Tidy house reality - Please help!

[Redandgreenandpurple]

I am a mum of two young kids and a wife and our 3 bed house is just a constant effort to tidy it up in order to look ok.

When we wake up we leave the beds undone, dirty clothes on the floor, toys on the floor too, the toilet and wash basin are not 100% clean, landing has little things that are waiting to be put in their actual place. Then downstairs shoes in the entrance along with bags, the throws at the sofa are messy from the night before, again toys, maybe a forgotten plate from the night before or a bottle of beer, the drying rack full of clothes gets in the way, then in the kitchen things are relatively ok because I always load the dishwasher before going to bed but again the table may have crumbs, the cooking stove needs proper cleaning, the odd glass may be around, then the windows are dusty, the floor needs cleaning… etc. you get the point.

And then we all leave to work, school whatever. We come back around 6pm and then it all starts again and more mess is created. Then I spend an hour at night doing the basics like cooking and loading the dishwasher and that’s it.

The cleaning time is so minimal and everything is chaotic.

If a friend asks “can I pass by your place for a coffee” then it becomes the mission of the week/day to make everything look perfect! Or if we invite friends around!

Is this typical in every house or am I doing something wrong?

YANBU - That’s the story of my life
YABU - You are doing something wrong

I’d never heard of this before - genius, thank you!

I regularly ask your first question. My dc find this a really hard task despite their rooms being by the basket. It’s infuriating.

Definitely not normal. Why not make your bed and put your dirty clothes on the floor instead of the laundry? You think this is normal??

No. I don't do any of those things. It takes 3 seconds to shake the duvet from the bottom so it folds at the top, the bed is made and gives neatness to the room.

I put everything away. I put on a load of washing as soon as there is enough. Fold it into piles, ds2 takes the 4 piles to people's bed. Easy.

When my boys were younger as part of playing I made them put all toys away at the end of the day. They helped, tidied, and they never even realised it!

Once you house is tidy, I can tidy snd eufy vacuum easily. So it's never spotless but within 10 minutes I can have it visitor ready.

YANBU
I have ADHD
I have realised cleaning is a morally neutral act and I don't feel the need to make it perfect anymore before inviting people round etc

You have literally described my house. After a huge argument with my partner and sharing the load more equally. We've made a cleaning rota and it's one area of the house each day with the messiest areas allocated to Saturday and Sunday. We've been doing it for 2 weeks and it's made a big difference to keeping on top of it all.

You think your house is messy and everyone else's is neat, so you tidy for visitors. In reality all those neat houses might have just been tidied before your visit and they are messy normally. I think most of us are winging it.

I've started doing little things whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, sounds ridiculous, but you can get the throws straight and toys chucked in a box in that time, load the dishwasher, clean the sinks etc. Those 3 minutes all add up in a day. I also advise getting your kids unti the tidy as you go habit, make them put their own shoes and bags etc away when they get home, get them a box or drawer each to just put their stuff in. Takes a bit of nagging in my experience but it's just one less thing for you to do

🤣
Same here. I also had random stuff crammed into the washing machine and tumble dryer and a fuckton of laundry in the car (then a Volvo Estate, handily).

I think you've got to have a certain standard of tidiness if a "last-minute quick clean-around" is going to have any effect. My "last-minute quick clean-around" would take about four years.

cleaning is a morally neutral act

I like this phrase.

I feel your pain, my dh works away all week so it’s just me and 2 kids in a 4 bed house. Every night I spend ten mins putting toys away, wiping table (always has a million crumbs on for some reason) neatly fold the sofa throw and clear all pots etc as we don’t have a dishwasher. I always make my bed first thing in the morning, so does my teen, if I’m in a rush I’ll leave younger child’s bed unmade. But my 4 year old leaves toys everywhere, stairs, landing, living room etc. this goes into the ten mins every night. Hoover every few days and only mop once a week. Probably dust once a month of that. I’m considering getting a cleaner in maybe you should too.

hmm.. no op. Why do you not do things as you go? As much of what you describe wouldn’t even take much effort or time.

We always make the bed when we get up. Just pull covers over & tidy up pillows. Never leave dirty clothes on the floor. Well kids do sometimes but they will pickup and put away when told. They go straight in the wash basket normally. Toys and clutter should just go into a some box but never left on the floor. Kids should be able to put away their toys, they are taught to tidy up at nursery. Toilet and wash basin are ok not to be clean but a quick wipe down doesn’t take a minute. Keep cleaning spray and kitchen tissue in the bathroom so it’s there for you to use. Try and find a box that shoes can be thrown in, some space for hooks where bags can be hung up, tidy up the night before, nothing major but sofa throws, wiping down kitchen units, the table, getting breakfast things out ready, that should be done. Sounds like you need to be more organised and get everyone else pulling their weight too. Other stuff you describe like dust, crumbs on carpet, bathrooms not being clean, they’re usually jobs for the weekend not on a day to day basis.

I understand completely OP.

I have a 9mo baby and since she was born it's been so hard to keep on top of everything.

Everything seems to have so many steps - eg, I need to do washing but the last load is still on the clothes horses, still some to put away in thr basket so can't use that, etc etc.

It is so hard and it makes me feel stressed to have mess everywhere but I just feel like I don't get a minute to do it. And when I do manage to tidy it's a mess again in a couple of days.

I had a thread which helped me, asking about the habits of formerly messy tidy people.

When consolidating the responses the phases seemed to be to declutter, then deep clean, have a good set up and storage, and a plan for regular maintenance. The suggestions that struck a particular chord with me were :

1. Accept that there's a minimum effort required per day /week and set a personalized room by room or task by task routine.

Crucially you need to include what all of these methods seem to take for granted - 'invisible tasks' at the end of the day - toys away, kitchen tidied etc.

The bare minimum stuff. I would leave that a day or two and then flap around doing that stuff and think that's my tidying /cleaning time done why aren't I getting anywhere?

I think a lot of people do that naturally and wouldn't even count it as part of their cleaning routine. I struggle to bring cups plates etc back into the kitchen of an evening so that shift in mindset will be valuable for me.

1. Use THE FEAR. Cleaners, guests and even moving house (admire the commitment!) all seem to be good tools to help see the house through other people's eyes, and crucially, to provide a time limit to get it sufficiently presentable.

1. Neatness breeds Neatness. I can absolutely identify with this. If it’s tidy it’s much easier to see what is out of place, and to fix it.

In your circumstances, you don't really have any time to clean. Leave it. You sound a lot more interesting than people that spend hours a week cleaning. You have the right priorities. People that get off on cleaning are strange.

I wouldn't like this at all and am not obsessive about cleaning.

Basics need to be done, beds made, surfaces wiped all fairly tidy for the next day

however I do have a large washing machine, a tumble drier and a cleaner once a week

What does He do in both mum and dad alive and present family set ups (apologies if it's not the current scenario for some)? Or is the Lord and Master there to enjoy the fruits born by His domestic servant of a wife or partner? Is he expected to spend his evenings and weekends cleaning as much as his wife? Or does he get up a bit earlier to reset the rooms and the kitchen?
Women really need to stop judging women that reject servitude. Nobody has died of a lack of bleach and other poisons constantly sprayed in their house or an unfolded duvet. It really makes no difference to anything.

Have a look at the organised mum method. It really helps me.

My house is the same, and I only have one!

The only things that do really help are:

1. Always try to unpack the dishwasher asap and put new stuff in
2. Have 2 baskets- one for stuff to go upstairs that is downstairs and one for stuff upstairs that needs to go back down. Take them up/down when you go to the toilet and put them on the bed (you might even put them away!) …fuck making the bed!
3. Get a cleaner. My DC is 2 and I sooo wish I’d got one before. She does 2 hours a fortnight. I shove all the toys in a corner and she cleans the bathroom, hoovers stairs and landing, cleans hob and sweeps and mops downstairs (ignoring piles of junk!) it’s wonderful as these are things you just can’t always do with a baby/toddler! It’s so nice to come home to.

And I have friends over and sometimes it’s a right tip, but you know ..I actually get quite a lot of invites round to other people’s houses …I think people are more comfortable when they see other people also have debris everywhere!

I 100% get where you are coming from.
I would love a clean and tidy house but I find it never ending the constant tidying. I really struggle with it. I find it a massive burden. I know that sounds dramatic but I just find it never ending. Every time you get a meal ready there is dishes/pot/pans/ crumbs/ tables to be cleaned. But I have come to realise that it is all left to me and that make it never ending. Getting the meal ready and then tidying up/cleaning up. Bed times and stories. I just have no desire for Tidying, Sorting, Cleaning, Dusting.

A few things i have learned

1. Ppl with very clean and tidy houses generally get cleaners.
2. The less things you have the less you need to put away.
3. That means stop buying things!!!!. Expecially the crap kids stuff.
4. Some ppl do the one in one out rule. So buy a new top/shirt/toy etc then one needs to go.
5. Need to do a massive declutter ( Which is a pain. But sort through them presses/ drawers etc.

To be honest a change of mind set is needed. But I haven't mastered the above yet. I hope you have better motivation than me. I am a firm believer that a home is to be live in. I want my kids to have happy fun memories and I try to get out of the house so less mess to clean lol.

It's actually easily to do it as you go along. It probably takes about 5 sec to hang up something that you've taken off.

Imagine taken stuff out of a cupboard while cooking and leaving it lying round how long it would take for mess to accumulate, in contrast to putting it straight back into the cupboard after you've used it?

I work 4 days a week. I put the house back together on my day off. I have not nailed any other system. I believe that it is possible but it is not something I have personally been able to achieve. On the days I work, my kids are clean, they are fed, we have family time. And that's all good enough for me. The house isn't disgusting, it's thoroughly cleaned once a week. It works for us.

It sounds like my house and there are just two adults here. We don't have a dishwasher though, so usually that gets left until the day after weekend too.

If I know I'm having guests, I spend a lot of time making the place look acceptable. I would never be embarrassed if a good friend just happened to be passing by.

My house is clean, and I don't have the energy to make it look spotless all of the time.

I only have one piece of advice for cleaning a house: As long as you keep it clean enough to not get mice, and dust-free enough to not get moths laying eggs, you're fine.

I used to not care about dust but I've learnt the hard way about moths that breed in dust - those "dust bunnies"? Probably moth cases full of thirty moths apiece.

Don't expect to have a show-home though and don't feel you have to have a perfect house if someone comes round for coffee. Plenty of time for that when the children leave home...