To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

How are you going to educate him and work at the same time? He is going to have to access in education in some form or another outside of your home. Even if you have to place him in a residential school. Set limits and and be the parent.

@saltinesandcoffeecups I think I could think of better ways to vent my anger, home educators are hardly high on the list of saintly people to try to take down a peg or two. If I really wanted to heckle people I could go after striking doctors or Bob Mortimer or any other national treasure.

It's not a criticism of home education. As I stated it would be great for my child. She would thrive. Perhaps it's knowing that which makes the fact that its not a choice bittersweet, and resentful of a few home educators who don't recognise the reality for lone skint parents .
I didn't say that was the majority.

Maybe these initial experiences have made me more sensitive to other perceived concerns about the home education community. As I said, I can't speak for them all, I only have very limited experience of one group. But no events or acknowledgment of black history month? Very few female role models with lives outside of the domestic sphere.

I'll leave it there

@OhcantthInkofaname thanks for that child centred approach. I love the way you use 'residential school' and 'be a parent' in the same sentence.

@Yfory I work in healthcare, that is my skill set. I don't do well in desk jobs. Plus there's very few working from home jobs by me, they want everyone back in the office. Plus when would I sleep if I'm home educating all day and working 7.5 hours at night?

Ok OP, Now they are racists… sorry just this one group that you have experience with.

Whew…luckily that your child isn’t subjected to them!

@octaurpus I'm sorry to hear your son is lonely. I think that's the hardest part. My dc is so social. Loves interactions. If we go to the park they are non stop trying to find companionship. But it's not compatible with her peers. They have no filter and can't always read the subtlety of situations. So so vulnerable to being bullied or coerced.

@saltinesandcoffeecups no not racists. Just maybe only seeing life through one type of lens.

I am a home educating parent who also works full-time. My back story is long and complicated but I gave up a well-paid job in management and became self-employed.

I have a DP - but he's not the bio father of the DC (twins). DP is off work sick and unable to help in any way - he's awaiting hospital treatment. The bio father has never seen them or contributed a penny - they're 13 yrs old. DS has very significant challenges - he still wears nappies and required special school. DD falls down the gap in the middle between special school and mainstream but managed to cope with support for a few years before it all went tits up.

Both DC are autistic with a range of other diagnoses thrown in to complicate matters, including PDA for DD, plus she's ADHD with a significant language processing disorder which is distinct and separate from autism. DS also has dyspraxia.

So. Two very different children. Very significant disabilities. Almost every home edder I know in my area has SEN children. The vast bulk of our home ed groups are SEN children.

Skimming your posts, you seem to have a very rigid view of what home ed should look like. Maybe because you're a reluctant home edder, you're being very dismissive of a huge group of diverse people, many of whom have walked EXACTLY the path you are on now.

I have only ever received an enormous amount of help and support from the home ed community. We get a huge amount of criticism from a significant chunk of other parents who don't quite understand what it's about, and judge. Honestly, yet more criticism coming from someone within the community is just frustrating.

You might have to change your job. It doesn't mean you can't work at all. No one said it was easy. It's hard. Fucking hard. If you can manage to set up self employment, that's the best solution as it means you can flex around your child's needs. But you don't need to be delivering education in a school-type setting, nor do you need to be enforcing school-type learning for six hours every day. There's a study somewhere which looked at the amount of time wasted in school and how much actual learning was done - I think it worked out on average something like an hour and a half every day! I'm not suggesting that you restrict your child's learning to 90 minutes a day but you really can loosen up a bit. Learning can take many forms, and with a PDA child that's even more important. Don't feel as if you have to be delivering an official education for hours and hours every day. Look for different learning opportunities. Once you get into the swing of things, it's fun. But it won't be if you go around sneering at the community who are trying to support you.

I mean they have to do better in 2023. Understanding and debating unconscious bias has to go further than painting one of the little wooden peg dolls brown. That's another good thing about a curriculum is that it may bring things to an educators attention which they might otherwise forget or overlook.

Well it seems that Home Ed is a very poor fit for you and your child. Good thing there are other options.

And yes, I’m more or less just pointing out the ridiculousness of your posts now.

Yup racists… the lot of them. You should clearly report to someone

"They" don't have to do anything. "They" are just other parents parenting their children. "They" have nothing to do with your child. It makes zero sense to be annoyed at other parents for why your life is hard. They aren't the cause of it and they are not there to provide a solution. They are not the reason why home education isn't possible for you.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you for your post and it is really honest and reflective.
I haven't found the community overly supportive if I'm being honest. Very open to that being due to them sensing my reluctance, even skepticism. I think that is due to me being very wedded to the idea of 'traditional' mainstream education.
I didn't feel like this about home education before. I was very much 'live and let live' but I have sent so many emails about my situation and my child, not asking for help or childcare but wanting to know about the provision or the fees. I have received some very lukewarm responses, where it feels like they don't really want you. And that hurts!
The reason, as I stated before, that I am so in favour of a drop off style group, even for a few hours, is that I know my child. The issues with attachment mean that they very quickly get very dependent on me to be their support. They will only want to play with me, talk to me, and they won't get that peer interaction. I see what becomes it that further down the line.
It's this feeling of our world becoming very small which concerns me and I will push for a provision to be made available in order for my child to be able to access some form of education.
I am so glad that you have made the best choice for your family. I recognise that others can judge without understanding and seeing it as a choice when really it was the only option. I apologise if my posts have made you feel that way.

Home education means kids mainly being educated by their own parents. Why would they be OFSTED registered? Their groups aren't meant to allow some parents to leave their kids all day, that's not the point of them.

It's true that home ed parents do often mean that the educating parent, usually the mum, does npt have paid employment or it is very part time or flexible. Many families take a big financial hit to make that happen.

How else do you suppose they would care for and teach their kids? Maybe they sense that you see them as lame tradwives and so aren't inclined to take on home educating your child.

@saltinesandcoffeecups for an educator, you're not great at reflecting. Rather than being defensive, just have a think about why some acknowledgment of black history for children growing up in the inner city might be more relevant than whittling or spotting wild flowers?

You are definitely expecting something that HE groups don’t really offer, as everyone else has covered, but I’m wondering if you have joined the Facebook groups etc for your area? I’ve been home educating my own children since the beginning and a few times I’ve been approached via FB or our local group and asked if I’d consider including someone else’s child for a school year as they worked, or were single, etc. and I know several other HE parents who have done the same. May not be an option in your area or something you’d be comfortable with but just a thought!

I was home educated for a while as a dc. I absolutely didn't want to do this for my dc.
But the huge plus of HE is that it isn't anything like a formal school day.
Education takes place in fits and starts and is often dc led.
Obviously you couldn't be out of house with dc left home alone but you aren't looking to replicate a school schedule at home either.

Oh dear, now you are really grasping…or are demonstrating through lack of reading comprehension how ill suited you are for home education… what on earth have I posted would lead you to believe I’m an educator?

Now that’s embarrassing.

There is a gym close to me which is specifically tailored to autistic kids and does do two or three hour drop off sessions, but only one is during school hours. Maybe look for autism specific services? But home ed is not your solution if you're looking for school hours childcare to enable you to work. It may be that your child needs you right now, and you cannot outsource that to anyone else.

It's a huge challenge.

We have NAIDOC week coming up here, and we'll be attending an activity with DS, who is really interested in indigenous foods and land management. Why do you think home ed families aren't interested in e.g. black history?

@saltinesandcoffeecups thought you were off to sleep? We all educate our children... that's part of the job whether we do it in coproduction with school or independently.
Do better for your children. I'm no great academic, I think I even said so a few posts back. But there is a vast difference between thinking someone is racist and recognising that they could do more work around EDI.

@octaurpus like I said it was just one group and when it was mentioned as a possible topic, it was quietly shelved/ ignored. As I said just one concern, not an assumption that all groups are the same!

Ohhh… you assume I have children?! That is a very privileged stance to take, perhaps you should do better OP than your current traditionalist views.

Once again, did I say anywhere I was off to bed? I really do have all the time to dedicate to helping you.

Let’s make sure I got it all.

• You want to drop your child off to be educated
• You don’t want to be involved in this education to give your child independence
• You want these educators to be OFSTED rated
• You want to ensure diversity in this education
• You want this to be a “home education” group- but not your home
• You think that these “home” educators are racists
• ‘You think these “home educators“ have damaging ‘traditional‘ and ‘privileged’ views

Have I missed anything? Because surely random strangers will be lining up to educate your child under these conditions. I’m shocked you don’t have a mailbox full of pMs begging you to for the opportunity.

Oof I forgot my big assumption that this education will all be for free

Give the OP a break, she's coming to terms with the massive disconnect between how she expected her life would look, and how it is at the moment. There's a lot of anger and grief in this process for most of us. And so much rejection! Some of our ND kids are not welcome at school, or in (some) home ed groups - even with a parent present. It's so isolating.

Home schoolers I've known have taught their children about many diverse topics - different religions, different cultures, black history month (among other important topics). It would be up to parents to facilitate that, so you might not hear about it in the wider community. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I've known single parents who have home educated. They've made it work. Whether that's possible no doubt comes down to individual situations, as with so many other things.

The only home ed groups that involve dropping your kids off have run for no more than 2-3 hours and usually are activities organised through outside agencies. The nature of home ed is that it is family inclusive rather than something you hand over to other people.

I think you are nitpicking a bit because you're disappointed it's not what you hoped it was. Maybe you don't really understand how home schooling works and is structured? If you dig into the community you may find other single parents who have made it work. Maybe you can ask them how they've done it and see if that might be helpful to you?