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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tidy house reality - Please help!

196 replies

Redandgreenandpurple · 14/06/2023 23:02

I am a mum of two young kids and a wife and our 3 bed house is just a constant effort to tidy it up in order to look ok.

When we wake up we leave the beds undone, dirty clothes on the floor, toys on the floor too, the toilet and wash basin are not 100% clean, landing has little things that are waiting to be put in their actual place. Then downstairs shoes in the entrance along with bags, the throws at the sofa are messy from the night before, again toys, maybe a forgotten plate from the night before or a bottle of beer, the drying rack full of clothes gets in the way, then in the kitchen things are relatively ok because I always load the dishwasher before going to bed but again the table may have crumbs, the cooking stove needs proper cleaning, the odd glass may be around, then the windows are dusty, the floor needs cleaning… etc. you get the point.

And then we all leave to work, school whatever. We come back around 6pm and then it all starts again and more mess is created. Then I spend an hour at night doing the basics like cooking and loading the dishwasher and that’s it.

The cleaning time is so minimal and everything is chaotic.

If a friend asks “can I pass by your place for a coffee” then it becomes the mission of the week/day to make everything look perfect! Or if we invite friends around!

Is this typical in every house or am I doing something wrong?

YANBU - That’s the story of my life
YABU - You are doing something wrong

OP posts:
bussteward · 17/06/2023 09:38

Imagine taken stuff out of a cupboard while cooking and leaving it lying round
I see you’ve met my DP…

Chatterbuginabox · 17/06/2023 09:52

Yabu

not because you should or shouldn’t be doing anything more or less, but because we can all only do so much and it sounds like you are expecting more from yourself than you can offer right now.

cut yourself some slack, give yourself a pat on the back for having happy, clean, fed kids and if there are crumbs on the table or stuff lying around, so what?

but if you want some tips from a single mum eoth a 6,4 and 2 year old -

  1. never go upstairs/downstairs empty handed, moving clutter closer to its home every trip makes it find its way back eventually! Get the kids involved with this too!
  2. hand vac - i have a shark wand hand vac and i use or for everything. It gets toaster crumbs, table debris, floor bits in no time at all.
  3. Kids know where washing basket is and they use it! This really helps. My kids think theres a washing shark who sleeps in there, and we feed him 🤣
  4. get up for bed 10 mins earlier and clear dishes, straighten room and make it look tidy so when morning hits you don’t get a heavy heart walking into the room because its untidy
  5. kids beds will be made when they get in, noone really goes upstairs so this is bottom of priority list

hope this helps and good luck 🤞🏻

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 11:26

I just tidy up as I go and beds take a second to make. When DD was little I used to get her to put her toys away before bed. I have no choice but to clear up crumbs or we’d have cockroaches and ants as we live in a hot climate. To be fair, I did in the U.K. too though, as I couldn’t live how you’ve described. I’d feel really stressed. At least the surfaces have to be clean. I do the bathroom, floors etc once a week, so I’m not someone who scrubs their house every day. If it wasn’t tidy, I couldn’t relax though.

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 11:30

Definitely not normal. Why not make your bed and put your dirty clothes on the floor instead of the laundry? You think this is normal? I agree with this, especially about dirty clothes on the floor. That's just laziness. It takes two second to put them in a laundry basket.

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 11:37

EatYourVegetables · 15/06/2023 09:50

I’d like to know if the YABU brigade works.

Yes I do. I also spent 6 years as a full time working single parent and my house wasn't like this. Many of the things OP is describing are two second jobs, so working has nothing to do with anything, it just not being bothered. Beds take two seconds to make in the morning, unless you have hotel style sheets, sofa throws take a minute to tidy before bed or when you get up from the sofa, crumbs from food can be removed with a 20 second wipe down, clothes can go in the laundry basket rather than on the floor, shoes on a shoe rack etc. This isn't a time thing, it's a laziness thing. Full on cleaning is different, but most of what the OP lists are small jobs that don't take any time at all.

jo19 · 17/06/2023 11:39

This is definitely how my home is and we have a cleaner come once a week. I do try and tidy up in the evening before going to bed but sometimes I’m really tired and just think ‘fuck it, I’ll do it in the morning, which obviously never happens because we have school & work to get to. I do buy things to try and help keep the clutter at bay such as a stair basket (although I’m the only one that takes it upstairs and puts the stuff away) and a shoe cupboard in the hall but they just kick the shoes off and leave them on the floor in front of it! 😤

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 11:41

Kids can put their own toys away, unless they're babies/toddlers. At school and nursery they have to tidy up, so can at home too. If you get them into good habits with doing this then it will carry through. If you don't get them to tidy up and they see you not doing it either, the teenage years are going to be terrible. Your house will look a thousand times worse than now with messy teens.

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2023 12:22

Oldheadyoungshoulders · 16/06/2023 19:18

Does no-one air their beds in the morning? Then fluff up duvet just before you get into bed!

Yes. It's aired till I'm dressed and ready then it's made

I love having a tidy bedroom. Very calming

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2023 12:23

jo19 · 17/06/2023 11:39

This is definitely how my home is and we have a cleaner come once a week. I do try and tidy up in the evening before going to bed but sometimes I’m really tired and just think ‘fuck it, I’ll do it in the morning, which obviously never happens because we have school & work to get to. I do buy things to try and help keep the clutter at bay such as a stair basket (although I’m the only one that takes it upstairs and puts the stuff away) and a shoe cupboard in the hall but they just kick the shoes off and leave them on the floor in front of it! 😤

It's tedious, but call them back Every Time and make them put them away.

Eventually they'll do it on their own.

Rainbirdsoaring · 17/06/2023 12:25

When my kids were small I devised a tidying up game. Everybody picked up one item from the living room and took it and put it away. Then they picked up one item from that room and took it to the correct room and put it away. and so on. I still do it sometimes. Another idea is to get a large basket. One person picks up everything that's out of place in the living room and puts it in the basket. Everyone else takes from the basket and puts away. When the living room is tidy, move to the next room, and somebody else loads the basket.
Now that I'm retired I put my headphones on and listen to an audio book, and set a timer for ten minutes, during which time I just tidy, empty bins, etc.. Sometimes I'm so in the zone that I reset the timer and carry on tidying or start to clean something. It's amazing how much you can get done in ten minutes.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/06/2023 12:33

KavvLar · 16/06/2023 22:47

I had a thread which helped me, asking about the habits of formerly messy tidy people.

When consolidating the responses the phases seemed to be to declutter, then deep clean, have a good set up and storage, and a plan for regular maintenance. The suggestions that struck a particular chord with me were :

  1. Accept that there's a minimum effort required per day /week and set a personalized room by room or task by task routine.

Crucially you need to include what all of these methods seem to take for granted - 'invisible tasks' at the end of the day - toys away, kitchen tidied etc.

The bare minimum stuff. I would leave that a day or two and then flap around doing that stuff and think that's my tidying /cleaning time done why aren't I getting anywhere?

I think a lot of people do that naturally and wouldn't even count it as part of their cleaning routine. I struggle to bring cups plates etc back into the kitchen of an evening so that shift in mindset will be valuable for me.

  1. Use THE FEAR. Cleaners, guests and even moving house (admire the commitment!) all seem to be good tools to help see the house through other people's eyes, and crucially, to provide a time limit to get it sufficiently presentable.
  1. Neatness breeds Neatness. I can absolutely identify with this. If it’s tidy it’s much easier to see what is out of place, and to fix it.

Great post! I love 'the FEAR'. So true!

Allthenamesaretaken0 · 17/06/2023 17:30

"Don't put it down, put it away"

This was my new year's resolution for 2022 and it made such a difference! It just means things don't mount up quite so much and I'm also mindful of what I'm doing if I'm tempted to put something down where it doesn't belong!
I also do ask the kids 5 and 4 to tidy their rooms now which usually involves shoving everything in one giant box but they do do it.
And I make my bed by literally just throwing the duvet back over as I'm getting out of bed. Literally zero effort but makes such a difference to how you feel when you see it at the end of the day.

wellstopdoingitthen · 17/06/2023 19:13

eandz13 · 14/06/2023 23:13

Google the 'touch it once' rule! It's some sound advice to live by.

This may work for many, but it’s a nightmare for a serial procrastinator!

wellstopdoingitthen · 17/06/2023 19:22

I have Just listened to the audiobook of ‘How to keep house while drowning ‘ while cleaning & tidying my kitchen & lounge. It was a fascinating book! I will listen again-especially about throwing away the stuff I was keeping to give to the charity shop (been there at least a year!). I am going to order a skip on Monday & get rid of the ‘might come in handy’ stuff that I’ve been hoarding too. We have just ordered a new shed to replace our broken one so will have a good clear out there too.
Thanks op this has given me the oomph to get on with something & forgive myself for not being on top of my clutter & cleaning.

Ginmonkeyagain · 18/06/2023 10:21

Yea, having a place for everything and putting it back is a bit part of this. We have a lot of cupboards. Best £2000 I spent was on a moving wall about 2/3 the length of our allway - behind it are drawers, shelves, pigeon holes, pull out trays, coat racks etc...

Everything has its place in there.

Boredandbitter · 18/06/2023 19:27

I feel like I am drowning under three grown mens hobbies and interests. They are dh 56 ds 26 and ds 18. Music, CDs, instruments, gadgets, songsheets, bits of wood from broken drumsticks, gardening books and tools, motorbike parts, woodworking tools and books, dvds, tissues, floordrobes, plus grandma and grandad have just died and we are clearing their hoard. If I could have room to clean I would feel I was getting somewhere.

Rhaenys · 19/06/2023 20:08

I like a tidy house but mine looks like a shit pit at the moment. I just can’t be arsed.

MustardChair · 21/06/2023 06:15

Thanks to this thread I bought 'How to Keep house while drowing' and I am LOVING it. LOVE it love it love it.

It's about more than cleaning as pps have said. It's about changing the mindset that we somehow fail if the house is not tidy.

Someone upthread said that mess is morally neutral. This is in the book and it'[s game changing. In fact several times yesterday I realised my self-talk in most aspects of my life is about beating myself up for not being perfect and doing things perfectly. So i am catching myself in many ways by saying 'this is morally neutral'. yesterday i was feeling guilty for takeing the DCs to the pub for goujons and icecream for dinner because i was exhausted. I was castigating myself then though; 'This decision is morally neutral. The kids were fed and had a great time as well with an unexpected Tuesday night treat'.

I got home and tidied the kitchen. Not in a 'the kitchen is messy you digusting person' sort of way as is usual, but in a 'I love the kitchen being clean when I wake up' way.

Ontheperiphery79 · 21/06/2023 06:24

My circumstances are very different to yours OP and, if you have the finances, could you get a cleaner, perhaps?

I think the basics for me in my home that I wouldn't be able to deal with are unmade beds, dirty clothes on the floor, toys all over the place and dirty loo and wash basins.

Out of your list, those are the main things that stand out for me, but everyone's base level is different.

Maybe find one or two things amidst your long list to start working on each evening- even if it's just things that take a minute or two, then build on that? Just an idea.

Buy, it must be mega hard trying to juggle everything.

X

Gettingbysomehow · 21/06/2023 06:43

Don't bother tidying for friends. If they are friends they won't care. My friend with kids never does. I've gone to see her not an immaculate house. I cant keep on top of mine and I live on my own 😬

ninetieseyebrows · 21/06/2023 09:50

MadeInYorkshire69 · 16/06/2023 19:46

I recommend a book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A gentle approach to cleaning and organising”
And be kind to yourself.

And the author is on instagram and TikTok too! https://instagram.com/strugglecare?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

https://www.tiktok.com/@domesticblisterss*?t=8dLbWcykQuJ&&_r=1

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