To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

I'm in a similar position - ND child, massive anxiety issues, but need (and want) to work FT. My child is still on roll but am considering online school for next year- Kings InterHigh are often mentioned and I just attended a great open afternoon session on their SEND provision.

I WFH so my child and I would be on laptops part of the week and then I plan on using sports and home ed clubs/meet ups to get them out of the house and meeting friends. So far I think they would engage well with online school - it's physical school they can barely enter.

When you say 'groups' do you mean provisions such as Forest schools? When I hear the word Home Education Group I think of my local home ed community Facebook group. People on there arrange all sorts of meet-ups, workshops and days out but generally they are for an adult to attend with a child, not to drop the child off at.

Some kids we know go to drop off places like forest school but that is usually a 4-5 hour type thing. Because it's not seen as childcare while parents work, but as a nice experience for the children.

I do understand it is difficult if you have to work but as others have said, you would probably need to employ a childminder or nanny.

With regard to home educators not being very diverse, my daughter and I have met families from all walks of life with all sorts of family make ups.

Like pps have said, could you explain more about what sort of groups you are talking about?

They will probably expect the current school to pay (if child is still on roll) but you can ask the question.

The LA can expect that all they want, but the statutory duty to provide education to CSA pupils unable to attend school lies with the LA, and it is non-delegable.

As others have said home Ed groups don't usually provide an educational or childminding service.
Home Ed groups are usually full of ND kids (& adults 😆) so I'm surprised you feel you were excluded.

The division between people who choose HE vs those who have it forced upon them is real but to be fair you've labeled them entitled white trad wives - it really doesn't sound like you like them! It actually sounds like you think yourself far better than them.

If you hung around I'm sure you'd discover they have qualifications ambition & probably jobs too! Not sure what they can do about being white...

This sounds a really tough situation and I feel for you. I absolutely understand feeling caught between your child's needs and the need to earn an income to sustain you both. There are no easy answers.

As others above have said, look into an EHCP which could gain your child access to a school environment they could possibly cope better with (like an independent specialist school with a cohort of children with a similar profile, or an alternative provision, or EOTAS).

Be warned, an EHCP process will take you several months to complete until it bears any fruit, so you'll need an interim plan to get you through the next year or so.

Would you be able to look for any Ofsted-registered nannies who could be based at home with him but who you could claim childcare costs towards (on account of being Ofsted registered)?

Alternatively, if you register as a Carer (your child needs to be in receipt of mid rate DLA) then you can earn up to a certain amount of money each week on top of caters allowance, and the amount you can earn takes into account any costs of hiring an alternative cater whilst you work. You would need to get advice maybe from CAB or a benefits charity to check
Out your calculations before trying this route, but worth look into.

I agree with others. Seems to be confusion by you about home ed. this means you do it.

Have you de-registered him? If you haven't, don't.

The local authority have a duty to educate him unless you deregister. You need to get specialist advice and throw this back to the LA to resolve. It might be that the best way forward is to apply for an EHCP.

HE groups don't generally "offer hours" as PP have said, and it will be next to impossible to work FT if you HE, unless you get a nanny.

I don't think you can home educate if you go out to work f/t. In my area there are a few alternative drop off schools, but hours are limited, as you say. It's either mornings only, or just 2 days a week. You might be able to make it work if you can work more from home. I am surprised you have met with discrimination. In my area ND issues are very common; it's often why parents find their children do better with a home ed system, since it can be tailored to sensitivities and needs. Maybe you need to try more groups to find your people. If you can find a way to solve the childcare issue while you are working, I think you could look at 'Not fine in School', and 'Education Otherwise', 2 very helpful websites. Look at your local Home Education Facebook pages. Finally, it takes time to find a way that works for you and I hope you can relax into it and find a good way forward.

Is he known to CAMHS? I'd be pushing hard for MH support too.

@dontknowher I home educate my ND child (I removed him from school at 7 because he refused to go etc etc).

Firstly, try Facebook for special needs home Ed people- you will find people that actually understand and haven’t chosen home Ed as a lifestyle.

Secondly in my experience your options for places you can leave your child enough to work but might be more suitable for ND kids are

-forest schools
-democratic schools (these are rare but there is one in Dorset, one in Hebden bridge and one in summerset)
-Steiner schools
-very small private schools which can provide more individual attention (eg, there is one near me with 26 children in the school, many who have high functioning autism because they do much better in smaller groups)

None of the options are very cheap, and aren’t available everywhere.

It’s a rubbish situation to be in.

My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school.

Could you team up so you can both work part time?

Never really heard the term trad fem before. It sounds very dismissive and misogynist to me.

I can’t understand why there isn’t any school that can take your child in your county at the very least.
In our County we have special schools, schools which take school refusers etc, I don’t know the technical terms for them all, but a colleagues’ son also went to a residential place whilst young, as he refused school and ran off repeatedly ( primary age)
I think you need some help from your local school and social services to access more resources like these.
I think you’ve possibly been looking for support in the wrong place

Thats whats confused me too. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
If you have such a disparaging view of the other parents, why would you want to be involved with them?

It sounds like you imagined something existed that would enable you to keep your job and home educate your child, but it does not. It’s not the fault of the people in home ed groups.

What you’re really looking for is a special school with wraparound childcare.

As a PP says there are very different special/specialist schools to meet the needs of very different ND children. It isn't clear why none are suitable for your DC. Also do you have a robust and up to date EHCP? This would help you access more suitable education than mainstream.

The only people I know who home educated and kept their jobs had tutors. The cost would be prohibitive to most but they were pretty wealthy. I would also make sure you stayed on roll for all the reasons given above.

There are DC for whom there is no suitable school/attending school is inappropriate. These DC can be given an EOTAS package.

I have lots of personal experience with school refusal. All three of my dc have significant additional needs which have led to school refusal.

My middle child is slowly transitioning to his new school after six months out.

I would strongly advise you to do whatever you can to get your dc back into school. Find a school who is experienced in child anxiety and willing to work with you.

Don't get side tracked into thinking dc needs a 'therapeutic break' from school and give up on her education.

Also, EOTAS packages also require money because they are essentially for very poorly children who cannot leave their home or learn in groups.

You will need private EP reports and a good legal team.

EOTAS is often cited as an entitlement/right, when in reality, LA are struggling to delivery SEN basics.

I think you need to change your view of home Ed. It sounds like you envision it more like a childminders or one person teaching a whole bunch of kids over a computer via teams/zoom or whatever.

It’s really not like that. You, as the parent, become the teacher. That means you source and find age appropriate work. You up your subject knowledge. You provide all the fixtures and fittings for learning (so adequate study space, computer and stationary etc). Etc, etc.

As someone who was home educated my outside enrichment (and where I could meet people my own age etc) came from being a member of The Girl Guides, St John’s Ambulance, a reading group at the library and a sailing club etc.

My child has EOTAS and is not a poorly child and she enjoys groups (though has 1-1 in them). She does full days away from home in various placements.

There isn’t a specialist school in our county that can meet her particular needs. Being academically able was actually a barrier to the ones that might have been suitable.

It was an absolute fight to get EOTAS though, that is true, but the fight for a specialist school would have been equally difficult

@Tygertiger you might be lucky enough to live in an area with a whole plethora of special schools but in my area, the same as the OP there is NOTHING for a child without severe LD or challenging behaviour. If you child doesn’t fall into either category the only option is ETOAS or potentially bespoke provision through mainstream school managing a package. Neither of these are easy to access. Our child has been out of school nearly an entire academic year whilst the EHCP process grinds along. We may or may not have something in place by next year but it won’t be based in a school as they don’t exist.

Sorry I was in the middle of bedtime when I wrote the post so I didn't articulate myself very well.
When I say that I haven't found a home Ed group for my child, what I meant is that none of the settings for older children where you drop and leave them have said they can cater for my child's needs (Asd, adhd and mild learning disability). I get their reasons why completely but as the parent of a sen child, it still feels like I'm excluded from these spaces. I don't want to drop just so I can work but because I strongly believe that my child needs time away from me. They struggled massively after lock down, even though I worked outside of the home throughout, it made their world much smaller and I'm worried about replicating that by making their world consist of me, their sibling and about five relatives.
I did not mean that ND children aren't home educated but I haven't met many like mine yet. Mostly I have met very high functioning autistic children without the adhd component who disliked and struggled with the social side of school. They do well through independent learning, and the whole set up really suits them.
On the other hand I have met parents with ND kids who have never been able to access school who's children have basically been able to do what they like all day, usually due to PDA or similar. I've met parents who's eight year olds play mine craft all day or go to Forrest school and bash up big rocks and sticks for hours. After five years of school, I am really concerned that if I go down the 'unschooling' route I will never get my DC back into formal education.
There is a certain amount of privilege which I feel the home Ed group doesn't acknowledge. If I 'unschool' then I'm basically signing up to support my child for life. Yes their mental health is important too, but by not giving them an education I feel I'm condemning them to a life without work, independence and job satisfaction.
In regards to learning disabilities, they're not just going to pull B's or C's out the bag in their GCSE's. So by letting them do what they want all day, even if they are happier, I'm going to have to accept that they might rely on me forever... but how can I support them if I have to give up work now?
These are the questions that the home Ed forums can't answer, what happens after? What happens at secondary level? What happens when I need to pay my mortgage? What happens when my other child goes on school camp or school trips and they say they feel left out? How do have any sort of life myself when I'm with them 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

It's a very different experience to a stay at home mum with a rich husband who has made that choice because they like wooden toys and crochet.

Parents don’t need a legal team to secure EOTAS, it is possible to get it without, although, obviously, parents can choose to if they wish. If independent assessments are needed and the parents can’t get them via legal aid there are charities that can sometimes help fund them, such as Parents in Need. Neither is EOTAS only for very poorly children who can’t leave the house or learn in group.

EOTAS via an EHCP often takes an appeal but once you have a detailed, specified and quantified EHCP it must be provided, and can be enforced if the LA try not to, via JR if necessary.

Provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 isn’t optional for LAs either and can also be enforced.