To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

But your husband has no horse in the race when it comes to work or your friends confidences about their home life etc.. he wouldn't need to know or be affected by it in the slightest, so there would be no 'secret' to keep in that scenario.

If your husband found out you were keeping a family secret, then found out that his SIL and his brother trusted you to keep it and not him, would that bother him at all?

I think on some level that would bother my husband, so I would be uncomfortable keeping that secret and would say as much if told.

So wives that work can’t be good or loyal? 😂

@sandyhappypeople

"No horse in the race?"

Plenty of people make friends with work colleagues and some will socialise outside of work too so it's highly likely that they'll be privy to secrets that definitely need to be kept from their own partner.

As @ScaryScaffolding says, maybe they don't work or maybe they're all employed as GP receptionists??? 😂

"Op what is the cultural background? Because there must be some kind of family dynamics seeing as you’re all scared of bil finding out and panic and tell the rest of the family prematurely I am guessing you are not that stupid"

This gets more bizarre by the minute. DP and I wanted our mothers to be the first to know. If I had needed advice before we were able to tell them, I would have asked that person not to tell anyone else. Nothing "cultural" No "fear" No "panic". Just wanting the two grandmothers to be the first to know.

Oh, that's interesting. So a doctor's receptionist would be fine sharing patient details with her husband?

OP if there is a cultural context behind this then I think it’s you being unreasonable for putting your sil in that position. Maybe she doesn’t trust that you won’t blab to everyone eventually and tell them that you had told sil before everyone else leading to bil to be upset with her just the same way you’re worried about his reaction now. Maybe she doesn’t want to risk her husband and in laws pointing the finger at her while she lives with them overseas, and you know you wont need to deal with the same backlash if it happened the other way around. Something to think about. Maybe I’ve seen too many of these dramas to think you’re not as naive as you make out to be. Did you really see her as a true friend who would keep things a secret from her husband about his own nephew or neice or was this done to put her in an awkward position? So when it backfired you came straight onto mumsnet but didn’t think to do that when worried about your pregnancy? In any case it’s good to try and understand from her perspective why she feels she has to tell her husband, whilst living with the rest of the family overseas probably away from her own support network, maybe there is more to it than you’re letting on or even aware of.

@Aprilx

What does your husband's relevance or priority status have to do with your ability to retain a confidence? Does your husband require you to or expect to be included or informed of everything that you know even when it is someone else's business?

I am not asking you I’m asking OP as there are lots of things in her posts that make me wonder if there is a context, her in laws live with her sil overseas. I’m specifically interested in OP’s in laws’ background not yours.

yes, you got it exactly right. We are good wifey. That's why we are all on social media during business hours, and Mumsnet no less 😉.

Meanwhile no husband in the world would ever confide in their own wife. Or their mates. It's well known that if you want to keep something secret, you tell a man. But only if he's married.

Right! I don’t care who says what to this… this is how I feel … if I was at a ‘slimming group’ my friend and she found out her weight I would never think it was ok to share her weight with HER husband. I equally don’t think it’s ok for her to share MY private information with HER husband. It’s that simple! If it’s ok for her to share all my chat with her husband then I take it that it would be ok for me to share all her chat with her husband. I genuinely blown away by the fact that people can’t see that the should keep their friends confidences!

Plenty of people make friends with work colleagues and some will socialise outside of work too so it's highly likely that they'll be privy to secrets that definitely need to be kept from their own partner.

But that's my point exactly, would your partner be affected by their 'secrets' in any way, would he care if you were privy to them or not, I very much doubt it that's what I meant by saying your husband wouldn't have a horse in the race, with your work, friends, work friends etc, none of that would usually have any bearing on your husband if he was to find out about them.

In those situations it wouldn't cross my mind to tell him, but if I was privy to a family secret that WOULD affect him in someway if he found out about it, then I would be uncomfortable keeping it a secret.

Although I'm now wondering what sort of secrets you're privy to that you definitely can't tell your partner about! 😳

If it’s ok for her to share all my chat with her husband then I take it that it would be ok for me to share all her chat with her husband.

you are sleeping with her husband or something? 😂

Me too.

Yeah, stop chatting her husband up.. that's not cool 😉

This isn't a secret, this is someone else's private business. There is a huge difference.

Do you all go shopping for Christmas presents then run home and blurt out what you’ve bought each other? The whole of December would be horrible if you weren’t able to talk freely!

@CurlewKate , yes, because I know 100% he’d keep it to himself.

If something is so very secret, I do wonder why anyone would tell it to anyone else at all.

I love the length posters will go to try to justify their point of view. 😂
Presents or intimate discussion, yes it's the same!

You should learn the difference to explain your kids the concepts of secret vs surprise... It's actually a safe guarding issue.

Someone else’s secret is ok to share. Your own is ok to keep. I get it!

If you are speaking to me, you should read my posts. I did say that I assume my friends will share confidence with their partners, and that it's ok for them to do so.

If I want to have a "secret", i keep my mouth shut. It's not up to me to decide what people need to share or not.

YABU. If you really wanted to keep a secret from family, you shouldn't have told family. She's is your SIL first, and your friend second. Not fair to expect her to keep such a big secret from her DH when it actually relates to his family.

And to be fair to her 1) you didn't make it clear at the beginning that she would have to keep something from her our husband and 2) she was fair and honest about it with you.

😆

I would never presume to announce anyone's pregnancy. If the couple have not made an announcement, I would not think it my business no matter what the family connection.

My partner may be entitled to certain aspects of my privacy, but in no way is he entitled to every aspect of other people's business. Gossiping other people's business to your partner is not an indicator of the closeness in your relationship, it is simply an indicator of your inability to respect a confidence.

She's not your friend OP.