To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

Your ignorance re home education groups shines as brightly as your entitlement @dontknowher .
Your situation is unenviable but you are one of very many people in it, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of takers for the inclusive, inexpensive, professional group you envisage. Only it'll need to be you that puts the work in to develop it.

Two things:

1. Apply for an ECHP if you haven’t already - there are alternative schools/education providers who may be able to meet your child needs taking a flexible approach.

2 In the meantime if your child cannot attend school due to a medical reason (eg anxiety related to ASC) there should be a medical needs team in your LA who can provide tutoring.

It sounds like you need support & advice re the various options available (schools are not necessarily aware of all the options, LA not always forthcoming).There may be 3rd sector support in your area that can help you to navigate this.

Keep your child on role at school and get an ehcp to cover what is needed to access education. While that is happening get a nanny to look after your child while you are at work. The nanny can take the child to school/home Ed groups/supervise study you set. In the meantime make sure you are claiming all the benefits available to help offset what is going to be a shockingly expensive time.
Honestly I think you have odd expectations of HE groups. They’re not childcare at all. I haven’t found groups racist or unwelcoming and haven’t found them middle class at all. The vast majority in my area are full of ND children who have been pushed out of school. A very small proportion actively wanted to HE.

😂😂😂

OP I am confused, too. You sound aggressive and like you're making assumptions about HE groups already, and I'm betting that's coming across in spades, and that's why you're not getting much engagement from the other HE people. I bet you're a lovely person in real life, and you clearly have a hard situation to contend with, it's just that you come across a certain way in this thread and I think it'd be very off-putting to other HE people.

I know a HE family and they do all the HE themselves. As far as I know groups are just extra little add on here and there, certainly not a main provision, and they're voluntary, run by HE parents who are just like you, giving their own time for nothing really, so you shouldn't feel entitled to them providing X and y for you.

I wonder if it's a good idea to revisit your expectations and understanding of what HE actually is?

Sorry i have't read the full thread but there are online schools obviously not ideal for a primary school child but a further possibility.

We home educated for a number of years and I was the one out working and DH was the one at home, he also happens to be black, we were in groups from various ethnicities/religions and economic backgrounds.

We went to various groups and started a group with some friends, we hired a church hall and it ran a bit like playgroup would for younger kids so parents very involved. I also started a French club, hired a French woman who came and taught the kids some French and about French culture and food. They liked the food bit best. Parents would have a coffee and destress a bit. We shared the costs.

It isn't always easy to find your own sort of people, initially I had some disasters, it seemed to be libertarian parents who let the kids run riot or hot housers who wanted the kids doing A levels at 10. Eventually we found our middle ground.

The financial side is hard and you do lose one income which might be doable in a two income house but obviously hard in a one income house but I'm not sure what anyone can do about that. Again I think it tended to the extremes, comfortably off people who could manage without one income or people on benefits where it didn't make much difference.

Maybe like with our French club you could get together with a few other parents and pay someone to lead a group? I think home ed does require some inventiveness.

My kids did eventually go to school at the time we thought was best for them rather than a time the state dictates, I knew other kids who never went to school or never went back. I do know the local FE college was very receptive to taking HE kids and waived GCSE requirements for ones I knew.

We did it through choice and our kids had never been to school so it was more straightforward, obviously that is very different for you but I'd encourage you to seek out people who feel a better fit for you, they will be out there somewhere but they probably won't offer everything you are hoping for. Good luck.

I understand your situation (mother of a child with ASD/PDA here too and it is hard) but you really need to redirect your energies to getting an EHCP etc. This really isn't about home ed and the mothers. Your child needs very specialised help and care to thrive.

I still don't understand how it has got to this point and you have only just applied for a needs assessment. Look at the resources at the PDA society even if not PDA as there is lots there for ND schools refusers, the 'Not fine in school' group, find an advocate if you need support with making sure your EHCP meets needs and your council is held to it's responsibilities to you and your son.

Those entitled white women again. They are volunteering their time to educate theirs and others children, how dare they. Can't they be more inclusive? Says the person who wants to take and give nothing back while dictating how and what these entitled white women should be doing.
But you are not entitled, no. You are the victim.

Op

with all due respect you do not have to accept the violence and anxiety. There are strategies and interventions that you can do to really minimise these.

im not sure why you have focused so much on the home Ed issue and not on your son as there are people who can help in that regard

i mean this very kindly but do you think you are also on the spectrum and that is why you may be hyper focused on this issue?

I used to be an Ofsted registered nanny, I worked for two lone parents who paid the majority of my wage with their Tax Credits, I know you would be educating around your work still but I wonder if that's something you could look into.
There was a yearly registration fee, I was qualified and I had to make sure my first aid was up to date. At that time I had one employer who just wanted to choose the nanny they liked and then they registered me and then the second job I registered myself to open up my options as a nanny seeking work and found a lady who was an nhs call handler single parent and I worked a lot of night shifts for her and a couple of days where the children were off of school and she could catch up on sleep.

I don't think it's a huge ask to ask a nanny to do some child led ED and share a diary with you so you know what they have been doing.

The parents home educating are just like you, maybe in the same situation as you too. They all come together to form groups for learning or socialising. No one is a paid provider so I think your expectations are a little high there. Generally if there isn’t what you’re looking for in the home ed community then you’d set it up yourself. I was lucky my son attended classes that did run from 9-3 three days a week but I appreciate not all areas have that. Then other days we’d do museums, activities or a day home learning.

If you need provision for him then it’s best not to de register - that way an education will need to be provided from the council. Once you deregister then the onus is on you.

A note for the future- at 14 they can access the EHE gcse courses run by some colleges. My son started at one at 14 and has really liked his first year despite severe school refusal when younger. I think college is a little more relaxed in terms of less schoolie rules so his anxiety can manage that environment much better.
Good luck, I hope it does work out for your son as it was the best thing I ever did for my son.

I think you've mis-understood what home ed groups are. They aren't designed to be "drop and go" childcare. They are more like a co-op. Everyone is expect to contribute something.

It's a very different experience to a stay at home mum with a rich husband who has made that choice because they like wooden toys and crochet.

I have been in the HE world for 30 years with my children and grandchildren and i can say with absolute certainty that people in your situation are way more common in the HE world the above dismissive description.

Most of the HE mums i have known have worked as well as HE and many are single parents.

All of the questions you are asking have been asked thousands of time before and the HE forums answer them daily.

The reality is that there is absolutely no one responsible for meeting your HE child's needs except you - that it is it - you are on your own. There is no one responsible for making you feel welcome in the HE community except you. It really is now all on you to make this work.

Parents organise the groups they want - if what you want is not there then you need to organise - no one else will and no one else has the responsibility to.

Your situation is not all that unusual and i understand you feel pushed into a situation you do not want to be in - but you are the only one who can do anything about it - you need to commit to getting your child a place in school or commit to the HE world as it is - not as you want it to be.

I have a friend who flashy fought for her 2 neurodiverse girls to go to an independent school funded by the local authority. It was tough oh the whole family but she knew what her dc needed and smaller classes and specialist provision the school offered with a gentle/ different way of learning was what they needed. They are both thriving but the fight was very hard. Worth it in the end.

i suggest you reach out to the neurodiverse community rather than home schooling rich people - it’s a different perspective and level of understanding. I do think you’re unreasonable thinking that qualified teachers can’t cope but other homeschooling mums can deal with your dc.

@dontknowher Is your son still registered at a school- have they mentioned hospital education? In my area this could mean small groups or a teacher coming to the house/ taking him out 1:1. Also support transition back to school if that’s the aim. He would be dual registered . I am a sendco and if this was a child in my school that is what i would be pursuing with parent/s. Feel free to DM me if you want more information.

I agree with this. Based on what you have written, the best plan would be to pursue more appropriate school provision for your DC, not to home educate. Home education means that you lose the childcare element of school and have to do the education bit mostly yourself, which doesn't appear to be what you are looking for. And you can't really expect other parents, who are unpaid, unqualified and have no general teaching experience, to care for and teach your DC if professional teachers are already struggling with this. Wouldn't you be worried about safeguarding etc.?

I’m sorry you’re having a really tough time. You’ve recognised since your initial posts your anger/frustration with the home Ed community is somewhat misplaced.
I have been in a similar situation, my child just couldn’t do school but due to high intelligence a lot of specialist schools weren’t suitable/couldn’t meet need.

we ended up out of school for over a year with a school traumatised child, now I DO have the privilege of a partner who can support us but it was still hard and I can imagine being a lone parent makes it much much harder.

I tried home Ed meets but due to my child’s difffulties, socially she struggled and we had to stop after a horrific meltdown where I was physically attacked by her, she was making herself unsafe and I couldn’t keep her safe. However the home Ed group didn’t judge the behaviour, they reassured me afterwards they saw a mum doing her best and many of them have highly reactive ND kids and have been there and done that, the only reason their kids now seemed so chill is because they’d recovered from school trauma and felt safe again and had become better regulated. It’s a process and it takes time. Removing the child from school doesn’t instantly fix the issues, they often have layers of trauma to heal.

Also one of our local home Ed communities is fantastically ethnically diverse and lots of stuff goes on for families of different backgrounds and cultures that celebrates and educates about those cultures. I think you need to really put your feelers out for different groups, I have three different ‘communities’ on my WhatsApp regularly arranging things and each has a different vibe. I met single mums, stay at home dads, grandparents etc not everyone stays home doing crochet and whittling wooden toys. It’s an unfair cliche.

I think the bottom line is, you need school to somehow work for your child and right now it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it never will. Eventually we DID find the right school for our very complex ND child and a year on she’s starting to be able to go more regularly. You need an EHCP to facilitate this though. Don’t deregulated and EHE because the local authority are failing to find a suitable education for your child. I kept mine registered for a long time at a school they couldn’t attend because if you don’t the LA have no reason to DO anything! We were in the verge of an EOTAS agreement when we actually found a school that can cater for my child’s kind of need.

Youve not been kind to the home Ed community really but I think it’s coming from frustration at the life situation you find yourself in. I get it, I still can’t work due to my child’s needs and unreliable attendance and sometimes I resent all the families whose kids trot off to school whilst parents get to work etc but it’s not their fault my life is complicated and my resentment really is with a system that gives very few shits about families who don’t fit the square hole society assumes we should all fit inside.

if you can direct this anger use it to get the LA to take action, try and get an EHCP and start looking at LOTS of schools, not just those listed on your council website (we would NEVER have found some of the schools which cater for ND children that seem to not ‘fit’ anywhere by just looking there) and please have a deeper dive for local home Ed groups that might meet your needs better and have people you feel you have something in common with .

You are the educator you have to teach black history month. The home ed community is about meet ups and socialising. The first group I went to was yoga you ain't going to get anything from them. You organise what you want to teach your child and if that includes black history month then that is up to you. As long as they are learning. When your child reaches secondary school age that's when you are following the curriculum. There is also online education Kings High online school, Netschool and BOS (British online school) to name a few. Online schools are fee paying schools and some of them are ridiculously expensive.

Good luck on what ever path you decide to take. You being a single parent with a mortgage to pay and this Torie government isn't easing up anytime soon I know what I would do.

I’m reading the thread so it might have moved on but I’ll tell you how it works for me and my ex husband as we split up.

Both the children refused school. They cried. They pretended to be ill. It was a horrible time. They were 6+7 years old.

We suspect our children are ND but have not had any assessments as of yet.

We are responsible for the children 50/50.

He is responsible for teaching them half the time as I am.

We both work around it when we don’t have the children and in the evenings. It’s hard work. Very hard.

My eldest was so subdued when she went to school and she was always upset. She now laughs, dances and sings and is mostly back to her old self… the girl she was before she entered the school system!

My son (we suspect ADHD) was very well behaved at school but explosive and tearful at home before and after school. I hear him singing now and his temper is much less. If he was allowed he would do science experiments and invent things all day.

What I noticed was that before they entered school they had a complete thirst for learning… as soon as they entered the schooling system this vanished!

It helps that my ex husband and I agree with home education. It helps that he is proactive with their education… but it’s hard and we have had to compromise with our careers.

Sorry if this is teaching u to suck eggs but have you contacted special schools and visited them? Even if he can't access educational curriculum at special school his mental health and well being may improve enough to be able to access education

Montessori schools might be able to offer part time schooling for your child and she may enjoy going there.

Or Steiner although I'm not keen on them myself, didn't seem the right place for my mixed race kids but I know people who have found they suit their child much better than state primary.

I home educated my DC as a single parent when my DS became a school refuser. I worked from home mainly, just going into the office for a few hours at a time a couple of times a week, so had a live-in au pair to help out when I was working. I guess I was lucky enough to earn sufficient to be able to afford to do this and was sufficiently academic myself to be able to teach my DCs to a high level. The au-pairs (stayed between 6mths and a year each time and lived as part of the family), they were always very well educated and a great support - it was a great arrangement for both of us and much cheaper than any other form of childcare. They also offered my children an insight into other languages and cultures so that really solved your other issues of the DCs growing up in a narrow community.

I don't understand your points about home ed groups - I have never been involved with any drop off groups - it was always parent run groups in my area.

OP, home ed groups are an example of private voluntary association. They're not obliged to teach your choice of curriculum. You teach black history month yourself if you think it's important.

Trying to find a private school that caters for kids with SEN might be your best bet, by the sound of it.