Tidy house reality - Please help!

[Redandgreenandpurple]

I am a mum of two young kids and a wife and our 3 bed house is just a constant effort to tidy it up in order to look ok.

When we wake up we leave the beds undone, dirty clothes on the floor, toys on the floor too, the toilet and wash basin are not 100% clean, landing has little things that are waiting to be put in their actual place. Then downstairs shoes in the entrance along with bags, the throws at the sofa are messy from the night before, again toys, maybe a forgotten plate from the night before or a bottle of beer, the drying rack full of clothes gets in the way, then in the kitchen things are relatively ok because I always load the dishwasher before going to bed but again the table may have crumbs, the cooking stove needs proper cleaning, the odd glass may be around, then the windows are dusty, the floor needs cleaning… etc. you get the point.

And then we all leave to work, school whatever. We come back around 6pm and then it all starts again and more mess is created. Then I spend an hour at night doing the basics like cooking and loading the dishwasher and that’s it.

The cleaning time is so minimal and everything is chaotic.

If a friend asks “can I pass by your place for a coffee” then it becomes the mission of the week/day to make everything look perfect! Or if we invite friends around!

Is this typical in every house or am I doing something wrong?

YANBU - That’s the story of my life
YABU - You are doing something wrong

My house is often like that too. It's hard with kids and work. I try to make clearing up after dinner a family event but when we are juggling different evening clubs we often all eat at different times and in a rush so things get left.

If the dishwasher full but there are more dishes and pans I stack them in the sink. Wipe down the tops and then in the morning with renewed energy and enthusiasm I u load the dishwasher while the kettle boils. Another good idea is making sure you have really good hallway storage so you can chuck all the shoes, bags and coats in a cupboard. I also keep cleaning stuff in each bathroom so that if I go in and it's a bit of a state I can quickly whiz around it and make it presentable. Also I got a cordless hoover which was much easier to whip out and do a quick once over. The old cordless one felt like such a chore. Also chuck out everything. Don't keep things like half done craft, old clothes etc. Try to get more going out than coming in.

Also, he is very much into life admin to do lists that take so much time, especially screen time, like actions in relation to bank/mortgage, insurances, pensions, emails, sorting out folders in the laptop, iCloud, things like that which although are critical and important you can’t see the end result. Also, these things consume a lot of time in the evenings…
so he spends his evenings pissing about on the computer “sorting out folders” instead of wiping the counter?

Mortgage – direct debit, occasional online renewal when fixed term ends
Insurance – direct debit
Pensions – through your employer
Emails – work or is he a prolific correspondent?
Sorting out folders on the laptop – wildly unnecessary or at least way down the list if the list also has laundry, a dirty loo, crockery lying around the house
iCloud – what is there to do, exactly?

I suspect while you’re dealing with baby and toddler he’s dealing with “pissing about on the internet and claiming life admin”.

I swear by the TOOM method, stops you from wasting your life with housework

but realistically, it's 15 minutes level 1
30 minutes level 2

and mostly doesn't really involve tidying up. That's why you must be consistent ,you still need to find time to unload dishwasher, put the laundry on the line, put laundry away etc, but it's worth doing, nothing better than going to bed and getting up in a tidy and clean home, while spending minimal time on it.

I think there a free trial week of guided sessions, to see how much quicker you get things done!

There are some nice decluttering threads in housekeeping. Make sure you find a supportive one, not an obsessive one though 😂

I’d like to know if the YABU brigade works.

that's debatable.

Not really there with a toddler, but when you add the kids birthday parties, the kids birthdays, the family holidays, the kids holiday and after school clubs, the passports, travel insurance, the SCHOOL admin, the bills, the jab appointments, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, MOT, boiler yearly check, the weekly online shop, the primary kids hot diner weekly order, book this and book that etc.. I swear the "life admin" takes a lot more time than some posters on MN admit. It just life, but it's time consuming. It doesn't matter if it has a stupid label "life admin", still needs to be done

Yes, you only need a kid's passport every 5 years, a lot of things are yearly, but it still needs to be done at some point, and it does add up.

2 or 3 times a week is usually enough however.

Doesn't stop anyone from splitting actual physical clean 50/50.

you know what they say, if you want something done, ask a busy person.

Full time busy parents don't really have the luxury to waste time and mental energy on mess and chores, or worst, looking for some lost keys/phone/ kids shoes... you just get it done.

Op that is SO NORMAL. When you have kids and work you really only have the energy for the basics, wash up, cook dinner, quick tidy around, Hoover on a good day! Kids pull toys down from upstairs so when I tidy they get launched back into their room (which looks like an explosion in Smyths) The washing… THE WASHING. I have a dirty laundry bin full, a clean one to put away and some more… a load in the machine, a load on the line… that never ends.

So the full on kitchen/bathroom/toilet cleans get done once every 10 days or so.

People will give you all sorts of advice but the truth is keeping ‘show home’ standards when you have kids is extremely difficult to achieve. It drives me mad too but I would say people coming to my house would say it’s fine - tidy, I wouldn’t recommend they inspect my skirting boards etc but I like to spend time with my kids and relax too!

I clean as I go to avoid this. I don’t leave the throw and cushions messy the night before so they’re tidy when I get up. I also do all of the washing up and general tidying up as the mess is made so my DC’s toys are tidied away when they’re done with them, dishes are cleaned and worktops wiped after every meal, laundry put away as soon as it’s dry.

I have 5 DC and we both work so if I didn’t tidy as we went the house would be a bomb site 24/7.

The guided cleans on Rock the Housework are amazing. I use them all the time now. They help me stay on track and I get way more done than if I freestyle as I get distracted, go off on a tangent, end up doing something random that makes 0 difference to the overall appearance of the house. There are loads of them ranging from full house cleans to quick catch-ups, individual rooms and have music with Gem (the woman behind The Organised Mum Method) talking you through what to do at every point. We are having a party this weekend so I've just done one of the guided cleans to get stuff in reasonable shape.

I definitely don't go for show home; I work part-time, am also self-employed, we have two young kids (and a cat and dog!), and DH works full time, so our spare time is best spent not cleaning if we can help it as we have loads of other stuff we want to do, but I do find my mental state feels worse when the house isn't clean and relatively tidy, so we really try to make the time to at least keep on top of the basics day to day. Even just 20 mins if you are focused makes a massive difference, and 20 mins over the course of one day isn't much to find (in the time it's taken me to write this for example I could have got the bulk of the living room clutter away, set the robot hoover off and done a quick surface wipe).

I agree that no one says they wished they tidied more, but if it's affecting your enjoyment of life then you might look back and wish you'd been happier at X point. We used to live in quite a lot of chaos and mess and it felt like there was this dark cloud always somewhere where I couldn't really enjoy bring at home, I found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning knowing it was messy, etc. Now I feel much brighter to get up to a relatively clean house, I enjoy my evenings without feeling guilty, I can have a friend round at short notice because I'm not embarrassed about the state of our house.

We had a gas leak recently and the guy came out within 30 minutes and was in various rooms of the house. The old me would have been absolutely horrified and embarrassed, but now our house was fine, I didn't stress about it (other than the fact we had a gas leak!) and the relief that brought was immense.

Our house sounds similar, but dirty washing in the laundry bin takes seconds. Beer bottle in the recycling bin takes seconds. Making three beds takes 2 minutes tops? There’s a middle ground here, it’s obvious things are hectic for you, but you could spend 5 mins in the morning making beds, putting dirty clothes in the laundry and 10 mins in the evening doing some tidying.

😂

I so wish that was true. Though even in the mess I usually know where things are, which is why DS always asks me.

The minimum tidying rules in our house in the morning before we leave are:

Smooth bedsheets and fold back the duvet.

Hang up towels

Clothes either in the laundry bin or folded on a chair in the bedroom

Washing up done

Kitchen surfaces wiped down

A quick squirt of shower spray round the shower and bathroom sink.

It doesn't result in a show home bnut it makes it nicer to come back to in the evening.

put it another way: while you are at work and the kids at nursery, there's no one to mess up the house 😂

Even on days off, chores first thing, then out for most of the day we go! Not to keep the house tidy, more because we all get bored if we are indoors for too long.

I could have written that, all details the same 😄

We do not have too much stuff. We are in good routines with housework. We also play with the kids a lot and read with them and along with general life like this, comes mess.

We’re doing an extension. More space = more storage. So many obstacles (literally, I can’t walk through my house without banging into something - a door, a bin, furniture), it will be much much easier to have a tidier home if it’s a bigger home with more space and less stress. It’s just a fact 🤷🏻‍♀️ also will be easier to feed the family wholesome meals when there is actually space in the kitchen (because there’s more storage and less stuff having to be out) and space for a normal size freezer so I can batch cook! Or at least have a pizza in the freezer! We currently only have a countertop freezer which doesn’t fit much 🙃🙃🙃 my point being. More space = easier life. Obviously unachievable for masses of people.

Ah, well. Our problem then is that we both work from home and DS is school refusing.

Back in the mists of time (pre-covid) I suppose things were tidier.

I live in a relatively clean tidy house. Its not showhome, it has times where its messy, but overall if someone gives me 5 minutes warning then it will be presentable when they pop round.

1. i live in a house with masses of storage. Nifty shoe storage drawers under the stairs (means the hallway is easy to keep clear), built in wardrobes, massive ikea kallax in the living room for toys, plenty of kitchen cupboards, etc. So theres enough space to put everything away out of sight.

So look at what stuff you have, what you can get rid off, and find a place for the rest to be put away. If this means investing in more storage then do that. As the dc grow out of toys and clothes pass them onto friends or sell on vinted.

2. Ever since dc were little i had a rule of only one toy box out at a time, so play with duplo then spend 20 seconds chucking it back in the box before getting the traintracks, or cars, or whatever. It means at the end of the day youre not left with a bombsite.

3. no shoes or food upstairs. I know MN can be funny about shoes off households, but not having shoes traipsing mud into the stair carpet and bedroom massivly helps. Equally no food upstairs means there are no crumbs to hoover, no banana peels or mouldy plates hiding under beds, etc.

4. I make sure to invite people round regularly. Friends popping in for a cuppa, hosting a playdate, teenage dd hangs out with her mates after school, whatever. Because it gives me a reason to clean and tidy. To put the clean laundry away, to quickly whizz a hoover round. Its amazing how much you can get done in 15 minutes of panic tidying before they arrive.

5. when dc were really little we had a cleaner once every 2 weeks. This meant that dh & i would tidy the chaos the evening before she came and she would then blitz the bathrooms, the kitchen, the stairs, etc so they were properly clean. It always felt amazing walking into the house after she'd been.

6. My dh is in charge of the cleaning the kitchen. Because i cook dinner, then he tidies up once everyone has finished eating. Loads the dishwasher, wipes the table and hob, does the counters. It only takes him about 5 minutes but having it done every day means that it never gets really grimy.

7. my toddler didn't enjoy helping to tidy up, but what they did enjoy was having the mission impossibile song on whilst they ran around their bedroom putting their teddies back on the bed, chucking clothes into laundry basket, etc. Only for the length of one song, we kind of made it into a game of how much can we do in the 2 minutes and lots of praise for how helpful they were being.

Agree!

My bed gets aired whilst I'm getting washed/showered/dressed hair dried and then I make it

It's just stuff. Have a clean before a friend visits. All normal

why?

Either it's clean enough for you, or it needs to be done. Friends are not more important than the people who live there. I can't understand the "need to clean before visitors" mentality

I have been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear lately. There was a quote from a chap in it which really resonated with me. He said that people think he is efficient and organised because his house and car are always clean. But in reality he is very very lazy. So he cleans up always as he goes - for example every time he gets out of his car he clears out all the rubbish. Every time he takes a dish out of the cupboard and uses it he then puts it away in the dishwasher or whatever. Because it takes less time and energy and he is lazy.

I am trying to do that in my life and it really really makes a difference. I always tidy the ktichen after dinner listening to The Archers so that is about 16 minutes or so and doing it religiously every night means it takes less time in the morning. Then I have started to always tidy the sitting room when i am about to go to bed. Straighten the chairs. Clear the side tables. Put the remote controls back where they ought to be etc. It (now) takes under a minute.

It takes a bit of getting used to but is possibly a real game changer for me.

Most untidiness is caused by not having a place for everything, or not putting the thing in its correct place as soon as you're finished with it. Dirty clothes? straight into the laundry basket, not the floor. Dirty kitchen stuff? straight into the dishwasher, not the counter or the table. As soon as you get up, straighten the bed and turn back the cover for airing. Get the children to put every toy away in toy boxes every single evening.
Schedule bigger cleaning for time slots: vacuuming on Saturday am. for example. It is hard when you're working, looking after the children and trying to keep the house nice. But it's probably easier than you think to be a bit tidier. My golden rule is - absolutely no "intermediate" dumping of stuff. By that I mean putting used cups or glasses anywhere but the dishwasher. No putting books in a pile by the bedside to "sort out later", like my OH does, they go on a shelf, he can sort them from there. It does help if you have plenty of cupboards and storage space.

Another good idea is making sure you have really good hallway storage so you can chuck all the shoes, bags and coats in a cupboard.

i agree, but the trouble is, unless you live in an older house or a big expensive one, halls these days are tiny. My coat cupboard holds more than some built-in wardrobes in new builds. Such bad design.

Hous

Working parents to a 5 & 8 year old. everyone contributes. Help the children into good habits while young. Take time to set up storage solutions so they can reach what they need. It takes prompting then quickly becomes part of their routine.

Mine put clothes into hamper each night. Make their own beds, tuck PJ under pillows in the morning

Hallway we use one of those IKEA cube storage units for school bags, shoes, gloves and hats. Cycle helmets hang on a low peg by the front door. They know when they come in from school we expect them to put their own things away and take their water bottle and packed lunch boxes to the kitchen sink which we wash up during dinner prep or after tea. We then have a box in the kitchen where the clean items are stored straight into so they don't clutter the worktop but are kept handy for filling next morning

Make clothes storage simple so children can help put clean clothes away in the right drawers and wardrobe. Every season they help us go through what they've grown out of so the drawers aren't stuffed full. Hanger with the next day's uniform ready on back of door at bedtime.

Toys we put music on and challenge them to put everything away before the track ends, the "tidy up rumba" is popular in our house

Take turns setting the table, filling the water jug, clearing away the dishes straight into the dishwasher while DH or I wash up straight after the meal (too much watery mess to let the kids do it regularly!) DS5 loves going round with a big sweeping brush under the table for crumbs, we all take it in turns to wipe a cloth over the table and mats after every meal.