To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

@Ottersmith I stand by the term 'trad fem' as 99.9% of home educator parents who I have met are mums. The whole ethos is centred around this earth mother model who loves her children and their 'little wild souls' just a little bit more than those mothers who need to work to pay bills.

Op have you tried an educational mental health practitioner for your child? You can access them through schools. My son developed school refusal and anxiety after lock down and he did a 6 week course and it was such a game changer.

I don't think it's anything to do with privilege, what you are asking for just does not exist for any parent, regardless of wealth or time.

I also don't see why you believe such a setting would work for your child whereas no school could, including special schools.

@nobodysdaughternow this is what the school have pushed, a 'reduced timetable' which then became no timetable as my dc refused to go at all.

TBH @dontknowher , those aren't really questions for the Home Ed community to answer.

Yes, it's easier for well off people to Home Ed because of the economics. Which is privilege. But worrying about that won't help you now.

The only entitlement your DS has is to an accessible education from the state, which can take some fighting for, a lot of admin and expert testimony. Contrary to PP's comments, you don't need expensive legal teams or private reports to get him what he needs, but you will need to be prepared to push and chase and take the initiative to get CAMHS reports, a suitable EHCP and a suitable provision for him.

If you can do that, though, it will pay off.

You sound bitter OP. I’ve met several families at home Ed groups (we went to a few when my DC was first unable to attend school, whilst waiting for LA to arrange and pay for alternative provision) who have ND children, often stretching themselves to the limit financially.

None of the groups were “drop and run” though, it’s not how home Ed works. But, they did have a nice supportive community and took it in turns to help each other out with childcare at times. It takes time to get to know people though, new adults and children. With your sneery attitude, I’m not surprised that you haven’t found it it to be a supportive community.

Are you claiming DLA for your DC? It isn’t means tested and could help you out a little

@TheYearOfSmallThings because they love being in control of what they do. If I could make it work, a few hours at forest school a couple of times a week, being at home, reading and writing for a few hours a day and then playing in the afternoon would suit my dc to the ground. They would thrive, their mental health would improve.
But unfortunately I can't offer them that.
I also worry about their future, secondary school, being isolated.

But my child would choose to be home schooled without a doubt.

Home school groups aren't on the whole "settings." I am not sure where you have approached for care. There are private schools which flexischool or are more alternative but thats not home ed!

Home ed will require someone to be home or a nanny/childminder.

Or keep him on roll and push for alternative settings/ there are settings near me that are outdoor based/animal based etc but only seem to be accessible when there isn't a suitable specialist school/child refusing school (I dont really understand how it works) YOu coudl try another post about this?

The advice you have had on here about accessing alternative educational provision sounds like your best bet. School doesn't work for your child and home ed doesn't work for you - I hope you find others options that might be a better fit.

@MorningShow how many dads did you meet who were choosing to be at home with the children home educating? It's not bitter, it's honesty. If there were dads all over the country being left without jobs, careers, without financial independence free from benefits, I imagine many more specialist schools/ alternative provisions would open. But as it's only mums having to give up their jobs, no one cares.

Again, that's a fault of the education system/SEN services/society as a whole.

It's odd that you're misdirecting your fury at the Home Edders, many of whom are in a similar tight spot to the one you're in.

It’s hard going, I know.

But don’t waste your time directing your frustration at other parents who have chosen to home Ed their kids.

This isn’t going to get easier anytime soon. So you need to take a deep breathe, buckle up and take action.

Phone education welfare. Tell them your DC can’t attend and part-time timetable failed. Phoned your local SENDIASS service for advice (free service) and put in parental application for EHCP asap.

Find out who is responsible for section 19 provision at your local authority (there will be a named person). Contact them.

Keep emailing school as well and asking them what they are going to put in place. Make a paper trail.

Join local parent carers groups online. Find parents of other ND children, ask them for advice.

Call GP, ask them for help with your DC’s mental health.

Can you find another job working from home, can you retrain? If you claim DLA can you then go part-time and get UC top up?

You are allowed to have a wobble. But then you need to get moving. Direct your anger in the right direction and take control.

I’m confused…what does sexuality have to do with this? Why are these women being berated for being heterosexual? You’re in a tough spot but criticising other women for things they can’t change about themselves seems pretty petty

I think you're looking for a provision that doesn't exist, but I'm afraid that's not the fault of the HE community.

What you are describing, dropping off for a few hours, is called school. Part time, private but still school. When I home educated mine most groups required me to stay - I wasn't working at that point. Rather than trad wives i would say most the homeschooling mums were real earth mothers, vegans, cycling everywhere etc whereas we were between houses then struggled to get school placements

OP, with the greatest respect, you need to approach your council to get your son into alternative provision. You can't home educate him as you don't have the resources. That isn't a criticism. Please don't deregister, if you haven't already. What you describe as wanting, is alternative provision, not home education.

I will take on board that my anger is misdirected. I am probably bitter about my situation.
I think somewhere in me, this feeling of resentment at my situation whilst a lot of the home ed mums I meet seem joyful, happy, optimistic... it's brought up a feeling of inadequacy about my parenting. My job in healthcare gives me that feeling, that feeling of achievement and confidence in my abilities, whilst parenting my child doesn't.
Quite frankly I don't know what I'm doing when parenting my dc most of the time. I don't know whether to use discipline or when to let things go, I don't know how to deal with meltdowns or what I should be expecting or anticipating to prevent them. I don't know whether I'm too strict or too lenient. No one tells you how to do it.

@dontknowher I know what you mean about privilege. The vast majority of home ed mums (and they are almost always mums) I've met have husband/partner in a good job, a large house with a big garden for chickens, growing vegetables etc and no need to worry about earning a living. Their children seem very easy to manage and content with mud, wooden animals and homemade organic snacks. Obviously you never know what goes on behind closed doors so I say seem. If these people found themselves single with ND children and living in a flat with UC on their case about getting work I don't think they'd cope to be honest. I'm sure a lot of them are nice enough but the reality is they are privileged. I'm also sure there's the other side of this coin - the people who have had to give up work to pull their children out of a damaging school situation. But for a guess they go unseen as they are too preoccupied elsewhere.

And I am not saying getting him into any provision will be easy. Get advice from SENDIASS and IPSEA. Get your local councillor involved and your local MP if possible. As a previous poster has said, get a paper trial in place.

It’s tough and it’s not fair. I agree with you on that and I do understand.

Where about’s in the country are you? Have a look at learning cubs, they have a few tuition centres that are ofsted registered, but no good if not in your area.

In the short term could you and your friend in the same situation help each other out? Work opposite shifts if possible and look after each others dc? Home ed does not have to be taught in a school timetable.

I am also in a similar situation, if the children don’t fit the schools model then there is not time or staff to cater for individual children that don’t go with the flow.

it’s a rubbish situation for all it affects, children, parents, teachers and support staff.

Good luck I hope you manage to get something sorted soon

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and annoyed. It's a scary situation. I've been there. But if you direct the energy at the authorities you can get what you need.

Give yourself some time to stew but then make a plan.

There is quite a lot of good advice on this thread. He needs an EHCP. You can request one.

Have you formally removed him from the school roll?

"very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2"

Indeed, because any longer would be.... school. You seem to have forgotten the first word in home ed.

I've not come across home ed groups where you can drop and leave, all the ones I've been to are cooperative setups where the parents all chip in to help for the benefit of their dc, not paid services. That sounds more like an after school activity. They can be an important part of home ed children's life, so maybe you could look into a whole load of those. What does your dc like to do? Horse stables often have provision for children with SEN, but really it's a question of trying things until you find the right combination of an activity your dc enjoys and a sympathetic teacher.

You can home ed while working (we did), but it requires flexibility and a fair bit of discipline. Realistically with a normally bright child, it would only take a few foucussed hours every week to keep them at the level of the school curriculum. If no other option, you could do that at the weekend (or whenever your days off work are), and leave the week for after school activities and more self led stuff.

Op I second what others have said. I don't have any experience of home Ed, I didn't get that far but I do have a DD (ASD, social anxiety ADHD) who missed a whole academic year unable to set foot in school. and then had less than 40% attendance the last few years. I'm a single parent who has to work full time and it's awful, not to mention extremely worrying , stressful and makes you feel utterly hopeless about the future. Like you there were only schools around here for those with learning difficulties or behavioural issues and she fell into neither.

I wasn't even aware of section 19 in the education act when she missed a whole year - Ie that the LA legally has to provide your DC with an alternative education if they can't meet your child's needs. Back up and reports from officials who know your child and can vouch for them is extremely valuable. Is CAMHS involved? Does the EWO know your child? Have you applied for an EHCP? It's a constant battle but one worth fighting for. If there is genuinely no setting that is suitable then they HAVE to find an alternative- they just don't like agreeing to it. EOTAS is rarely granted until you have proof that every other local option has been explored.

We secured 18 hours a week home tutoring at home without an EHCP (she does have one now but not when the tutoring was agreed. The application was pending).

Keep pressing the school and the LA to ask about what they are going to to to resolve this. I couldn't have unschooled or home educated like you, so there has to be an alternative.

On a final note. The biggest thing that I learnt is not to think too much about things like Secondary, will they ever get a job etc. I know it's a huge concern but it's impossible to sleep at night if you project too far into the future - plus if you manage to get a few things in place now - thjngs will gradually improve , you will see - change and hopefully an improvement. Just take it a step/ day at a time. I always think now (I didn't used to) 'we had a good day today. Let's see what tomorrow brings' <insert bad day if applicable > . Stay in the moment mentally if you can whilst doing battle on behalf of your DC. Loads of kids don't have parents to advocate for them in these situations but yours has you.