Tidy house reality - Please help!

[Redandgreenandpurple]

I am a mum of two young kids and a wife and our 3 bed house is just a constant effort to tidy it up in order to look ok.

When we wake up we leave the beds undone, dirty clothes on the floor, toys on the floor too, the toilet and wash basin are not 100% clean, landing has little things that are waiting to be put in their actual place. Then downstairs shoes in the entrance along with bags, the throws at the sofa are messy from the night before, again toys, maybe a forgotten plate from the night before or a bottle of beer, the drying rack full of clothes gets in the way, then in the kitchen things are relatively ok because I always load the dishwasher before going to bed but again the table may have crumbs, the cooking stove needs proper cleaning, the odd glass may be around, then the windows are dusty, the floor needs cleaning… etc. you get the point.

And then we all leave to work, school whatever. We come back around 6pm and then it all starts again and more mess is created. Then I spend an hour at night doing the basics like cooking and loading the dishwasher and that’s it.

The cleaning time is so minimal and everything is chaotic.

If a friend asks “can I pass by your place for a coffee” then it becomes the mission of the week/day to make everything look perfect! Or if we invite friends around!

Is this typical in every house or am I doing something wrong?

YANBU - That’s the story of my life
YABU - You are doing something wrong

Don't beat yourself up. I struggle with tidying and it is not helped by living with a DH with ADHD and kids with the same traits. When my two were little I had big soft baskets/ containers in the living room to chuck their toys into to reclaim the space in the evenings. Maybe select one aspect to get under control. Doing it all is like moving a mountain I find!

Have you considered minimalism? Or even just decluttering? We are a family of 4 (3yo & 2yo), soon to be 5. We don't have much, and having less to manage makes a huge difference to my life. Everything is easier to clean, tidy away. I do struggle with laundry, the machine is on atleast twice a day. But its manageable overall

I feel you op. My biggest problem is that my children are prolific drawers and there is always paper and pens everywhere despite my best efforts. As soon as I’ve put them away they’re out again. And bloody Pokémon cards.

Should add that I’ve tried giving them sketch books to contain their creations but it doesn’t work.

Other people's houses are always so tidy because just before you arrive at their place they do the last minute quick clean-around that the OP describes. It can work wonders. Visitors think my house is spick and span (it ain't)

This is my house. I have a wonderful cleaner who helps me and she’s worth her weight in gold.

Without her I’d be overwhelmed.

Omg, yes - the paper and pens.
Several different boxes or cups or pens, pen lids, blunt pencils. Pencil sharpenings, scraps of paper that have been cut out. Glue. Glitter!! Random craft bits. Boxes of craft sets. Whatever it is they've made that is drying somewhere, or left half finished but not allowed to be thrown away as they want to finish it.

Every so often I am inspired to clean and organise it all. Which in turn inspires them to use it more. I need a decent storage solution to hide it all.

If you are happy with that, then fine, but sounds like you’re not. Between you, you partner and kids there are quick things you can do like put all dirty clothes in laundry basket, make bed, clear all dishes before you go to bed. If you feel like you have a lot of stuff, can you schedule 1 day without the kids for a declutter and deep clean of the whole house?

You need to declutter, don’t put things down put them away, look behind you when you leave a room to see if anything needs picking up or taken out the room and if you see a job which takes a minute or less then just so it.

It takes less than 2 mins to make a bed.

Why would you leave dirty clothes anywhere?

Putting dishes straight in the dishwasher takes no more time than piling on top.

Good habits Will make it easier, you don't need to tidy these things before you clean.

Around £150 and it frees up loads of time.

Before you go to bed you and partner do 15 minutes. Sort the throws, put rubbish in bin, wipe the counters, get a handheld Hoover and do the crumbs on the floor. Sort laundry out. Go upstairs with spray and wipe and give the sinks and loos a once over just before bed. Make it nice to come down to the next day, think of it as self care. You wouldn’t leave it like that for a mate to come down to, so treat yourself as you’d treat someone you love.
Once a week your partner puts the Hoover round the downstairs. Once a week you do upstairs. It will be tiring and annoying that day but it will only take twenty minutes.
Mop on a Sunday.

I voted Yabu not because you’re unreasonable but because keeping on top of a house where you’re both out all day should be doable and you can do it and you will feel better for it.

Or just get a cleaner!! It will lift so much mental load.

Sounds fairly normal to me. I usually do a manic 30 minute tidy up in the evening while DP gets the kids ready for bed. I only really focus in down stairs and leave upstairs until the weekend. My house was spotless before kids so it's hard but I have learned to let it go, you could drive yourself mad trying to keep it perfect all the time

I thought this too, it was always rammed into me that beds must be aired so I would never make them straight away!

Lurking

Lol. The “get up 15 minutes earlier” people obviously had good sleepers.

Should I have got up 15 minutes before the time DC came in at 2ish or 4.30ish last night? Or before he got up at 5.40?

@Redandgreenandpurple - get a cleaner if you can, and try to stop worrying about perfection. The friends and family that matter don’t care if the house is tidy. Enlist the kids with helping, it’s not too late for tidy up time, and some jobs they absolutely bloody love. Work out what the big problem are (beds, imo, not a problem; dishwasher being cleared so you can immediately restack, this is a problem as it makes things worse until it’s fixed)

All that matters is how much this bothers you. I couldn’t live like that so always tidied as I went along when the kids were young etc.. But for some people that energy is best expended elsewhere. Find a compromise that works for you and don’t think of anyone else.

My mum instilled in me - "Don't put it down. Put it down. Put it away."

And also "clear as you go".

I'm never going to have a pristine home (Im much too lazy), but those two mantras, which I passed on to my own children, have stood the test of time.

Best advice on the thread. Work out what is the best balance for you and your family.

Sounds like you are time poor but a little extra effort would make a huge difference. Unfortunately it also sounds like you are allowing the whole family to follow the same traits which is multiplying the problem.

Time to get on your families case and start getting them out of bed 30mins earlier so they can tidy their rooms themselves. Leaving a house in such a state before you have even lifted a finger must make it horrible to return to in the evening.

Sorry, there is no easy solution but this is a whole family problem, not just yours. If you dont sort it now you never will.

Came here to recommend this. It’s great. You have described my house and life to a tee. It’s quite eerie actually!! But this book made me feel a lot better about it and also helped me to keep more on top of things. It’s written from a perspective of someone with ADHD, which I don’t have, but it’s completely accessible and relevant for anyone with houses and lives like ours. I actually got it on audiobook (if I don’t have time to do the house I’m not going to find time to read a book about doing the house!!) so I could listen while doing other things. I love her voice, like listening to a kind friend.

I'm on mat leave atm and the only time the house is barely acceptable is when family, friends or colleagues have asked to visit. I blitz what I can in 30 mins. DH said that if we had a visitor every day, the house would be sorted by summer. 😅 Btw, he does almost all of the cooking and housework.

I've downloaded the TOMM app - I think this will work for me. As it only requires 30 mins a day, perhaps it will work for you too?

Thanks so much all for tips! Some of them are very helpful and easy to implement (at least in theory).

My DH is not particularly annoyed by the house not being tidy, but he is annoyed by it not being cleaned. For example, he would never ever do the throws but he would tidy up the shoes at the entrance so as our crawling baby not to put them in her mouth. He would not be bothered with making the bed but he would clean the toilet. If that makes sense… So, I have partial help!

Also, he is very much into life admin to do lists that take so much time, especially screen time, like actions in relation to bank/mortgage, insurances, pensions, emails, sorting out folders in the laptop, iCloud, things like that which although are critical and important you can’t see the end result. Also, these things consume a lot of time in the evenings…

I have a baby and a toddler meaning that they can’t help much and I think I need to make little and often and as I go.

Declutter sounds good too… my clothes for example need a massive decluttering!

Next time you pass a cemetery, check and see how many grave stones say "I wish I'd spent more time tidying".

but how many graves could say "I wish I'd spend less time thinking/ worrying about it".

The tidier the house, the most on top of everything you are, the less headspace you waste on it.

Join the Organised Mum Method
Stop confusing tidying and cleaning. You can't clean clutter anyway.

Things need a place, and need to be put away where they belong straight away. Shoes/ coats/ school bags should be dealt with immediately
Kids don't go to bed until their bedroom is tidy.

Take 10 or 15 minutes at the most to go round the house before bed, and tidy what doesn't belong, you won't even need that time to get rid of an empty glass, put throw neatly.

Bed in the morning: pull duvet back, straighten cover sheet, open window. Will take you 10 seconds to pull duvet back neatly. Done.

Ok this is getting creepy. Not only do we have the exact same house, you are married to my husband lol. Best of luck with it OP, maybe if you can sort it I can too 🙈