to ask what is a reasonable timeline for moving in together and marriage? we are 32 and 30

[bluesymphony]

Before I get my head bitten off - yes I realise that these things are very subjective.

For context, we have only been together for a few months so anything could happen. He is 30 and I am 32. I would like to try for two children and I am trying to be mindful of my fertility.

Does moving in together at around the 1.5 year mark sound sensible or rushed? And does marriage at 2.5-3 years sound reasonable?

We both want marriage and this has already been discussed. I am cautious as I was badly hurt in my last relationship which ended four years ago, and he had a similar experience too.

TIA

I've seen friends of mine marry after a number of years together, only to get divorced fairly soon after, and friends who met partners later on in life and so married/had children pretty quickly yet have so far lasted the distance. Work to your own timelines, rather than what you think these should be.

Like you said, it’s totally personal. In my experience I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) after about a year and that time living together was when we really got to know each other. For me the moving in was therefore a good way of deciding if marriage was the next step, so that certainly seems like a sensible next step if you’re both committed and considering marriage one day!

I think it’s a case of “if it feels right then go for it”.

I met DH when I was 31 and it was pretty much love at first sight. Lived together since our 3rd date unofficially, but officially after 4 months.
married after 3 years. DC 1 a year later when I was 35, DC2 when I was 39.

we’ve been together 12 years now.

Just my experience but dh and I decided really quickly that we wanted a family together. We didn't hang around. I was just 31, dh was 30 at the time. We got pregnant (planned) and moved in together 4 months after we met. Ds born 9 months later. We then got married when ds was 8 months old. Had dd 2 years later.

We are quite impulsive. Later discovered that I have adhd (and I suspect dh does too) which might explain the speed things went.

That was our story and what we wanted. There is no right or wrong. It's what you feel is right.

Honestly, if having children is that important to you, I'd have some tests done now to understand where you are.

You can then make some informed decisions off the back of that.

I think the question you should ask yourself at 32 is, would you be happy to raise a child alone and is having a child regardless of relationship status more important to you then raising a child in traditional 2 parent situation?
if you just want a child end of, then I don’t think timelines matter. As long as he’s a nice guy then just go with the flow. At 32 you don’t have all the time in the world. So if it feels right to move in together and speed things up then go for it.

I was 27 when we met and he was 29. He asked me to move in at some point in the future around 6 months of dating. We moved in together at our 1 year mark.
We got pregnant with our DC 2.5 years after meeting. Married 1 year after DC was born.

I think your timeline is fine, if anything you could be a bit faster if you’re both happy with it

In all honesty (and apologies) I don’t know if you have met the right person if you are thinking of timelines and questioning. Surely- when you meet the right person, you are happy to go with the flow- move in, have kids, get married in whatever order you want! Ive never understood people who try to “have a plan” on things like this. It feels like feelings for the person aren’t involved and it’s more prescriptive. If it feels right- you’ll know and do it- regardless of time lines.

Yes, I conceived on honeymoon. DD was born one month early, 8 months after the wedding 😄

Surely if you love each other, you want to live together? I didn’t want to ‘date’ my now DH ~ I knew I wanted to be with him all the time. Wake up with him, go home to him.

Then the living together helps you iron out any issues. See if you can make it work in the long term. Only then would I consider children.

I’d work through those stages before any sort of artificial timeline.

I was married in 6 months meeting dh. Sometimes when you know you know.

I don’t think there needs to be any set timeframe on living together. The sooner you do it the sooner you’ll know if you can actually stand him 😂 My husband and I had been together once before but when we got together the second time he stayed at mine almost every night then just properly moved in so there was no waiting for a set date to move in. Realistically the worst thing that can happen is you hate each other and split up but surely it’s better to know that asap 🤷🏼‍♀️ It depends whether moving in means buying a house together or renting or someone moving in to the other person’s flat/house

I met DH around those ages. I was just 30, him 32.

We moved in together after 6 months (out of necessity really- I was in an awful flat), married just before my 34th birthday and dd born almost exactly a year later.

But you do you- we are all marching to different timeframes.

I moved in with my now husband after 3 weeks together aged 19 in a rented flat. We bought our first house after 2 years together. Had DD 4 years later and then got married following year at then had another DD the following year. Been together 9 years this year and about to TTC for a third. When you know, you know!

Most people I knew got engaged 12-18 months, and married a year later. However, this was back in early 90s. The process seems to be a lot more drawn out now.

At similar ages we got engaged after 2 weeks and married after 4 months. 35 years ago next month.

At similar ages we moved in together at a year, engaged at 18 months, married at 2 years, pregnant at 2.5 years.

I would firstly get a fertility check, it's not a guarantee but would be useful to know.

What is your current living situation?

I would aim to live together around 1 year, book the wedding for a year after that and start trying in between. So when you have lived together 6/7 months.

To be honest though that's in the knowledge that I would be fine as a single parent.

Given your current ages.

Moving in together (renting not buying together) after 9/12 months.
Marrying/jointly buying a house after 2/3 years.
Children a year or so after marriage.

You can extricate yourself from marriage or a joint house purchase a lot easier than dealing with sharing a child together, so marriage first, children later.

I don't understand those who think it should be children first then marriage after. Having a child together is a life long committment, marriage can be dissolved by a piece of paper.

I was with DH for 6.5 years before we got married, but we were younger, I do understand that you haven't got lots of time on your hands. However, less than 2 years would seem very quick to me.

I doubt you need to wait that long. Depends. You need to give more info, because else we can't comment. How far away do you both live, how often do you see eachother?

Mine and Dh's was quick. I was late 20's. I rented his spare room, but I knew upon meeting him! Started dating quickly. We spent every evening together, all weekend, talked into the night, every night, met each others friends, family many times. Found out how eachother felt re his friend cheating, a friend committed suicide. Got to know eachother quickly, packed a lot into a year. More than some couple could've fitted into 3! Went on holiday to Cuba and Dominican Republic. We both wanted to get married and have children, so planned it in the next year and did it quickly. 20 years later....

Why? If you've been together a couple of years and you are mid 30s why wait?

I would say marriage should be discussed by at least the 1 year mark of being together at your age

Why wait, of you're both sure then crack on. Life is short, you have to make the best of it.

This all sounds really clinical. Do you really love him and want to marry him and have kids with him? Or just with 'someone'?