to ask what is a reasonable timeline for moving in together and marriage? we are 32 and 30

[bluesymphony]

Before I get my head bitten off - yes I realise that these things are very subjective.

For context, we have only been together for a few months so anything could happen. He is 30 and I am 32. I would like to try for two children and I am trying to be mindful of my fertility.

Does moving in together at around the 1.5 year mark sound sensible or rushed? And does marriage at 2.5-3 years sound reasonable?

We both want marriage and this has already been discussed. I am cautious as I was badly hurt in my last relationship which ended four years ago, and he had a similar experience too.

TIA

If that's how you both feel, I'd be making plans to rent somewhere together and move in as soon as you can. Enjoy yourselves without any pressure or expectation for a year before marriage/babies. DH and I decided to move in together after just 4 months of dating (in our late 20s) and married 21 months after meeting, and we were not even in a rush to have DC or anything. It just felt right at the time (and has done ever since!).

I was thinking this but couldn’t word it!

Different situation but I wasn't able to move in with my now husband until we'd been together for nearly 6 years as it was long distance.

We moved in together when we were both 31, got engaged after two weeks of living together and then married 6 months after that, at 32. We started TTC at 33 and took 15 months (and 5 miscarriages along the way) to conceive our first child. Second child was a one shot wonder, conceived at the age of 36 on the first cycle after I got my period back postpartum.

In your situation I would live together sooner rather than later and aim to be married in under 2 years if all is going well. Living together will tell you whether you can stand each other when sharing the same living space. Apart from that you should talk lots about how you see the future, how many children you want and how you would like to raise them, how you see your relationships with the extended family working once you are married (e.g. how far away are you living, how often do you visit, what happens at Christmas etc) and also how you plan to manage your finances when living together, when married and when you have a baby. Would you want to stop work or go part time after kids? Do you want them raised in a particular religion? Will you have a joint account? That sort of thing. The answers to these kind of questions will tell you a lot about how compatible you are.

I'd move in quickly tbh. That way, you know if it'll work out or not pretty soon!

I moved in with my partner pretty much instantly, we were neighbours so just ended up popping to each others places each night from the moment we met 😂 but if you both have a timeline (fertility) to stick by, moving in quickly will get to the point quicker, you never know if you can commit to someone until your under each others feet. Could be wonderful on dates and outings, but it's when they're grumpy in the morning at 5am you'll know if you can live with them and marry them. As I presume you both have no children currently in the equation it will only effect you two if it doesn't go to plan and then you can move on rather than waiting a year to find out it's a dead end. X

How about getting married before moving in?

We moved in together after 18 months, (planned) DD was born a year later and then married 18 months later (then DC2 and 3 and bought a house within the next 2 1/2 years). We were 24 when we met and now in our mid 30s.

I wouldn’t worry about a specific timeline. Do what feels right for you both, but I would be mindful of your fertility. I would say move in within a year-18 months, and marry a year-18 months later, that way if things go badly you’ll know by 34/35 and still have time to move on and have kids.

Met my dh in may 2007 and by December we were engaged. We moved in together September 2008 (long distance relationship so he had to move jobs etc) and we were married October 2009. It's our 14th wedding anniversary this year. There's no rules here, if it feels right then it feels right, you're on your own timeline. I would say we had full support of everyone around us, who all thought we were made for each other so never experienced any negative opinions, at least not to my knowledge ha ha. We welcomed our first child in June 2014 after years of TTC. In your shoes I'd honestly get on with it, why wait for some arbitrary date?

You already know there's no right answer here, and one person's opinion is just that—one person's opinion. DH and I never lived together before marrying, but we've been together over 20 years.

A friend's wife recently left him just a couple of years after they had their second child together, after years of marriage.

Nothing is guaranteed.

We got engaged 2 months after meeting, moved in together permanently after about a year, had our first child 10 years after meeting, still together 29 years after meeting, still not married. Don't think we're typical!

Do not have children without marriage unless you are much better off.

maternity affects women not men, our earnings and our potential

Why not? If you've already lived together before what would you be waiting for?

I think it's also less about length of time, but what you've been through together. You could be with someone a year or two and see each other 2-3 times a week and have a happy honeymoon period but there have been no natural 'tests' so you really don't know how you'll cope under pressure or how they argue and what values they live by. You could also be with someone for less time but really go through a hard or intense time and see how well they do or don't support you and then really get a better idea of their character and your compatibly. Eg if you did a trek up Everest and got lost or someone is very I'll or something that's a real make or break.

I had no tests in my relationship to see whether my partner could be unselfish and support me in my time of need and he ended up leaving me while I was pregnant - if we'd been together I might have been able to work that out about him through other situations and leave him (although then I wouldn't have my DS!) x

This is lovely and so happy it worked out for you but this quickly you have no way of knowing if it a love bomber - things like talking about kids and marriage so early is 'romantic' stuff that narcissists and abusers use as a technique. Anyone reading this should also Google the idealise, devalue, discard cycle so they don't jump in head first if a situation sound similar to this comment

Good advice. I've heard 'four seasons together' advised before so that's similar.

All depends! I moved in with dp after 5 months, didn't seem particularly rushed but I'm independent economically and older than you. I think 2-3 years from meeting to marriage was probably normal, people are slower now but doesn't mean you have to be

I met my husband June 2012, properly got together March 2013, engaged Christmas 2014, married October 2015 so just over 3 years in total from meeting. Had our first baby 2018 and second in 2022 but both took a long time to fall pregnant (13 months and 18 months). Our daughter is now 10 months and I am 37.

As other posters have said, if you know you're right for each other and both want marriage and kids, there is no reason to wait for years, and I do understand your fertility concerns. However, don't rush into something and convince yourself it's the right thing because you want a husband and a baby. Better to be older and with the right person. Really hope it works out for you 🥰🥰

I would go and get your fertility checked out as another piece of data to help you think things through.

If you are both convinced of marriage, get it booked and sorted. The only acceptable timeline is the one that works for you, and if that's 3 or 6 months, so what.

There's no right answer - its a combination of how you both feel, the absence of any warning / red flags and a lot of luck! I was dating DH for 6 months before we got engaged, got married and moved in together another 6 months later, and then had 3 years before DC came along. That was 25 years ago.

We were exact same ages and we were married 18 months, house bought a further 6 months and baby was just over 2 years. We had been friends for 2 years before though.

No need to worry about marrying before children. Take the pressure off yourselves and see how you go. Have you fallen for each other? You'll know soon enough if you're both ready to move in and stop contraception. Could be a matter of a few months away.

Absolutely I completely agree!! Hence the two years of living together/ travelling etc before having baby. Got to make sure it’s right. Definitely wasn’t a love bomb - he’s the most bloody unromantic person in the world! I think because we had both been both in long term relationships and also had dated around we knew what felt real / right.

one of my random dates he had written a love letter and hidden it in my pocket at end of the end. Gave me the absolute ick and I ran a mile

I think 2 years is fine as a timeline for getting engaged. I'm also going to say don't move in until you're engaged.

Engagements can be broken if you aren't compatible, but what you don't want is to move in and then be strung along, as so many men do, with promises of marriage in the future at your age.

If you can maintain financial independence, and don't have existing children to consider, move in together sooner rather than later.

Dh and I met, were engaged in a year and then married a year later. You don’t have to live with them, it’s not a prerequisite for marriage! We’d spent enough time overnight to know basically how the other person lived. When we got married in 2000 it was just like that, except they were always around 😂