To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

@magma32 There are some cultural differences but not the ones you're thinking of. Not nearly as big, nor as dramatic. I've known DSIL about as long as I've known DH and was, I think, a good friend to her when she was vulnerable and on my 'home turf' so to speak. I don't think I was being dreadfully naive to consider her as a friend based on our history. I'm just a bit disappointed in the outcome.

All of that.

Of course OP and her DH want to be the one to tell her brother. It's not SIL's news to tell.

And it's just pathetic that there are people on here that seem to think that their relationships (which involve telling their DHss their friends' confidences) are better than those of people who respect privacy. Seriously, it's hard to fathom that kind of thinking.

I don't think I'm talking about "secrets" though, much less dark mysterious "family secrets". I wasn't ready to announce my pregnancy to my own parents particularly, and DH had agreed that we would tell our parents at the same time. That's not really a "secret" so much as some news that wasn't shared yet - a confidence.

I think I am guilty of thinking that pregnancy news, especially so early, would be assumed to fall into the confidential category and thus to be shared more widely at the discretion of the pregnant woman. Or a "surprise" that I was in control of, if you like. I guess I know better now.

There was a time limit too - a maximum of five weeks, which you can infer from my OP pretty easily.

Maybe I’m in the minority but if I fully trust someone, I wouldn’t need to give a disclaimer before revealing information to them because they have already proven themselves worthy of that trust to begin with.

To me, trusting someone with information doesn't really mean trusting them not to tell anyone. It means trusting them to treat the information with respect. So not gossiping about it, not telling loads of people, but not necessarily keeping it quiet from their partner. Anyone I tell something serious to is someone I trust to have my best interests at heart, and whose judgement I trust. I don't need a promise of secrecy because I know if they do tell anyone, they've used their judgement in that decision, for whatever reason.

I'm sorry that was a bad experience for you @Dinosauratemydaffodils. It sounds fairly messy, I must admit. Would it have made a difference if your MIL had asked you to keep it confidential for around a month while she got herself in order to tell the other family members? As that's what I was suggesting to my DSIL.

Thanks @CurlewKate - that's pretty much it. You seem pretty sensible in your views and that's reassuring!

Said it better than I could.

Wonder if this is because it’s about pregnancy since when it comes to it so many feel they have the right to know as soon as the stick has a plus sign and certain people have to know first.

I couldn’t imagine people doing “must tell my spouse” if this was a man getting a vasectomy and asking for guidance from another man who has had one.

If someone said to me 'don't tell anyone, even your husband ' I wouldn't tell him. If someone said 'don't tell anyone' bug didn't specify him, I probably would.

But not bug.

Sorry, it does sound a bit sinister when I read it back! I just meant a secret pertaining to the family, rather then a friend/colleague etc.

Did you have reason to believe that you BIL would tell the wider family? Is there a reason you felt compelled to break the news right away after realising that he would find out from SIL, or could your DH not have rang his brother and asked him to keep it between themselves? I would have assumed that they would keep in their joint confidence if you said you didn't want to tell anyone for another 5 weeks.

@Spidey66 "If someone said to me 'don't tell anyone, even your husband ' I wouldn't tell him. If someone said 'don't tell anyone' bug didn't specify him, I probably would."

It wouldn't cross my mind to say that- to me that sounds really insulting. As if I was saying "Don't tell anyone-you know what that means, don't you? It means don't tell anyone!"

Incidentally- nobody's had a go at deciding how long into a relationship this shared confidences thing kicks in....

OK, that's fair enough I guess! I think I was so surprised that DSIL wouldn't respect my confidence that I didn't know what to think about anyone else after that. And it seemed like my discomfort with making the family announcement right away wasn't worth the risk of hurting DMIL's feelings, or DH's other siblings, or my own family.

I think that's an interesting question! I'm going to take a swing at when they get engaged, or decide to move in together, or other culturally relevant sign of commitment. I'll be more aware of the possibility for sure from now on.

you got that right.

She is the wife of the OP’s husband’s brother. Not exactly Emma from three doors down.

you know, the one he was desperate to tell him self. Yet was totally cool with the op telling his brother’s wife 5 weeks before he did actually tell him.

Hilarious. Emma definitely would have weaponised the information. Clumsily though. And it all still would have worked out in the end.

Because it’s a daft question

like **nobody's had a go at deciding how long into a relationship you move in together / introduce to parents / fart in front of each.... it is on a relationship by relationship basis!

Mumsnet is all about pregnant women's rights. Yet lots of people here think it's perfectly okay for someone else to give the news of OP's pregnancy to her family members before she's ready, even when she categorically asked them not to.

People really cant get their logic straight can they? Either the pregnant woman is the priority, or she's not. I'd be absolutely furious with anyone who didn't respect my right to give such big news to family members myself and on my own timeline. Yet a third of people on this thread are defnding the SIL who did exactly that. Because they cant have 'secrets' from their hubby. Pathetic.

@saraclara thank you for the defence. I'm going to be more aware in future, but I'm reassured that the majority think I was being reasonable.

Thank you as well to everyone who has offered congratulations, that is really encouraging 😊

I can understand you feeling that way, especially as you see her as a friend. But I don't think I'd have been comfortable keeping it from my husband if I was your SIL, I wouldn't go into any detail of what we had discussed with regards your concerns, but I wouldn't want to keep the pregnancy itself a secret when it relates to his brother too.

I'd be concerned that when he did find out, he'd feel upset that me, you and his brother had conspired to keep it secret from him, and he'd feel like we thought he wasn't trustworthy enough to keep it confidential, every couple is different in that regard though, someone said up thread about where your loyalties lie and I think it was a very good point, your SIL loyalties lie more with her DH then with you so she wasn't prepared to keep it secret from him, ultimately you can't really blame her for that, if she was just a friend it wouldn't have been an issue.

But she definitely could have been more tactful about the whole thing and reassured you a bit more that they would keep a lid on it until you were ready, rather then be so cavalier about it!

Thanks OP it would be helpful to know what influence your in laws have, if any, on your sil telling them.

it really depends on your in laws reactions. And only you know the dynamics I can only take a guess based on my experiences. If you met her by virtue of being married into Dh family then there would perhaps be different expectations of her compared to her knowing you independently from the family. Unfortunately in my community it’s hard to find true friendships from in laws, my own sil (bil wife) turned out to do what your sil has done and I hated her at the time but I realised she was trying to protect herself from having fingers pointed at her but then my in laws are the type to make a drama out of it but she also likes to look ‘good’ when perhaps she doesn’t need to do point scoring either. If your in laws are not like that and you can safely say your bil wouldn’t have minded potentially finding out later from someone else that your sil knew all along then I think you need to tell her your disappointment and see why she felt the need to tell him. That’s if you think there is a genuine friendship there, if not I would keep her at arm’s length from now on regarding your business. From my own situation I think I was very naive tbh but I didn’t understand these dynamics - as I said I had to ‘learn on the job’ which now means I keep them at a distance as I can’t do superficial friendships and politics. If no in law or bil pressure for her to tell them, maybe she was being over cautious, or just wanted to be seen as a ‘good wife’ to everyone (yes you do get those types too which I hope your sil isn’t, I think my sil wants to project a certain image too, you need to be careful of those)

I personally don’t tell my Dh anything that doesn’t concern him, he really isn’t bothered about what my friends and family are upto and if he was I’d say he’s being nosey which would give me the ick. Sometimes my sisters tell me stuff but they won’t tells our other sister whose husband they know personally, not because they expect me to keep secrets or whatever,but because it makes no difference to them if my Dh knows as they never encounter him anyway and they know he wouldn’t tell anyone else either. Still wouldn’t tell him though. However, if it was info that concerned his sister that I felt he would be bothered if I didn’t tell him then I would feel like I should tell Dh out of respect to him. However, if it was known to Dh my friendship was an established one that wasn’t dependent on my relationship to him then he would understand my loyalty to my friend. So it depends how much respect they give to your friendship and sadly I don’t think your sil sees it the way you do. I have been in a situation concerning my friend, I had to keep something from her mum for her, sort of lie and it wasn’t the lie that bothered me, it was the fact that her mother would one day find out I lied and then think badly of me, it was more of an elder respect thing rather than loyalty. I think the pregnancy is a red herring I think any info concerning Dh family where his family would feel ‘betrayed’ in some way because the sil didn’t say anything, then maybe it can make things messy for her because in laws are always quick to point the finger at dil. I’m just basing all this on ‘typical’ in laws and joint family expectations of dil and basing it on the info from your posts, only you know the true dynamic and there is possibility more than goes on behind the scenes that you’re unaware of. My honest advice is to cut your losses and not tell her anything in the future as I don’t think she’s a proper friend.

In this situation, how is telling someone about someone’s pregnancy in the pregnant person’s best interest?

Yes, the man is her BIL, and will be an uncle but what will he be doing in concerns to OP that he must be told because the wife knows. If my SIL trusted me with such information, I wouldn’t tell anyone including my DH, her brother. If DH had an issue with that, I would have an issue with him and anyone who had an issue with it. Honestly, if people fall out with me over something that someone trusted me enough to keep a secret for them, I wouldn’t be bothered but it would change my opinion of them.

Someone coming to me for support should not have to worry or even assume that I will tell my spouse because we’re a couple. It is really not hard to keep someone’s confidence.

Thanks, that’s interesting perspective. Doesn’t it make any difference that it was time limited- a maximum of five weeks but I probably could have been persuaded into compromising on two or three if I’d been given some room to manoeuvre?

Really though this I think is the crux of where I feel hurt: But I don't think I'd have been comfortable keeping it from my husband if I was your SIL, I wouldn't go into any detail of what we had discussed with regards your concerns, but I wouldn't want to keep the pregnancy itself a secret when it relates to his brother too.

I think I just find it hard to accept that my DBIL’s feelings in relation to my pregnancy were considered as more important than my own. And, additionally In my particular case, that it ended up meaning that I had to put my whole family’s and inlaws’ potential feelings about my pregnancy above my own. 🤷‍♀️

If I continue to feel this sick though, I doubt I’ll have the energy to keep caring so maybe that’s a positive?!

I think I just find it hard to accept that my DBIL’s feelings in relation to my pregnancy were considered as more important than my own.

And you don't need to accept it, because it's absolutely wrong. It's you and your DH who decide who to tell when. BIL's feelings (assuming that he would even have been bothered) are unimportant.

@HandsupSue Incidentally- nobody's had a go at deciding how long into a relationship this shared confidences thing kicks in....

Because it’s a daft question

like **nobody's had a go at deciding how long into a relationship you move in together / introduce to parents / fart in front of each.... it is on a relationship by relationship basis!"

Well, no it isn't daft if you're the one trying to decide which of your friends is safe to confide in....