To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

@dontknowher well I was responding to your whole list, the home ed community are incredibly diverse so your list was totally wrong in my experience.

But of course they can work full time and home ed full time, a lot of us do, including myself! Home ed is flexible and can be slotted around employment. There is no requirement for home ed to be done during school days or hours.

Your comments very much read to me as someone who has preconceived ideas of home edders, as most people do to be fair, it's just that these preconceived ideas are nothing like what the realities of home edding is, in most cases.

@ReadingSoManyThreads this is not a criticism but there are many people who would not be able to make home education work for them, so it may be diverse in some respects but it is not as diverse as your average school. And I say that as someone who's child is excluded from a mainstream school!
The beauty of school is that most children can attend. You will get a true mixture of ethnicities, family set ups, genders, disabilities, religions, cultures, economic status's.
With home education, you will only get families where one parent can take substantial time off work. This may not be true in the age of 'working from home' but I don't think many employers would be happy with an employee being a teacher as well! Most state that you cannot have dependents at home during working hours. I doubt that you could offer a full education for a primary age child and work core 9-5 hours.
Therefore, having two parents at home makes it significantly easier to homeschool.
Which is what irritates me slightly. The assumption that it's easy.... except it's not easy if you are a lone parent.

I hear you OP. My child (autistic, PDA, OCD, language processing difficulties) is older but also burnt out and going through similar problems. Camhs aren’t worth getting through to- even with self harm and an overdose the weren’t interested in helping.

I absolutely understand your feelings.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

Home ed is flexible and can be slotted around employment. There is no requirement for home ed to be done during school days or hours

But who looks after the children while the parents work?
When on earth is the time to slot in flexible education around work?!

I literally have no horse in this race but you need to stop digging @dontknowher

Stomp your feet and shake your fist at the clouds if that makes you feel better. But insulting a group of people that are in no way responsible for the situation you are in is wasting your time and energy and the goodwill of people who may be able to offer advice.

Unless this is an attempt to cast derision on HE parents… in that case you’re a sad individual. But hey I’m willing to believe the best people!

@Axahooxa PDA alone is so difficult. That's why I think there's so much more education needed around the different types of autism. Everyone knows one high functioning but mostly beautifully behaved autistic kid, or one slightly dreamy ADD girl and they don't recognise your experience or feelings. The irony is that this has become the public face of neurodiversity. So when my shrieking child bites or hits or runs from me in public, there is as much taboo as there has ever been, because they are seeing autism or ADHD as being a certain set of quirks or traits and not what is most peoples reality.

There is a subset of home-edders with ND kids who struggle hugely financially. I am one, and know plenty of others. I've had to give up my career, and my DH now works part-time tutoring ND home-ed kids. It's not a privilege for many of us, it's an absolute necessity, because our kids cannot access mainstream or other formal education, or care settings. We are poor. Home ed can be financially devastating for families, but needs must.

@octaurpus so how do we change the system? Just out of interest, if school was an option would you send your children?

Indeed! I just don't get how it works for single working parents and I'm yet to have one person explain it to me.

Maybe because you’ve insulted them?

dontknowher absolutely. My nephew attends an elite private school, and my SIL and DB think they know everything about autism because DN has two autistic boys in his primary school class. So it is as a result of my PDA DS's parenting that he cannot attend school. And his meltdowns are a result of our permissive parenting. Argh! Despite endless talk of inclusion and acceptance, nothing has changed for so many of us.

@saltinesandcoffeecups or maybe because it doesn't work and isn't an option but if they say that it would support the argument that it isn't actually accessible to all. It's like private school.

@dontknowher and yet there you go again with your incorrect assumptions:

"You will get a true mixture of ethnicities, family set ups, genders, disabilities, religions, cultures, economic status's."

You very much get the same mixture in the home ed community. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

"With home education, you will only get families where one parent can take substantial time off work."

Wrong again.

Many people have a gripe about home ed because they don't want to listen to experienced home edders that do try to explain the realities and possibilities. It's not for everyone, and doesn't work for everyone, that's true, however, it absolutely can work in the circumstances that you're saying it can't. But what would I know, I've only been doing it myself for five years and am deeply involved in the home ed community at national level.

@octaurpus it's true if you've met one autistic person you've met one autistic person. Also I'd love to see someone try to 'discipline' a child with PDA, what do they think will happen?

What law says that HE provided by other people needs to be made available to your child?

Honestly OP, you’re like a Vegan that turns up at a steak house bitching they don’t have any food to offer you

Indeed! I just don't get how it works for single working parents and I'm yet to have one person explain it to me.

I had to give up work for about 15 months to do the educating and childcare while we churned our way through the system to get the school we wanted names on an ECHP. I scraped by on tax credits, Carer's allowance, small amount DLA and modest savings. EXH was dodging CM energetically.

It was hairy and I couldn't have done it long term.

I did meet some home educating single mums who were renting and surviving long term on benefits. Some of them were inspirational, but it's a huge sacrifice of career, pension, luxuries etc, and that was a few years back before the CoL crisis.

@saltinesandcoffeecups 😂😂😂

It is like private school, yes. But nobody ever said it was accessible to all.

dontknowher Single working parents leave their jobs and access whatever government benefits are available to them. Or do a job where you can work online at night when your DC is asleep. There doesn't seem to be any other option. Here in Oz, if you had access to National Disability Insurance Scheme funds, you might be able to work part-time and pay for support worker hours for your child. This would never work for my DS, because he can't tolerate strangers in the house. If I didn't have my DH working part-time, and some additional financial support from my DPs, DS and I would have to move in with my DPs, which would be an absolute disaster, or be homeless.

I didn't say anything about the law. I spoke about practicalities.
As lovely as home education is, it's not an option for all people. It won't help me to pay my mortgage. There's a difference between people choosing home education maybe being a bit skint, and losing your home. If the option was the latter, would anyone make that choice? Disadvantaging both your children?

@dontknowher "Indeed! I just don't get how it works for single working parents and I'm yet to have one person explain it to me."

I have literally told you the name of a national group in one of my earlier comments and from there the sub groups you require who can all answer your questions and explain it to you but you aren't interested. You come on here insulting us with your preconceptions, we still try to guide you and you're having none of it. I'm going to bed, not wasting anymore time on you.

So this is a thread to disparage HEs as privileged therefore evil… good to know I’m out.

Have fun with your soapbox and good luck with your imaginary child that you need help with.

"When I say that I haven't found a home Ed group for my child, what I meant is that none of the settings for older children where you drop and leave them have said they can cater for my child's needs"
Well of course they dont/cant op. You are being completely unreasonable. Home ed groups are run by parents. Basically a bit like mums and toddler groups but for older kids - run by volunteer parents and parents always stay.

If you want a situation where you can leave your child - thats called school.
I know its not fair or easy on you given your situation but thats how it is. All I can suggest is that you somehow find a way round it by working from home? Something, anything to get you through the next x years until your child is maybe ready to try another school/college etc.

dontknowher yes, I would send DS to school, because he is so lonely. Or maybe home ed more traditionally, with me being able to go back to work part-time. At the moment, DS needs me full-time, and we can't do the more traditional home ed groups, because DS just can't manage. We had a fantastic setting available to us, for low-income and vulnerable kids with amazing staff but lockdowns killed it.