To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

@MorningShow I don't mean to be dismissive but I've done all of that.
I've emailed the draft letter requesting an EHCP, I've been told the council educational psychologist doesn't have capacity until September. I've emailed school repeatedly, had meeting after meeting. They are struggling as my child is pretty chaotic snd it's the variety of issues, so anxiety, disruption, emotional disregulation and not keeping up with school work. They also don't sleep so permanently knackered, it's literally a fight from 7.30am until 9.30am each morning to get them into school!
CAHMs won't help until there's self harm.
GP says as most of the issues are around school, not home, then school are the main agency to deal with it.
School are being as unsupportive and allusive as possible as they want all the complicated kids to drop out to improve results! They pretty much said this in a regional meeting, and we found the minutes online. There is no pastoral lead and the senco is understandably very busy.

I'm just losing it with having to fight and chase whilst working and having another child to take care of.

@dontknowher

If your child cannot attend school you do not have to home educate.

As PP above said, under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a legal duty to secure suitable, full-time alternative education for those children who, are unable to attend school whether through illness, exclusion or otherwise. This applies whether or not your child has an EHC Plan.

Information here:

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/getting-temporary-education-put-in-place

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit thank you, I really hope things are sunnier for you now x

If you have requested an EHCNA and the LA is not sticking to the statutory timescales &/or they are refusing to provide s.19 provision email the Director of Children’s Services threatening judicial review. If that doesn’t work contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

I think you should direct your anger at the local authority. We pay taxes so that all children are entitled to an education. Home education is a right for those who prefer it, but the home ed community shouldn't have to fill the gaps of the failing state.

So he's still on school roll?

It's tough. It sounds very difficult. TBH you're in for a tough year, whatever you do. But there are more things to try.

CAMHS only getting involved if there's physical harm sounds very odd.

You might have to appeal a few things. Get advice from IPSEA.

I've heard about that. Is it done very often?

OP you might do best to start a fresh thread, not mentioning home ed, to gather advice and pointers on how to force the LA and others to do their jobs properly.

I am a lone widowed parent, as poor as a church mouse, l ride a bike because l can't afford a car, and work 30 hours a week, so not your typical HE Mum. My son is older he was HE since 13 due to an anxiety disorder and passed all his exams with high grades, no online school, no tutors or HE groups. He taught himself. L.A. were in touch from time to time, we kept them informed and they were happy with his progress He also had a few sessions with CaHMS. He loves learning from home and has just took his first set of A levels, hoping to go to university. His MH is miles better now. He works weekends. All the HE students l know take a slightly different approach, they just do what works for them, there is no one set path.

This.

I'm sorry but it is not the fault of Home Education that your child's needs aren't being met. The whole point of Home Ed is that there is no rigid format or regular 'settings' providing childcare. It is parent led not authority led.

Your anger and frustration is completely misdirected.

Have you had a look at Forest Schools? There is one near me, it is brilliant. It is also a registered exam centre and they work closely with the LA supporting kids with SEN. It is not free childcare of course and unless the LA fund the placements (which might be available in your case), you have to pay for your child to go and it isn't cheap.

HE and HE parents aren't the enemy here. The wider system is.

It isn’t rare if that’s what you mean. It is more common than it should need to be, sadly. Sometimes the threat of JR works, but if it doesn’t a pre-action letter does in the vast majority of cases.

It isn’t rare if that’s what you mean. It is more common than it should need to be, sadly. Sometimes the threat of JR works, but if it doesn’t a pre-action letter does in the vast majority of cases.

It's like brinkmanship, isn't it? Pre-action letters for JRs, FGS.

Our LA didn't play nicely at all. I had to go to the ombudsman and the SEN tribunal simultaneously to get ours to cooperate and that was quite enough fun for one year.

YABU

You're hacked off with us and have judged us based on what sounds like from your post your inability to get childcare? Home ed groups are both a social & educational thing and parents are very much involved. They aren't a form of childcare.

I've been a home educator for five years and very much stay with my children in the groups we attend.

It sounds like you're seeking childcare, not a home ed group.

It sounds like you need to join a national Home Ed forum, such as Home Education UK on facebook to learn about how home ed actually works. There is SO much advice out there for parents of ND children and also for working single parent home educators, so I don't know where you've been going to so far, but there definitely is lots of advice for people in your situation out there in the ever so helpful home ed community.

"The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society."

You couldn't be more wrong.

@dontknowher my child is 15, absent from school for 6 months following burnout. Suspected autism, waiting for the private assessment report that my mum incredibly paid for. Single FT working parent here too, it's a rough ride.

But alternative provision is your short term solution. Contact your director of children's services as others have said - there's a template letter on IPSEA I think it is. At the same time, ask school to make a referral on the basis they can't meet need and have tried xyz. They should also have done a referral to the ASC team.

It's likely to be September now before you get the provision but that should tide you over until the EHCP.

Your child is young, all they really need now are some basic numeracy skills, reading and a bit of creative writing. You don't have to replicate the national curriculum and you could build some of this into gentle activities that hold your child's interest. If they'll engage online, look at things like homemade education.

It's a massive mental shift when your child can't go to school. But there is more than one path to qualifications and life skills, they just take time and effort to put in place. Make sure you're getting support for you too, there's a reason for parent carer coffee mornings. Best of luck x

@ReadingSoManyThreads I'm not fighting with you, I've already said that I was unfairly lashing out. However....
Tell me how many dads you know who do the majority of the home educating/ childcare? Whilst the mum goes out to work... just for my own curiosity

OP If you would prefer your child in school msg me. We can chat. I've had a school refuser. It can get better. If not, give me a yell about HS resources - we didn't end up needing them but I did loads of research

@AuDHD4Me I don't know how to message!
Would you share what got your child into school?

@dontknowher I'm not sure why you're asking me this question, it's not relevant to your post surely as you said you're a single parent.

@ReadingSoManyThreads because you were saying that my preconceptions of it being mostly mums with partners who are the breadwinners was wrong...

I know a home educating family where both parents work part time in order to always have someone at home with the kids. I see the kids fairly regularly at activities my daughter does too and it's usually the dad I see with them. I also see two other dads out and about with their HE kids and I'm not sure what their set up is but I presume they either don't work or work around the kids and their activities.

As I said before, HE families are a diverse lot. I'm not vegan, I expect my child to listen to adults and do what she's told and we definitely don't have a big enough garden to raise chickens or crops. I know some families like ours and I know some who are very different. I know single parents, mums and dads, same sex parents, Christian parents, atheist parents, Muslim parents and so on. We all have our own children's interests at heart but we do things very differently. I can get on with most people very well but like in any situation I gel with some parents more than others.

@AmyandPhilipfan fair enough, thanks for replying! I'll get off my soap box now

No I didn't. Those are not the list of preconceptions that you listed. You said:

"The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society."

In my experience, both parents contibute in home education. Very often they divide up subjects according to their skill sets. But the point of home education is that the schedules are flexible, so that schooling can be done around work schedules. Childcare, obviously, can’t.

@ReadingSoManyThreads yes so 'trad fem' as in the women being at home nurturing and educating. They can't really do that full time and work full time can they?

As I have stated many times, I was wrong to blame home educators.
But it is a privilege to be able to do so.
I think that part is lost amongst all the propaganda about it being some, noble higher calling.
And I think it's a world away from being excluded from mainstream education with no alternative.
And I also wonder about UBI and whether this will make home education more popular, and economically diverse, especially with the recruitment crisis in schools and higher ratios of Sen children.