To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

If I’m being perfectly honest, based on the information you gave, I don’t think you needed to have told the rest of the family so soon, I think SIL and BIL would most likely have kept it to themselves if you’d asked them to, it was only SILs DH that she wanted to tell, I don’t think a compromise on the timeline was needed. As much as I agree with her not wanting to keep it from her DH. I don’t think ANYONE (even on MN!) would agree they should have any reason to tell anyone else, it would be despicable for her or BIL to tell anyone else before you’re ready, unless they were complete arseholes or had form for it, I can’t imagine a situation where they would.

but also I don’t think SIL was maybe the right person to talk to really, I can understand why you chose her but it was a risk as you didn’t already 100% know her stance on keeping things private, it’s not your fault at all on that one, you just didn’t know.

I can’t really answer the BIL feelings being more important than your own, only as far as to say that his feelings Aren’t more important than your feelings to You, or to a lot of other people, but it’s very much subjective, so to TO HER, his feeling are more important than yours on this particular matter and she chose to put them first, that’s a moral decision only she can make unfortunately, no one can tell her what she can and can’t tell her DH about, whether it’s right or wrong it’s her decision to make.

Its not nice that you’ve had to tell people so soon against your wishes, and I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time, I hope the rest of your pregnancy runs more smoothly, are you getting any help for the sickness? Have you been to see someone?

Huh?!

or perhaps before you confide in something very personal that you very very specifically do NOT want them telling their husband who happens to be married to one of your husbands closest relatives and he is desperate to tell him himself….

“I would love your advice on something but it’s a tricky situation because i really need you to keep to yourself for the time being but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable so if you’d rather I didn’t talk to you about this - I would totally understand”

And none of your nonsense about when is the right time that people start sharing confidences with their partners… because as I say, it’s like asking

“when is the right time to go to the toilet in front of my partner?” Some will say NEVER, some will say “I did the first time I slept with him”

Have you never read Emma? I recommend it.

Oh goodness… GCSE I think. 25 years ago 🙈

Sorry OP, you're being unreasonable. If she'd kept it from her husband, she'd then have to fake surprise when she and her DH were told 'officially'. If her DH then discovered she already knew and she'd kept it from him, that could cause problems between them.

If you're sharing something with one half of a couple, I think it's wise to assume they will likely tell their other half.

@fumigation " If her DH then discovered she already knew and she'd kept it from him, that could cause problems between them."

Well, if he's a controlling dick head, it might, certainly.

Kudos to her for her honesty. She will have told him in any event, but she didn't need to admit it to you. It's unreasonable to expect secrets between married couples. I don't think that you did need to spread the news further.

You're going to be a mother,your BIL is going to be an uncle;of course your feelings about your pregnancy are more important than his.

Your sister is an untrustworthy nincompoop.

I once worked in a job where I dealt with a lot of personal information. Would it have been OK to share that over dinner?

I think CurlewKate brings up an interesting question. I also deal with a lot of confidential info at work, much of which would be of interest to the Daily Mail. A relative works in a competitive industry which has a lot of trade secrets ~ I had to sign an NDA at the door to visit her in her office.

Strangely enough, I don’t find it difficult yo stop myself blabbing to my husband the moment I get home. I don’t believe he would say anything, but confidential information needs to be treated with respect.

the more people who are told, the more people need to remember that it’s confidential. Risk of blabbing spreads. Say a wife shares her friend’s miscarriage to her husband, under confidence. The husband then forgets it’s a secret because it was just part of “general news from DW” and the moral weight of keeping it confidential is weakened because it’s not from the horse’s mouth. Then the husband and wife meet up with friends, and the husband says “oh I was so sorry to hear about your miscarriage” in front of other people. It’s just too easy for information to leak once it’s leaked the first time.

Of course. Because apparently there should be no secrets between a husband and wife. 🙄

A relative works in a competitive industry which has a lot of trade secrets ~ I had to sign an NDA at the door to visit her in her office.

why were you visiting her in her office of all places unless for a meeting? Sounds like a pretty lax organisation

Because lots of companies encourage family and friends to visit. There are often kids at our office on a Friday / school holidays.

Fuck you gifs

And I am still interested in when this confidence sharing protocol kicks in. When should I stop expecting a friend to keep her mouth shut? Some people are cross about this question. I suspect it's because they can't answer.

I would be pretty gutted about that. Is she subservient to him in general?

I don’t keep secrets from my DP either but an early pregnancy would be an exception as it’s such a sensitive and personal time.

I think it's unfair to expect a SIL you're not incredibly tight with to keep a secret like that from her husband for five weeks. For a few days, maybe. Or if you were really close friends. But five weeks is too much.

I'd be really uncomfortable when you announced the pregnancy later and my husband was surprised and I had to confess I'd known all along.

Ones that have lots of trade secrets?

and absolutely they encourage partners and their children

not “relatives”

To all of those who don't keep secrets from their husbands, how do you distinguish between a secret from someone's personal business. It is fine to share your secrets with your spouse or partner, but how do you justify sharing someone else's personal business? Does the concept of not his business ever come into play in your relationship?

Do you truly believe that if your husband's brother were to tell him the he(the brother) was cheating on his wife that your husband would rush home to share that news particularly if his brother asked him not to tell anyone? Would he not be far more likely to respect his brother's confidence ?

A question I have if you are in the "we have no secrets camp"

Say your SIL gets a job in your local pharmacy.
Or gets a job as your GP's receptionist.
Or starts work in your bank branch.
And you only find out when she's handling your reason for being there.

It's then ok for her to tell her husband, your husband's brother because a) she's family and b) they don't have secrets between them?

If that's no, then why not?

I don't really understand why people are insisting it's such a black and white thing, and you have to be all or nothing, life just isn't like that?

I would say I'm in the 'no secrets from my DH' camp, but there's a difference between a keeping a secret, and just not sharing someone's information that you're privy to, two completely different things.

In OPs case, it's not straight forward as it's actually a bit of both, if I was the SIL I'd be uncomfortable being given that information then not asked to share it with DH, especially when there's absolutely no reason for him not to know, you'd be asking me to keep something secret for the sake of it, and then when it does come to light (which it obviously will) he'd feel like me, SIL and his brother has conspired not to tell him, which is an awkward position to be put in for a partner you supposedly trust wholeheartedly.

In the cases as you mentioned, you're saying that because of my position on 'secrets' if I worked in the bank/pharmacy/GP I'd be straight home to tell my DH all about their families finances / STI / whatever? but it's not the same AT ALL, apples and oranges, I'm NOT being asked to keep a secret from my DH, I'm privy to information through my job/acquaintances which doesn't impact my DH in anyway so I'm not keeping it secret by not discussing it with him. The key difference being if he found out later somewhere else and found out I already knew about it he wouldn't be bothered by it because it doesn't have any bearing on him or our relationship in anyway.

That's my personal take on it, but I'm not sure why people are struggling to understand that there are two different things here completely, and they can be completely independent thought processes involved.

YANBU. It's not up to individuals to decide they 'have to' tell their partner someone else's secret. It's not as if it was something terribly important that would impact hugely on her husband when he found out. It was just a nice piece of news that OP and her husband wanted kept quiet until they'd found a suitable moment to tell their parents. Any DH taking umbrage at not being told this news immediately is pathetic and needs to cop themselves on.

Very sensible post and I agree

and detail behind this scenario is critical to my view.
This was the wife of the husband’s brother and the OP had had a fright about her husband’s relative not her relative as such.

if it was two Friends and the DH had squat all link to friend… then utterly unreasonable to share with your husband

but brothers is a pretty big link