To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

If your child cannot access school and is neurodiverse do not de register him i did with mine, and it was a big mistake. Keep him on roll and the school will have to educate him and you may be eligible for a home tutor rather than relying on groups

Well all the HE people I know educate their children at home. If they go to groups it is to share expertise in a reciprocal way and let their children socialise.
I have never heard of home education groups that offer education and childcare, so I think you are expecting too much.
I feel for you but have you considered other schools. My autistic dd struggled at her first school but flourished when moved to a much smaller more caring school.

I can't offer any advice but I really hope you find a way through this situation. I hope that others on here who have experienced similar on here can support.

I don't think you're asking too much of these people to offer advice- there must be others in a similar boat somewhere.

This might be a stupid question as you've tried all options, but have you asked for any legal advice here. If you are not electively home educating and it's through the fact there are no available options, it almost comes across as your DC being off-rolled as the council can't meet their needs? If that is the case then they still have an obligation to your DC.

You have my sympathy. This is an incredibly stressful situation for you. I wonder, and I mean this kindly if you’re being somewhat short sighted about this. You state that mainstream school hasn’t worked out , but special school isn’t an option. I’m not sure whether that includes alternative provision like a PRU ? Because teaching your child without specialist knowledge is going to be a huge struggle. Also, the Academic learning is secondary to their social and emotional needs. When you describe DC as ND what is the diagnosis? Is there an ECHP? Because there should be. Otherwise you’ll be firefighting your way through the years with no end in sight. You need to go back to your LA and insist on help. Sometimes social workers can be useful but that’s very hit and miss, still worth asking. Because yes, home ed groups aren’t really set up for children with needs and for single mums who need to work, they are more of a lifestyle choice for those who choose this alternative path. Just my tuppence worth of thoughts from my own limited experience, I’d urge you to push for a placement a bit harder. Best of luck anyway. It’s a very intense kind of stress.

Most of the HE groups in my area are run by other parents voluntarily. They contact venues and organise events but only because they think it would be a good idea for the children. The general rule is, if there's something you think needs to happen, you need to organise it yourself and not wait for another parent to do it for you.

While there are some forest schools and other activity centres where children can be left for a while, they generally aren't full time care like a school would be.

There are Facebook groups for Home Edders that are single, who work etc etc so I'd look out for those and see if there's anything they could suggest for you.

However, if you need to work full time and have no one to take your child you need to either look for a sympathetic child minder or put them back into the school system.

If DC can’t attend school you don’t have to EHE. If you haven’t already de-registered, don’t. Parents often find it easier (although not easy) to get support when their DC remain on the school’s roll (until EOTAS via an EHCP or another placement is in place). Crudely, you are someone’s problem whereas if you EHE it is easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet. Instead, under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 the LA must make arrangements to ensure they receive a suitable full time education. You can also request an EHCNA. An EHCP can provide an EOTAS package.

What do you mean by ‘offer hours? Are you trying to use a provision of sorts?

I am a home educator, I’ve run groups. People sometimes got angry I wasn’t providing things. It frustrated me because it wasn’t my job or role. I’m happy to share skills, meet up to socialise with children’s
friends but ultimately I’m not organising a paid service. I don’t have the energy, time or financiers. I’ve withdrawn a lot due to expectations and anger. I only signed up to educate my own children.
It would cost me time and money to start Ofsted registration etc! For nothing back? At the detriment of my own children’s time and attention? What would you be offering me back? I’m already spinning a thousand plates, work, special needs, money worries and so forth. The only thing I can do is groups where we all chip in, and we all get out.

What exactly are you looking for OP? Support for you to HE? Or a paid childcare provision with tuition?

Sorry I am a bit confused.

I know of one group in my area that offers what you're looking for but it was basically a crap version of school so we left. That was YMCA though if you've got a better one in your area.

By definition home ed activities are usually run by the parents, and they often want to do a couple of hours of something then go home because that's what suits. I've no idea what your local lot are playing at though not welcoming ND kids, we'd have half the attendance if we were like that!

Maybe don't dismiss the mums too harshly as tradwives though, I work but people probably wouldn't know that until we knew each other well enough to chat about such things. They'd just assume I'm a white housewife. Same with many other parents I know.

I think your expectations of HE groups are not grounded in reality at all, tbh. You would be better off working to find a way your DC can attend school.

Home Ed is not a type of school. They do not offer hours. I think you possibly need to lower your expectations.

would your son go to a childminder? If he can’t manage school what makes you think he can handle a Home Ed group?

Is he high functioning? Have you tried therapy to address his anxiety? Massages, CBT, acupuncture, reflexology, those calming patch things?

What is it about the environment that makes him anxious?

This ! Home ed groups are for kids to meet I and socialize and for parents to support each other. What is it you're actually after?
Also we only met Nd kids so your experience is very unusual!

Massive sympathy, had the same with Ds, although currently back in school. Ate you talking about homeschool groups that wouldn't take ND children? The one I looked at had a high percentage of ND children but was part time. Good luck with it all.

I think you've misunderstood the role of home ed groups.

Would a nanny be an option? That sounds like your best bet in the short term. Nannies can be Ofsted registered so you can use tax-free childcare schemes to pay them. You can then work on getting you LEA to provide something appropriate for your child.

Home ed groups aren’t usually there for childcare/tuition, they are usually to socialise and parents attend with dc.

i get what your trying to say there does seem to be a divide from people who decide to home educate from beginning and those who are forced into it. I’ve had to put my career on hold due to my neurodiverse child not being able to cope in school and being forced into home educating. Selfishly I didn’t want to quit work as I was me then not just mum but doing part time work and home educating as a completely single parent just wasn’t working. I was exhausted from work so my child was missing out when I was home then I felt guilty at work. So I’ve quit my job till he turns 16, claimed Dla which he gets high rate care an low mobility and carers allowance. Ok I don’t have as much money as I did when working but I have enough for my son to access a lot of home education groups at farms learning husbandry and doing equine assisted therapy and taking term time holidays. He is so happy and thriving. It makes it worth it. I’m not very social so I tend to hide in my car whilst he has a blast. Feeling angry an frustrated is normal because you haven’t been able to make this decision, it was made for you but these feelings are not helpful give it time and acknowledge the feelings then move forward as you don’t really get a choice in it, unfair yes completely but fighting will get you no where

I'm confused. what ia it you're after?
An alternative provision, with wrap around childcare beyond the group hours where you can claim 85% back? So basically a very cheap private school?
Is it drop off groups you're being declined from? I know there are rules about taking on children with an ECHP, which would be one of the issues.
You can maybe see if a childminder can do drop offs and pick ups.... but your expectations are unrealistic.

I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career.

But aren't they primarily to support parents in educating their own children? None that I am aware of in my area offer childcare, although they are massive sources of support for EHEdders in other ways. It sounds like you're after childcare which isn't really how home ed works.

I'll be honest, I don't know any people who hold down a full time job in the day and successfully home Ed. The day is when they educate their children - if they work it's around that. Is long term home ed realistic for your situation OP?

I'm unclear what service you want these people to provide? Childcare alongside education, is that it? But not in a school setting. So essentially some form of tuition. Surely you need a paid tutor or babysitter for that, rather than just an informal group of people who, for all sorts of reasons, have decided that school is not for their children. I have sympathy for your situation, which sounds really tough, but it does sound a bit from your posts as if you're expecting these people to care for and educate your child for free while you work. If that's the case, then I think this is a bit unrealistic and unreasonable.

Not all special schools are the same. You seem to be thinking of schools for children with PMLD (profound and multiple learning difficulties) or significant cognition and learning needs. There are also schools for children who are autistic or have social, emotional and mental health needs. Many of these children are very high-attaining.

Apply for an EHCP. Look on the IPSEA website for a model letter you can use. Be clear that you think your child needs a special school which will meet X need. In the meantime, ask the LA to put alternative provision in place. They will probably expect the current school to pay (if child is still on roll) but you can ask the question.

Get in touch with Ipsea or sossen op. You can get your child education other than at school via an education, health and care plan if no school is suitable

Op Home ed is not about providing courses to drop your kids off at to fit around work. It is usually for parents wanting to educate their own kids outside of the system who usually collaborate in groups to each offer something.

I think what you are looking for is childcare with an educational element. Im nit sure how you’ll access that though?

Can you work from home? There are online schools…but they aren't cheap.