken or the egg, when should you start blabbing your friend's secrets? It's unanswerable.

I'm just going to politely agree to disagree on this one. If it was the other way around and my husband kept a secret like that from me about my own sister/brother I would understand the reasons behind it but I would wonder why I wasn't trusted with it and other people had been specifically told not to tell me, I'm not going to lie, I would feel a bit hurt by it.

It doesn't make me a controlling dick.

Before I make decisions with regards to my DH, I ALWAYS swap the scenarios in my mind to see how I would feel if the situations were reversed, it's only fair.

I think the fact that everyone keeps saying she's a 'friend' when she's actually her SIL has clouded the waters on the topic tbh, if she was just a friend to me I wouldn't have a problem not disclosing that information to my DH as it has no bearing on him at all, but not when it pertains to one of his family members.

Exactly but I think @CurlewKate thinks she’s nailed a cutting an incisive and relevant question

when in fact… no one is answering it because it’s plain daft!

She knows it's impossible to answer sensibly. Just as the whole "I can't possibly not share my friends confidences with my hubby because we're SO much more happily married than you" is not remotely sensible or logical.

That's why she asked it. No-one can answer it because it's a totally illogical premise in the first place. Confidences are confidences. There is no hierarchy of people that you simply HAVE to blab to.

I have to admit this is my thinking - everyone is ignoring the family and the family politics.

The fact SIL as so swift and decisive with no I don't keep secretes does suggest some bitter experience with family game playing with secret keeping and loyalty testing - to me at least or maybe the Op is just very naive - and just never considered the situation from anyone else's point of view in the family and has sadly learnt a painful lesson.

So you're saying that a pregnant woman and her partner don't have the right to tell members of their family at a time of their own choice?

Of course they have that right, but why tell a wife but not the husband? You're asking someone to bear the burden of that secret.. to what end, for what reason? What's the ultimate goal here? It's unreasonable to expect people in the same household to keep secrets from each other.

That someone's relationship with their husband is more important than a pregnant woman's right to give her news when she wants to and to who she wants?

The married couple's relationship IS more important to THEM. The pregnant women's right to give her news IS more important to HER. Can't you see how subjective it is? everyone in that equation has a different viewpoint and different priorities/loyalties. Not one person trumps everyone else automatically.

Let's be clear about this. Anyone saying 'of course SIL has the right to tell her husband something told to her in confidence' is saying that a pregnant woman has no right to the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news.

Only when it comes to the SIL's husband? At no point was it indicated they would go on to tell anyone else? So the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news was still well within their control at that point? In fairness, if the timing is really crucial and delicate it should probably be kept away from ANY family members until you're ready to break the news.

I think if you have the relationship where you never keep anything from your partner then the onus is on you to be open about that with people.

I never promise to not tell DH anything. However, everyone who knows me knows that.

They also know why (keeping secrets was one of the nasty tactics my parents used as abuse - one would tell us something, then the other would punish us for hiding it from them), they know that 99.9% of the time I don’t tell him, but they also know that not panicking at being asked to keep secrets is something I’m still working on with the therapy about my childhood.

Let's be clear about this. Anyone saying 'of course SIL has the right to tell her husband something told to her in confidence' is saying that a pregnant woman has no right to the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news.

Only when it comes to the SIL's husband?

No. When it comes to anyone. When you're asked to keep a confidence, as I said, there's no hierarchy. But a lot of mumsnetters seem to feel that their DH/DP isn't an actual person in their own right, so as part of a couple they don't count.

The reason I’m struggling, which I thought I said pretty clearly last night, is that, imagining you are my DSIL you are saying that you think your husbands feelings about and investment in my pregnancy warrant greater consideration than my own- when it’s my pregnancy.

I never promise to not tell DH anything. However, everyone who knows me knows that.

I hope you don't work anywhere where you're asked to keep anything confidential then. Or if you do, that you made that clear at interview.

I'm sorry that your earlier life has affected you this way, genuinely. But I suppose that I'm making the point that I doubt many posters here rush to tell their partners everything that happened at work. It's only juicy friend and family stuff that they feel obliged to share.

Work confidentiality doesn’t remotely impact me in the same way. I’ve never had any fear of harm at work so it doesn’t have the same impact.

And it’s nothing to do with finding things “juicy” or otherwise. I’ve easily kept confidences (that they chose to share knowing) that have been “juicy” yet panicked about utterly mundane things. It’s personal relationships that it affects.

You did say it very clearly, I completely understand that you feel that way, you're not wrong either, but unfortunately it doesn't really change anything, it's 100% subjective.

YOUR SIL's husbands feeling are more important than your feelings TO HER.

YOUR feelings about your pregnancy and when to share it are of course more important that your BILs feelings on the matter TO YOU.

Neither of those statement above are wrong in any way, it's just a difference of opinion/loyalties essentially, but you can't MAKE people change the way they feel, nor should you want to, it's best not to put people in that position in the first place if you can help it.

My problem with being told to keep 'secrets' stems from my childhood, I'd have to have a very good reason to keep secrets from the people I love the most if I think that secret may have some bearing on that person.

If the information had no bearing on my DH, I wouldn't have a problem not disclosing it, that's a different thing all together and is not the same as being asked to keep a secret.

@HandsupSue "no one, absolutely no one has said or even implied that there is a specific point in a relationship where this happens to those couples that share secrets"
I know they haven't. That's why I'm asking. Because if there isn't an answer, you can't expect confidentiality from anyone in any sort of relationship from day 1. Which is plainly stupid. So....6 months?

The reason I’m struggling, which I thought I said pretty clearly last night, is that, imagining you are my DSIL you are saying that you think your husbands feelings about and investment in my pregnancy warrant greater consideration than my own- when it’s my pregnancy.

SIl is saying you and everything to do with you is less important to her than her relationship to her husband.

It's not really that shocking or surprising - so I think you must have been imaging a closer/different relationship. I know MIL and myself have both made that mistake with our DH friends - think with time they were ours to and then bam something make it very clear what the situation is they are friendly but not our friends.

Her relationship with her husband is more important than your pg is to her - you are not her focus or priority. She is not anywhere near as invested in your pg or what you feel about it as you are.

I do get your taken aback and bit upset - but well it' clear where she now stands and all you can do is consider this in future.

I'm going to answer this one seeing as you seem so desperate!

I don't presume to think everyone feels the same, but to me, it's when you become a 'family unit' in your own right, whether that's when you get married or move in together, or declare you love each other, or have kids or whatever the piece of string is, it's not a time related thing.

In my opinion, when you prioritise that person over all your other relationships, that's when it becomes unreasonable for other people to expect you to keep secrets from them.

Maybe a simpler way of looking at it when that person becomes your Next of Kin. That's just my personal take on it!

I’m sorry you had a tricky childhood in that respect. For the other PP’s who have said similar, that sounds really rough to navigate and you have my sympathy. I would want to be understanding with a friend in that position. I’m really sure (because we’re close) that something like that isn’t a factor for DSIL though.

I agree that DSIL will, in general, very naturally, place a greater importance on her husbands feelings than on mine. Of course that’s fine.

The particular instance that I’m disputing is that her husband’s assumed feelings about my very early pregnancy symptoms should be more important than my own expressed feelings.

(As it turned out, his feelings to DH on the phone were ‘great news, congratulations, sorry Everybody’sGirl is feeling so rough.’ Hardly controversial or different than we expected.)

@sandyhappypeople
"In my opinion, when you prioritise that person over all your other relationships, that's when it becomes unreasonable for other people to expect you to keep secrets from them."

Ah. Now I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I ALWAYS prioritised one person over all my other relationships, whatever the circumstances. I honestly don't know how you can live a life like that. And I would never expect anyone else to do that for me, either.

The particular instance that I’m disputing is that her husband’s assumed feelings about my very early pregnancy symptoms should be more important than my own expressed feelings.

I'm really sorry I'm not sure I'm following? Unless you mean that you were unhappy that she'd tell her husband about the actual problems you were having (rather than just the pregnancy news)? Then yes, as much as I am against being asked to keep news like that secret from my DH, I would NOT be telling him the ins and outs of the conversation you had, because that information is private and has no bearing on him at all, there is no reason to tell him any of that, and all she has to say is 'she's told me in confidence and I don't feel comfortable disclosing any of the details'.

If you asked her to keep all the 'details' private and she refused to then she is unfortunately not a very good friend or SIL, sorry OP, that's not nice of her.

Is that what you've meant this whole time?

No, I was trying to find a way to say that we are talking about a very early pregnancy really - 7 weeks ish - and of course that doesn’t always result in a viable term pregnancy does it.

She actually didn’t specify which bits of our conversation she would be sharing so I assumed all of it.